Not a considerable amount of plot development here. But it is long and funny (I think…). I laughed aloud when Fujin's codename came upon me. I've interpreted Selphie as being quite affectionate/flirtatious which I believe really compliments as part of her whole personality. I could be wrong. Note that a Seifer/Selphie draw is almost irresistible for me. Hmmm…
As Aeris pointed out, this is largely inspired by Monty Python and their brunt of humor. They are the source of all of the titles and this chapter will contain a parody of their epic sketch "Ethel the Frog" as a tribute to their brilliance. Salvete omnes… Et nunc… Hoc…
"Quisty! Where have you been all day?" Selphie was prancing along merrily, as she usually was. She caught Quistis along the hallways after being mysteriously absent for the entire day. Quistis was always preparing something, on a mission, or training: so why would she be gone for so long?
"Oh, hi Selphie. I was spending some time with Seifer in town." She tried to hide the ending with a low mumble but Selphie's acute aural senses were easily able to make it out. Correspondingly, the shorter one positively beamed in her astonishment. Heh. Who ever heard of negatively beaming? Taking care to appearing in great concentration, she pretended to clean out her ears.
She looked pleased and relieved by the development: Now all the 'gang' had spent some time with their lost member. "Pray tell, what did the dear instructor and favorite student do during that time?" Quistis couldn't believe that the sprite had heard her entire comment. She knew that her and Seifer had grown close, but how close she didn't know. Certainly she didn't want to hurt her friend by encroaching on whom may be her boyfriend? Seemed highly unlikely, sure, but stranger things than Selphie and Seifer getting together had happened before.
Remembering that she had been asked a question and that the enquirer had an attention span shorter than her bright yellow jumper/dress, "Well, we uh, had lunch and talked about some of my poorer students, and…" Those piercing emeralds sure made it difficult to finish. Selphie could be pretty imposing for a little runt and Quistis couldn't help but feel as though this was more of an inquisition than a friendly chat.
"Annddd…"
Quistis started to laugh, as if to play off the next words as a big joke, and verily they were to a certain extent. She could only hope it would ease and not aggravate the situation. "And, as he put it, he 'showed me the grandiosity of his Weltanschauung.'" She continued to laugh, albeit nervously.
The smaller girl's eyes widened dramatically. "On the first date?" She was nearly screaming. Whether she did so for congratulation or shock could not be told.
"Shhh! That's not what I mean…" Quistis went on to explain the meaning of the word and elaborate on the day's events. To her gratification, her friend wasn't the least bit upset about the activities. Actually, she seemed quite happy.
"Well, you spent some time with my Seifie. It's about time. He probably thought you were avoiding him." She was bouncing excitedly. Despite her closeness to Selphie, Quistis had never heard that nickname before. 'Seifie.' Wait. Now what had she said before that…
The instructor was stifling a giggle even while asking a fairly serious question; "Your 'Seifie?' You aren't… seeing each other, are you? You seem very close." Worry was evident in the question posed, for her friend's feelings and perhaps… her friend's feelings, yes. He might have the potential to hurt Selphie just as much as she did right now, after all.
Selphie shook her head violently. "No, no, Quisty." She grinned lopsidedly, "But sometimes we like to pretend to. You know, just to keep everyone guessing. Tee hee. It's fun." She skipped along.
"So, do you actually call him 'Seifie' to his face?" She asked incredulously.
"Yeah. Sometimes. Why?"
"And yet you still live. Amazing."
"Well, he did send me some of his death glares the first few times, but he got used to it." There was silence for some time as they walked along the corridors of the Garden.
"Are you sure? That you aren't dating I mean." Quistis looked down ashamedly.
"Now waddaya mean by that Quisty? 'Course I'm sure. Why do you keep asking anyway?" Selphie stopped to face her.
"I just wouldn't want you to think that I would impose on a relationship that you were having… or wanted to have."
"Oh, for crying in the sink, Quistis! I trust you and I trust him. I mean its not like I haven't thought about hooking up with him. I wonder who hasn't, really. I just think that we'll just be really good friends, that's all. He's my big sweetie-pie Seifie!" She was hugging herself and rocking back and forth. "He's my bestest friend. Well, 'sides you and Rinny of course.
Quistis was laughing out loud. This was something that didn't happen entirely too often.
"What? What's so funny?" She was frowning with her small fists on her hips and nose scrunched up.
Her friend currently was having difficulty remaining upright, for her condition of laughing so hard, and snorting intermittently. She sniffed. "I've heard a lot of words used to describe Seifer Almasy, but those of 'sweetie-pie' were never among them."
