Chapter Two-The Fight
The next morning, Sirius woke up to the banging of pots and pans right over his bed. "YAAAAAAAHHHHHHARGH!!" He leaped out of bed, grabbing his wand, which was on the bedside table, in a single, swift motion. "What the hell do you want?" he shouted, upon seeing Bellatrix's sneer and hearing Narcissa's laughter.
"Don't swear, Sirius!" Andromeda yelled, barging into the room. "And what are you guys doing, anyway?"
"Sirius has to get up," Bellatrix replied placidly.
"What? Why?" Sirius demanded.
"It's nine o'clock, you lazy Gryffindor," Bellatrix sneered. Sneering seemed to be her newest pastime. Aside from sacrificing small fluffy bunnies to the Dark Lord, that is.
"'Lazy Gryffindor'?" Andromeda repeated in disbelief. "Slytherins are far more lazy than any Gryffindor."
"Slytherins? Ha! I beg to differ," Bellatrix sniffed. "We are a cunning and ambitious lot, and it has been said that the early bird catches the proverbial worm."
"So, you're saying Slytherins eat worms?" Sirius cut in.
Andromeda, Bellatrix, and Narcissa all rolled their eyes simultaneously. "That was dumb, Sirius," Andromeda said.
"And what I am saying," Bellatrix continued coldly, "is that Slytherins are not lazy because it rarely suits our purposes to be so."
Narcissa tossed her hair over her shoulder. "This is boring," she announced. "Let's do something interesting."
"Well, how about you leave so I can get some decent clothes on?" Sirius replied rudely, still stung by Andromeda's comment.
"Very well," Bellatrix replied, leaving. Narcissa followed in her wake, while Andromeda shot Sirius an exasperated look as she left as well.
Sirius dressed, and started to make up his bed, but remembered he could use his wand here. With a triumphant grin, he rifled through his trunk and found the wand toward the bottom. He swished his wand happily, a warm feeling shooting through his body. He said the incantation, and the bed made itself. Feeling accomplished, Sirius set his wand on his trunk and headed down to breakfast.
"Ahh, that was delicious," Sirius proclaimed, leaning back in his chair. "Well, I'm off."
"Where do you think you're going?" Ananda Black asked coldly.
"Uh, to my room."
"Really. Now, why would you want to do that?"
Sirius stared at her. "Why do you think?"
"Excuse me?" Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa all looked down at their plates, waiting for the blow.
"Um, I meant that I need to use the bathroom."
"In your room?"
"No, no, I got my nouns mixed up. I meant the bathroom."
Ananda raised an eyebrow. Sirius smiled hopefully.
"Mum, can we please just go?" Andromeda asked quietly.
"Very well. Get out of my sight," she snapped. The children all got up and walked with dignity out the door. Then they all ran upstairs, chasing Sirius, who was wondering if it was That Time Of The Month.
Running as fast as he could, he got up to his room, and slammed the door behind him. Whispering the Locking Charm, he sank to the floor, panting. It was then that he noticed an owl bearing not one, but three letters. Opening them excitedly, he began to read.
Dear Sirius,
Well, excuuuuuuse me for being slightly concerned for my friends' welfare when it comes to trying to become you-know-whats. Especially after that disgusting book that showed those horrible moving photographs of the failures. I mean, really. There was no reason to call names. Jerk.
As a matter of fact, I have read some historical books lately, but they were not boring. One was particularly good—
Sirius rolled his eyes and skipped the next few sentences.
--and that was how I found out about mating habits of armadillos.
I had heard about your incarceration, actually. James had just owled me, along with the Map. I came up with a title for it by the way. Be dazzled: The Marauder's Map!
The story of how I came up with that is pretty good! I was cleaning my room because Mum was going to shoot me if I didn't pretty soon (she had That Look on her face—you know the Look I mean) and anyway, my bookcase got shaken when I accidentally hit it with my, erm, shoe. Right. So, anyway, my dictionary fell down onto the floor and fell open. I heard the Hallelujah chorus. I ran over to the page, and There It Was. "Marauder: 1. one who roves in search of booty. 2. one who invades for plunder; raider."
