DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me. If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.
CATEGORY: Carby Angst RATING: PG-13SPOILERS: None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.
SUMMARY: Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship
Chapter Three
Carter rests his hand on the small of Kem's back as he gently leads her into the hospital. She is protectively holding their son, Alexander, as she shields him from the strong wind that is so famous in Chicago. He is three weeks old and has a nasty cold. Carter insisted that their pediatrician see him, despite the fact that both he and Kem are doctors. Carter had been back to work for two days, but decided to take the day off to make sure Alexander was all right. He was worried about his son, but also glad to have this time together. They walk in through the main hospital entrance when Carter realizes that he has left his wallet in his locker.
"I need to stop in the ER for a 'sec, meet you upstairs?"
Kem nods her head and smiles a weary smile. Alexander has been doing his best to make sure that neither of his parents sleeps more than two hours straight. "Sure, but don't take to long."
Carter separates from the two and makes his way to the ER. As he walks down the familiar hospital halls, he remembers the last time he was here, three weeks earlier. Kem went into labor in the middle of the night, and the two had frantically driven to the hospital at 3:00 A.M. Five hours later he was holding the miracle that was his son.
His son. The one thing that makes any sense to him right now. The one thing that has saved him from feeling helpless and alone in the world. And, if he were to be honest with himself, the one thing that allows him to push all of his insecurities and self-doubts into a place within himself that is almost unreachable.
They had chosen the name Alexander a few hours after his birth. Carter knew his parents would be slightly disappointed that he wasn't carrying on the Carter family legacy, but he also knew that his parents were more than slightly disappointed that their first grandchild was born out of wedlock. When he called his mother he had received an icy congratulations and a promise to come visit soon. His father had been a bit more jovial, but made the same empty promise as his mother. He told himself that he shouldn't expect anything else, but it was still difficult to watch all the grandparents in the nursery "ooh" and "ahh" over the rows of babies that lay on the opposite side of the glass window.
Almost everyone from the ER had come to visit. Susan brought a stuffed elephant, Deb an adorable pair of overalls. Even Luka stopped up with a colorful baby rattle. In fact, the only person who hadn't come up to visit was Abby.
"Abby." Carter says as he walks into the lounge. She is standing at her locker, putting on her lab coat.
"Hey Carter," she says with a genuine smile, "are you working today?"
"No, I left my wallet here yesterday. Kem and Alexander are upstairs for a check-up."
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, I think so. He has a bad cold and is having a little trouble catching his breath, but I think its just because he's stuffed up." Carter shakes his head. "I guess I'm becoming an overprotective parent already."
Abby smiles for a moment before asking, "So how is fatherhood? You getting any sleep?"
"Barely, although Kem suffers the brunt of it. I don't exactly have the right equipment to help with the midnight feedings." Abby smirks at him as he continues. "Although at 2 in the morning, I can't say I feel all that left out."
"Better not let Kem hear you say that," Abby jokes.
"Yeah, that statement definitely does not leave this room."
"Deal."
Carter smiles again as he looks at Abby and realizes that this is the first time in over a year that he has felt this comfortable with her. It reminds him of a much simpler time. A time when they were the best of friends, when it felt like any problem could be overcome as long as they were together, and a time when they shared moments like these on a daily basis. He misses sharing that easy camaraderie with someone. He notices Abby shifting uncomfortably, and he realizes that he is staring.
"Uh, I better get to work."
"Yeah, and I better go upstairs."
She turns to leave, but pauses at the door for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't come to see the baby. I didn't know….um. Well, I wasn't sure if you'd want me there."
Didn't want her there? If only she knew. "It's okay, I understand. But I would like it if you came to meet him sometime." He looks off to the side before establishing eye contact. "It would mean a lot to me."
Abby slowly nods her head before exiting the room. He finds himself watching the door even after she has left.
~
"So how is the Carter family doing today?" Dr. George is a wonderful pediatrician. She is great with babies and has a way of putting parents at ease.
"Well, Kem and I are doing just fine, but little Alexander here is having a little trouble breathing."
"Let me take a look."
Dr. George examines Alexander as Kem and Carter anxiously look on. Carter is suddenly aware of how fragile and dependent his son is as he watches the doctor, and a wave of fear washes over him. He holds his breath, silently praying that everything is okay, even though the doctor in him already knows this to be true. After a moment, Dr. George wraps Alexander up in his blanket and gingerly hands him back to Kem who places a gentle kiss upon his forehead.
"I think it's just a simple cold. Babies tend to breathe through their noses, so that could be why he is having trouble catching his breath. I'll have the nurse clean out his nose and he should be just fine. I just want to review his file to make sure there isn't anything I'm missing."
Carter lets out a sigh of relief and smiles down at his son. He can tell that Kem shares his relief as her body visibly relaxes.
"I'm sorry to bother you over nothing, we just wanted to make sure," Carter apologizes sheepishly.
Dr. George dismisses his apology with a wave of her hand. "It happens all the time. Doctors know every little thing that can go wrong, and first-time parents often let their imaginations run wild." She studies Alexander's file for a moment longer.
"It says here that you requested a blood test when he was born. Is there anything in particular you were looking for?"
