Fenton waited until Pierce had left the room then went to stand across the table in front of Joe. "How dare you?" he asked, barely containing his anger. "Your mother asked you about your work and you gave her one worded replies but when Pierce asked. Pierce, mind you. The man who allegedly raped you in prison, you not only answer, you go into great detail." Joe looked up into Fenton's brown eyes that were almost black with rage as he listened.
"You have every right to be angry at Frank and me but your mother has done nothing wrong. She was not involved in the investigation. You had no right to disown her as you did your brother and myself. I have tried to make allowances for what you went through, but I am seriously beginning to think you enjoyed it!" Fenton ended, speaking without thinking. He only wanted to hurt the stranger Joe had become for hurting Laura.
"Enjoyed it?" Joe stood up and laughed almost hysterically. Frank entered the kitchen unnoticed and stood just behind his mother. He had heard his father from the living room and left Callie to watch the kids while he went to see what was going on.
"Oh, sure! I enjoyed it. Having a group of twenty or more men start to rape you is always fun," he said sarcastically. "Almost as much fun as having your cell mate sell you for a pack of cigarettes at least twice a day," Joe continued, not paying attention to the effect his words were having. "And hey, you want to know the best part of life in prison? It's being available to anyone who is reminded of how much they hate your old man every Sunday."
For the first time, the Hardys realized how much they had hurt Joe on a continual basis. "Even being auctioned off for an evening's entertainment for the entire cell block can't compare to that."
"Yeah, I enjoyed prison. I enjoyed it so much I did strip tease numbers for the inmates on request," Joe continued, tears of humiliation falling down his cheeks.
"Joe, I..." Fenton began, reaching out and touching him.
"Don't touch me!" Joe hissed, his blue eyes blazing even through his tears. "I hate you. You let me go there. You let them..." Joe broke off and turned around. His shoulders continued to shake as he tried to regain control of his emotions.
"We didn't," Fenton said. "We tried out best to get you to use the insanity plea."
"I wasn't crazy!" Joe snapped. "And I wasn't guilty," he added. "Do you want to know why I pled guilty? Do you even have any idea what made me do that?"
"Because we let you down," Fenton said sadly. "Because I didn't do what I had always taught you and your brother to do in a case," he said, remembering Joe's final words to them in Bayport. "I didn't look for the real guilty person. You pled guilty because your brother and I thought you were guilty."
"No," Joe denied. "I pled guilty because I let you down. It was your job to question my innocence and look for clues. But when even mom didn't believe me...." Joe stopped speaking to catch his breath and sniff. "When she didn't believe in me, I knew I had let you all down. If I hadn't been such a bad son then you would have trusted me. But you didn't. And I had tried so hard to be what you wanted."
"You," Joe continued, looking in his father's eyes. "You were always so proud of Frank. Everything he did was perfect. But when I tried to do what he did, it never came out right. I never wanted to be a detective. I did that for you. I hated making enemies and risking my life and trying to help people when I didn't know if I could. I just wanted you to love me as much as you loved Frank. But I kept screwing up. I kept getting into trouble.
"I pled guilty because I wanted it all to end. I didn't think about Pierce. I hadn't even considered what did happen to me. I thought after I hit population, it would be over. Someone would kill me and then I would be dead like I should have when Al Rousseau blew up the car. It should have been me. I wish it had been," Joe finished softly.
"Don't say that!" Fenton snapped, angry at himself for what he had unknowingly done to his son. "Don't ever wish you were dead."
"No," Joe agreed. "I don't wish I were dead. I wish I had never been born. The one reason I do hate her," he added, shooting Laura a venomous glare.
"It was me?" Laura asked in a soft voice moving closer to Joe. "You wanted to die because of me?" she asked again, tears slipping unchecked down her face. He had wanted to die because she didn't believe in him? "Oh, God, Joe. I'm sorry. I would never, ever intentionally hurt you," she begged him to believe her.