"So?" She replied huffily, lifting her nose into the air. "It's true." Her foot stamped in a childlike manner to match her tone. She stuck her tongue out too. "I'm gonna call him right now and make up an emergency." Well, she surely brightens up quickly.
"Don't you think that you should only call for a real emergency?" Selphie waved her hand dismissively. A voice came through on Selphie's cell phone.
"SECURITY."
Meanwhile, Seifer was keeping watch over the brig. Things were quiet with only the few Trepies still locked up inside. Their full punishments were still being decided. He'd already had his fun extracting what information he could from them. Wasn't much, and Trepe wasn't a huge help either. It seems that she was almost entirely unaware of her immense fan club, so to speak. Yes, she had noticed that some students pay her more attention than others and seem to admire her a bit strongly, but she hadn't really seen anything to indicate unhealthy infatuations. Hell, she didn't even know they had a name for their little society. Now that's interesting…
"RUBBER DUCKY?" His communicator was sounding off.
"What is it, Snuggles?" Man, these codenames are ridiculous. Evidently Fujin had something going on at the office.
"M.G. EMERGENCY, CLAIMS."
"Messenger Girl? Selphie?" He received confirmation. "Give her the Check. And record it." He'd asked for a number of recordings lately; for anything that had potential to be funny, actually. Only for a little while longer did he need to keep vigil over the cells. Then he would go over and watch the conversation from Selphie's end if he could find her.
Seifer checked his watch. Someone was approaching him as he looked up from it. The cadet walked over to where Seifer was sitting.
"I heard you put my friend in here today. I want you to let him go. He didn't do anything wrong. You're just trying to bully us all around like you did before." The kid seemed determined, but oh so foolish.
"No."
"Can I at least talk to him?"
"No. Unless you want to annoy me some more and I'll throw you in there too."
"Then I refuse to move from this spot until you set him free. You can't put me away for that."
"I couldn't?"
"I wouldn't be breaking any rules."
"Except for rule six, paragraph nine, subsection E: 'attempting to coerce or bribe Garden faculty.' So get out of here. That's an order." He smirked as the cadet realized his 'perfect' plan (even if he couldn't see the inmate, he might get out of some training and classes) was destroyed on a technicality. The student hadn't counted on Seifer knowing the rules so well; everyone always said that he ignored all instructions, directions, and policies.
"My body will follow the orders of my oppressor, but my soul never will." Even in defeat the student remained indignant. Seifer saw Raijin come to replace him at the desk. He rose up and started to leave.
"Good. As long as your body follows them I won't have to make your soul itinerant."
It did not take too long to find Selphie, standing with Quistis on her cell phone even after a few minutes of talking to Fujin. By appearance it seemed that she was about halfway through the Check, as no doubt she was put on hold until Fujin could find the document used to guide such events, and the preliminary 'normal questions' were mostly over. They were in the cafeteria and he grabbed a soda at it hovered by and took a seat within earshot of the conversation taking place.
Selphie was listening intently and seemed to be answering a series of questions. "…Yes. Yes. Yes. Uh huh. No, it's pretty old. Uh, five foot one and a half. Oh, right, about one point six meters. No." She blushed "No-o, not recently. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Hold on…" She took off a shoe and looked inside. "Size six. Beige. Boxers, definitely. Only when it's warm out. Once while I was asleep. Yes. Yes. Yes. Next Wednesday at 1700? Okie…" Though she was quite a deft SeeD, Selphie was also, contrary to her personality, not always the brightest crayon in the box, as it were. Right now she didn't realize the joke she was trying to pull on Security was being put off on her due to her attention span. "…My dental records?…"
He smiled with regards to the system they had developed to deal with prank callers. No doubt Selphie's contribution would be a classic for the vaults and Seifer couldn't wait to hear what the questions actually were. Quistis said goodbye to Selphie and left her. Finishing his soda, he stood up to walk over to where the sprite was and mussed up her eccentric hair affectionately. Walking away, his arm was caught as she turned off the phone abruptly.
"Heeey. I've been looking for you. Quisty told me that you spent the day together." She leaned forward and began to whisper. "Did you find out anything?"
"Nope. Strangely she isn't exactly a wealth of information on herself." He sighed. "But for what it's worth, I don't think that she's the problem."
"The Trepies then? Too absorbed with their instructor's beauty to accomplish anything other than pining and wishing for her?"
"That's my running assumption, but I'll need better confirmation than I have right now."
"Well, good luck. Oh, we're all going to be watching a documentary on the Posse tonight at 1900. You should come too, it'll be fun!" She squealed delightfully and he couldn't help but smile.
