After the brief confrontations, it was some time before I finally emerged
from my rooms. I had holed myself up in them out of sheer embarrassment at
being caught at voyeurism. At my bidding, the servants brought my meals
directly to me. The others seemed to realize that I needed sometime alone,
and therefore did not question my absence at meals and around the gardens.
Quatre sent me several notes, assuring me my welcome had indeed not worn
out, that he loved me like a brother, and that if I tried to leave again,
he simply wouldn't stand for it. I wrote back saying that I understood,
loved him too (however reluctantly I scribbled those words, as unused to
expressing my emotions directly as I was), and that I would try no such
thing. I believe that my brief letter served as a sort of proof that I was
still among the living. I could tell he worried about me. We Gundam
pilots seemed to be more prone to suicidal tendencies, which was to be
expected, considering our pasts.
Not that I hadn't considered suicide. I certainly was miserable enough. But in my situation, it was not the honorable thing to do. So I settled with making it up to Heero and Duo, if they would let me.
What finally drove me out of my lonely solitude was the need for fresh air, sun, and green things. Simple human companionship may have had something to do with it, though not much. I had grown weak in the post-war days like a silly woman.
I joined the other pilots suddenly one day, while they were eating a light luncheon in the easternmost garden. A pleasant heat had settled in the air, and cicadas rang out from the few trees scattered about for shade.
"Wufei!" Quatre cried out, "It's so wonderful to see you again!"
Trowa smiled knowingly like he always did, and Heero crossed his arms and glared at his plate, thinking hard (I could almost see the little hamster running in its wheel in his head). The vein in his right temple was jumping like mad, which meant that he couldn't make up his mind about something. Duo grinned widely and winked at me like he always did, as if we shared a secret that was just for us. Quatre stood to welcome me with a hug, which I didn't return (Trowa was glaring daggers at me until Quatre let go), and sent a servant scurrying for another chair.
When it came, I sat myself between Duo and Trowa. The servant, used to my preferences, brought a light salad with mandarin oranges and spiced dressing. I picked at it for a while, my shoulders hunched. How could they accept me back among their ranks so easily? How could they stand to be near a person as detestable as I?
I didn't want to think about it. So I turned my attention to the others. The four double-dated often, leaving me alone in the house with the exception of the staff. I liked the silence of the large mansion then. Being lonely by myself was better than being lonely with others so close yet so far. Shortly after I arrived, the two couples quickly became absorbed in each other. Trowa and Quatre were sitting close together, their legs pressed together. Trowa had an arm possessively around Quatre's waist as he whispered into the blond boy's ear. Quatre blushed bright red at whatever he was saying.
Then there was Heero and Duo. Duo had managed to untangle one of Heero's arms and tangle his fingers with Heero's. That was all the contact they had, and they didn't say anything. But they didn't need to. The look in Heero's eyes when he gazed at Duo was mirrored in Duo's eyes as he looked at Heero.
And suddenly everything hurt.
I stood up sharply and dashed away from the table. My chair clattered to the ground and stumbled as one of its legs caught on one of mine. Kicking it loose, I ran. I slammed into a door before I realized I needed to pull and not push. Quatre's hallways seemed eternally long as I skidded around corners and pounded up stairs. They all loved each other so very much and I had no one! I was just a fifth wheel. Nobody needed me! I hit a few walls before I realized I couldn't see. I was blinded by tears that coursed down my face. I sagged against a large potted plant and a violent sob escaped my lips. Men did not cry. Real men weren't supposed to cry. I didn't cry! Then what was this wetness on my face? I was crying. Because nobody wanted me. I slammed my fist into the plant's pot, cracking the blue stone. I staggered down the hall again, ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand. I ran my good one through my hair, it had come loose some time during my flight. I broke into a shaky run and sprinted the rest of the way to my rooms. Once inside I shut the door behind me and threw myself onto my futon. I scrambled under the blankets after I ripped off all my clothes except my boxers. Nobody would ever want me! I was weak, and stupid, and. . .
My door opened. I had forgotten to lock it. I lifted my head to see who had come to bother me, my hair ragged and in my face. I tried to stop the tears leaking out of my sore red eyes, but couldn't.
The figure in the doorway took a step closer and shut the door behind them.
It was Heero Yuy.