James likes the idea, and so did Peter. So even if you hate it, we're just going to beat you up and make you agree. Right.
No "fair young lasses" or whatever you called them have owled me for your address. And if they did, I would send them to your mother.
RJL
Sirius rolled his eyes in disgust. He'd answer that letter first.
My dear laddie,
As absolutely fascinating as the mating habits of armadillos are, I have to say that you have reached an all-time low. Anyway, enough chit-chat. The Marauder's Map. Marauder. I like it. And if you send ANYTHING to my mother, I will hex you. Right. Well, I have to answer James' letter. As they say in la belle France, bonjour.
Sirius
Sirius sealed that letter and turned to James'.
Hey ugly,
Attached is the Famed Marauder's Map, full of wonder, treasure, and secret passages. Do as you wish, as long as you don't mess it up. And no girls have written for your address, and I will never tell you who has written, even if wild horses, big black Grims, wolves, and rats come to tear out my liver and stomp on my heart. Well, perhaps then. But not until then. Anyway, have you asked your aunt yet? The party's gonna be on the second Saturday of August.
JGP
Hey stupid,
Am cackling over our brilliance and my soon-to-be apparent genius. No, I have not asked Aunt Whatshername yet, because I haven't caught her in a good mood. Besides, it's just now July. Erm. 15th. See? Plenty of time. So anyway, I'm planning on asking her sometime next week. I'm going to do my angel thing and then spring on her the idea of spending time at a "pureblood's" house. Though your parents haven't exactly kept it secret whose side they're on. But I live in hope. And I can arrange for a Grim, a rat, and a wolf to attack you. Perhaps I can get a wild horse. So tell me who wrote!
Sirius Orion Black
The Great
Sirius sealed the envelope and put it aside. Feeling accomplished, he picked up his the final letter.
Sirius,
It's Peter. Are you coming to James' house for his party? I think I will be. Have you done anything with the Map yet? Pretty exciting, isn't it? Should make for a fun year this fall!
Sirius stared at the letter. Did Peter think Sirius had nothing better to do than read a boring letter with no juicy bits of gossip or news of girls? Suddenly, Sirius' eyes caught an unbelievable sentence.
Erm, do you think James would mind if I borrowed the Cloak once in a while? Just to, you know, explore. I'd need the Map too. To make sure no one's around. Well, I guess I'll tell you. I'd like to be able to meet up with someone occasionally.
Sirius nearly had a heart attack. Surely... surely Peter hadn't got himself a girl, had he? No, no, the idea was preposterous. Though... come to think of it, hadn't he talked a bit to that Ravenclaw? Sirius strained to remember her name. He'd not been particularly interested in Ravenclaws, except for Jenna. She had refused to do almost anything on their dates but study; hence Sirius' raised grades for that quarter. McGonagall had been quite unnerved. At any rate, he'd quickly lost interest in Ravenclaws, but he distinctly remembered Peter talking a bit to that one girl, oh, what was her name? Sirius knew he'd seen Peter doodling her name somewhere... He vaguely remembered glasses and long, straight blonde hair. Sirius got up to find Andromeda. Perhaps she would remember.
"Andie?" Sirius called, knocking on her door.
"Come in," Andromeda replied.
Sirius walked in to find her sprawled across her bed reading Witch Weekly. "What's up?" she asked absentmindedly, marking answers in a quiz.
"Are you very friendly with the Ravenclaw girls?" Sirius asked. "Oh, a few. Why?"
"Do you know a girl with glasses and long blonde hair?"
Andromeda finally looked up. "Jane Firestar?"
Aha! That was the name! Sirius replied excitedly, "Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! What's she like?"
"Do you fancy her?" Andromeda asked, astonished.
"Me? Oh, no, no, Peter does."
"Peter?"
"Yeah, so what can you tell me about her?"
Andromeda opened her mouth, and then shut it. "I'm not going to tell you," she said huffily, turning back to her quiz.
"Why?" Sirius exclaimed.
