Chapter One
"Dismembered Members"
Written by: kami and jackie
Disclaimer: we share a box, that's the only thing we own. Sad I know, but it's the truth. Oh, and some orange soda as well that we are currently gulping down as we type this document. It is our rum substitute. Only a few more years till we can drink it…legally. So so many little distractions…grr. Did you know that eating ice sounds like crushing bones to other people? Don't you love scaring little kids? Its fun. Anyways, on with the story
Chapter One:
Once upon a time in a minute seaside village named Mynewt there lived a fisherman who made a living by selling cod. He was a very poor, yet happy, old chap who raised his family on his own. There were five children in the family that consisted of two very beautiful daughters and three younger brothers. Their names were Kalista and Estella and they had a dog named Yoshimitsu, who was their only friend, besides one another.
One day, as the girls pulled their fish cart through the market, Yoshimitsu began howling for some unknown reason.
"God damn it, shut your trap Yoshi! You're attracting attention!" hissed Kalista.
"Wait a minute, why don't we want people to pay attention to us? If they notice us, we can attract men!" Estella giggled giddily. (A/N: Wow, that's a tongue twister!)
"What is he barking at anyway?" demanded Kalista.
"I dunno," her sister smiled, her eyes focused on a ship-like form emerging through the mist over the ocean.
Kalista rolled her eyes, "Insolent fool. What are you looking at?" she questioned peering across the water.
"Isn't that a fascinating ship?" Estella exclaimed, hypnotized by the unfamiliar vessel.
Yoshimitsu had even stopped barking to observe the wooden craft floating upon the crystal waters. He let out a small undeterminable whimper.
Their staring was cut short as a stout man waddled his merry way to the foul smelling cart and puckered up to Estella. "Aren't ye a fine lookin' young thang?"
Estella shrieked and scrunched her face in disgust as the man invaded her personal bubble. "Ewey! Get away! You fat old…slug!" She slapped him hard across the face and hid behind her sister.
"I'm terribly sorry sir! Please excuse my sister; she is not a sociable person. She's what one would call…special…" apologized Kalista, glaring at Estella.
"Well, ahem, I would like to buy some of your delightful smelling fish," said the man.
"Um…what was all the puckering for, may I ask?" Kalista inquired while raising her eyebrows inquisitively.
"Uh, how much are ye sellin' these fish fer?" the man asked, completely ignoring her question.
"For free if you leave us alone!" Estella blurted, earning herself a nice smack on the back of her head.
"You twat!" Kalista scolded.
The three of them were suddenly distracted as, out of the blue, Yoshimitsu took off in a dead sprint towards the sea and plunged into the water. He paddled out farther in the direction of the mysterious incoming ship. Leaving the clueless man behind, the girls darted down the road to the harbor instantly, skidding to a halt at the end of the dock. Estella looked into Kailsta's eyes, smiled, then leaped into the waters below. Kalista, worried about her sister who hadn't come up for a while now, dove into the water as well. She spotted her sister about fifty yards out, swimming for her life to rescue her dear Yoshimitsu. They both heard Yoshi yelp as he was pulled aboard the ship. Fearing the lives of her sister and dog, Kalista headed for the boat as quickly as possible. Estella, being rather close, stared blankly up at the ship as it nearly ran her over. At the last moment, she realized she was about to die so she scurried out of the way.
"Hey! I'm swimming here!" she ranted, shaking her fist at the ship. " Bloody fools…" she mumbled incoherently.
Someone leaned over the rail of the ship and laughed wickedly at her. Kalista was having her own problems, seeing as she was not the most capable of swimmers. "Can I puh-lease get some bloody help here?" Kalista screeched at the top of her lungs. None other than the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow himself glanced over the water and noticed the struggling maiden below him. Wasting no time, he did a graceful swan dive, which so happened to end up as a rather humorous belly flop into the blue oblivion surrounding his ship.
"Oooohhh…" the crew groaned in unison.
Wincing, Jack glided across the water with powerful strokes using his muscular arms. Just as he was about to reach Kalista, she slipped into unconsciousness and slowly drifted to the fathomless depths of the merciless ocean.
