Iron Chef Dobby
By DrDementor
Chairman Kaga, head of the Gourmet Academy, strode to the pedestal at the front of Kitchen Stadium, his multicolored robes swirling around him. His bulbous hairdo was black as bedrock. He had never heard of Petrificus Totalus but if he'd used it on his hair the effect would have been the same. He stood there a moment surveying the vast double kitchens before him and the audience seated around them. It was time to begin another contest between one of his handpicked Iron Chefs (men of invincible culinary skills) and a renowned challenger. What inspiration would the challenger bring, and how would the Iron Chef fight back? The heat would be on!
"If memory serves me right, "he began, "there is a school in England for exceptionally gifted young people. Hogwarts is a massive and beautiful place where children go to learn to use their gifts for the betterment of themselves and humanity. Its dormitories house hundreds of students and its meal hall is vast. As you can imagine, feeding so many students and faculty is no small task. Our challenger today has risen to that task. As head of the Hogwarts kitchen he is responsible for providing meals that are not only nourishing to the body but the mind as well. His ability to invent dishes that are imaginative, tasty and a delight to behold is extraordinary. Some might even call it…magic. Let us bring forth the challenger! From the kitchen of the great Hogwarts…Dobby!"
The audience applauded as the curtains at the rear of Kitchen Stadium opened. As the entrance music blared people craned their necks to catch a glimpse of this brave and skillful chef who had come all the way from England to do battle. Surely any man sturdy enough to oversee the cooking for hundreds would be an impressive sight. Any man whose creativity fed the minds of students knew how to make an entrance. Any man who…
Dobby tripped over his purple raincoat sending his stack of assorted hats flying. The audience gasped as his long ears popped free and he pulled himself to his feet. Piling the hats back on his head Dobby walked over to greet Chairman Kaga.
"Thank you for coming such a long way, Dobby. I hope you had a nice flight?"
"Flight, Chairman Kaga, sir? Dobby didn't fly, sir, Dobby appar- no! Dobby cannot say! Bad, Dobby, bad!" Dobby began whacking his head with a tureen.
"Ah, well, that's…okay". Chairman Kaga snatched away the tureen and replaced it on the counter. "What matters is you're here. Are you prepared to challenge one of my Iron Chefs?"
"Oh, yes, Chairman Kaga, sir! Dobby is ready!"
"Very well. I summon the Iron Chefs!"
Music blared as three men ascended to the platform behind the chairman. Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kinichi. Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai. Iron Chef Japanese Roksaburo Michiba. A fourth Iron Chef, Italian chef Masahiko Kobe, was introduced but remained backstage since no one ever picked him.
"Well, Dobby, " the Chairman began, "which Iron Chef will you face?"
Dobby glanced over all three Iron Chefs who looked back at him impassively. He took a deep breath, then shouted "Sakai!"
"Bang a gong, we are on! Welcome to the Salmon Battle between Iron Chef Sakai and Dobby from Hogwarts! I'm Kenji Fukui here with commentator Dr. Yukio Hattori and roving reporter Shinichiro Ohta. What a battle this promises to be Doc!"
"Yes, its always fun to see Sakai in action and the challenger is certainly eccentric."
"You mean the stack of knit caps on his head and purple raincoat?"
"Yes, and –"
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"I asked the challenger about his attire and he told me the caps were a gift from the young lady in the front row."
"Thank you, Ohta. Ah, Doc, I see some of Dobby's friends from England are in our audience today."
"Yes, I believe they're students at the school."
"My, that boy with the glasses certainly has an unusual scar on his forehead. Almost looks like a bolt of lightning."
"Yes it sure does."
"And there's the girl who gave the challenger his hats, holding hands with that red haired boy."
"Ack, I'm blind! Just kidding. Don't often see hair that red in Japan. They certainly look happy though."
"Ah, isn't love grand, Doc?"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta!"
"Yes, love is grand! Also, the Iron Chef is preparing some tofu."
