Unplugged and Dangerous
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Seven: Fresh Prince of The Matrix
------------------
"Who do you think you are, Tyler? Will Smith? You're not even as half as hot."
-----------------
Hype zoomed down another road in the Matrix, snickering quietly to herself as Tyler stewed over their newfound information.
"What I would like to know is HOW?"
Hype rolled her eyes. "How what?"
"How can SHE be a genius hacker? She a ho!" Hype lifted an eyebrow. "No, Hype, fuck your feminist views...if you met this girl you'd probably knock her the fuck out."
"She's that stupid, hm? No wonder she was with you."
Tyler turned to Hype. "Why you always gotta insult me? I'm getting the feeling that you might have a thing for me."
Hype smacked him upside the head without taking her eyes off the road. As Tyler nursed the wound, she said, "Let's just find this girl and get rid of that code before the Merovingian has kittens."
----
They pulled up to a rather nice two-story home in the bluffs: the least likely place that a "big booty ho" (Tyler's words) would live. Apparently, six months after Tyler was unplugged, she used her computer skills and got filthy rich.
Tyler took a look at the house and his jaw met the ground. "Are you absolutely sure this is where she lives?"
Hype read the scrap of paper. "Yeah, that's what Nova said."
"Maybe she was wrong. Or maybe she's lying...did you notice her partiality to white? Her skin was the same tint of her jacket. Three words: Ku Klux Klan."
If looks could mutilate people, Tyler would have melted into a puddle of black man. "You think Exiles are in the Klan?"
"It's possible."
She sighed and rolled her eyes again. "Let's go. Damn, you're impossible."
They walked up the long, winding driveway and rang the doorbell. As a terrible chime version of "Baby Got Back" rang throughout the house, a short, scrawny black woman with a long blond (blond? what was she thinking?) weaves and six-inch nails answered the door.
She wiped the sleep from her eyes and peered out into space, not really seeing Hype and Tyler. "Zup?"
Hype prepared to speak, as Tyler stared at his ex-girlfriend with his mouth wide open. "Girl, didn't yo momma ever tell you not to wear shorts like that?"
The woman woke up at the sound of his voice. "Aw hell naw, nigga! What the fuck you think you doin' out hea? Trying to get on mah Benjamins?"
Tyler grew irritated at her sudden (but frequent) jumping to conclusions. "What the fuck you talkin' bout, ho? I don't want none of yo skank ass money!"
She suddenly noticed Hype, who was giggling quietly behind Tyler. "Oh! And WHO is THIS?"
"Ain't yo business, biatch!"
"Is she that BITCH you was all over at the show seven or eight months ago?"
Hype was too busy laughing to really take offense. Tyler, however, was turning an interesting shade of purple.
"I didn't go to no show, ho! And WHY you care? We're over, remember?"
"Uh huh, we so over you gotta go out and find MAH new address and come up hea with some new ho?"
"Don't be callin' HER no ho, she ain't done shit to you!"
Hype looked up. "Quick to defend me?"
Tyler turned to her, too angry to think straight. "Shut up!" He cowered at her death-glare. "I mean...hold on." He turned back to his ex-girlfriend. "And as for you --"
"Nigga, don't be tryin' to pull that shit on me! I ain't yo shawty, you ain't got none to push around on me!"
They both were incredibly angry and remarkably purple by this moment. They each took a deep breath and screamed at each other a line of phrases, most of which either were too inappropriate or too incoherent to repeat. Finally, they both ended with (at the same time):
"You ain't never gonna change!"
They both glared at each other, determined to get their point across. They shouted the same exact things at each other, in unison:
"You ain't gettin' the last word!"
"Oh yes I am!"
"Oh no you not!"
Frustrated, they turned away from each other, screaming at the top of their lungs:
"Dayum!"
Hype decided that would the opportune moment to intervene. "Excuse me, we're not here to reunite you two."
Tyler's ex turned around at the sound of another woman's voice. "Excuuuuuuse me? What you want, ho?"
Hype readily served up another death-glare, which hung in mid-air until the girl backed down. "Thank you. Now, we're here about the cheat code you created for the game 'Enter The Matrix' in which you can eliminate all enemies?"
The Psycho-Ex's expression suddenly changed, as recognition of her computer genius was brought into the field. "Yeah? You here about that? Where you from, 'Ultimate Gamer'?"
Hype looked to Tyler, who rolled his eyes and nodded. "Um...sure. Yes. I'm Veronica Wilson, and you are already familiar with my partner..."
Psycho-Ex smiled toothily, revealing an interesting gap between her front two teeth, giving her the appearance of a chipmunk. "Yeah...he my boo."
Tyler's head whipped around, as if to say, "Your BOO?" but Hype covered his mouth. She didn't need his lack of tact to ruin their chance.
----
All three sat in Psycho-Ex's den, which is another term for "really farking huge room with 60-inch TV, every XBox game known to man, and copies of Penny Arcade all over the walls." Hype took a sip of the tea that Psycho-Ex had offered, and choked as the flavored steam rushed out of her nostrils.