"Because you'll just be horrible to Peter about it, and one day you'll push the boy over the edge. I've seen how you and James can treat him!" she snapped when Sirius opened his mouth to protest. "You act like he's nothing more than your errand boy, lives to do nothing but your bidding, and you'll make his life miserable if you knew about him and Jane, so I'm not going to tell you. You can find out from him if he wants to tell you. Poor boy," Andromeda sniffed disdainfully of Sirius and all his doings.
Sirius was flabbergasted. There was no other word. Speechless, he left the room, and returned to his letters. He skimmed through Peter's, but did not reply. Truthfully, he couldn't think of much to say. He mailed off James' and Remus' letters, and went to find Bellatrix. He needed a good fight.
"Hey Bella," Sirius said casually, entering her lair. "What's up?"
"Get out, you foul creature."
"Whatcha reading?" Sirius asked, flopping next to her on her bed. He pulled the magazine away from her.
"Give that back now!" Bellatrix growled.
"Never!" Sirius cried gleefully. He leaped up and grabbed a pillow, and hit her on the side of her arm.
"You--!" she yelled angrily, too angry to even finish her sentence. She grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be her alarm clock, shaped like a human skull, (the time flashed out of the mouth, with the date in the right eye and AM or PM in the left) and threw it at Sirius' head. He hit it squarely with the pillow and knocked it to the side. Bellatrix let out a primal scream of fury and leapt at Sirius with vengeance.
Sirius laughed exuberantly and smacked her with the pillow again. She grabbed her other pillow and hit him too. They went at it for several minutes, running around Bella's room, then making it into the hallway, running down the steps, jumping over furniture, and yelling insults. Bellatrix, in a moment of insane rage, screamed a word too dirty to put into print, flung her pillow at him and he deflected it easily, sneering, "Is that the best you can do?"
Bellatrix, her face contorted with hatred, picked up a lamp. Sirius' eyes widened. "Bellatrix! Noooo--!"
But it was too late.
Bellatrix hurled the lamp, and hit Sirius squarely in the chest. The laughter had not yet died from his face, and his eyes widened. It seemed to take him an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward onto the couch.
Sirius woke up many hours later, his chest aching. He looked around, bleary- eyed. "Angamuldof?" he mumbled, his mouth feeling like it must be full of marbles.
"I'm right here," Andromeda said gently, rubbing cream on his chest. Sirius suddenly felt quite a bit better.
"What happened?" Sirius asked groggily. Uncle Alphard handed him some pumpkin juice.
"You went looking for a fight, and you found one," Alphard said, a bit sharply. "I have grounded Bellatrix for the time being, because she did, erm, attack you, but you are not in my good graces either, young man."
"Wait until your mother hears about this!" Narcissa said gleefully.
Sirius choked on his pumpkin juice, spraying it all over his bed, Andromeda and Narcissa. Narcissa shrieked and ran out of the room to get a bath.
"Don't tell Mum!" he begged. "She'll kill me! Please!"
"Oh, we are not going to tell your mother," said Andromeda impatiently. "We aren't homicidal."
"You got some letters when you were, er, sleeping," Alphard said, looking at his pocket watch. "It's about eight in the evening. We decided to give you a sleeping potion so you could sleep off the worst of it."
"Yeah, so you can just go to bed after you read your owls." Andromeda handed the letters to Sirius, and she and Alphard left the room.
Sirius opened the letter from James.
Sirius,
If you are waiting to catch your aunt in a good mood, as you put it, you'll never get to come. Just ask her and be done with it. Fool.
Do you really want to know who wrote? Because if you do, I'll tell you—WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT MY HOUSE! I won't risk this owl being intercepted.
Got to go. Write back only when you get the answer.
Sirius flung the letter aside, and opened the next.
Sirius,
Bonjour means hello. Not good bye. And you need to stop speaking languages you don't know. Are you going to be able to come to James' party?
Remus
Sirius sighed deeply. Tomorrow, he decided, he would ask permission of the High Priestess of Evil to go to James' house. And if she said no...
Well.
He'd go anyway. So ha.