"Thank you, Ohta. Now Doc, it appears that the challenger is preparing some kind of fish fillet. He seems to be removing the bones with some kind of knife."
"Yes, it's called a boning knife."
"Thanks Doc, what would I do without you?"
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"Without the Doc you'd be talking to yourself! Also the Iron Chef is adding marmalade to his fish fillets."
"Marmalade? How unusual Doc!"
"Yes, this is a technique known as marmalading the fish. The Latin term is Aquatus Marmaladus."
"Amazing! Well, there's the timekeeper's announcement that 15 minutes have gone by!"
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"The challenger is preparing a meat mixture. He's using some of the ingredients he brought from Hogwarts."
"Thank you, Ohta. We should tell our viewers that the challenger was allowed to bring some special ingredients from Hogwarts. Of course, the Iron Chef is allowed to use them as well. Now, Doc, it looks like one of Dobby's helpers is laying out some gyoza skins. Perhaps some kind of potsticker dumpling?"
"Yes, almost certainly potstickers. And don't call me dumpling."
"Well it appears the challenger is moving extremely fast. That's especially amazing because he's having to stand on footstools to reach the countertop."
"Yes, it must be very difficult having to constantly jump on and off stools while cooking. Presumably the kitchen at Hogwarts has much lower counters."
"It looks like Sakai is making some pastry shells from scratch."
"Yes, probably some kind of tart."
"Salmon tarts! How unusual!"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta."
"I asked Dobby what he thought about one of our judges being Lower House member Shinichiro Kurimoto. He said he doesn't care what house he's in. Dobby feeds everyone, even Slytherins."
"Okay…thanks, Ohta. It seems the Iron Chef is using a knife to cut the large salmon fillets in half and putting the pairs in a large pan. What's kind of knife is that, Doc?"
"I believe it's called a paring knife."
"He'll be here all week folks. Now, it looks like the challenger is melting some chocolate in a pot. My goodness – I think I saw something jump out of the pot!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I could have sworn I saw something small and brown hop out!"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta."
"That's chocolate the challenger brought with him today. He's also brought some chocolate truffles and some jelly beans. So far, the Iron Chef hasn't bothered to use any of them."
"Thanks, Ohta. Well, I'm sure Sakai doesn't want to mess with any unfamiliar ingredients. Ah, there's the announcement that thirty minutes have gone by. We're halfway through, Doc!"
"Yes. Time sure does fly, even if the challenger does not."
"The competitors' dishes seem to be taking shape, Doc. It looks like they're preparing three each."
"Hmm, that's an unusually low number of dishes. Apparently they've decided to focus on quality over quantity."
"Dobby's friends seem to be enjoying the show. Well, at least the boy with glasses who's actually watching. The other two seem to be more interested in each other."
"Well, in a way that's appropriate for tonight's battle. In fact, it reminds me of a song."
"Which one?"
"Salmon Chanted Evening."
"Oh, no…"
"Salmon chanted evening, when you find your true love…"
"Ohta! Now's a good time for an update"
"When you feel her call to you, across a crowded room…"
"Ohta! It looks like Sakai's making some kind of dessert! Tell us about it!"
"Then fly to her side, and make her your own…"
"Jump in now, Ohta, or you'll be reporting from the unemployment line!"
"Fukui san!"
"Thank God."
"Iron Chef Sakai is preparing two sauces: one for the tofu dish and another for the salmon fillets. He is also mixing up some kind of filling for the tarts."
"Thank you, Ohta. Doc, I can't believe you're obsessing over two teenagers love lives when there's a war going on!"
"Me! Listen, Mr. Isn't-Love-Grand, you started-"
"Never mind that now. Ah, there's the announcement that forty five minutes have elapsed! Fifteen to go, Doc!"
"The pressure is really on now. The chefs need to finish up cooking and start focusing on presentation."
"Ah, well, you certainly would know. I'm sure you've seen a lot of fish prepared at the Gourmet Academy."
"Of course. It is, after all, a school."
