Unplugged and Dangerous
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Three: Angry Black Woman
-------------------
"To be perfectly honest, you scare the living (and the dying) shit out of me."
-------------------
The Asian man dragged Tyler throughout what seemed to be the entire airport. The Good Samaritans seemed to have the will to help the poor man out, but one death glare from the black woman sent them in reverse.
Finally, they threw him into a room that he had never seen before, in a corner of the airport that he had never been to. They both glared at him carefully, before Tyler chose to speak.
"You guys aren't working for the Merovingian, are you?"
The woman turned to the man. "I thought he was a program."
The man shook his head. "So did I. But no program can be that stupid."
Tyler could have easily lost it, if he had any clue what they were talking about. "Um...what?"
They both looked at Tyler, ignored him, and went back to their conversation.
Tyler was getting slightly annoyed, mostly because for all he knew the Merovingian could be waiting for him right behind that door. "Hey, you guys? Do you think you could help me out here?"
The Asian man spoke. "What?"
"Yeah...you see, there's this French guy, he calls himself the Merovingian, and quite some time ago he kept me in his chateau because some albino twins of his decided to destroy my car for whatever reason and not pay me back, but then he tried to kill me because he thought I was fooling around with his wife, who, I'll have you know, came on to ME. Anyway, I got out of the chateau in one piece, and then I decided to run away to Canada. But then he tracked me to Canada and sent some of his werewolf henchmen, who are normally pretty cool people, to take me back to the States to be his 'royal jester,' but I'm not really sure if I believe that, because he's probably still angry about the whole thing with his wife, and hell, I'd be too, but --"
"Shut your mouth." Tyler obeyed, mostly because he really didn't want to deal with an angry black woman that day. She turned back to her partner. "Is THIS the guy that Seraph told us about?"
The man nodded. "He must be. His story checks out completely."
"But I thought the coppertop that we're saving would be someone who wasn't completely worthless?"
Tyler was pretty sure that was an insult on his part, but he didn't comprehend the meaning of half the words she had said.
The woman turned back to Tyler, fingering something in her palm. "Look...whoever you are..."
"Tyler. My name's Tyler."
"Yeah, okay, Tyler. The Merovingian's not human."
Tyler snickered. "Yeah, obviously not. No human could be that bitchy."
The woman didn't laugh. "I was serious. He's a program."
"What the hell are you talking about? You're acting as if this is some sort of..." Tyler paused, thinking. He continued in disbelief, "computer program?"
The man smiled, and it looked like it hurt. "He's not as stupid as you thought, Niobe."
The woman he called Niobe glared some more. "Just listen..." And she proceeded to tell a very strange tale about how there was once a century long war between humans and machines, and how the humans blocked out the sun in an attempt to eliminate the source of the machines' power, and how the machines took the humans and made them a power source, and how some humans were able to free themselves and so they made a city and went back to free more people, and how the world that the majority of humans lived in was a computer-generated illusion called the Matrix, and how every version of the Matrix had an anomaly called the One, and how the last One (Neo) actually ended the war, and how now after the war the machines and humans were living in a tentative peace, and finally, how the programs were now intending to fuck that up too by taking random humans and killing them for no damn reason with the intent of pissing both the rebel humans and the System off.
Tyler sat there for a moment, and Niobe stared at him, expecting him to say something about how she was a crazy ho who was tripping on E. Instead, he stroked his chin thoughtfully and said, "That makes perfect sense. It makes more sense than what these machines would have me believe, anyway."
Niobe and her partner both breathed a sigh of relief. But Tyler spoke again.
"But...if this war is over, like you say, then why are you coming to me?"
The man decided to speak this time around. "You, unfortunately, are a link in the Merovingian's planned chain of events. He wanted to kill you, and other humans, so that the rebels could get pissed at the System for allowing it to happen, and that the System could get pissed at the rebels for jumping to conclusions."
"Oh." Tyler paused to think again. "So, what are you guys going to do with me?"
"We're going to unplug --" At that moment, the glass window crashed in, and a rather nicely dressed man in sunglasses stepped through.
Niobe swore terribly. "What the fuck? What's a fucking Agent doing here?"
The Agent in question straightened his tie and looked directly at Tyler as he answered Niobe's question. "We are here to make sure that this human doesn't get killed...by either the Merovingian or your incompetence."
Niobe swore terribly, once again, in response, and she ran for the wall. Time seemed to slow down as she kicked the Agent in the head. "It's like watching a sci-fi movie..." Tyler muttered under his breath.
The Asian man ran and grabbed him once again by his collar. "Come on, we're getting out of here!" He sprinted out of the room, out of the airport, and into a car. A rather snazzy car, actually, stick shift and everything.
Tyler was thrown into the back seat. "Hey...um..."
"Ghost."
"Yeah, Ghost. What about Niobe? Will she be okay?"
Ghost smiled, though Tyler couldn't see. "I'd be more worried about the Agent."