"Why does this always happen to me?" Jack muttered before gulping a breath of air and submerging his sexy body under the water to rescue said lass.
Meanwhile, aboard the Black Pearl, the loyal Yoshimitsu defended his mistress as Gibbs was laughing at Estella by "accidentally" chewing on his family jewels. Gibbs, currently in pain, yelled for help and a strapping young lad assisted him, pulling the dog off. It didn't exactly go as planned considering innocent little Yoshi was still attached, and therefore castrated Mr. Gibbs.
"Would you like me to sew them back on for you man?" asked the lad, holding up the, ahem, newly dismembered members.
"Kindly replace them in my hand, thank you," growled Gibbs, holding the now empty space in the crotch area of his britches in pain.
After setting the jewels in Gibbs hand, the lad bowed in mockery and walked away. Jack, who had just climbed aboard with a still unconscious Kalista in his tanned arms, looked at Gibbs quizzically as the old man reached into his pants and re-deposited the jewels.
"I'm not even going to ask," Jack chuckled in abhorrence. He proceeded to his cabin where the bed awaited the rescued girl. When he opened the door, he spotted another girl rummaging through his oh so many possessions. She turned around at the sounds of his marvelous entrance and quickly shoved her hands behind her back, putting on an innocent smile.
"Whatcha doin' lass?" Jack smirked.
"That's really intimidating…" she laughed nervously, shifting weight uncomfortably.
"That's the point love." He grinned, "Whats that that ye got in yer hand?"
Estella pulled one hand out showing nothing and smiled sweetly.
"Now show ol' Jack the other one."She put the other hand back behind her and then revealed the left one. A sickeningly sweet smile spread across her voluptuous (A/N: if you don't know what it means, LOOK IT UP!) lips. "There's nothin' there, I promise," she whined, batting her eyelashes.
"Like I haven't heard that one before lass. Show me," he commanded.
"Umm, okay," she answered slowly as she dropped the "non-existent" item behind her and started unthreading the laces of her dress.
Not that he minded, being the gentleman he is, but Jack decided it best to stop the girl before something regrettable happened. Jack slapped his forehead and smiled, completely forgetting he had a girl in his arms and let her fall to the floor unceremoniously. Estella brought her hands up to her mouth in shock and ran over to her sister.
"You bastard! You killed her!" she cried, standing up and attacking Jack who stopped her simply by raising his arm and placing his palm on her forehead. Her arms flailed wildly as she attempted to punch his delicious looking six pack.
"She ain't dead love, just sleeping for the moment," he stated.
"Well, let's wake her up!" Estella exclaimed.
"If ye insist," shrugged Jack, snickering a bit. He dropped to his knees and leaned forward preparing to perform CPR on Kalista, perhaps adding a little tongue in as well. Just as he was about to lock lips with the raving beauty, Gibbs burst into the cabin, tripped over Jack, and sent his unattached members flying across the room. He blushed in embarrassment, walked over to the other side, and slyly placed them into his pocket forgetting that there was indeed a hole in it. Dropping to the floor yet again, the members were simply pushed aside for the time being with Gibb's foot into the dirty corner.
"I will just be goin' right about now…" he said quietly, backing out of the door. Jack and Estella looked at each other and shrugged in confusion.
As Jack moved in for the kill once more, Kalista woke up unexpectedly, and punched dear ol' Jack-ey smack dab in the middle of his face, displacing his perfectly hairless nose. Fortunately, for all the fan girls, it immediately shifted back into place. Estella fell to the floor in a fit of giggles, giddily kicking her legs into the air. Kalista shoved him onto his gorgeous ass and stood up with her hands perched upon her hips.
"Where the hell am I? And get off the floor you silly twat!" shouted Kalista, grabbing Estella by her braided hair and yanking her upward, "Who the hell is this? And why are you grinning like a moron?" she continued ranting on for a few minutes, but everyone ignored her.
Jack interrupted her, "Well love, you are aboard the legendary Black Pearl, and I am the notorious Captain Jack Sparrow. You are currently standing in the middle of my cabin, on my nice clean sheets, which are now lying in a heap on the floor underneath your dirty, sopping wet shoes," he explained, "Would you like to meet the crew?"
