Author's Note - This evening I had a friend who was having some trouble writing an essay for her english class. It was an essay on Shakespeare's Macbeth. And so, like the good friend that I am, I decided to help her out the only way that I know how.

I wrote her Macbeth essay for her.

Well.

One day, there was a pirate captain and his name was Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow would have been more accurate .. seeing as he was a captain. And this guy was such a good captain, that he was captain on ALL days of the week - not like some other, non-brand-name captains who only get, say, five days a week. scoff

Anyhoot, this captain went onto a ship. "Savvy," said he, and no one could disagree. And all at once there came the sound of bats all around them, all swooping and screeching and diving around the ship. "We can't stop here," said Jack. "This is bat country." And off they went to shore, and tied up their ship but good, and sallied they forth.

As they sallied forth with great savviness, Jack and his band of merry men came across a blacksmith. "You have a ponytail, ar," observed Jack, and no one could disagree.

The blacksmith was poor because he was not rich, and so he joined forces with the Captain of All Days of the Week to increase his fortunes and perhaps improve the brand of his hair conditioner.

So these brave men sailed across the sea, and came upon an island that was very small because it was not large. "Ar," observed one called Gibbs, and the rest of the crew cheered in unison.

The poor blacksmith and the Captain and all the men were suddenly in despair, because there was no place for tying up their ship. "What are we to do," despaired the blacksmith. "I feel that I may weep."

"Do not weep," savvied the captain. "For I have the answer."

"Is this true?" asked the blacksmith, and dried his eyes on his luxurious hair.

"Yes," said the captain.

"Then reveal this answer to me!" cried the blacksmith, and the lightning flashed and the thunder boomed and the seagulls cried and a volcano erupted.

"It appears that I may have been overly dramatic," said the Captain Jack. "For in my little speech, it seems that a volcano has erupted. In fact, it erupted so much that there is no longer an island at which to tie up our ship."

"Aye," agreed all of the pirates, and hung their scurvy heads.

"But do not let your hearts be troubled," Jack began, then changed his tone quickly before copyright-infringements could appear. "We shall find another island. A better island! With more hair conditioner and fewer volcanoes!"

And all the men rejoiced. And jigged. And were glad.

And that is why, after all is said and done, Lady Macbeth DIDN'T DO IT.

Sheesh.