At that moment, Niobe crashed out of another window, ran for the car, flipped over the hood, threw herself into the driver's seat, and sped off. All within approximately two seconds, beating Tyler's ex-girlfriend's record. "Hey, Niobe? Where are we going?"
She looked at the soon-to-be-ex-coppertop in the rearview mirror. "We're going to unplug you."
---------------------
Whoa dawgs, an actual Matrix-related plot! *gasp!* Don't run away yet. Allow me to explain.
It's been approximately six months to a year since the events of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". In that time, both the rebels and the machines have come to an armistice, and an uneasy peace (but peace nonetheless). The Merovingian is starting to get kind of worried about this, because there is a small chance of the System (now no longer concerned with the rebels) coming after him, full blast. So, he decides that killing off coppertops would distract the System from him and his fellow Exiles, because then they'd have to deal with angry rebels. His first target is now Tyler, mostly because he's still kind of pissed about the non-existent escapade with Persephone. The only way that the rebels can really solve for this is to unplug his targets before he can get to them, because let's think here: the Merovingian could kill anybody he wants in the Matrix, he's got access to anywhere in the world.
Yes, this plot has holes. Yes, I am trying to fix them. Yes, I am trying to be slightly more serious than "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". Back off. Dayum.
*Kitsune-Chan 8* Well dayum, girl. I didn't stop to think about that. Perhaps I should change chapter two a bit to suit that little fact. Thanks. (And I LOVE Carlton! Random thing to say, yes, but it's true. He's too adorable.)
*Yar Kramer* Um...thanks? I'm actually quite proud of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins"...but whatever. It's funnier than this one, that's for sure. And I LOVE black comedies, do you know why? Because they are ridiculous. And they are funny. And they are ridiculously funny. I like writing ridiculously funny things. On a final note, if Will Smith were Neo, then the Matrix section of this site would have only half as many fics. You know why? Because that'd leave less room for DAMN Mary Sues! Excuse me for a moment while I go glomp my lover Will Smith...eeeee! I love him too!
Wow. That was the longest author's note I've ever written. Except for that brief moment when I unknowingly broke the TOS rules and wrote that one Yu Gi Oh fic...what was it? Oh yes, "Yugi Moto's Pro Duelist". It was really funny, only it was in script fic form. And that is a violation of TOS. Shame on me. I made myself read the rules all over again...do you know how many people break those damn rules on this site? And they call it humor!
How about those reviews, folks?
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Three: Angry Black Woman
-------------------
"To be perfectly honest, you scare the living (and the dying) shit out of me."
-------------------
The Asian man dragged Tyler throughout what seemed to be the entire airport. The Good Samaritans seemed to have the will to help the poor man out, but one death glare from the black woman sent them in reverse.
Finally, they threw him into a room that he had never seen before, in a corner of the airport that he had never been to. They both glared at him carefully, before Tyler chose to speak.
"You guys aren't working for the Merovingian, are you?"
The woman turned to the man. "I thought he was a program."
The man shook his head. "So did I. But no program can be that stupid."
Tyler could have easily lost it, if he had any clue what they were talking about. "Um...what?"
They both looked at Tyler, ignored him, and went back to their conversation.
Tyler was getting slightly annoyed, mostly because for all he knew the Merovingian could be waiting for him right behind that door. "Hey, you guys? Do you think you could help me out here?"
The Asian man spoke. "What?"
"Yeah...you see, there's this French guy, he calls himself the Merovingian, and quite some time ago he kept me in his chateau because some albino twins of his decided to destroy my car for whatever reason and not pay me back, but then he tried to kill me because he thought I was fooling around with his wife, who, I'll have you know, came on to ME. Anyway, I got out of the chateau in one piece, and then I decided to run away to Canada. But then he tracked me to Canada and sent some of his werewolf henchmen, who are normally pretty cool people, to take me back to the States to be his 'royal jester,' but I'm not really sure if I believe that, because he's probably still angry about the whole thing with his wife, and hell, I'd be too, but --"
"Shut your mouth." Tyler obeyed, mostly because he really didn't want to deal with an angry black woman that day. She turned back to her partner. "Is THIS the guy that Seraph told us about?"
The man nodded. "He must be. His story checks out completely."
"But I thought the coppertop that we're saving would be someone who wasn't completely worthless?"
Tyler was pretty sure that was an insult on his part, but he didn't comprehend the meaning of half the words she had said.
The woman turned back to Tyler, fingering something in her palm. "Look...whoever you are..."
"Tyler. My name's Tyler."
"Yeah, okay, Tyler. The Merovingian's not human."
Tyler snickered. "Yeah, obviously not. No human could be that bitchy."
The woman didn't laugh. "I was serious. He's a program."
"What the hell are you talking about? You're acting as if this is some sort of..." Tyler paused, thinking. He continued in disbelief, "computer program?"