"Doc, I swear, one more and I'll-."
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"Challenger Dobby appears to be finishing up his three dishes. It seems he'll be serving potstickers, some kind of blackened fillet, and a pastry dessert."
"That certainly sounds interesting. Doc, what about – oh no! What was that crash?"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta!"
"Challenger Dobby accidentally knocked over a tray of pastries! They're scattered all over the floor!"
"Oh my! That's terrible! What's he doing now?"
"He appears to be berating himself and banging his head on the floor!"
"What? In the final minutes of the contest?"
"His assistants are trying to get him up. Oops, now Dobby is banging their heads on the floor too."
"Wow, that's gotta hurt. How – oh my! Dobby just stood up for moment and then flung himself into the shelves holding some ingredients! Food went flying everywhere! I think some of it landed near the Iron Chef!"
"Yes, Fukui san! Iron Chef Sakai is trying to clean up his kitchen area so he can work without stepping in something. Oh – it looks like he pulled something out of his hair. I think it's a jelly bean. Eeew, he ate it. What's that? He says it tastes like a caramel apple."
"Can't say I would eat anything I pulled out of my hair. But at least it doesn't appear that any landed on Sakai's dishes, right Doc?"
"Well, I don't see any on the plates. Hopefully none landed in the sauces or dessert mixture. I'm sure Sakai will check to make sure."
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"Iron Chef Sakai looks like he saw a ghost! He says he reached to grab a hunk of chocolate that had landed on his counter but before he could it hopped away!"
"I knew it! I knew there was something weird about that chocolate! How is Sakai doing now?"
"He doesn't look well. He's sitting on a stool fanning himself. I don't think I've ever seen him so unnerved."
"Well, it looks like Dobby has pulled himself back together and is trying to make a new batch of pastries. Do you think he has enough time, Doc?"
"I think so. They didn't look extraordinarily hard to make the first time. It seems like he's made a lot of progress already."
"The Iron Chef is still sitting down. No, wait! He's getting back up! He's walking over to his dishes!"
"Sakai truly has an iron will."
"He's starting to arrange the food onto plates! He's moving things around for best aesthetic impact! He's ladling out sauces! What kind of ladle is that, Doc?'
"It's The Little Old Ladle From –"
"Enough! Look at the clock! Time is almost up! Both chefs are scrambling to finish in time! Sakai is putting the tart filling into the crusts! Dobby is adding chocolate truffles to the pastries! It looks like they're going to make it! Five seconds…four…three…two… one! That's it! Time has expired. The Salmon Battle is over! Wow, Doc, what a finish!"
"Yes, it was quite dramatic."
"Well, let's get to the tasting and judgment. Our three judges today are culinary critic Asako Kishi, Lower House member Shinichiro Kurimoto, and professional wrestler Grob the Giant. As is customary we start with the dishes of the challenger. First up is a gyoza dish, Harry Potstickers!"
"My, my, this is quite good. I've tasted hundreds of gyoza recipes throughout Japan and this ranks among the very best."
"I agree. Working salmon into this dish required you to be brave, creative, and unafraid to tackle a tough situation. You remind me of myself."
"GROB LIKE!"
"Next up is the main dish. Serious Blackened Salmon."
"Ah, this is also quite good. Many blackened fish dishes turn out burnt or tasteless. This is neither. Really, it's quite good."
"As someone who has faced the blackened heart of corruption in our government and triumphed, I must say I admire anyone who can likewise triumph over such a tricky dish. This is very good."
"GROB LIKE!"
"Finally, the challenger's dessert dish. A light and airy creation melding chocolate and salmon. Truffle Puffs!"
"Delicious! In all my years of culinary critique I've never tasted anything like it! Chocolate and salmon! Who ever would have guessed?"
"I would have. Seeing possibilities others cannot is one of my many gifts. I knew this would be excellent."
"GROB LIKE VERY MUCH!"
"Well, that's all for chef Dobby. While the judges mark their scorecards the dishes of Iron Chef Sakai are being brought out. So, Doc, do you think the challenger has a shot here?"
