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A/N: Thanks for all of the great reviews. I will continue to work hard on this story. Things will be picking up soon. Enjoy.
The Fall and Rise of Harmon Rabb Chapter 6
"Do you love him?"
"That's not a question you get to ask."
"That's a nice smile, Commander…"
"You don't want to be in my dreams, Major."
"Friendship ring?"
"For now."
"I told her all about you and like all the other women in your life, she ran."
"What are you willing to give up to have me?
"That's why it will never work between us."
"Both want to be on top. Both want to be on top. On top. On top. Physically and emotionally impossible."
"What are you willing to give up to have me?"
"Clay and I are very happy."
"He is so open with his feelings."
"He canned me."
"What are you willing to give up to have me? To have me? What are you willing to give up to have me?"
"You don't even tell me you are sorry that I lost my career to save your life."
"What are you willing to give up to have me?"
"Harm?" Gram's voice is soft and steady. It was enough to get me out of my trance. She hands me a cup of tea. I am not the biggest tea drinker, but Gram's tea is the best. She sits down and just looks at me. She knows I have a lot on my mind. She is not going to pry. She knows that I will open up when I am ready. We sit for the longest time just drinking tea. We finally dive into small talk. I manage to squeeze a list of things that need to be done around here. I am only going to be here a few days, but I still want to do something to help her out. I should talk to her now, I am just not ready. I need time to relax. Time to forget. Just a little longer. Then I will tell Gram everything.
Friday…
Breakfast on the farm was as usual. Early and delicious. The thing about the Rabb farm is you have to wake up early. The advantage to getting up early is the afternoon naps. Nothing beats an afternoon nap in the shade out here.
I have been spending the day repairing the fence. There is a section that has needed to be replaced for a while. I find myself out in the fresh air, basking in the warm sun. Feeling the rays penetrate the skin of my shirtless back. I have forgotten how good it feels to work out on the farm.
It isn't until after supper Friday that I decided to talk to Gram. I tell her everything. How I feel about Mac, every hateful thing I have ever said to her. Every hateful thing she has ever said to me. I have told her our complete history. Except one thing. It is hard to believe in all the years I have known Mac; she has never met Gram, or mom for that matter. I don't know why I never brought this up.
I hand Gram a picture of Mac. She looks it over and says, "That Diane was a beautiful girl. Harm, you will never make things work with Sarah if you don't move on from Diane." Oh boy. Here we go.
"Gram, that's Mac. Not Diane." I think it dawns on her now. She knows the whole problem. Gram knows how difficult Diane's death has been for me. Even now, I miss that woman. I said that when I look at Mac, I no longer see Diane. The problem I have now is whenever I close my eyes and see Diane; I can't help but think of Mac. "Gram, how have you survived all these years without Grandpa? How could you stand for Dad, and then me following into the same uncertain fate? Dad never returned. I almost haven't, and there may come a day that I won't return? How have you lived with it?" Maybe if she can explain that, I can learn to let people in.
"All the Rabb men are strong willed. Flying is in your blood. I try not to focus on the negative, Harm. I thank God every day for the time I had with your father and grandfather. I thank God every day that you have not been taken from us. If the day comes that you are taken, I will thank God for the days that we had together. Never focus on what could happen."
We talk for a while longer. I am able to tell her about all of my fears. I never want a wife and child to go through what Mom and I went through. I still remember that Christmas Eve like it was yesterday.
"Harm, you are making all of the choices yourself. You have not given Sarah the benefit of the doubt. Tell her how you feel. You gave up your career because you love her. She shunned you, but you have shunned her as well. You need to learn forgiveness. Forgive her. Forgive yourself. If you truly love her, you need to tell her. You owe it to her. You owe it to yourself, if for no other reason than to get it off your chest and move on. I have a feeling that Sarah loves you as much as you do her." Maybe Gram is right. I need to talk to Mac. Maybe we should dig deep and really lay it on the line. All these years, I have never actually made my feelings completely known. I hoped to be vague enough to keep her interested, hoping she will not turn to someone else. I needed time to get my life in order.
"Gram, I have said some pretty mean and hateful things to her. I don't know if I have the right to ask forgiveness." I feel like the world's biggest ass. I have spent the past year Mac bashing.
"Harm, everyone deserves forgiveness. Can you forgive Sarah for the awful things she has said to you?"
"I think so. I am still very angry with her about things from this past year. I would like to get over the anger and move on."
"Then talk to her. Remember my boy, always remember, Happiness is the journey, not the destination." Happiness is the journey, not the destination. Gram is a genius.
Saturday afternoon…
I am in the middle of my return flight in Gram's namesake. Gram has given me a lot to think about. I need to really take the rest of my leave and think it over.
I get another 4 days of leave to think things over before I am called back to duty. So much for two weeks. I returned to JAG HQ to find Bud doing well. My protégé is working hard to adapt to the new prosthetic. Mac is nowhere to be found. She is gone on an investigation with Sturgis. I am ushered into the Admiral's office and told to sit.
"Sorry to interrupt your leave Commander, but I don't think you will mind after I am finished. I want you and Bud out to the Patrick Henry. I want you to test Lt. Roberts's sea worthiness. I want a full and honest appraisal of his performance." Wow. The Admiral really is pushing hard for Bud. "I know it is asking extra of you Commander with all that flight time you are going to have." Say that again. Flight time?
"Sir?" I don't know what he is saying. It looks like I am going to get to fly on this trip. That's great.
"Didn't I tell you, Commander?" He asks with a slight smile. He knows damn well he didn't tell me anything. He is toying with me. "Captain Pike has to have surgery. They expect him to be out for two months. He has requested you be assigned to fill his duties as CAG while he is away. The SECNAV personally issued the order yesterday. Harm, with the SLIP campaigns coming up, you know what this could mean for your career." Me… CAG on the Patrick Henry. This is too much.
After leaving the Admiral's office, I break the good news to Bud and Harriet. I assure Harriet that Bud will not leave the ship even if I have to throw him in the brig. We are only going to be gone two months. Two months at sea is enough to complete Bud's previous tour. It will definitely be a feather in his cap.
I wish Mac were here to wish me luck. I wish I had time to work things out with her before I had to leave. I have to settle with leaving her a note.
Mac,
First of all I want to apologize for all of the mean and nasty things I have said. I truly am sorry and it broke my heart to say them. I only hope you find it in your heart to grant me forgiveness. You were right that last night we saw each other. We are better friends than that. I have been angry with you for a long time. I would like the opportunity to discuss this with you, once and for all. We need to lay it all out on the table with each other. I am ready to let go of my secrets. I am ready to be completely honest with my feelings. I talked with my Gram over my leave. She says happiness is the journey and not the destination. Sarah, I am taking the wrong journey. I cannot be happy without you in my life. I will be thinking about you while on the Henry.
Please look after Harriet and assure her that I am watching over Bud. Thanks Ninja girl.
Harm
I go home and pack for a tour at sea. Harriet gives me a lift. Bud and I say our goodbyes to Harriet and the kids and are soon traveling by Cod to the Persian Gulf. I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach that things will not go smoothly. Two months in the Persian Gulf with the SLIP campaigns a danger. I have a feeling things are going to get explosive.
It's going to be a long two months.
To be continued…