Unplugged and Dangerous
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Five: Tyler and Squiddies Do Not Mix
----------------
"Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy MACHINES MACHINES. Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy MACHINES MACHINES. Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy AHHH BOT! BOT! Boooooooot, boooooooot, oh it's another robot." -a parody to Badger Badger Badger
----------------
Within a week, Tyler had fully recovered from his swimming-in-shit experience, and was perfectly healthy. The problem was that he used his recovered state to annoy the b'jesus out of every Zionite on the face of the planet.
One day, Tyler decided to explore the bad side of the former operator of the Logos, Sparks. It was quite remarkable to see Sparks turn an interesting shade of purple, because it was usually he who did the annoying. Sparks, along with many other Zionites, decided to raise issue with Niobe, who seemed to become the scapegoat of this particular situation.
After hearing a score of different complaints, Niobe held up a hand. The dining room fell completely silent, all the occupants hoping to hear a sentence containing the words "Tyler" and "death".
Niobe spoke. "I dislike the guy as much as you do --" She was interrupted with dissent, "but we had to keep him from the Merovingian."
A Zionite shook his head. "Why? The boy's a fucking idiot."
"He's wasteful!" another piped up.
Two dark-skinned twins also chimed in, "He keeps shouting things like 'Face the wall, shawty' and 'bend over to the front and touch yo toes'!"
Yet another Zionite added, "He keeps quoting something he calls the 'Chappelle show'. Yesterday he ran down the residence halls screaming, 'I'm Rick James, biatch!'"
"And he keeps singing that Badger Badger Badger song..."
Everyone in the room shuddered for a minute or two.
"Can't we just jack in with him and ditch him at the Merovingian's restaurant?" Ghost pleaded...which was a sign of his desperate state. Ghost never pleased with anyone, especially not Niobe.
Niobe rubbed her forehead, hoping that it would make the headache disappear. Failure. "I have a plan. Morpheus, Hype, Ghost and I will go out to that battle site near 01. With Tyler. Maybe some hard work will get him to shut up."
Everyone in the room doubted it, but no one ever talks back to Niobe and lives to tell the tale.
The door rang with a heavy knock as Tyler got dressed. "Badger badger badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM..." he whispered as he opened the door. "Niobe? Ghost? What can I do you for?"
Niobe, Ghost and some anonymous black man stood at his door, expressionless. Niobe spoke first. "Tyler, we need you."
Tyler examined Niobe's face carefully. "Really? No shit?" Ghost nodded. "What for?"
"We're heading out to the machine city 01."
Tyler was a bit more intelligent than Niobe had assumed. "Isn't that kind of dangerous? I know the war's over, but there's no such thing as a complete peace."
Niobe readily served up another death glare (they come a dime a dozen, you know), which shut Tyler up rather quickly.
He searched frantically for words as he quailed underneath Niobe's glare. "Um...give me ten minutes to get properly dressed."
"Five."
"Oh, come on! Seven and a half?"
"Three."
"Oh, all right. Five minutes."
"I said three. Did you hear me stutter?"
"Damn, woman..." Tyler grumbled under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing...ma'am. I'll be out in three minutes."
As Niobe piloted the Tenshi (Hype's ship) towards 01, Tyler found it imperative to make himself familiar with his temporary crew.
He first walked up to a tall, lanky black woman who had no ass and no curves. "I'm Tyler, you are?"
"Hype," the woman spat venomously. Tyler immediately thought of her as Niobe part deux. "I've heard plenty about you."
Tyler flexed his non-existent muscles. "Oh really?"
"Yeah, so don't fuck with me if you care anything for your limbs."
Tyler backed slowly away, as so not to excite the woman and commence a chase. "All right, all right...shawty."
If people could literally glare daggers, then Tyler would be stuck full of them. "What did you call me?"
Tyler quickened his pace away from Hype. "Nothing...Hype. Pleasure meeting you." He turned to the other anonymous person, a black man, bald. "Hey, I'm Tyler."
"Morpheus."
"Oh! I've heard of you! You were the guy who found the --" Ghost clamped another hand over Tyler's mouth and pulled him around the corner.
"Are you crazy?!"
Tyler was bewildered. "What? Is talking about the One taboo or something?"
"With Morpheus, yes! Do you want to die?"
Tyler thought that over. "No, not really."