"Yes, definitely. The judges seemed to like all three dishes. But Sakai is a master of subtlety and blending flavors. I'm sure his dishes will be outstanding as well."
"We're about to find out, Doc. The Iron Chef is serving his first dish, Salmon Tofu. The saltiness of soy sauce and the fragrance of tarragon help bring out the rich flavor of salmon."
"Uhhhh! What on earth…this is terrible! It tastes like…like…"
"Monkey sweat! And it smells like…like"
"Unwashed underwear! In all my years of reviews I've never…"
"GROB HATE THIS! GROB FEELS TONGUE TRYING TO CRAWL OUT MOUTH!"
"Now, on to the Iron Chef's second dish, Salmon A L'Orange. Broiled salmon covered in a slightly minty orange sauce. The orange helps to balance the strong flavor of salmon."
"Well, this certainly looks very nice. The orange sauce compliments the pink salmon very well. And the flavor is – Ugup! Hurrgg! Bleeeh! Dear Lord, this tastes like…vomit!"
"You dare to serve a member of parliament vomit flavored fish!"
"GROB HATE VOMIT! GROB STOMACH TRYING TO ESCAPE BODY!"
"Finally, Iron Chef Sakai's dessert, Salmon Tarts. Bite sized tarts of salmon, pecans, and nutmeg. A joyous blend of flavors in a honey enriched crust."
"If I was not a longtime taster on this show I'm not sure I would still trust you Sakai, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Mmmm, this is quite good. The salmon and the nutmeg go - Eeeeeg! Aaaaaag! Water! Must…have…water! Mouth…on…fire! This..has…"
"Habaneros! My mouth…my eyes…my life…flashing…"
"GROB DYING! GROB FEELS LIKE HE BIT WRONG END OF BLAST ENDED SKREWT!"
"In…all…my…years…of…tasting…"
"Call…foreign…ministry. Banish…Sakai…to…Greenland."
"GROB HATE THIS! GROB HATE YOU! GROB SMASH SAKAI INTO BITS! AAARRRG!"
"Well, Doc, that was certainly the most violent end to a cooking contest I've ever seen."
"Yes, I don't recall a judge ever chasing an Iron Chef out of the stadium before."
"Well, I'm sure you'd remember if one had. Now let's go to Chairman Kaga for the results."
"This has been, by far, the most unusual contest ever seen in Kitchen Stadium. Both Dobby and Sakai used great creativity in preparing their dishes. However, only one can be declared the victor. Though we are missing both Iron Chef Sakai and one of our judges I shall now announce the winner…Dobby!"
"He's done it! The challenger from Hogwarts has defeated Iron Chef Sakai! What an upset, Doc!"
"Yes, it is a bit surprising that a relatively unknown chef could come in here and defeat an Iron Chef!"
"Here are the scores: Kishi 20 to 5 for Dobby. Kurimoto 20 to 3 for Dobby. We don't have Grob's completed scorecard but I think we can assume that anyone chasing the Iron Chef through downtown Tokyo didn't vote for him! Just amazing!"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta!"
"I'm here with the victor, Dobby. Tell me, Dobby, how does it feel to have emerged as the winner?"
"Dobby very happy! Dobby has always wanted to be on Iron Chef! Dobby only wishes Iron Chef Sakai were here and not fleeing Grob the Giant."
"Yes, well, he could use the exercise. Thank you for coming, Dobby, and congratulations! Back to you, Fukui san!"
"Thanks, Ohta! Any final thoughts, Doc?"
"It's always fascinating watching these European chefs compete in such a pressure filled environment. They come up with the most incredible dishes. Also, Chairman Kaga wanted me to pass along that anyone interested in being the new Iron Chef French should apply at the Gourmet Academy."
"Thanks, Doc. Oddly enough, next week's challenger is also from Europe. Tune in next time to see the Chef-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Good night, everyone!"
