Hello to you all lovely people. After watching "The Emperor's New Groove" too many times and drinking too much iced-tea I came up with this. It isn't much, I presume, but my abysmal vocabulary would allow for naught else.
Disclaimer
I do NOT own any of the characters, except for future ones, which I will mention in the upcoming chapters. I do NOT own Foaly, although I wish I did, nor any other characters that have been created by Eoin Colfer. That homosapian is a rather intelligent individual.
Date: Undisclosed
Time: 4:00 PM
I, Artemis Fowl the Third, am confused. This may not be a great surprise to a good many people that have not met me or heard of me. I am supposed to know everything. That is, of course, ridiculous, as no-one, not even I, can know everything, but I am quite rarely confused for long periods of time.
Let me explain. Since my father has been back, with his new 'out-look on life' which rather sounds something like an annoying infomercial, my mother has smiled much more than regular. The most unnerving situations have occurred in which I have gone to ask my father a question and he is in the act of kissing my mother. A regular teenager's expression would be something along the lines of 'yuck'.
I accept it, unwillingly, I admit, but my mother has also put on a fair amount of weight. Even while she was bedridden and had been eating large amounts, she had not gained more than two pounds. She has, however, gained more than ten pounds in the last two weeks, and they, the pounds I mean, are not going away.
My mother's mid-section has also grown in size, more than usual, though I know for a fact that poor nutrition has nothing to do with it. I have my suspicions, but for now, Butler merely looks at me strangely and Juliet smiles whenever she waits on my mother.
This had not entered Artemis's mind for quite some time, until he overheard his mother tell his father that she was going for a sonogram. Artemis had let the thought enter his head once, but just barely, as such things were distinctly improbable, but even when he had deduced correctly the full force of what was going to happen had not yet hit him full force.
The worst part was yet to come, however, as poor Artemis, as of yet distracted from finding the purpose of the mirrored contact lenses in his eyes, found that even just a baby wasn't quite as bad as this.
Artemis was going to have a sister.
Artemis shook his head, unusually pale, even for him, making him look somewhat grey/blue. A rather unpleasant combination, especially tied with the fact that he had on an all black suit.
He was, in fact, mourning for his lost independence, in his own ironic sort of way. He would have to look after this...thing, and feed it, and he, Artemis Fowl the Third, would have to love this...dare he say it...baby.
Artemis had been sitting in that waiting room for the past four hours and had not been able to think of a single helpful thing to get him out of his present situation. At last, something occurred to him that had not before, which is rather a strange thing to say, but I digress; Butler would know what it was like.
Yes. Butler would know. Six months of wracking his brain since he first knew, and the thought had not occurred to him, not even flitted across the great expanse of his prodigious mind. Butler had a little sister, Juliet, of course, she wasn't so little any more, but she was his younger sister. And, Artemis concluded, she had once been little, so, of course Butler would know. Artemis was, however, still skeptical as to whether Juliet had EVER been little, but the thought of Butler knowing something this helpful was very comforting.
Artemis looked carefully at his bodyguard across the room before finally picking himself up out of his chair to sit next to his first friend.
"Butler..." Artemis started, before he realized that he didn't really know what to say. With that startling realization, however, came more words.
"Butler?"
"Yes, Artemis?"
"What is it like?"
"What's what like?"
Artemis wished his could just disappear and never have to witness himself, dare he say it, asking for advice.
"Having a younger sister, what is it like?"
Butler just smiled and turned to face Artemis, one of the best friends that he had ever had. "It's like having a best friend. They're awfully annoying at first, I'll admit that, but they're OK later on, when they get older they're very interesting. They can be just like you in almost every way possible, and then there will also be something that's completely different."
Artemis looked pensive. "Juliet and you are both bodyguards, you both went to the same school, and you both loved your teacher. But, she likes professional wrestling and you think it's ridiculous."
"Exactly, things like that. Just like you...but, also just un-like you. But there's something else that you will always do until she gets married, if she does."
"And what might that be, Butler?"
"You are going to ruthlessly interrogate every boy that comes calling, thinking that they're all out to get her." Butler's eyes twinkled and his smile widened.
There was absolute silence from Artemis and Butler just kept on smiling. Then, another thought occurred to Artemis, he rubbed his temples. What a day.
"Say, Butler, Juliet will be taking care of my sister, won't she?" Artemis looked up at Butler again, curiosity etched into every line on his face...although, being nearly fifteen that wasn't many lines.
"Yes Artemis. Butlers and Fowls...I'm glad, really, I didn't want her to work for anyone else."
Artemis nodded. "Me either." Artemis raised an eyebrow at Butler. "Will I love her, Butler?"
Butler didn't get a chance to answer, as the nurse that had just walked in rudely interrupted.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but you can come see your sister now."
She was smiling ridiculously but Artemis went pale and didn't answer a single question asked of by the nurse as they walked to his mother's hospital room.
How could she think about anything at a time like this?
Artemis opened the door and walked in as slowly as he dared, but still managed to shut the door in the nurse's face. He walked over to the bed where his mother lay, nursing the new baby, and carefully analyzed the new being that was invading on his territory.
It was a red, ugly, wrinkled little thing; its blue eyes were much too dark, and it was balder than Butler, except for almost imperceptible strawberry-blond fuzz on the top of its head.
Unsatisfactory, as far as babies went, but then, he never was very fond of them anyway. At least this one looked harmless enough, and his territory was far from being threatened. Juliet was grinning like an idiot, but even with this annoying distraction Artemis even consented to hold the baby.
Artemis was wrong, though, very wrong. His territory wasn't threatened. It was gone.
Date: Undisclosed
Time: 3:00 AM
That THING has persisted in crying, quite loudly, in fact, especially for its size. I would have congratulated it by now, had it been able to speak, but the thing I find most annoying is that its pattern of discomfort seems to be at its peak during the hours when I am supposed to be sleeping. I would take an hour or so to try and explain this phenomenon, but my eyelids are less than two centimeters from closing on their own, and I cannot open them any wider.
I suppose I might be able to sleep once The Thing has deduced that waking everyone in the house at all hours is not the best way to start out diplomacy. I mentioned this to my mother, but she merely blinked, face completely blank. I THEN tried to tell Juliet but she just smiled tiredly.
Everyone is happy in this house except for me. I'm not sure as to whether that is something I should admit to or not, as it is incredibly adolescent of me, and I cannot allow The Thing to win. I might be loosing this particular battle, however, as it seems that I could drop an atomic bomb on the front stoop and nobody would notice the bang.
I do believe that this could be the most opportune time for me to initiate a plan or two, while my parents are sufficiently occupied. I would, however, first have to receive much-needed sleep. I think I shall check into a hotel in Dublin for a few days and catch up on my lost sleep.