Unplugged and Dangerous
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter One: Coppertop Nation
---------------------
"Consider this an invitation, to my coppertop nation."
--------------------
Tyler was the biggest fan of South Park, normally. And it was just a year ago when Tyler used to sing "Blame Canada" at the top of his lungs with two or three beers in his stomach. Every American he knew loved to make fun of the Canadians, actually.
Maybe it was because they were just jealous. Yeah, that sounded about accurate, because Canada was like a colder version of Hawaii, only happier and more clothing.
Canada had order. Canada didn't have nearly as much crime as the States. Canada had much nicer things to report on the six o clock news. Canada had more jobs available. Canada had more opportunities for Tyler to use his MBA usefully. And most importantly, Canada DID NOT have an insane Merovingian with a ruthless army of vampires, werewolves, and albino ghosts who destroyed your car and didn't bother to pay you back.
It had taken Tyler a while to get settled in Canada, and he had to call up his aunt to get all of his stuff out to his current location. He, for once, told her the plain and simple truth of why he wasn't going back to the States for the rest of eternity, and she laughed directly in his ear. So what if she thought he had gone nuts? She was a very useful person to have around, and she shipped his stuff out rather quickly.
What's more, Tyler had found a very useful replacement for his now ex-girlfriend. No, he didn't get married. He invested in a rather attractive blow-up doll.
Yes, life was finally treating Tyler well again. He was away from his crazy ex-girlfriend, living in a nice apartment, safe from the Merovingian...
At that precise moment, the front door opened. Tyler leapt up from his chair, grabbed his baseball bat, and crouched behind the kitchen counter. He had never heard of someone breaking and entering in his new neighborhood, but he was prepared.
He heard footsteps making their way into his home. "On the count of three," he whispered to himself as the two pairs of feet mere making their way towards his kitchen. "One...two...three!" He jumped from his hiding place, swinging his bat in the air. "HAI-YAAAA -- Cain? Abel?"
The said werewolves already had guns out, but they quickly put them away in recognition of Tyler. "Tyler! We knew you'd be here."
Tyler dropped his bat and his jaw in shock. "You KNEW? You're supposed to be in the States, working for that Merovingian guy!"
Cain shrugged. "We still are."
Tyler gulped audibly. "So...he found me?"
Abel nodded. "Yeah. You're not that hard to find. All we really had to do was track your credit card."
"And check your status in Canada to make sure you didn't change your name or anything."
Tyler sank gradually into his very nice carpet. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit..."
Abel rolled his eyes, and nudged Cain. "We're not here to KILL you."
Tyler snorted despite himself. "Oh, THAT'S relieving."
Cain snorted in contempt. "We are here to take you with us."
Tyler glared at him. "If you think I'm going back to that Merovingian guy, you must be smoking crack. He tried to fucking KILL me."
Abel conceded to that point. "True."
"What does he want me for, anyway?"
"He thinks you're funny."
"Oh, so he wants a clown, now?" Tyler snarled.
"Think of it as being his...royal jester." Cain smirked as Abel tried to gloss things over.
"Forget it." He kicked his brand-new Desert Eagle out from under his couch, and in a shocking display of reflexes, kicked the gun up to his hand.
Abel rolled his eyes. "I really didn't want to do this..." He began to morph into his wolf form, and Cain followed suit. They stepped slowly towards Tyler.
Tyler growled. "Do you think I didn't learn anything from my stay at the Merovingian's?"
Cain was still able to talk, as he was only halfway through the transforming process. "What's that supposed to mean? You packing silver or something?"
"Would you like to find out?"
"That's cold, man," Abel whined. "What happened to those nights when we'd watch Frankenstein movies together?"
"They stopped when you told me that Friday sucked."
The shorter wolf paused. "Oh. Well, shit." He smacked the gun out of Tyler's hands before he could even pull the trigger. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."
Tyler soon saw black, and before he hit the floor, he thought, "I now hate Canada."
---------------------
I am so shameless, trying to capitalize off of the success of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". Eh, whatev. This'll be funnier later, folks. And no, he's not going back to the Merovingian. I just need to get him out of his home.