The End
By DrDementor
Chairman Kaga, head of the Gourmet Academy, strode to the pedestal at the front of Kitchen Stadium, his multicolored robes swirling around him. His bulbous hairdo was black as bedrock. He had never heard of Petrificus Totalus but if he'd used it on his hair the effect would have been the same. He stood there a moment surveying the vast double kitchens before him and the audience seated around them. It was time to begin another contest between one of his handpicked Iron Chefs (men of invincible culinary skills) and a renowned challenger. What inspiration would the challenger bring, and how would the Iron Chef fight back? The heat would be on!
"If memory serves me right, "he began, "there is a school in England for exceptionally gifted young people. Hogwarts is a massive and beautiful place where children go to learn to use their gifts for the betterment of themselves and humanity. Its dormitories house hundreds of students and its meal hall is vast. As you can imagine, feeding so many students and faculty is no small task. Our challenger today has risen to that task. As head of the Hogwarts kitchen he is responsible for providing meals that are not only nourishing to the body but the mind as well. His ability to invent dishes that are imaginative, tasty and a delight to behold is extraordinary. Some might even call it…magic. Let us bring forth the challenger! From the kitchen of the great Hogwarts…Dobby!"
The audience applauded as the curtains at the rear of Kitchen Stadium opened. As the entrance music blared people craned their necks to catch a glimpse of this brave and skillful chef who had come all the way from England to do battle. Surely any man sturdy enough to oversee the cooking for hundreds would be an impressive sight. Any man whose creativity fed the minds of students knew how to make an entrance. Any man who…
Dobby tripped over his purple raincoat sending his stack of assorted hats flying. The audience gasped as his long ears popped free and he pulled himself to his feet. Piling the hats back on his head Dobby walked over to greet Chairman Kaga.
"Thank you for coming such a long way, Dobby. I hope you had a nice flight?"
"Flight, Chairman Kaga, sir? Dobby didn't fly, sir, Dobby appar- no! Dobby cannot say! Bad, Dobby, bad!" Dobby began whacking his head with a tureen.
"Ah, well, that's…okay". Chairman Kaga snatched away the tureen and replaced it on the counter. "What matters is you're here. Are you prepared to challenge one of my Iron Chefs?"
"Oh, yes, Chairman Kaga, sir! Dobby is ready!"
"Very well. I summon the Iron Chefs!"
Music blared as three men ascended to the platform behind the chairman. Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kinichi. Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai. Iron Chef Japanese Roksaburo Michiba. A fourth Iron Chef, Italian chef Masahiko Kobe, was introduced but remained backstage since no one ever picked him.
"Well, Dobby, " the Chairman began, "which Iron Chef will you face?"
Dobby glanced over all three Iron Chefs who looked back at him impassively. He took a deep breath, then shouted "Sakai!"
"Bang a gong, we are on! Welcome to the Salmon Battle between Iron Chef Sakai and Dobby from Hogwarts! I'm Kenji Fukui here with commentator Dr. Yukio Hattori and roving reporter Shinichiro Ohta. What a battle this promises to be Doc!"
"Yes, its always fun to see Sakai in action and the challenger is certainly eccentric."
"You mean the stack of knit caps on his head and purple raincoat?"
"Yes, and –"
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"I asked the challenger about his attire and he told me the caps were a gift from the young lady in the front row."
"Thank you, Ohta. Ah, Doc, I see some of Dobby's friends from England are in our audience today."
"Yes, I believe they're students at the school."
"My, that boy with the glasses certainly has an unusual scar on his forehead. Almost looks like a bolt of lightning."
"Yes it sure does."
"And there's the girl who gave the challenger his hats, holding hands with that red haired boy."
"Ack, I'm blind! Just kidding. Don't often see hair that red in Japan. They certainly look happy though."
"Ah, isn't love grand, Doc?"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta!"
"Yes, love is grand! Also, the Iron Chef is preparing some tofu."
"Thank you, Ohta. Now Doc, it appears that the challenger is preparing some kind of fish fillet. He seems to be removing the bones with some kind of knife."
