ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT
For once, Aragorn was not at a loss. Perhaps it was the effect of his new name, perhaps the fact that he had given up pipeweed and converted to ketchup in loving memory of Gandalf. Perhaps it also stemmed from the fact that now he had neither pipeweed or ketchup to muddle his brain. At any rate, Aragorn led the Fellowship, minus Glarwenolas and Gandalf, to the borders of a vast forest. There was no denying that forest was Lothlorien, because of the huge yellow-and-vibrant-orange banner, WELCOME TO LOTHLORIEN which was tacked up on several tall trees. Having never been to leadership school, Aragorn felt that now was the time to give an orientation.
ARAGORN: Line up, men!
Boromir stood at attention.
ARAGORN: Hey, that means all the rest of you too!
LEGOLAS: (sweetly) Are you calling me a man?
ARAGORN: It's a generic term.
Legolas shrugged daintily.
ARAGORN: But I will if you don't get over here and pay attention!
The Fellowship lined up, with every attempt to convey a very casual, patient attitude.
ARAGORN: There are several things you need to know before we enter Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: I know them all already.
ARAGORN: Be quiet Mr. Smartypants. OK. First, an Elf named Haldir hangs out on the borders. He likes to think he's the border patrol. Please be very very VERY nice to him, he's got two brothers who look like sisters to support and he doesn't appreciate people calling them girls. And don't mention Arwen. He's had a crush on her since 3rd grade. In fact its better if you don't speak at all. Got that?
FELLOWSHIP: Yep.
ARAGORN: Second. Lothlorienolites live in flets hundreds of feet off the ground. No railing.
The hobbits fainted.
ARAGORN: Third. There is a Lord and a Lady of the Wood. They will probably grant us an audience, but if the Lord Celeborn sounds like he's got a speech impediment, he doesn't. He's just out of practice. Lady Galadriel normally does all the talking. IF you are asked to speak, speak to Lady Galadriel.
ARAGORN: Fourth and finally. Glarwenolas's mad scientist is here, in prison the last I heard. Whatever Glarys says, DO NOT GO NEAR THE SCIENTIST. Legolas knows what happens if you do.
LEGOLAS: Glarwenolas the Freakboy happens.
ARAGORN: The last thing we need is Framerin or Legolimir hanging out with us.
LEGOLAS: Or AryArywegorn.
Aragorn turned a horrifying tint of purple.
ARAGORN: Were you EAVESDROPPING????
Gimli chipped in helpfully.
GIMLI: No, but Arwen does write him letters all the time.
ARAGORN: She does? She doesn't write me letters.
LEGOLAS: She doesn't spell very well.
ARAGORN: Ah-hah. (cunning smile) Thanks for telling me, guys.
LEGOLAS/GIMLI: You're welcome.
His composure regained...
ARAGORN: Fellowship! Forward march!
For once, Aragorn was not at a loss. Perhaps it was the effect of his new name, perhaps the fact that he had given up pipeweed and converted to ketchup in loving memory of Gandalf. Perhaps it also stemmed from the fact that now he had neither pipeweed or ketchup to muddle his brain. At any rate, Aragorn led the Fellowship, minus Glarwenolas and Gandalf, to the borders of a vast forest. There was no denying that forest was Lothlorien, because of the huge yellow-and-vibrant-orange banner, WELCOME TO LOTHLORIEN which was tacked up on several tall trees. Having never been to leadership school, Aragorn felt that now was the time to give an orientation.
ARAGORN: Line up, men!
Boromir stood at attention.
ARAGORN: Hey, that means all the rest of you too!
LEGOLAS: (sweetly) Are you calling me a man?
ARAGORN: It's a generic term.
Legolas shrugged daintily.
ARAGORN: But I will if you don't get over here and pay attention!
The Fellowship lined up, with every attempt to convey a very casual, patient attitude.
ARAGORN: There are several things you need to know before we enter Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: I know them all already.
ARAGORN: Be quiet Mr. Smartypants. OK. First, an Elf named Haldir hangs out on the borders. He likes to think he's the border patrol. Please be very very VERY nice to him, he's got two brothers who look like sisters to support and he doesn't appreciate people calling them girls. And don't mention Arwen. He's had a crush on her since 3rd grade. In fact its better if you don't speak at all. Got that?
FELLOWSHIP: Yep.
ARAGORN: Second. Lothlorienolites live in flets hundreds of feet off the ground. No railing.
The hobbits fainted.
ARAGORN: Third. There is a Lord and a Lady of the Wood. They will probably grant us an audience, but if the Lord Celeborn sounds like he's got a speech impediment, he doesn't. He's just out of practice. Lady Galadriel normally does all the talking. IF you are asked to speak, speak to Lady Galadriel.
ARAGORN: Fourth and finally. Glarwenolas's mad scientist is here, in prison the last I heard. Whatever Glarys says, DO NOT GO NEAR THE SCIENTIST. Legolas knows what happens if you do.
LEGOLAS: Glarwenolas the Freakboy happens.
ARAGORN: The last thing we need is Framerin or Legolimir hanging out with us.
LEGOLAS: Or AryArywegorn.
Aragorn turned a horrifying tint of purple.
ARAGORN: Were you EAVESDROPPING????
Gimli chipped in helpfully.
GIMLI: No, but Arwen does write him letters all the time.
ARAGORN: She does? She doesn't write me letters.
LEGOLAS: She doesn't spell very well.
ARAGORN: Ah-hah. (cunning smile) Thanks for telling me, guys.
LEGOLAS/GIMLI: You're welcome.
His composure regained...
ARAGORN: Fellowship! Forward march!