The man smiled, and it looked like it hurt. "He's not as stupid as you thought, Niobe."
The woman he called Niobe glared some more. "Just listen..." And she proceeded to tell a very strange tale about how there was once a century long war between humans and machines, and how the humans blocked out the sun in an attempt to eliminate the source of the machines' power, and how the machines took the humans and made them a power source, and how some humans were able to free themselves and so they made a city and went back to free more people, and how the world that the majority of humans lived in was a computer-generated illusion called the Matrix, and how every version of the Matrix had an anomaly called the One, and how the last One (Neo) actually ended the war, and how now after the war the machines and humans were living in a tentative peace, and finally, how the programs were now intending to fuck that up too by taking random humans and killing them for no damn reason with the intent of pissing both the rebel humans and the System off.
Tyler sat there for a moment, and Niobe stared at him, expecting him to say something about how she was a crazy ho who was tripping on E. Instead, he stroked his chin thoughtfully and said, "That makes perfect sense. It makes more sense than what these machines would have me believe, anyway."
Niobe and her partner both breathed a sigh of relief. But Tyler spoke again.
"But...if this war is over, like you say, then why are you coming to me?"
The man decided to speak this time around. "You, unfortunately, are a link in the Merovingian's planned chain of events. He wanted to kill you, and other humans, so that the rebels could get pissed at the System for allowing it to happen, and that the System could get pissed at the rebels for jumping to conclusions."
"Oh." Tyler paused to think again. "So, what are you guys going to do with me?"
"We're going to unplug --" At that moment, the glass window crashed in, and a rather nicely dressed man in sunglasses stepped through.
Niobe swore terribly. "What the fuck? What's a fucking Agent doing here?"
The Agent in question straightened his tie and looked directly at Tyler as he answered Niobe's question. "We are here to make sure that this human doesn't get killed...by either the Merovingian or your incompetence."
Niobe swore terribly, once again, in response, and she ran for the wall. Time seemed to slow down as she kicked the Agent in the head. "It's like watching a sci-fi movie..." Tyler muttered under his breath.
The Asian man ran and grabbed him once again by his collar. "Come on, we're getting out of here!" He sprinted out of the room, out of the airport, and into a car. A rather snazzy car, actually, stick shift and everything.
Tyler was thrown into the back seat. "Hey...um..."
"Ghost."
"Yeah, Ghost. What about Niobe? Will she be okay?"
Ghost smiled, though Tyler couldn't see. "I'd be more worried about the Agent."
At that moment, Niobe crashed out of another window, ran for the car, flipped over the hood, threw herself into the driver's seat, and sped off. All within approximately two seconds, beating Tyler's ex-girlfriend's record. "Hey, Niobe? Where are we going?"
She looked at the soon-to-be-ex-coppertop in the rearview mirror. "We're going to unplug you."
---------------------
Whoa dawgs, an actual Matrix-related plot! *gasp!* Don't run away yet. Allow me to explain.
It's been approximately six months to a year since the events of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". In that time, both the rebels and the machines have come to an armistice, and an uneasy peace (but peace nonetheless). The Merovingian is starting to get kind of worried about this, because there is a small chance of the System (now no longer concerned with the rebels) coming after him, full blast. So, he decides that killing off coppertops would distract the System from him and his fellow Exiles, because then they'd have to deal with angry rebels. His first target is now Tyler, mostly because he's still kind of pissed about the non-existent escapade with Persephone. The only way that the rebels can really solve for this is to unplug his targets before he can get to them, because let's think here: the Merovingian could kill anybody he wants in the Matrix, he's got access to anywhere in the world.
Yes, this plot has holes. Yes, I am trying to fix them. Yes, I am trying to be slightly more serious than "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". Back off. Dayum.
*Kitsune-Chan 8* Well dayum, girl. I didn't stop to think about that. Perhaps I should change chapter two a bit to suit that little fact. Thanks. (And I LOVE Carlton! Random thing to say, yes, but it's true. He's too adorable.)
*Yar Kramer* Um...thanks? I'm actually quite proud of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins"...but whatever. It's funnier than this one, that's for sure. And I LOVE black comedies, do you know why? Because they are ridiculous. And they are funny. And they are ridiculously funny. I like writing ridiculously funny things. On a final note, if Will Smith were Neo, then the Matrix section of this site would have only half as many fics. You know why? Because that'd leave less room for DAMN Mary Sues! Excuse me for a moment while I go glomp my lover Will Smith...eeeee! I love him too!
Wow. That was the longest author's note I've ever written. Except for that brief moment when I unknowingly broke the TOS rules and wrote that one Yu Gi Oh fic...what was it? Oh yes, "Yugi Moto's Pro Duelist". It was really funny, only it was in script fic form. And that is a violation of TOS. Shame on me. I made myself read the rules all over again...do you know how many people break those damn rules on this site? And they call it humor!
How about those reviews, folks?