"Yes, it's called a boning knife."
"Thanks Doc, what would I do without you?"
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"Without the Doc you'd be talking to yourself! Also the Iron Chef is adding marmalade to his fish fillets."
"Marmalade? How unusual Doc!"
"Yes, this is a technique known as marmalading the fish. The Latin term is Aquatus Marmaladus."
"Amazing! Well, there's the timekeeper's announcement that 15 minutes have gone by!"
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"The challenger is preparing a meat mixture. He's using some of the ingredients he brought from Hogwarts."
"Thank you, Ohta. We should tell our viewers that the challenger was allowed to bring some special ingredients from Hogwarts. Of course, the Iron Chef is allowed to use them as well. Now, Doc, it looks like one of Dobby's helpers is laying out some gyoza skins. Perhaps some kind of potsticker dumpling?"
"Yes, almost certainly potstickers. And don't call me dumpling."
"Well it appears the challenger is moving extremely fast. That's especially amazing because he's having to stand on footstools to reach the countertop."
"Yes, it must be very difficult having to constantly jump on and off stools while cooking. Presumably the kitchen at Hogwarts has much lower counters."
"It looks like Sakai is making some pastry shells from scratch."
"Yes, probably some kind of tart."
"Salmon tarts! How unusual!"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta."
"I asked Dobby what he thought about one of our judges being Lower House member Shinichiro Kurimoto. He said he doesn't care what house he's in. Dobby feeds everyone, even Slytherins."
"Okay…thanks, Ohta. It seems the Iron Chef is using a knife to cut the large salmon fillets in half and putting the pairs in a large pan. What's kind of knife is that, Doc?"
"I believe it's called a paring knife."
"He'll be here all week folks. Now, it looks like the challenger is melting some chocolate in a pot. My goodness – I think I saw something jump out of the pot!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I could have sworn I saw something small and brown hop out!"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta."
"That's chocolate the challenger brought with him today. He's also brought some chocolate truffles and some jelly beans. So far, the Iron Chef hasn't bothered to use any of them."
"Thanks, Ohta. Well, I'm sure Sakai doesn't want to mess with any unfamiliar ingredients. Ah, there's the announcement that thirty minutes have gone by. We're halfway through, Doc!"
"Yes. Time sure does fly, even if the challenger does not."
"The competitors' dishes seem to be taking shape, Doc. It looks like they're preparing three each."
"Hmm, that's an unusually low number of dishes. Apparently they've decided to focus on quality over quantity."
"Dobby's friends seem to be enjoying the show. Well, at least the boy with glasses who's actually watching. The other two seem to be more interested in each other."
"Well, in a way that's appropriate for tonight's battle. In fact, it reminds me of a song."
"Which one?"
"Salmon Chanted Evening."
"Oh, no…"
"Salmon chanted evening, when you find your true love…"
"Ohta! Now's a good time for an update"
"When you feel her call to you, across a crowded room…"
"Ohta! It looks like Sakai's making some kind of dessert! Tell us about it!"
"Then fly to her side, and make her your own…"
"Jump in now, Ohta, or you'll be reporting from the unemployment line!"
"Fukui san!"
"Thank God."
"Iron Chef Sakai is preparing two sauces: one for the tofu dish and another for the salmon fillets. He is also mixing up some kind of filling for the tarts."
"Thank you, Ohta. Doc, I can't believe you're obsessing over two teenagers love lives when there's a war going on!"
"Me! Listen, Mr. Isn't-Love-Grand, you started-"
"Never mind that now. Ah, there's the announcement that forty five minutes have elapsed! Fifteen to go, Doc!"
"The pressure is really on now. The chefs need to finish up cooking and start focusing on presentation."
"Ah, well, you certainly would know. I'm sure you've seen a lot of fish prepared at the Gourmet Academy."
"Of course. It is, after all, a school."
"Doc, I swear, one more and I'll-."