Psycho-Ex smiled. "You like it? It's imported from Japan, mushroom tea. Watch." She pulled out a mushroom the size of her palm and placed it inside a white canister. Three seconds later, a dark brown liquid gushed out of the spout and into an already-heated teapot. "It's supposed to spiritually cleanse your mind." She poured some into a teacup and sipped.
Tyler was shocked that she used words that contained more than five letters. He nudged Hype and she began talking. "Your code is probably one of the most breakthrough things we've ever seen in gaming. Never before have we seen a regular civilian gamer create such a massive cheat code."
Psycho-Ex twirled a blond plastic lock of hair around her finger. "Really? Y'all gon do an interview or somethin?"
"Absolutely. We here at 'Ultimate Gamer' feel that you are the poster child of the gaming revolution." Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted at this remark, and Hype slowly stepped on his foot.
"Really?" Psycho-Ex stood up. "That's funny, because there is no such magazine as 'Ultimate Gamer'." She pulled a gun out of nowhere. "Now tell me who you are."
"What the hell are you thinking, girl?" Tyler snapped. "Put the gun away, 'Ultimate Gamer' is a magazine in the...uh...in the UK!"
Psycho-Ex refused. "The Merovingian told me y'all'd try to pull shit like this." She pulled the trigger, only to have Tyler flip over the back of the couch. "What the fuck?"
Tyler turned to Hype, who had already whipped out her Beretta. "Let's go. The Merovingian's got her first."
They both sprinted out of the house, dodging bullets, and they hopped into Hype's car and zoomed off for a hard line.
Psycho-Ex shouted after them, "I don't care if you look like Will Smith, Tyler, you ain't gonna get away with this!"
----
"I look like Will Smith?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"No really? Maybe that girl was just trippin..."
"You know, I think you were wrong about her. I've a bit of respect for her...smart, rich black woman."
"You are trippin, Hype."
"Shut the fuck up."
"All right...but why would the Merovingian want to even talk to her?"
"It looks like he really wants to restart the war."
"That sucks."
"We gotta warn Zion. If one human gets killed and the Council doesn't know about this, then they will want to launch an attack on 01."
"Damn straight." Tyler whipped out his cell phone and dialed for his Operator. "Sparks! Where's our exit?"
There was silence over the line. "You won't believe this..."
"Just tell me, you insolent little --"
"Okay, okay. It's across town."
Tyler paused. "You're shitting me."
"I shit you not."
"Dayum!"
-----------------------
Hmm...this fic is going to be pretty long. I can tell. I can feel it. Yayo.
Kitsune-Chan You're going to like how this thing between Hype and Tyler grows and ends. Trust me. Merovingian and Psycho-Ex? I'm trying to see that...eww! Hahahaha.
I've fallen completely in love with mainstream rap. Culo! Hey hey hey hey shake that puss-ay! Hey hey hey hey shake that puss-ay!
Flip flip flip flip, game over! Flip flip flip! Review! Now! Flip flip flip flip flip!
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Seven: Fresh Prince of The Matrix
------------------
"Who do you think you are, Tyler? Will Smith? You're not even as half as hot."
-----------------
Hype zoomed down another road in the Matrix, snickering quietly to herself as Tyler stewed over their newfound information.
"What I would like to know is HOW?"
Hype rolled her eyes. "How what?"
"How can SHE be a genius hacker? She a ho!" Hype lifted an eyebrow. "No, Hype, fuck your feminist views...if you met this girl you'd probably knock her the fuck out."
"She's that stupid, hm? No wonder she was with you."
Tyler turned to Hype. "Why you always gotta insult me? I'm getting the feeling that you might have a thing for me."
Hype smacked him upside the head without taking her eyes off the road. As Tyler nursed the wound, she said, "Let's just find this girl and get rid of that code before the Merovingian has kittens."
----
They pulled up to a rather nice two-story home in the bluffs: the least likely place that a "big booty ho" (Tyler's words) would live. Apparently, six months after Tyler was unplugged, she used her computer skills and got filthy rich.
Tyler took a look at the house and his jaw met the ground. "Are you absolutely sure this is where she lives?"
Hype read the scrap of paper. "Yeah, that's what Nova said."
"Maybe she was wrong. Or maybe she's lying...did you notice her partiality to white? Her skin was the same tint of her jacket. Three words: Ku Klux Klan."
If looks could mutilate people, Tyler would have melted into a puddle of black man. "You think Exiles are in the Klan?"
"It's possible."
She sighed and rolled her eyes again. "Let's go. Damn, you're impossible."
They walked up the long, winding driveway and rang the doorbell. As a terrible chime version of "Baby Got Back" rang throughout the house, a short, scrawny black woman with a long blond (blond? what was she thinking?) weaves and six-inch nails answered the door.
She wiped the sleep from her eyes and peered out into space, not really seeing Hype and Tyler. "Zup?"
Hype prepared to speak, as Tyler stared at his ex-girlfriend with his mouth wide open. "Girl, didn't yo momma ever tell you not to wear shorts like that?"