Kem shakes her head as she replies, "Not really. I spent the majority of my pregnancy in the Congo working with AIDS patients. We were just being extra cautious."
Dr. George nods as she finishes reading. "Well, it looks like everything tested negative."
"Yeah, I guess we were being a little paranoid."
"No, it's always better to be sure. And at the very least, you got to find out your baby's blood type is A+. Always a good thing to know in case of an emergency. I'll send a nurse in to clean out his nose. It was good seeing you both."
Dr. George exits the room, oblivious to the fact that all of the color has drained from Carter's face and that Kem has backed up against the wall for support. For what Dr. George did not know was that Carter and Kem had not known Alexander's blood type. They had not asked, and the doctor had not shared the information with them. They had been satisfied to hear that he was healthy. But now they know. And they also know that they are both O-. It is biologically impossible for them to have a child with A+ blood. One of them is not Alexander's parent, and since Kem carried him for nine months, it is quite clear who will no longer be able to call Alexander their son.
Carter is not the father.
Carter knows this. He and Kem were often asked to donate blood in the Congo since O- is a universal blood type and is used so frequently. He looks at Kem with a mixture of hurt, anger and fear. Tears enter her eyes as she shakes her head in disbelief. Every bit of doubt he had concerning this relationship comes roaring to the forefront of his mind. The roar becomes louder and louder until it pulsates through his entire body. The room suddenly becomes too small for Carter; he can't breathe and everything is becoming hazy. He frantically grasps for his jacket and opens the door with such force that had anyone been standing on the other side they would be knocked to the ground. He runs down the hall, desperate to leave the hospital, although clueless as to where he will go.
He needs to escape.
~
Carter has wandered the streets of Chicago for six hours. In that time he has experienced a rage that he has never felt before, followed by a period of uncontrollable grief. A feeling of intense hopelessness, much like what he felt when he left for Africa after his grandmother's death, soon followed. It was in this state of mind that he makes his decision.
He doesn't care that this is not biologically his child.
He doesn't care that Kem lied to him.
He doesn't care that he lied to himself.
He is going to raise this child. He is going to love this baby as his own and he and Alexander and Kem are going to be a family. He is filled with a powerful determination to make this work, to create the family he has so strongly desired since he was a child. It is with this determination that he approaches their home and walks inside to find Kem nervously waiting for him.
"John-"
He raises his hand, asking for her silence. She obliges and waits for him to speak.
"Look. I'm sorry I stormed out like that; it was just a lot to take in. Although I must say, I'm not completely surprised. I think there was always a part of me that wondered how you could be so sure he was mine since we got together so soon after you and Peter broke up."
"I'm sorry too. I think I just wanted him to be yours so bad that I convinced myself it must be true."
Carter walks over to her and holds her hands. "It doesn't matter. I love Alexander, and as far as I'm concerned, he is mine. Nothing has changed. Tell me nothing has changed."
Kem looks away from him and pulls her hands out of his. "Everything has changed."
Carter shakes his head as she continues. "I'm going back to Africa. Peter deserves to know his son." Kem's voice begins to break. "And you deserve to be with someone who you truly love. With someone who truly loves you back."
Carter shakes his head more violently as the last bits of the world he created for himself crumble away.
"We have two separate lives, and neither one of us is ready to give our life up. I think we've both been running for a long time. I know I have ever since my father was killed. And we thought that as long as we had each other, we wouldn't have to face those horrible truths that we have been running from. But I need to think of my son now. I need to stop running, and so do you."
She walks over to Carter and kisses the tears that are now freely running down his cheeks.
"Please don't hate me," she whispers.
But Carter cannot respond because the roar in his head has returned. He had been so sure that Kem and Alexander were the answer to everything. That they would help him forget everything.
The death of his grandmother.
His cold and distant relationship with his parents.
The Carter family legacy that had defined who he was despite his every attempt to deny it.
The loss of his brother.
His drug addiction.
Abby.
Now there is nothing to keep him from those thoughts. Nothing to keep those memories from weaving in and out of his mind until they have formed a tight web that suffocates any bit of happiness within him.
So for the second time that day he will run. He will run until beads of sweat rapidly escape through his pores and his chest heaves up and down, desperately searching for air. He will run until his legs buckle beneath him and he can run no longer, and it will be only then that he will begin to slay the demons that have threatened his existence for such a long time.
*****************************************************************************
Author's Note: Hmmmm. Where to begin? First, I want to say that I have absolutely no medical training, so if I screwed up the blood type stuff, I apologize. I got my info from the Internet, so hopefully it is accurate. Secondly, I got the stuffy nose/breathing through the mouth thing from Witch Hunt (the episode where Abby loses baby May). I also hope that this was realistic. Thirdly, I wanted to say that this was a very difficult chapter to write, and I'm guessing it wasn't the most enjoyable to read. However, it is important to the story, so please stick with me. There will be a lot more Carby interaction in the next chapter. (Although don't think that just because Kem is out of the picture that they will be getting together anytime soonJ) Lastly, thank you so much for everyone who reviewed the first two chapters. You all are so incredibly encouraging, and I really do value your comments.
Please Review!