"No," Joe said. "That isn't who you are," he admitted. "You wouldn't hurt your worst enemy," he added, looking at her through pain filled eyes. "But you did hurt me. You loved me unconditionally even with all my shortcomings. But when it mattered most, you didn't believe in me and I couldn't bare to see the pain that caused.
"You thought I had tried to kill someone and I could see it hurting you. I loved you so much. All of you. I didn't want to hurt you anymore, that's why I didn't want you to come around me. I knew if you saw me when I was in prison, you would start crying. I told myself I didn't go and see you because I didn't care about you anymore, but I was afraid to see you.
"Everything just kept getting worse and worse and finally, I did quit caring. I quit feeling. It didn't matter any more what I was forced to do or who it was with." Joe sat down, looking at his hands. "I just did as I was told, hoping that they would grow tired of the games they were playing with me and make it end. But it didn't work out that way.
"Somewhere along the line, Pierce started taking care of me for real. He stopped making me do things with other inmates and kept me for himself. He was nice to me. Me. The son of the man who had locked him up for the rest of his life. He made me feel again. He brought me back to life. And then...
"Then I got released. Not because of anything you had done to help me, but because someone had made a plea bargain. I realized then that you really didn't want me around. I had been a burden you were glad to be rid of. When I got outside and you were there, I knew it was only because you felt responsible. I knew you didn't love me anymore. Maybe you never really did," he added, giving a half-smile. "But seeing you hurt so much. I wanted to run into your arms and let you hold me. Tell me it was all a bad dream. But it wasn't. And I couldn't bare to look at you. The pain was so real, it was blinding. So, I pretended to stop caring again.
"I met someone who took care of me. He arranged the phony shoot-out and my death so you would leave me alone. He sensed how much just seeing you hurt me. Then, later, he arranged for me to have rape therapy. A few years later, I married his sister and had some wonderful children, but I..." Joe quit speaking and sniffed as he tried to stop the memories from returning and overwhelming him.
"I've been doing okay. I'm happy, or at least relatively happy, except when I see you on television or in the paper and then the pain comes back." Again, Joe sniffed. "Why did you have to come here?" he demanded, looking into his father's eyes once more. "Haven't I been punished enough?"
"You have every right to be angry at Frank and me but your mother has done nothing wrong. She was not involved in the investigation. You had no right to disown her as you did your brother and myself. I have tried to make allowances for what you went through, but I am seriously beginning to think you enjoyed it!" Fenton ended, speaking without thinking. He only wanted to hurt the stranger Joe had become for hurting Laura.
"Enjoyed it?" Joe stood up and laughed almost hysterically. Frank entered the kitchen unnoticed and stood just behind his mother. He had heard his father from the living room and left Callie to watch the kids while he went to see what was going on.
"Oh, sure! I enjoyed it. Having a group of twenty or more men start to rape you is always fun," he said sarcastically. "Almost as much fun as having your cell mate sell you for a pack of cigarettes at least twice a day," Joe continued, not paying attention to the effect his words were having. "And hey, you want to know the best part of life in prison? It's being available to anyone who is reminded of how much they hate your old man every Sunday."
For the first time, the Hardys realized how much they had hurt Joe on a continual basis. "Even being auctioned off for an evening's entertainment for the entire cell block can't compare to that."
"Yeah, I enjoyed prison. I enjoyed it so much I did strip tease numbers for the inmates on request," Joe continued, tears of humiliation falling down his cheeks.
"Joe, I..." Fenton began, reaching out and touching him.
"Don't touch me!" Joe hissed, his blue eyes blazing even through his tears. "I hate you. You let me go there. You let them..." Joe broke off and turned around. His shoulders continued to shake as he tried to regain control of his emotions.
"We didn't," Fenton said. "We tried out best to get you to use the insanity plea."
"I wasn't crazy!" Joe snapped. "And I wasn't guilty," he added. "Do you want to know why I pled guilty? Do you even have any idea what made me do that?"