"Wufei?"
"Go-go away!" I choked out, and turned away from him. He walked to the only two windows in the room and pulled the shades down to block out the noon sun. I peered at him. Another sob escaped me and he turned to look at me. I flinched under his scrutiny. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want any of them to see me like this!
But then footsteps came towards me, and he knelt by my side. "Wufei?"
I propped myself up on my elbows and sniffled. The blankets fell away from my bare, quaking shoulders. Heero's eyes met mine and he gasped ever so slightly.
"Oh, Wufei. . ." He put his hands underneath my arms and pulled me to him. I didn't resist. He wrapped one arm around me, and tucked my loose hair behind my ears before pressing my face to his shoulder. I clung to him, and when he rubbed my back in slow smooth motions, I began to sob wildly, and clutched at his tank top. I didn't understand why he was here, but at that moment, I didn't care.
"Shh, Wufei, everything is going to be all right. I promise." I didn't listen to him. There was no way he could have kept that promise! But he listened to me, when I tried to explain to him *why* it wouldn't be all right, in a broken voice, repeatedly interrupted by new bouts of uncontrolled weeping. And all the while, he smoothed my hair, rubbed my back, and held me close.
When I was done, he gently laid me back on the futon. I gazed up at him through sore and tired eyes, for all the world like a newborn babe, vulnerable and weak, unsure of the world, of people, and mostly of myself. My near nudity must have completed the picture. And I begged him, with my eyes, not to leave.
He must have understood, because he tucked me under the covers, took off his shoes, and climbed in after me. We laid there for a good few minutes, not touching, before I leaned over on an impulse and kissed him. His lips were a little rough, but pleasant all the same. I drew back slowly, afraid he would be upset. But amazingly, he wasn't.
He put one hand behind my neck and tilted my head with it so he could kiss my forehead and draped one arm around my waist, pulling me close.
This was the first time I had ever snuggled with the Perfect Soldier. I had shared a bed with him multiple times on missions, as I had with the others, when there had been only one bed, or the cold had driven us to bunk together. The other pilots and I had always cozied up if it was the only way to be comfortable on a tiny bed, or the only way to keep warm on a cold night. Hell, Duo snuggled up to everyone whether they wanted it or not, despite how big the bed may have been, or how warm the air. But this was the first time I had *ever* snuggled with Heero.
And it felt nice.
And the pain lessened, just a little bit.
~`~
O wow would you look at that! Another update! This chapter was supposed to be longer but this just seemed like such a nice ending place.
Don't worry! I will make the next chapter soon.
Not that I hadn't considered suicide. I certainly was miserable enough. But in my situation, it was not the honorable thing to do. So I settled with making it up to Heero and Duo, if they would let me.
What finally drove me out of my lonely solitude was the need for fresh air, sun, and green things. Simple human companionship may have had something to do with it, though not much. I had grown weak in the post-war days like a silly woman.
I joined the other pilots suddenly one day, while they were eating a light luncheon in the easternmost garden. A pleasant heat had settled in the air, and cicadas rang out from the few trees scattered about for shade.
"Wufei!" Quatre cried out, "It's so wonderful to see you again!"
Trowa smiled knowingly like he always did, and Heero crossed his arms and glared at his plate, thinking hard (I could almost see the little hamster running in its wheel in his head). The vein in his right temple was jumping like mad, which meant that he couldn't make up his mind about something. Duo grinned widely and winked at me like he always did, as if we shared a secret that was just for us. Quatre stood to welcome me with a hug, which I didn't return (Trowa was glaring daggers at me until Quatre let go), and sent a servant scurrying for another chair.
When it came, I sat myself between Duo and Trowa. The servant, used to my preferences, brought a light salad with mandarin oranges and spiced dressing. I picked at it for a while, my shoulders hunched. How could they accept me back among their ranks so easily? How could they stand to be near a person as detestable as I?
I didn't want to think about it. So I turned my attention to the others. The four double-dated often, leaving me alone in the house with the exception of the staff. I liked the silence of the large mansion then. Being lonely by myself was better than being lonely with others so close yet so far. Shortly after I arrived, the two couples quickly became absorbed in each other. Trowa and Quatre were sitting close together, their legs pressed together. Trowa had an arm possessively around Quatre's waist as he whispered into the blond boy's ear. Quatre blushed bright red at whatever he was saying.