"Then watch your mouth! I can't always be here to save your hide." Ghost turned to go join Niobe.
Tyler stood on the ship, feeling rather alone. "Pleasant bunch we've got here."
Niobe landed in the center of the battle site. Tyler looked out at the mountains of metal and rubble. "What are we doing here, exactly?"
"We're....uh..." Niobe hadn't anticipated that Tyler would actually start asking questions. She nudged Ghost.
"Um...we're here to look for..." Ghost nodded towards Hype.
Hype rocked back and forth. "We're going to look for...parts!"
"Yeah! Ship parts! So we can build some...you know, ships," Morpheus quickly chimed in.
Tyler shrugged, picked up his bag, and exited the Tenshi. "Yeah, okay, whatever."
He actually was making himself quite useful, burrowing through rubble, looking for useful ship parts. Niobe and the others looked through the rubble also, not really paying much attention to their work.
Suddenly: "Holy motherfucking SHIT!"
Tyler was flat on his ass, his eyes twice the size of beach balls, staring at a rather large machine. It much resembled a giant robotic version of a squid.
"It's a fucking SQUID!"
Hype struggled not to laugh, and Ghost played along. "Yeah Tyler! Be careful not to make any quick movements...you might tempt it..."
Tyler slowly crawled away, and tried to get to his feet. The squid nudged him quite lovingly, but his fear seemed to see it as an attack. He grabbed his bag and started smacking it frantically. "AAAAAAARGH! Get AWAY! Get AWAY!"
"Oh no, Tyler! I think you might have angered it!" Niobe shouted from a distance as Morpheus giggled madly.
Tyler ditched his bag and began to run towards the Tenshi. "Aaaaaaaaaah! Quick! Ghost! Hype! Load the cannons!" He tripped over some rubble, got to his feet, and began running in circles in his hysteria. "We must stop the squids! Quick everyone! Let's destroy it!"
He got very dizzy from his circle-running, and soon couldn't see where he was going. He tripped once again and went flying right into Niobe.
"Mmmph mmmph mmph mmph!"
Tyler peeled himself off of Niobe's smaller frame. "What was that?"
"I said, 'Get the fuck off!'" She shoved him twenty-five meters away.
He shook off the minor injury, grabbed Niobe by the shoulders, and shook her rather violently. "Are you insane??? The SQUIDS HAVE TAKEN OVER! It's going to kill us all!"
Five across the eyes created rather quick solvency.
The slap seemed to calm him down quite a bit. "Thank you."
"You're a fucking moron, Tyler." Niobe pointed to the squid, which was turning over a few rocks harmlessly. "It's not going to attack us. It was behaving much like a dog."
"Oh." Red rushed to Tyler's cheeks as everyone else laughed hysterically and left for the ship.
Morpheus pulled Niobe back. "I think maybe we should just have him jack in for long periods of time."
Niobe conceded. "He'll be out of our hair, and in the Merovingian's."
They looked at each other, then at Tyler, then back at each, cackling with glee.
------------------------
Whoa! I like this one. Hee hee hee...isn't the Squiddy cuuuuuuuute? Heh heh heh...
How-aaaaaah! AP test is done and over with! YAYO! Apparently we're not supposed to discuss the AP test, EVER, or my score will be invalidated, I'll be barred from ever taking another AP test again, and I can be sued for copyright infringement. So it's like if I talk to my kid about the test 20 years from now, College Board agents will barge into my home, drag me out and into their thinly disguised van, throw me into a bare room with only one lightbulb, smack me with my old essay, and interrogate me at pencil-point.
Hahahahaha, AP humor is fun. How about another?
A kid's writing his essay and suddenly his pen runs dry. He hasn't got any others and if he asks anyone else for one, the proctor will invalidate his test score for talking. So he stabs his finger and finishes the essay with his blood, though he's feeling pretty woozy after the first paragraph. A month later, at the AP testing convention, a teacher picks up the essay, looks at it carefully, and says "This was written in red ink! He gets a zero for not following the damn instructions!"
Anyhow, I'm seeing a huge 5 in my future. My [blank] were written beautifully and the [blank] was too easy.
Kitsune-chan Your reviews make me smile. Tooooooo funny...DOCTOR OCTOPUS HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD!
Anyhow...drop more reviews, y'all. Peacey.
