TRAINING
In a tall, spindly obsidian tower, there lived a wizard who was obviously trying to compensate for something. He was pacing an untidy obsidian room.
SARUMAN: (muttering to himself) So. My plans to overthrow the Dark Lord of Nothing are coming along as fast as you can squeeze purple ketchup out of a glass Heinz bottle. Must find secret way to speed up process.... sneeze ORKUMANIA!!!!!
A small orc limped into the untidy obsidian room.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup?
SARUMAN: I sneezed.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: Have you finished weeding the garden?
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: Then why am I sneezing?
ORKUMANIA: Because you have a cold, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: I knew that. I was just testing you.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: And for Purple Ketchup's sake, stop it with that Lord stuff! Dude is good enough.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Dude White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: Argh. (Talking to self again) This millennium edition stinks. Luckily I have invented Orc version 6.0. LURTZ!
A tall, handsome orc entered the room.
LURTZ: Hai.
SARUMAN: Hi. (Talking to self again.) Ah yes, the pinnacle of modern technology, the apex, the summit, the best orc out there. So intelligent, talented, capable, fearless, useful...I bet if he took the SAT he would score 1601! Oh, am I not the most ingenious of scientists addicted to Purple Ketchup?!
LURTZ: Hai.
SARUMAN: Hi. (Talking to self again) Here, let me demonstrate how scintillating is this prodigy's wit! Lurtz! Do you know how the orcs first came into being?
LURTZ: Hai.
SARUMAN: That's right! An Elf named Hai was taken by the Dark Powers, and was forced to watch Barney for 3 thousand years. (Talking to self again) Now, are you not convinced of his brilliance? So succinct in his wording! Precise! Brief! Articulate! What? Still not satisfied? Very well. Lurtz! Whom do you serve?
LURTZ: Hai. Lamb chops sautéed in manioc syrup. Manflesh soured with lemon juice and rice vinegar. Horsehocks softened in trinity marinade.
SARUMAN: Hmm. Not quite the 'whom' I was looking for. You must say, "The Lord of the White Hand Covered in Ketchup Dude." Otherwise you'll get me in trouble. Now say what I just said.
LURTZ: Said Covered Not Hand Dude Say You of the Otherwise I What Hmm Trouble.
SARUMAN: Argh.
LURTZ: Hai.
Several hours later....
SARUMAN: Now. For the last time. Whom—
A buzzer went off.
SARUMAN: No! Why does he have to call at a time like this?
With a shudder, he uncovered a large black marble. Or else it was a bowling ball.
VOICE: Sssssaruman! How are you doing! Whasssup?
SARUMAN: J-just-t f-f-fine, mmy L-lord-d! I-I have a whole ar-army ready...a whole army of hais—
LURTZ: Hai . SARUMAN: ...ww-waiting t-to s-sserve you, their lord, mmmyy Lord!
VOICE: Very good. Who isss that with you, preciousss?
SARUMAN: An Uruk-hai, my-
LURTZ: Hai.
VOICE: Hi. I suppose he's been through the customary training?
SARUMAN: ...
VOICE: Whom do you sssserve?
LURTZ: Sourman!
Saruman fainted.
In a tall, spindly obsidian tower, there lived a wizard who was obviously trying to compensate for something. He was pacing an untidy obsidian room.
SARUMAN: (muttering to himself) So. My plans to overthrow the Dark Lord of Nothing are coming along as fast as you can squeeze purple ketchup out of a glass Heinz bottle. Must find secret way to speed up process.... sneeze ORKUMANIA!!!!!
A small orc limped into the untidy obsidian room.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup?
SARUMAN: I sneezed.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: Have you finished weeding the garden?
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: Then why am I sneezing?
ORKUMANIA: Because you have a cold, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: I knew that. I was just testing you.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Lord White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: And for Purple Ketchup's sake, stop it with that Lord stuff! Dude is good enough.
ORKUMANIA: Yes, Dude White Hand Covered in Purple Ketchup.
SARUMAN: Argh. (Talking to self again) This millennium edition stinks. Luckily I have invented Orc version 6.0. LURTZ!
A tall, handsome orc entered the room.
LURTZ: Hai.
SARUMAN: Hi. (Talking to self again.) Ah yes, the pinnacle of modern technology, the apex, the summit, the best orc out there. So intelligent, talented, capable, fearless, useful...I bet if he took the SAT he would score 1601! Oh, am I not the most ingenious of scientists addicted to Purple Ketchup?!
LURTZ: Hai.
SARUMAN: Hi. (Talking to self again) Here, let me demonstrate how scintillating is this prodigy's wit! Lurtz! Do you know how the orcs first came into being?
LURTZ: Hai.
SARUMAN: That's right! An Elf named Hai was taken by the Dark Powers, and was forced to watch Barney for 3 thousand years. (Talking to self again) Now, are you not convinced of his brilliance? So succinct in his wording! Precise! Brief! Articulate! What? Still not satisfied? Very well. Lurtz! Whom do you serve?
LURTZ: Hai. Lamb chops sautéed in manioc syrup. Manflesh soured with lemon juice and rice vinegar. Horsehocks softened in trinity marinade.
SARUMAN: Hmm. Not quite the 'whom' I was looking for. You must say, "The Lord of the White Hand Covered in Ketchup Dude." Otherwise you'll get me in trouble. Now say what I just said.
LURTZ: Said Covered Not Hand Dude Say You of the Otherwise I What Hmm Trouble.
SARUMAN: Argh.
LURTZ: Hai.
Several hours later....
SARUMAN: Now. For the last time. Whom—
A buzzer went off.
SARUMAN: No! Why does he have to call at a time like this?
With a shudder, he uncovered a large black marble. Or else it was a bowling ball.
VOICE: Sssssaruman! How are you doing! Whasssup?
SARUMAN: J-just-t f-f-fine, mmy L-lord-d! I-I have a whole ar-army ready...a whole army of hais—
LURTZ: Hai . SARUMAN: ...ww-waiting t-to s-sserve you, their lord, mmmyy Lord!
VOICE: Very good. Who isss that with you, preciousss?
SARUMAN: An Uruk-hai, my-
LURTZ: Hai.
VOICE: Hi. I suppose he's been through the customary training?
SARUMAN: ...
VOICE: Whom do you sssserve?
LURTZ: Sourman!
Saruman fainted.