Needed to Go, Wanted to Stay
Original version
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an Inuyasha fanfiction
by
mkh2
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Sad to say, my efforts to obtain and possess Inuyasha have been futile; therefore, I still do not own the puppy with the cute ears. (Whee! Lookit 'em twitch!) That honor goes to the creator, Rumiko Takahashi, long may her inkwell overflow with ideas.
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This piece was inspired when, watching the second Inuyasha movie, Inuyasha and Kagome were fighting (as usual) and this little line came up.
Inuyasha: I'll let you come back whenever you want once we've collected [the shikon shards]
Kagome: You say that, but you can't do anything without me.
I was suddenly struck by his words – go back to her time after the shards are collected? Is he implying, somehow, that he expects her to stay (or at least hang out) in the Sengoku Jidai after all shards are collected (and, supposedly, Naraku defeated)? Seriously, since he has no real claim to her (hello, dead ex-girlfriend issues?) he has no right to expect her to come back once that responsibility is done.
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To say that defeating Naraku was a struggle was hardly an exaggeration. In fact, in Inuyasha's opinion, it was an outright understatement. Relaxing in his tree near the tiny river he thought about all the injuries.
Miroku was still recovering, though thankfully without any fear of death by Kazaana; Sango, whose injuries were mostly trivial, had been knocked out by her own weapon (returned full force multiplied tenfold), had only just regained consciousness; Kaede had received yet another bad slice on her body; and even Shippou and Myouga were nursing their own various wounds. Kagome, also somewhat battered, though mostly the wounds were superficial, still looked windswept, and Inuyasha couldn't help smiling as recalled to mind the sight of her wobbling over to the remains of the soiled baboon pelt to pick up Naraku's shards (who, just recently, acquired Kouga's shards, leaving the wolf youkai out of commission and unable to "attend Naraku's farewell party" as Kagome put it.) Inuyasha was struck by how much she looked like a stand-in for the Bride of Frankenstein but made no mention of it, knowing as how Kagome's ire often flared up when she heard that phrase since "it was the doctor who was Frankenstein and not the monster – stupid Hollywood." He tried hard not to laugh, his ribs were still sore from being slammed repeatedly into the rockiest, hardest and sharpest side of the nearest available mountain repeatedly.
"Inuyasha?" a voice drifted up to him where he perched and, suppressing a soft smile, looked down to the person below him. Kagome. His Kagome. Now that the shards and Naraku were out of the way, and once he dealt with Kikyo, he felt free to focus solely on the girl and his ever-growing feelings for her. He had loved her for a long time and now he was ready to confess, though he kinda wished he had had the guts to have made mention of it even as far back as the fight with those idiot Thunder Brothers.
"Feh." Inuyasha dropped light from the tree next to the slender girl, willing the strange flipping off his stomach to stop as he tried to figure out how to go from here… that is, after whatever Kagome came to him to talk about was out of the way. He had often sat thinking of how to convince her to stay after their mission was complete and yet, even as he looked at her, he had no idea.
"Let's go for a walk," Kagome smiled gently at him and turning, started slowly down the path. Sticking his hands in his sleeves, Inuyasha trailed after her, wondering what she wanted to say since he knew she really meant, "let's talk."
Soon enough they found themselves under the shade of the Goshinboku, its protective branches bringing them welcomed relief from the hot summer sun. She reached up and lightly touched the spot where he was anchored to, kissing the bare tree. For some reason, Inuyasha blushed.
"I'm going to miss this."
Inuyasha blinked and looked sharply at her. "What?"
Smiling, Kagome turned to stare him in the eyes. "I'm going to miss this place, this time, this… everything. I'll miss you." Fiddling with her necklace she pulled it off and, taking both his hands in hers, she placed it in his palm, Shikon no Tama and all, and closed his hands around it. "Wish to be a youkai or wish to be a human. Wish to forget or wish to remember. Wish for love or wish for nothing at all. Wish for Kikyo, even. Whatever you wish for, may you find happiness." She sat on the gnarled roots of the Goshiboku and let out a sigh.
"What do you mean? What are you talking about? The Shikon no Tama is yours… just, don't leave." Inuyasha sank to his knees at her feet, dropping the sacred jewel into her lap. "You can't just leave."
"You don't understand, do you? I've been gone for so long." Kagome leaned her head back against the tree. "I've been dead for so long."
"What in the world— Kagome, you don't make any sense. You're still alive. Is something wrong?" Inuyasha grabbed hold of her hands. They were warm, not cold, like hers.
"You're wrong, Inuyasha. You still don't understand. I've been dead for a long, long time. I don't know how much longer I can go on."