"Sure Squirt, I'll be there. Wait. Where exactly is 'there?"
"In my suite, silly. I just bought a HUGE TV!"
"Alright, see you then." She waved cheerily, turned around and skipped off, promptly slamming into a chair. The little one had a habit of running into things and all he could do was shake his head.
At around 1845 most of those invited began to congregate in Selphie's dorm. It didn't appear to have adequate seating for everyone that she had invited, but such was the way Selphie worked. Zell, Irvine, and Quistis were already there and Squall and Rinoa had just walked through the door, Rinoa carrying something in a box.
Squall noticed something on the wall. It was reminiscent of the scroll he had up in his office. "Seifer give you this?"
"Yeah. Why? Did you get one too?"
He nodded. "Saeculo saeculorum anima mea ardorem magnificat. He ever tell you what it means?"
She shook her head. "What did yours say?"
"…Quidquid. When I asked him what it meant he just mocked me and said, 'whatever' in monotone."
"What do you have in there, Rinny?" Selphie asked while walking over to her.
"Edea sent some old pictures of everyone at the orphanage. It thought you all might want to see them." Everyone, the girls especially, gathered round the box. Selphie and Rinoa took great joy in pointing out which were 'cute.' Zell and Squall quickly lost interest and sat down, however. At this point, Seifer walked in with the Posse and greeted the group before taking a seat on Selphie's big plush couch.
"Hey, Seifer." Selphie greeted. "We're just looking at some old pictures that Matron sent us from the orphanage." He remained seated. Maybe he would look at them later. Selphie continued to gossip among her friends. "Ohhh, how cute! Here's a picture of Zell running naked through the flower field."
Zell flushed and Squall smirked in tandem with Seifer. "When was that one taken?" The commander asked.
Seifer answered. "Probably last summer." Everyone, apart from Zell, burst into fits of laughter at this. The Garden was just starting to learn that the tag team wit of Squall and Seifer was an awesome force to behold.
"Hey! It's coming on!" Rinoa proclaimed. She and Selphie bolted to find a seat, knocking Quistis down onto the couch. Or what should have been the couch anyway; it seemed a bit too rigid for the plush item.
"Have a seat instructor." What should have been the couch spoke in a sarcastic and wholly amused tone. She froze. "It's okay; I don't mind. There doesn't seem to be anywhere else to sit anyway." Quistis looked around. Seifer was right. The chairs were taken and even the floor space was occupied. So, entirely uncomfortable with the position she was in she decided to remain where she was. Everyone was too intent on the screen to see where she was anyway. If she didn't move she would be spared the embarrassment.
Selphie, not taking her eyes away from the screen, spoke. "Oh, Seifer. What any of us may have said on here doesn't necessarily reflect the way we feel now."
On the screen a professional looking anchor appeared to introduce the program.
Good evening. Tonight on 'Gertrude the Dromedary' we're going to take a look at three of the figures you may not be so familiar with from the last Sorceress War. Just a few months ago after the most extraordinary trial in known world history, the people known as the 'Posse' were acquitted of all charges of war crimes. We'll examine their rise to power within Balamb Garden and their horrendous fall at the hands of SeeD and perhaps the Sorceress herself.
The scene shifts to an outdoor location in a slum of Fisherman's Horizon. Seifer removed his hands from their uncomfortable position under his instructor and instead folded them neatly over her knees. She blushed furiously, an action that was noticed by him. What the hell? It's almost like she's never been in contact like this… Oh…Oohhhh…He removed his hands and rested them on the arm rest.
On television a dingy house was shown as the announcer continued. Fujin and Raijin Kazano were born, on probation, in this small home in FH, the eldest in a family of two. Seifer rolled his eyes. Aren't television journalists great? Their father Philip Kazano, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well know to the police because of his renowned social functions. At the age of twenty-three, Philip married Belinda Merlot, an up-and-coming Galbadian prizefighter. They show a photograph of a demure young woman. Raijin was born a year after the marriage and Fujin one month later, and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well is their next-door neighbor, Mrs. April Simner.
Mrs. Simner was now being interviewed by the announcer on site. Oh yes, Kipling Road was a very typical FH road for back then. People were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot.
Now the interviewer asked a question. Was it a terribly violent area?
Ohhh… She 'ohhhed' merrily for sometime, as if to indicate preposterousness in the question. Yes. Cheerful and violent. I remember Raijin was very keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that. His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for lunch. Putting his little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then; they didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Hyneian dualism.