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Five: Tyler and Squiddies Do Not Mix
----------------
"Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy MACHINES MACHINES. Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy MACHINES MACHINES. Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy AHHH BOT! BOT! Boooooooot, boooooooot, oh it's another robot." -a parody to Badger Badger Badger
----------------
Within a week, Tyler had fully recovered from his swimming-in-shit experience, and was perfectly healthy. The problem was that he used his recovered state to annoy the b'jesus out of every Zionite on the face of the planet.
One day, Tyler decided to explore the bad side of the former operator of the Logos, Sparks. It was quite remarkable to see Sparks turn an interesting shade of purple, because it was usually he who did the annoying. Sparks, along with many other Zionites, decided to raise issue with Niobe, who seemed to become the scapegoat of this particular situation.
After hearing a score of different complaints, Niobe held up a hand. The dining room fell completely silent, all the occupants hoping to hear a sentence containing the words "Tyler" and "death".
Niobe spoke. "I dislike the guy as much as you do --" She was interrupted with dissent, "but we had to keep him from the Merovingian."
A Zionite shook his head. "Why? The boy's a fucking idiot."
"He's wasteful!" another piped up.
Two dark-skinned twins also chimed in, "He keeps shouting things like 'Face the wall, shawty' and 'bend over to the front and touch yo toes'!"
Yet another Zionite added, "He keeps quoting something he calls the 'Chappelle show'. Yesterday he ran down the residence halls screaming, 'I'm Rick James, biatch!'"
"And he keeps singing that Badger Badger Badger song..."
Everyone in the room shuddered for a minute or two.
"Can't we just jack in with him and ditch him at the Merovingian's restaurant?" Ghost pleaded...which was a sign of his desperate state. Ghost never pleased with anyone, especially not Niobe.
Niobe rubbed her forehead, hoping that it would make the headache disappear. Failure. "I have a plan. Morpheus, Hype, Ghost and I will go out to that battle site near 01. With Tyler. Maybe some hard work will get him to shut up."
Everyone in the room doubted it, but no one ever talks back to Niobe and lives to tell the tale.
The door rang with a heavy knock as Tyler got dressed. "Badger badger badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM..." he whispered as he opened the door. "Niobe? Ghost? What can I do you for?"
Niobe, Ghost and some anonymous black man stood at his door, expressionless. Niobe spoke first. "Tyler, we need you."
Tyler examined Niobe's face carefully. "Really? No shit?" Ghost nodded. "What for?"
"We're heading out to the machine city 01."
Tyler was a bit more intelligent than Niobe had assumed. "Isn't that kind of dangerous? I know the war's over, but there's no such thing as a complete peace."
Niobe readily served up another death glare (they come a dime a dozen, you know), which shut Tyler up rather quickly.
He searched frantically for words as he quailed underneath Niobe's glare. "Um...give me ten minutes to get properly dressed."
"Five."
"Oh, come on! Seven and a half?"
"Three."
"Oh, all right. Five minutes."
"I said three. Did you hear me stutter?"
"Damn, woman..." Tyler grumbled under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing...ma'am. I'll be out in three minutes."
As Niobe piloted the Tenshi (Hype's ship) towards 01, Tyler found it imperative to make himself familiar with his temporary crew.
He first walked up to a tall, lanky black woman who had no ass and no curves. "I'm Tyler, you are?"
"Hype," the woman spat venomously. Tyler immediately thought of her as Niobe part deux. "I've heard plenty about you."
Tyler flexed his non-existent muscles. "Oh really?"
"Yeah, so don't fuck with me if you care anything for your limbs."
Tyler backed slowly away, as so not to excite the woman and commence a chase. "All right, all right...shawty."
If people could literally glare daggers, then Tyler would be stuck full of them. "What did you call me?"
Tyler quickened his pace away from Hype. "Nothing...Hype. Pleasure meeting you." He turned to the other anonymous person, a black man, bald. "Hey, I'm Tyler."
"Morpheus."
"Oh! I've heard of you! You were the guy who found the --" Ghost clamped another hand over Tyler's mouth and pulled him around the corner.
"Are you crazy?!"
Tyler was bewildered. "What? Is talking about the One taboo or something?"
"With Morpheus, yes! Do you want to die?"
Tyler thought that over. "No, not really."