Then there was Heero and Duo. Duo had managed to untangle one of Heero's arms and tangle his fingers with Heero's. That was all the contact they had, and they didn't say anything. But they didn't need to. The look in Heero's eyes when he gazed at Duo was mirrored in Duo's eyes as he looked at Heero.
And suddenly everything hurt.
I stood up sharply and dashed away from the table. My chair clattered to the ground and stumbled as one of its legs caught on one of mine. Kicking it loose, I ran. I slammed into a door before I realized I needed to pull and not push. Quatre's hallways seemed eternally long as I skidded around corners and pounded up stairs. They all loved each other so very much and I had no one! I was just a fifth wheel. Nobody needed me! I hit a few walls before I realized I couldn't see. I was blinded by tears that coursed down my face. I sagged against a large potted plant and a violent sob escaped my lips. Men did not cry. Real men weren't supposed to cry. I didn't cry! Then what was this wetness on my face? I was crying. Because nobody wanted me. I slammed my fist into the plant's pot, cracking the blue stone. I staggered down the hall again, ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand. I ran my good one through my hair, it had come loose some time during my flight. I broke into a shaky run and sprinted the rest of the way to my rooms. Once inside I shut the door behind me and threw myself onto my futon. I scrambled under the blankets after I ripped off all my clothes except my boxers. Nobody would ever want me! I was weak, and stupid, and. . .
My door opened. I had forgotten to lock it. I lifted my head to see who had come to bother me, my hair ragged and in my face. I tried to stop the tears leaking out of my sore red eyes, but couldn't.
The figure in the doorway took a step closer and shut the door behind them.
It was Heero Yuy.
"Wufei?"
"Go-go away!" I choked out, and turned away from him. He walked to the only two windows in the room and pulled the shades down to block out the noon sun. I peered at him. Another sob escaped me and he turned to look at me. I flinched under his scrutiny. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want any of them to see me like this!
But then footsteps came towards me, and he knelt by my side. "Wufei?"
I propped myself up on my elbows and sniffled. The blankets fell away from my bare, quaking shoulders. Heero's eyes met mine and he gasped ever so slightly.
"Oh, Wufei. . ." He put his hands underneath my arms and pulled me to him. I didn't resist. He wrapped one arm around me, and tucked my loose hair behind my ears before pressing my face to his shoulder. I clung to him, and when he rubbed my back in slow smooth motions, I began to sob wildly, and clutched at his tank top. I didn't understand why he was here, but at that moment, I didn't care.
"Shh, Wufei, everything is going to be all right. I promise." I didn't listen to him. There was no way he could have kept that promise! But he listened to me, when I tried to explain to him *why* it wouldn't be all right, in a broken voice, repeatedly interrupted by new bouts of uncontrolled weeping. And all the while, he smoothed my hair, rubbed my back, and held me close.
When I was done, he gently laid me back on the futon. I gazed up at him through sore and tired eyes, for all the world like a newborn babe, vulnerable and weak, unsure of the world, of people, and mostly of myself. My near nudity must have completed the picture. And I begged him, with my eyes, not to leave.
He must have understood, because he tucked me under the covers, took off his shoes, and climbed in after me. We laid there for a good few minutes, not touching, before I leaned over on an impulse and kissed him. His lips were a little rough, but pleasant all the same. I drew back slowly, afraid he would be upset. But amazingly, he wasn't.
He put one hand behind my neck and tilted my head with it so he could kiss my forehead and draped one arm around my waist, pulling me close.
This was the first time I had ever snuggled with the Perfect Soldier. I had shared a bed with him multiple times on missions, as I had with the others, when there had been only one bed, or the cold had driven us to bunk together. The other pilots and I had always cozied up if it was the only way to be comfortable on a tiny bed, or the only way to keep warm on a cold night. Hell, Duo snuggled up to everyone whether they wanted it or not, despite how big the bed may have been, or how warm the air. But this was the first time I had *ever* snuggled with Heero.
And it felt nice.
And the pain lessened, just a little bit.
~`~
O wow would you look at that! Another update! This chapter was supposed to be longer but this just seemed like such a nice ending place.
Don't worry! I will make the next chapter soon.