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter One: Coppertop Nation
---------------------
"Consider this an invitation, to my coppertop nation."
--------------------
Tyler was the biggest fan of South Park, normally. And it was just a year ago when Tyler used to sing "Blame Canada" at the top of his lungs with two or three beers in his stomach. Every American he knew loved to make fun of the Canadians, actually.
Maybe it was because they were just jealous. Yeah, that sounded about accurate, because Canada was like a colder version of Hawaii, only happier and more clothing.
Canada had order. Canada didn't have nearly as much crime as the States. Canada had much nicer things to report on the six o clock news. Canada had more jobs available. Canada had more opportunities for Tyler to use his MBA usefully. And most importantly, Canada DID NOT have an insane Merovingian with a ruthless army of vampires, werewolves, and albino ghosts who destroyed your car and didn't bother to pay you back.
It had taken Tyler a while to get settled in Canada, and he had to call up his aunt to get all of his stuff out to his current location. He, for once, told her the plain and simple truth of why he wasn't going back to the States for the rest of eternity, and she laughed directly in his ear. So what if she thought he had gone nuts? She was a very useful person to have around, and she shipped his stuff out rather quickly.
What's more, Tyler had found a very useful replacement for his now ex-girlfriend. No, he didn't get married. He invested in a rather attractive blow-up doll.
Yes, life was finally treating Tyler well again. He was away from his crazy ex-girlfriend, living in a nice apartment, safe from the Merovingian...
At that precise moment, the front door opened. Tyler leapt up from his chair, grabbed his baseball bat, and crouched behind the kitchen counter. He had never heard of someone breaking and entering in his new neighborhood, but he was prepared.
He heard footsteps making their way into his home. "On the count of three," he whispered to himself as the two pairs of feet mere making their way towards his kitchen. "One...two...three!" He jumped from his hiding place, swinging his bat in the air. "HAI-YAAAA -- Cain? Abel?"
The said werewolves already had guns out, but they quickly put them away in recognition of Tyler. "Tyler! We knew you'd be here."
Tyler dropped his bat and his jaw in shock. "You KNEW? You're supposed to be in the States, working for that Merovingian guy!"
Cain shrugged. "We still are."
Tyler gulped audibly. "So...he found me?"
Abel nodded. "Yeah. You're not that hard to find. All we really had to do was track your credit card."
"And check your status in Canada to make sure you didn't change your name or anything."
Tyler sank gradually into his very nice carpet. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit..."
Abel rolled his eyes, and nudged Cain. "We're not here to KILL you."
Tyler snorted despite himself. "Oh, THAT'S relieving."
Cain snorted in contempt. "We are here to take you with us."
Tyler glared at him. "If you think I'm going back to that Merovingian guy, you must be smoking crack. He tried to fucking KILL me."
Abel conceded to that point. "True."
"What does he want me for, anyway?"
"He thinks you're funny."
"Oh, so he wants a clown, now?" Tyler snarled.
"Think of it as being his...royal jester." Cain smirked as Abel tried to gloss things over.
"Forget it." He kicked his brand-new Desert Eagle out from under his couch, and in a shocking display of reflexes, kicked the gun up to his hand.
Abel rolled his eyes. "I really didn't want to do this..." He began to morph into his wolf form, and Cain followed suit. They stepped slowly towards Tyler.
Tyler growled. "Do you think I didn't learn anything from my stay at the Merovingian's?"
Cain was still able to talk, as he was only halfway through the transforming process. "What's that supposed to mean? You packing silver or something?"
"Would you like to find out?"
"That's cold, man," Abel whined. "What happened to those nights when we'd watch Frankenstein movies together?"
"They stopped when you told me that Friday sucked."
The shorter wolf paused. "Oh. Well, shit." He smacked the gun out of Tyler's hands before he could even pull the trigger. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."
Tyler soon saw black, and before he hit the floor, he thought, "I now hate Canada."
---------------------
I am so shameless, trying to capitalize off of the success of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". Eh, whatev. This'll be funnier later, folks. And no, he's not going back to the Merovingian. I just need to get him out of his home.