"…Sure…" Kalista replied hesitantly, releasing her death grip on Estella's hair.
"Yay! I love to meet new people!" cheered Estella, following him out of the cabin onto the deck, where the crew awaited orders from their captain.
Everyone stood there looking awkwardly at one another for a few moments until Jack broke the silence. "This is the crew," he introduced, "Crew, these two bonnie lasses are…I'm sorry, didn't catch your names love…"
"I'm Estella, and this is Kalista! She's my sister, and our father is a fisherman, and we have a dog named Yoshimitsu, he's over there peeing on the mizzen-mast, and we have three younger brothers and—"
She was interrupted by Kalista, who slapped her hand across her sister's mouth, "I really don't think they need to be informed of our personal lives."
"Crew, this is Estella and Kalista. The only people you need to know are Mr. Gibbs, my first mate, and Annamaria, my…something…and of course Mr. Cotton, he can't speak, so we put him on kitchen duty," said Jack, pointing to each one as he introduced them.
"What about me?" demanded the strapping young lad.
"Oh, that's Mr. Turner, he's not really important, but we feel sorry for him because his…er…lovely…wife is on board," added Jack uninterestedly.
Estella stared at him dreamily, while Kalista examined the Capitan. Her eyes traveled up and down at his toned body and stopped at his ruggedly handsome face and scruffy features, finding him oddly attractive. A small smile grew on her face, but it was soon turned into a frown when El Capitan ruined the moment with a smartass remark.
"Enjoyin' the view love?" he asked, clearly amused by her obvious infatuation (it was only obvious to him). She sneered in reply as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Sod off you insufferable cow!" she hissed viciously, walking back into the cabin she had exited from.
Estella pranced over to Will and draped her arms across his broad shoulders. "So, who's this wifey of yours? I'm dying to make her acquaintance."
Just at that moment, Elizabeth approached her hubby. "Who are you and why are you touching my husband?" snarled Elizabeth protectively.
"Will, I think Jack wants to speak with you," smiled Estella, pushing him toward Jack, she turned to Elizabeth and pointed over her shoulder, "Look, a shark!"
"Really, I've never seen one of those before!" exclaimed Elizabeth, leaning over the edge of the ship and looking into the water. Estella "tripped" over her dress and sent Elizabeth head first into the ocean.
"Oops! Maybe I should tell someone…" she giggled, "Nah, they'll figure out for themselves. Oh Will, where are you?" she sang, skipping over to Will, who was staring blankly at Jack waiting for him to say something.
"You rang Captain," said Will, still waiting for Jack to speak.
"Rang what? There is no bell on my ship, unless you're talking about the dinner bell that Mr. Cotton just rang!" Jack and Will turned and raced to the dinner table so they could get there before the rest of the crew. "FOOD!"
"Looks like he's serving spaghetti and sausage," said Annamaria, who beat both men to the food, "and meatballs."
The rest of the crew assembled themselves into a single file line for serving.
"What about our guests?" questioned Will, "Don't they eat first?"
"They are not present at the moment, so no," replied Jack, digging in hungrily.
Once everyone was served, Cotton began eating as well. He took a big bite of a small sausage on his plate.
"Mr. Cotton, what's this new spice you've added? It gives the food a little more zing," complemented some random pirate.
Mr. Cotton's parrot squawked, "Jewels, jewels!"
Jack shrugged, "No idea what that's supposed to mean, all just nod your heads in approval." Everyone nodded, except Gibbs, whose face suddenly turned ashen. He checked his pocket, but remembered that he shoved them in the corner of the cabin.
"Where'd you find these sausages? We've never carried 'em before…" he asked fretfully.
The parrot squawked again, "Cabin, cabin!"
His eyes grew rather wide at that comment, and he grabbed his crotch. The last thing he said before losing consciousness was, "You ate me jewels mate!"
If ya want more, review, or else it will be a one shot type thingy…
A/N: slurping of spit and licking of lips hear that? That's the sweet taste of reviews. All flames welcomed to roast marshmallows with. Please, join the cooking staff. You know you want to! Payment is hefty stupidity in future chapters.