NOW YOU TELL US
Now that they were all across, it was becoming increasingly inconvenient to all stand on the first three steps.
GANDALF: Tis is becoming increasingly inconvenient.
LEGOLAS: I second the motion. Let's move on, shall we?
Randy had by this time reached the end of the stairs, and was now crying piteously for Frodo and ketchup. However, there was a question currently burning in Frodo's mind, a question that, until it was answered, impeeded the hobbit's maternal instincts.
FRODO: Um. Hey Pippin, is lean forward what precarious really means?
PIPPIN: Sorry. No. I was thinking of incline.
The Fellowship arrived at the Lower levels and kept jogging. A great, thumping thing with the fiery makeup made a startling appearance. Boromir turned to the wizard, panting mildly.
BOROMIR: So. Gandalf. Do you mind telling us what we're being hunted by now?
GANDALF: A Balrog. A lemon of the Ancient World.
MERRY (cheerfully): Well, you know what they say: When you're given a lemon, make lemonade!
He was ignored.
ARAGORN: Do Balrogs have wings?
GANDALF: The females do. Quick. Over the bridge.
Without arguing over precedenc, vulnerability, heroism, decency and such other archaic items, Aragorn crossed the twine & bamboo bridge, followed by Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Glarwenolas and Boromir. Frodo followed, coaxing Randy slowly over the bridge. Frodo reached the other side, but his pet stopped midway from sheer fright. Gandalf, trapped between the cave troll's back and the great thumping lemon, turned to face the Balrog. The Balrog spread its wings.
ARAGORN: It's a girl!
Gandalf took a small book out of his pocket, entitled "Seventy Impressive and Unlikely Commands" He read the first page intently, then stood up straight and shouted at the Balrog on the far side of the bridge.
GANDALF: You cannot pass! I am a Servant of the Secret Flier, Welder of the Flame of Anor. Dark mascara will not avail you, Flame of Undone!
BALROG: Did I say I wanted to pass, Olorin dearie?
GANDALF: SHRIEK
ARAGORN: Gandalf? Is something wrong? I can't see what's going on with Randy in the way.
GANDALF: It's my WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Fellowship exchanged glances.
BOROMIR: Sorry, dude. We'd help you if we could, but Frodo's pet is in the way.
BALROG: You're comin' a'home with me right now, mister.
The Balrog stepped determinedly on the bridge, but her weight and flaming makeup destroyed the twine. She, Gandalf and the Cave Troll tumbled into the abyss. It seemed to the Fellowship that amongst the noise the wizard cried out some parting injunction. However, they had only just processed the idea when ...
FRODO: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! RANDALF!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that they were all across, it was becoming increasingly inconvenient to all stand on the first three steps.
GANDALF: Tis is becoming increasingly inconvenient.
LEGOLAS: I second the motion. Let's move on, shall we?
Randy had by this time reached the end of the stairs, and was now crying piteously for Frodo and ketchup. However, there was a question currently burning in Frodo's mind, a question that, until it was answered, impeeded the hobbit's maternal instincts.
FRODO: Um. Hey Pippin, is lean forward what precarious really means?
PIPPIN: Sorry. No. I was thinking of incline.
The Fellowship arrived at the Lower levels and kept jogging. A great, thumping thing with the fiery makeup made a startling appearance. Boromir turned to the wizard, panting mildly.
BOROMIR: So. Gandalf. Do you mind telling us what we're being hunted by now?
GANDALF: A Balrog. A lemon of the Ancient World.
MERRY (cheerfully): Well, you know what they say: When you're given a lemon, make lemonade!
He was ignored.
ARAGORN: Do Balrogs have wings?
GANDALF: The females do. Quick. Over the bridge.
Without arguing over precedenc, vulnerability, heroism, decency and such other archaic items, Aragorn crossed the twine & bamboo bridge, followed by Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Glarwenolas and Boromir. Frodo followed, coaxing Randy slowly over the bridge. Frodo reached the other side, but his pet stopped midway from sheer fright. Gandalf, trapped between the cave troll's back and the great thumping lemon, turned to face the Balrog. The Balrog spread its wings.
ARAGORN: It's a girl!
Gandalf took a small book out of his pocket, entitled "Seventy Impressive and Unlikely Commands" He read the first page intently, then stood up straight and shouted at the Balrog on the far side of the bridge.
GANDALF: You cannot pass! I am a Servant of the Secret Flier, Welder of the Flame of Anor. Dark mascara will not avail you, Flame of Undone!
BALROG: Did I say I wanted to pass, Olorin dearie?
GANDALF: SHRIEK
ARAGORN: Gandalf? Is something wrong? I can't see what's going on with Randy in the way.
GANDALF: It's my WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Fellowship exchanged glances.
BOROMIR: Sorry, dude. We'd help you if we could, but Frodo's pet is in the way.
BALROG: You're comin' a'home with me right now, mister.
The Balrog stepped determinedly on the bridge, but her weight and flaming makeup destroyed the twine. She, Gandalf and the Cave Troll tumbled into the abyss. It seemed to the Fellowship that amongst the noise the wizard cried out some parting injunction. However, they had only just processed the idea when ...
FRODO: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! RANDALF!!!!!!!!!!!