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"Challenger Dobby appears to be finishing up his three dishes. It seems he'll be serving potstickers, some kind of blackened fillet, and a pastry dessert."
"That certainly sounds interesting. Doc, what about – oh no! What was that crash?"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta!"
"Challenger Dobby accidentally knocked over a tray of pastries! They're scattered all over the floor!"
"Oh my! That's terrible! What's he doing now?"
"He appears to be berating himself and banging his head on the floor!"
"What? In the final minutes of the contest?"
"His assistants are trying to get him up. Oops, now Dobby is banging their heads on the floor too."
"Wow, that's gotta hurt. How – oh my! Dobby just stood up for moment and then flung himself into the shelves holding some ingredients! Food went flying everywhere! I think some of it landed near the Iron Chef!"
"Yes, Fukui san! Iron Chef Sakai is trying to clean up his kitchen area so he can work without stepping in something. Oh – it looks like he pulled something out of his hair. I think it's a jelly bean. Eeew, he ate it. What's that? He says it tastes like a caramel apple."
"Can't say I would eat anything I pulled out of my hair. But at least it doesn't appear that any landed on Sakai's dishes, right Doc?"
"Well, I don't see any on the plates. Hopefully none landed in the sauces or dessert mixture. I'm sure Sakai will check to make sure."
"Fukui san!"
"Yes, Ohta?"
"Iron Chef Sakai looks like he saw a ghost! He says he reached to grab a hunk of chocolate that had landed on his counter but before he could it hopped away!"
"I knew it! I knew there was something weird about that chocolate! How is Sakai doing now?"
"He doesn't look well. He's sitting on a stool fanning himself. I don't think I've ever seen him so unnerved."
"Well, it looks like Dobby has pulled himself back together and is trying to make a new batch of pastries. Do you think he has enough time, Doc?"
"I think so. They didn't look extraordinarily hard to make the first time. It seems like he's made a lot of progress already."
"The Iron Chef is still sitting down. No, wait! He's getting back up! He's walking over to his dishes!"
"Sakai truly has an iron will."
"He's starting to arrange the food onto plates! He's moving things around for best aesthetic impact! He's ladling out sauces! What kind of ladle is that, Doc?'
"It's The Little Old Ladle From –"
"Enough! Look at the clock! Time is almost up! Both chefs are scrambling to finish in time! Sakai is putting the tart filling into the crusts! Dobby is adding chocolate truffles to the pastries! It looks like they're going to make it! Five seconds…four…three…two… one! That's it! Time has expired. The Salmon Battle is over! Wow, Doc, what a finish!"
"Yes, it was quite dramatic."
"Well, let's get to the tasting and judgment. Our three judges today are culinary critic Asako Kishi, Lower House member Shinichiro Kurimoto, and professional wrestler Grob the Giant. As is customary we start with the dishes of the challenger. First up is a gyoza dish, Harry Potstickers!"
"My, my, this is quite good. I've tasted hundreds of gyoza recipes throughout Japan and this ranks among the very best."
"I agree. Working salmon into this dish required you to be brave, creative, and unafraid to tackle a tough situation. You remind me of myself."
"GROB LIKE!"
"Next up is the main dish. Serious Blackened Salmon."
"Ah, this is also quite good. Many blackened fish dishes turn out burnt or tasteless. This is neither. Really, it's quite good."
"As someone who has faced the blackened heart of corruption in our government and triumphed, I must say I admire anyone who can likewise triumph over such a tricky dish. This is very good."
"GROB LIKE!"
"Finally, the challenger's dessert dish. A light and airy creation melding chocolate and salmon. Truffle Puffs!"
"Delicious! In all my years of culinary critique I've never tasted anything like it! Chocolate and salmon! Who ever would have guessed?"
"I would have. Seeing possibilities others cannot is one of my many gifts. I knew this would be excellent."
"GROB LIKE VERY MUCH!"
"Well, that's all for chef Dobby. While the judges mark their scorecards the dishes of Iron Chef Sakai are being brought out. So, Doc, do you think the challenger has a shot here?"