"Then watch your mouth! I can't always be here to save your hide." Ghost turned to go join Niobe.
Tyler stood on the ship, feeling rather alone. "Pleasant bunch we've got here."
Niobe landed in the center of the battle site. Tyler looked out at the mountains of metal and rubble. "What are we doing here, exactly?"
"We're....uh..." Niobe hadn't anticipated that Tyler would actually start asking questions. She nudged Ghost.
"Um...we're here to look for..." Ghost nodded towards Hype.
Hype rocked back and forth. "We're going to look for...parts!"
"Yeah! Ship parts! So we can build some...you know, ships," Morpheus quickly chimed in.
Tyler shrugged, picked up his bag, and exited the Tenshi. "Yeah, okay, whatever."
He actually was making himself quite useful, burrowing through rubble, looking for useful ship parts. Niobe and the others looked through the rubble also, not really paying much attention to their work.
Suddenly: "Holy motherfucking SHIT!"
Tyler was flat on his ass, his eyes twice the size of beach balls, staring at a rather large machine. It much resembled a giant robotic version of a squid.
"It's a fucking SQUID!"
Hype struggled not to laugh, and Ghost played along. "Yeah Tyler! Be careful not to make any quick movements...you might tempt it..."
Tyler slowly crawled away, and tried to get to his feet. The squid nudged him quite lovingly, but his fear seemed to see it as an attack. He grabbed his bag and started smacking it frantically. "AAAAAAARGH! Get AWAY! Get AWAY!"
"Oh no, Tyler! I think you might have angered it!" Niobe shouted from a distance as Morpheus giggled madly.
Tyler ditched his bag and began to run towards the Tenshi. "Aaaaaaaaaah! Quick! Ghost! Hype! Load the cannons!" He tripped over some rubble, got to his feet, and began running in circles in his hysteria. "We must stop the squids! Quick everyone! Let's destroy it!"
He got very dizzy from his circle-running, and soon couldn't see where he was going. He tripped once again and went flying right into Niobe.
"Mmmph mmmph mmph mmph!"
Tyler peeled himself off of Niobe's smaller frame. "What was that?"
"I said, 'Get the fuck off!'" She shoved him twenty-five meters away.
He shook off the minor injury, grabbed Niobe by the shoulders, and shook her rather violently. "Are you insane??? The SQUIDS HAVE TAKEN OVER! It's going to kill us all!"
Five across the eyes created rather quick solvency.
The slap seemed to calm him down quite a bit. "Thank you."
"You're a fucking moron, Tyler." Niobe pointed to the squid, which was turning over a few rocks harmlessly. "It's not going to attack us. It was behaving much like a dog."
"Oh." Red rushed to Tyler's cheeks as everyone else laughed hysterically and left for the ship.
Morpheus pulled Niobe back. "I think maybe we should just have him jack in for long periods of time."
Niobe conceded. "He'll be out of our hair, and in the Merovingian's."
They looked at each other, then at Tyler, then back at each, cackling with glee.
------------------------
Whoa! I like this one. Hee hee hee...isn't the Squiddy cuuuuuuuute? Heh heh heh...
How-aaaaaah! AP test is done and over with! YAYO! Apparently we're not supposed to discuss the AP test, EVER, or my score will be invalidated, I'll be barred from ever taking another AP test again, and I can be sued for copyright infringement. So it's like if I talk to my kid about the test 20 years from now, College Board agents will barge into my home, drag me out and into their thinly disguised van, throw me into a bare room with only one lightbulb, smack me with my old essay, and interrogate me at pencil-point.
Hahahahaha, AP humor is fun. How about another?
A kid's writing his essay and suddenly his pen runs dry. He hasn't got any others and if he asks anyone else for one, the proctor will invalidate his test score for talking. So he stabs his finger and finishes the essay with his blood, though he's feeling pretty woozy after the first paragraph. A month later, at the AP testing convention, a teacher picks up the essay, looks at it carefully, and says "This was written in red ink! He gets a zero for not following the damn instructions!"
Anyhow, I'm seeing a huge 5 in my future. My [blank] were written beautifully and the [blank] was too easy.
Kitsune-chan Your reviews make me smile. Tooooooo funny...DOCTOR OCTOPUS HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD!
Anyhow...drop more reviews, y'all. Peacey.