At the ages of twelve, the siblings were sent off to Balamb Garden by their own request. Here they immediately started up an operation that they called 'The Operation' … They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money. Four months later they started another operation which they called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Kazanos was the turning point.
The scene cut to Squall. He spoke. Well, soon Fujin and Raijin met up with Seifer Almasy, the most recent Knight. They formed an alliance that they called the 'Posse.' Using the power they received as stewards of the Disciplinary Committee they subjugated a number of miscreant students and rival gangs. As their influence spread we kept tabs on them by reading the color supplements. He picked one up, probably as his first joke ever, and pointed to it. Most people felt they were tyrants.
What did you think?
…Whatever. They were assholes but they did their jobs well. I don't care how they had to do it.
One small-time operator who fell foul of Seifer Almasy was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.
The camera cuts to a man, obviously stoned, sitting inside a dormitory.Well one day I was in my dorm threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this giant walk up, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Seifer wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Seifer's place and Seifer's there in the conversation pit with Fujin and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Seifer says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and tores me liver out and I tell him 'my name's not Clement' and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor. Vince seems so hallucinatory that none of the gang believes his story, until Raijin laughed aloud. "Ya remember that Boss?" A glare silenced him.
He nailed your head to the floor?
At first, yeah.
Vince, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him again?
Yeah...after that I used to go round his office every Sunday lunchtime to apologize and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floor.
Every Sunday?
Yeah but he was very reasonable about it. Once, one Sunday, when my parents were coming round for tea I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.
Clearly Seifer inspired tremendous fear among his associates. But what was he really like? His instructor at Garden, Quistis Trepe.
Well, I grew up with Seifer. He was always strong willed and argumentative, full of grand ideals and fantasies about his future. In Garden he seemed to be problematic. He was an enigma really; his work was the finest I'd ever received, when he turned it in. He bullied people and yet protected the oppressed. He inspired fear and often many other greater things. He was brimming with confidence and yet expected failure. No one really knows what he is really like I expect.
Another person that knew Seifer was Selphie Tilmitt. Selphie how do you feel about Mr. Almasy?
Well, slowly if I had the chance. I mean, I'd like to savor his long, graceful, muscular body and… On screen she looked away dreamily. Off screen she flashed a fiery crimson.
I don't think you quite understood the gist of my question. Let's try this again: What are your thoughts about Seifer?
Well, are any kids going to see this? I mean, most of the thoughts you're asking about aren't that chaste and…
Lets uh, leave that line of questioning for now. Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs together?
Well it's better than bottling it up isn't it. He was a gentleman, Seifer, and what's more he knew how to treat a lady. Rinoa told me that. Most of the gang glanced about the room because of the past two segments. Selphie and Rinoa slouching into the couch with embarrassment. "They told me they wouldn't air that part!" Selphie whined.
But what do criminologists think? We asked The Amazing Kargol and Janet:
It is easy for us to judge the 'Posse' and Seifer too harshly. After all he only did what many of us simply dream of doing... I'm sorry. After all we should remember that a murder is only an extroverted suicide. He looks about strangely in his thick glasses. He was a looney under control of another, but he was a happy looney. Lucky bastard.
One other man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.
I had been running a successful escort agency - high class, no really, high class girls - we didn't have any of *that* - that was right out. Anyway I decided to open a high class night club for the gentry at Garden with international cuisine and cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts - that was right out, I deny that completely -, and one evening in walks Fujin with a couple of big lads, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I had bought one of their soda machines and would I pay for it.
How much did they want?
They wanted three quarters of a million gil.
Why didn't you call security?
Well I had noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the lieutenant of security for the Garden. So a week later they called again and told me the check had bounced and said... I had to see... Seifer.
Seifer?
Seifer. He takes a drink of whiskey and a scar down his right cheek is evidenced. Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of Seifer. I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Seifer. Even Squall was frightened of Seifer.
What did he do?
He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. He was vicious.
This concludes our program on the history of the 'Posse.' Now you can lead yourself to your own conclusions about how they had come to take such pivotal roles in the most recent Sorceress War.
As soon as the show was over, Quistis nearly flew from her seat and out of the room, wondering what compelled her to stay sitting there for so long. "What got into her?" Irvine asked. Evidently no one had noticed her situation.
Seifer just shrugged nonchalantly and said goodbye.
Next chapter is the 'story titled' chapter where Seifer first reveals his verdict.
If you didn't understand what Selphie was talking about with Fujin, it's because you aren't supposed to. I feel that if you supply just enough information the amount that the reader invents makes things much more funny and detailed. About half of this one was adapted from 'Ethel the Frog', but there is quite a bit of original content. Just don't give me too much credit, ok? Valete.