"Because we let you down," Fenton said sadly. "Because I didn't do what I had always taught you and your brother to do in a case," he said, remembering Joe's final words to them in Bayport. "I didn't look for the real guilty person. You pled guilty because your brother and I thought you were guilty."
"No," Joe denied. "I pled guilty because I let you down. It was your job to question my innocence and look for clues. But when even mom didn't believe me...." Joe stopped speaking to catch his breath and sniff. "When she didn't believe in me, I knew I had let you all down. If I hadn't been such a bad son then you would have trusted me. But you didn't. And I had tried so hard to be what you wanted."
"You," Joe continued, looking in his father's eyes. "You were always so proud of Frank. Everything he did was perfect. But when I tried to do what he did, it never came out right. I never wanted to be a detective. I did that for you. I hated making enemies and risking my life and trying to help people when I didn't know if I could. I just wanted you to love me as much as you loved Frank. But I kept screwing up. I kept getting into trouble.
"I pled guilty because I wanted it all to end. I didn't think about Pierce. I hadn't even considered what did happen to me. I thought after I hit population, it would be over. Someone would kill me and then I would be dead like I should have when Al Rousseau blew up the car. It should have been me. I wish it had been," Joe finished softly.
"Don't say that!" Fenton snapped, angry at himself for what he had unknowingly done to his son. "Don't ever wish you were dead."
"No," Joe agreed. "I don't wish I were dead. I wish I had never been born. The one reason I do hate her," he added, shooting Laura a venomous glare.
"It was me?" Laura asked in a soft voice moving closer to Joe. "You wanted to die because of me?" she asked again, tears slipping unchecked down her face. He had wanted to die because she didn't believe in him? "Oh, God, Joe. I'm sorry. I would never, ever intentionally hurt you," she begged him to believe her.
"No," Joe said. "That isn't who you are," he admitted. "You wouldn't hurt your worst enemy," he added, looking at her through pain filled eyes. "But you did hurt me. You loved me unconditionally even with all my shortcomings. But when it mattered most, you didn't believe in me and I couldn't bare to see the pain that caused.
"You thought I had tried to kill someone and I could see it hurting you. I loved you so much. All of you. I didn't want to hurt you anymore, that's why I didn't want you to come around me. I knew if you saw me when I was in prison, you would start crying. I told myself I didn't go and see you because I didn't care about you anymore, but I was afraid to see you.
"Everything just kept getting worse and worse and finally, I did quit caring. I quit feeling. It didn't matter any more what I was forced to do or who it was with." Joe sat down, looking at his hands. "I just did as I was told, hoping that they would grow tired of the games they were playing with me and make it end. But it didn't work out that way.
"Somewhere along the line, Pierce started taking care of me for real. He stopped making me do things with other inmates and kept me for himself. He was nice to me. Me. The son of the man who had locked him up for the rest of his life. He made me feel again. He brought me back to life. And then...
"Then I got released. Not because of anything you had done to help me, but because someone had made a plea bargain. I realized then that you really didn't want me around. I had been a burden you were glad to be rid of. When I got outside and you were there, I knew it was only because you felt responsible. I knew you didn't love me anymore. Maybe you never really did," he added, giving a half-smile. "But seeing you hurt so much. I wanted to run into your arms and let you hold me. Tell me it was all a bad dream. But it wasn't. And I couldn't bare to look at you. The pain was so real, it was blinding. So, I pretended to stop caring again.
"I met someone who took care of me. He arranged the phony shoot-out and my death so you would leave me alone. He sensed how much just seeing you hurt me. Then, later, he arranged for me to have rape therapy. A few years later, I married his sister and had some wonderful children, but I..." Joe quit speaking and sniffed as he tried to stop the memories from returning and overwhelming him.
"I've been doing okay. I'm happy, or at least relatively happy, except when I see you on television or in the paper and then the pain comes back." Again, Joe sniffed. "Why did you have to come here?" he demanded, looking into his father's eyes once more. "Haven't I been punished enough?"