Surprise surprise I'm updating!!! Anywho, I'll keep this author's note short, because I've always hated having to skip over the paragraphs and paragraphs of author's notes when I read other people's fics.
I want to thank everyone who's read this fic and give special thanks to those who have reviewed! I do believe (despite the terrible OOCness that fades in and out) that this has remained the most popular fic I've ever written (barring the DPI, but that doesn't count because it's a completely different fandom). Keep an eye out, because after this, there are only two chapters left. I think. You know that feeling where you just _know_? Well I _know_. Let's see if I can actually write them! Kumagoro BEAM!!!!
~`~
It amazes me sometimes, how much of a fool I can be. How shamed and dishonorable. It seemed death was all there was left for me, but even that I was not allowed to have as I clung to the last muddy shreds of my dignity.
Or at least that's what I told myself, as I burned in the cheap plastic stall, red face turned up to the rusted shower head. The searing hot water did not cleanse me or make me feel better about myself. It was a form of self-punishment and I reveled in it.
I reached out a shaking hand and turned the heat up a notch, and a slow, small, feral grin curled my lips into grim pleasure.
And I reveled in it.
~`~
"He WHAT?!"
Heero dug a pinky into his ear and swirled a bit before removing it again. He hoped to one day use his hearing once more after Duo's astonished shout. But then again, if he heard what had caused Duo's holler more often, he might not want his hearing back.
"Like I said, sir, I'm sure it's all in this note, should you care to read it." The decidedly unruffled butler, a cousin of Relena's infamous Pagan undoubtedly, held out a white-gloved hand, upon which rested a note folded so hastily it held none of the obsessive geometric preciseness of their friend's hand.
"Damn straight I'm gonna read it!" The brash American fumbled with the note, dropped it with shaky hands, and reached for it again. But before he could bend properly at the waist, the butler snatched the slim piece of paper and held it out to Heero instead.
"Perhaps you, sir." The uptight man much preferred Heero's calm, solid attitude to Duo's hectic and wild behavior. He sniffed audibly in the opposite direction of his least favorite master.
Duo glowered and glared and then settled on sulking. He wasn't in his own wing after all. God forbid he'd want to visit the library. God forbid indeed!
Heero took the note in his deft fingers and unfolded it, while Duo whipped out his cell phone and began dialing frantically.
"Q, d'you know anything about this?!"
Heero's eyes scanned the thin script, the barest emotion on his face. But his fingers clenched ever so slightly, enough to crinkle the paper. He could vaguely hear Quatre's voice through Duo's phone. Until Duo started yelling.
"You knew?! You KNEW?!" He was starting to go red in the face.
"Duo." Heero called softly, his eyes still on the brief letter.
Duo snapped his phone shut, not even bothering to say goodbye. "I'm sorry, Heero, but I can't help but feel this is all my fault!"
Heero wrapped an arm around his lover's waist and drew him snug against his side. Turning Duo's focus towards the note, he said, "I can't help but think that this is all our faults."
Dear Friends,
I once loathed the day I would have to tell you this, but now I welcome its reprieve. I know that this will hurt you, but I cannot bear it any longer. My soul is being torn to shreds and even now the last pieces are being wasted away. Living with all of you was a joy at first. I felt loved and comforted. But with time, it became clear to me that I did not belong.
I do not plan on returning and likewise do not look for me.
At indeterminate intervals I shall let you know of my continued existence.
Chang.
~`~
I collapsed to my hands and knees underneath the torrent of liquid steam. My knees were jelly and my arms shook. The water was beginning to cool down as I used up the last of the hot water and I had long since turned from pink to red. With trembling, clumsy fingers, I reached for the tap and fumbled twice before I had a firm grasp on it. I slowly turned off the water and sat back on my knees, supporting my torso with my hands and arms. Letting my legs slide out from beneath me, I laid down on my side, watching the remnants of water drain away. It wasn't long before I fell asleep. Or unconscious. It didn't matter to me. I was dead to the world for several hours, caught in a dreamless sleep that I never wanted to end.
~`~
"I couldn't stop him! I just. . . I just couldn't!" Quatre cried. "He has such pain in his heart." His voice quavered. "All I wanted to do was help and all I did was make it worse!" His hands were clenched on his knees, his shoulders hunched, his face down. His eyes were squeezed shut and tears steadily flowed from them.
His lover sat next to him, his emerald eyes crinkled with worry. His friend was who knew where doing who knew what and Quatre was tearing himself to pieces over it. He slipped an arm around the smaller boy's waist and hugged him close, turning the fair, blond head to his shoulder, and small hands clutched at his sweater.
There was nothing we could do, Trowa thought as he closed his eyes, holding his lover tightly against him. Never having been a cheerful person to begin with, it seemed Chang Wufei was fated to a life of misery.
~`~
My skin felt stretched and pinched all at the same time.
That was the first thing to come to my mind as I slowly woke up, even before I opened my eyes. My hair was spread over my face, nearly dry. I could not muster the energy to sweep it behind my ear.
I could stir my limbs a little, just enough for the pain to register. I had boiled myself alive. It hurt. A lot. But I felt I had been justly punished.
I laid there for hours, limbs stiff and aching. My joints were swollen horribly.
And as if I hadn't been dehydrated enough by the scalding water, my eyes decided to start leaking.