"No, you're lying! You're not dead! Kikyo—" he stopped. He hadn't said her name since having defeated Naraku, since having completed the Shikon no Tama, and not for some time before that. It felt almost strange, saying her name. And somehow, he felt as if he had done something wrong by saying her name.
Kagome fixed him with a stare. There was no anger or sadness or pity or remorse in that look, just a look of calmness and peace.
"I've been dead, Inuyasha, ever since that day you said her name and ripped my soul from my body."
Inuyasha froze. She couldn't be talking about that day… that day when Kikyo's ashes were made into a sham body by the cursed Onibaba Urasue, could she? She was. He knew she was and it weighed heavily on his heart, how her body had spasmed and lurched and she was as dead for all that time, and, when her soul was returned to her body he left to go after Kikyo instead of checking on her. He felt guilty afterwards, but he felt that he needed to put Kikyo to rest and for them all to have closure. It hadn't happened.
Kagome seemed to know what he was thinking and a strange smile, disconnected from any emotions seemingly, floated eerily on her lips.
"I was dead Inuyasha. I am dead. I just came back for you because I couldn't stand knowing that you were being hurt. My body is to me what Kikyo's body of clay is to her – merely a vessel to allow me to accomplish my mission."
"No!" Inuyasha grabbed her by the shoulders, giving her a hard shake. "Stop it! Stop lying! Your body isn't like hers, it's warm and feeling and…" he broke off and unthinkingly pressed his lips to hers, willing her to respond. Nothing. "Please… I never felt for her what I felt for you. She never made me feel the things I feel when I'm with you. You can't be dead, not when…" 'Not when I was going to finally confess.'
The smile saddened and her hand touched his cheek. He leaned into it hungrily, disbelieving the situation, not wanting to hear her words. He wouldn't let her go, he couldn't.
"I'm sorry Inuyasha, I wish I could have told you sooner… I love you and will always be with you." Kagome's arms encircled his head and pulled him to her, Inuyasha burying his head into her neck.
"You're not dead, you're not dead, you're alive, you're warm and breathing, your heart's beating, you're going to stay with me, like you said you would," Inuyasha began to ramble, clinging to her. Maybe if he kept saying it she would believe it too and everything would be all right.
"Sorry Inuyasha… so sorry."
"But I—" 'But I love you!' His cry was strangled in his throat, as he pulled her body flush to his. He held tightly to her body… he was shaking, but didn't pay any attention, didn't realize it, all senses trained on the girl in his arms, the girl he had so long loved, so longed to make his mate, the one he had protected, the one he had hurt, the one who saved him.
Gentle lips pressed against his forehead. "It's okay, Inuyasha, I understand. That's why I'm sorry." She caressed his ears, first one, then the other, soothing him, before drawing herself to her feet. "I'm dead and I can't change that."
"But what about… the Shikon no Tama…" 'What about us?'
"Don't Inuyasha… I don't want any selfish wish made on my part."
Scrambling to his feet, he opened his mouth to object then bit his lip. Lowering his head he nodded.
"What would you have me do?"
"Hold me?"
Inuyasha pulled her into his arms.
"What about the tama?"
"It's yours."
"I don't want it anymore…" 'I want you. Let me be selfish!' his mind screamed.
"The jewel needs to be dealt with. I'd suggest burning it with my body, but you know how that turned out the last time it was tried…" Kagome smiled weakly and closed her eyes. "Be happy, Inuyasha, even if it's with someone else." Goodbye…
And as she faded away, he sank to his knees and wept bitterly – if only he had told her how he felt… if only…
~Owari~
Original ending. Hope you like.
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Gah! I had taken the happy version and edited via my (poorly scribbled) notes and no sooner do I trash my notes and go to save than the stupid computer shuts down Microsoft Word claiming that there was something wrong when there wasn't and refusing to do a recovery! Stupid computer… grr…
Anyways, I'm posting this first. If anyone wants the happy version up, let me know and I'll post. I like how it turned out, and ::drumroll please:: it's the first time I ever wrote in Sesshoumaru and Kikyo. Big first for me…
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Update:
Obviously, there seems to be some discord (after all these months!) about my sad ending for this one-shot. And, obviously, the complaints are coming from people who hadn't thought to check my profile for the happy ending. Perhaps the most memorable complaint was the one that went: "I hate you -.-" That was the whole post. When I saw it I nearly fell out of my chair because I burst out laughing. If it wasn't for some reviews I had gotten earlier in the day I would never have thought to see exactly which one-shot this was about. However, I felt somewhat chastised since I realized that none of these reviewers had known that I had posted the happy ending as well. It's posted under my profile as "Needed to Go, Wanted to Stay." For all you people who like happy endings, this is for you.