"Yes, definitely. The judges seemed to like all three dishes. But Sakai is a master of subtlety and blending flavors. I'm sure his dishes will be outstanding as well."
"We're about to find out, Doc. The Iron Chef is serving his first dish, Salmon Tofu. The saltiness of soy sauce and the fragrance of tarragon help bring out the rich flavor of salmon."
"Uhhhh! What on earth…this is terrible! It tastes like…like…"
"Monkey sweat! And it smells like…like"
"Unwashed underwear! In all my years of reviews I've never…"
"GROB HATE THIS! GROB FEELS TONGUE TRYING TO CRAWL OUT MOUTH!"
"Now, on to the Iron Chef's second dish, Salmon A L'Orange. Broiled salmon covered in a slightly minty orange sauce. The orange helps to balance the strong flavor of salmon."
"Well, this certainly looks very nice. The orange sauce compliments the pink salmon very well. And the flavor is – Ugup! Hurrgg! Bleeeh! Dear Lord, this tastes like…vomit!"
"You dare to serve a member of parliament vomit flavored fish!"
"GROB HATE VOMIT! GROB STOMACH TRYING TO ESCAPE BODY!"
"Finally, Iron Chef Sakai's dessert, Salmon Tarts. Bite sized tarts of salmon, pecans, and nutmeg. A joyous blend of flavors in a honey enriched crust."
"If I was not a longtime taster on this show I'm not sure I would still trust you Sakai, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Mmmm, this is quite good. The salmon and the nutmeg go - Eeeeeg! Aaaaaag! Water! Must…have…water! Mouth…on…fire! This..has…"
"Habaneros! My mouth…my eyes…my life…flashing…"
"GROB DYING! GROB FEELS LIKE HE BIT WRONG END OF BLAST ENDED SKREWT!"
"In…all…my…years…of…tasting…"
"Call…foreign…ministry. Banish…Sakai…to…Greenland."
"GROB HATE THIS! GROB HATE YOU! GROB SMASH SAKAI INTO BITS! AAARRRG!"
"Well, Doc, that was certainly the most violent end to a cooking contest I've ever seen."
"Yes, I don't recall a judge ever chasing an Iron Chef out of the stadium before."
"Well, I'm sure you'd remember if one had. Now let's go to Chairman Kaga for the results."
"This has been, by far, the most unusual contest ever seen in Kitchen Stadium. Both Dobby and Sakai used great creativity in preparing their dishes. However, only one can be declared the victor. Though we are missing both Iron Chef Sakai and one of our judges I shall now announce the winner…Dobby!"
"He's done it! The challenger from Hogwarts has defeated Iron Chef Sakai! What an upset, Doc!"
"Yes, it is a bit surprising that a relatively unknown chef could come in here and defeat an Iron Chef!"
"Here are the scores: Kishi 20 to 5 for Dobby. Kurimoto 20 to 3 for Dobby. We don't have Grob's completed scorecard but I think we can assume that anyone chasing the Iron Chef through downtown Tokyo didn't vote for him! Just amazing!"
"Fukui san!"
"Go ahead, Ohta!"
"I'm here with the victor, Dobby. Tell me, Dobby, how does it feel to have emerged as the winner?"
"Dobby very happy! Dobby has always wanted to be on Iron Chef! Dobby only wishes Iron Chef Sakai were here and not fleeing Grob the Giant."
"Yes, well, he could use the exercise. Thank you for coming, Dobby, and congratulations! Back to you, Fukui san!"
"Thanks, Ohta! Any final thoughts, Doc?"
"It's always fascinating watching these European chefs compete in such a pressure filled environment. They come up with the most incredible dishes. Also, Chairman Kaga wanted me to pass along that anyone interested in being the new Iron Chef French should apply at the Gourmet Academy."
"Thanks, Doc. Oddly enough, next week's challenger is also from Europe. Tune in next time to see the Chef-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Good night, everyone!"
The End