The woman woke up at the sound of his voice. "Aw hell naw, nigga! What the fuck you think you doin' out hea? Trying to get on mah Benjamins?"
Tyler grew irritated at her sudden (but frequent) jumping to conclusions. "What the fuck you talkin' bout, ho? I don't want none of yo skank ass money!"
She suddenly noticed Hype, who was giggling quietly behind Tyler. "Oh! And WHO is THIS?"
"Ain't yo business, biatch!"
"Is she that BITCH you was all over at the show seven or eight months ago?"
Hype was too busy laughing to really take offense. Tyler, however, was turning an interesting shade of purple.
"I didn't go to no show, ho! And WHY you care? We're over, remember?"
"Uh huh, we so over you gotta go out and find MAH new address and come up hea with some new ho?"
"Don't be callin' HER no ho, she ain't done shit to you!"
Hype looked up. "Quick to defend me?"
Tyler turned to her, too angry to think straight. "Shut up!" He cowered at her death-glare. "I mean...hold on." He turned back to his ex-girlfriend. "And as for you --"
"Nigga, don't be tryin' to pull that shit on me! I ain't yo shawty, you ain't got none to push around on me!"
They both were incredibly angry and remarkably purple by this moment. They each took a deep breath and screamed at each other a line of phrases, most of which either were too inappropriate or too incoherent to repeat. Finally, they both ended with (at the same time):
"You ain't never gonna change!"
They both glared at each other, determined to get their point across. They shouted the same exact things at each other, in unison:
"You ain't gettin' the last word!"
"Oh yes I am!"
"Oh no you not!"
Frustrated, they turned away from each other, screaming at the top of their lungs:
"Dayum!"
Hype decided that would the opportune moment to intervene. "Excuse me, we're not here to reunite you two."
Tyler's ex turned around at the sound of another woman's voice. "Excuuuuuuse me? What you want, ho?"
Hype readily served up another death-glare, which hung in mid-air until the girl backed down. "Thank you. Now, we're here about the cheat code you created for the game 'Enter The Matrix' in which you can eliminate all enemies?"
The Psycho-Ex's expression suddenly changed, as recognition of her computer genius was brought into the field. "Yeah? You here about that? Where you from, 'Ultimate Gamer'?"
Hype looked to Tyler, who rolled his eyes and nodded. "Um...sure. Yes. I'm Veronica Wilson, and you are already familiar with my partner..."
Psycho-Ex smiled toothily, revealing an interesting gap between her front two teeth, giving her the appearance of a chipmunk. "Yeah...he my boo."
Tyler's head whipped around, as if to say, "Your BOO?" but Hype covered his mouth. She didn't need his lack of tact to ruin their chance.
----
All three sat in Psycho-Ex's den, which is another term for "really farking huge room with 60-inch TV, every XBox game known to man, and copies of Penny Arcade all over the walls." Hype took a sip of the tea that Psycho-Ex had offered, and choked as the flavored steam rushed out of her nostrils.
Psycho-Ex smiled. "You like it? It's imported from Japan, mushroom tea. Watch." She pulled out a mushroom the size of her palm and placed it inside a white canister. Three seconds later, a dark brown liquid gushed out of the spout and into an already-heated teapot. "It's supposed to spiritually cleanse your mind." She poured some into a teacup and sipped.
Tyler was shocked that she used words that contained more than five letters. He nudged Hype and she began talking. "Your code is probably one of the most breakthrough things we've ever seen in gaming. Never before have we seen a regular civilian gamer create such a massive cheat code."
Psycho-Ex twirled a blond plastic lock of hair around her finger. "Really? Y'all gon do an interview or somethin?"
"Absolutely. We here at 'Ultimate Gamer' feel that you are the poster child of the gaming revolution." Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted at this remark, and Hype slowly stepped on his foot.
"Really?" Psycho-Ex stood up. "That's funny, because there is no such magazine as 'Ultimate Gamer'." She pulled a gun out of nowhere. "Now tell me who you are."
"What the hell are you thinking, girl?" Tyler snapped. "Put the gun away, 'Ultimate Gamer' is a magazine in the...uh...in the UK!"
Psycho-Ex refused. "The Merovingian told me y'all'd try to pull shit like this." She pulled the trigger, only to have Tyler flip over the back of the couch. "What the fuck?"
Tyler turned to Hype, who had already whipped out her Beretta. "Let's go. The Merovingian's got her first."
They both sprinted out of the house, dodging bullets, and they hopped into Hype's car and zoomed off for a hard line.
Psycho-Ex shouted after them, "I don't care if you look like Will Smith, Tyler, you ain't gonna get away with this!"
----
"I look like Will Smith?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"No really? Maybe that girl was just trippin..."
"You know, I think you were wrong about her. I've a bit of respect for her...smart, rich black woman."
"You are trippin, Hype."
"Shut the fuck up."
"All right...but why would the Merovingian want to even talk to her?"
"It looks like he really wants to restart the war."
"That sucks."
"We gotta warn Zion. If one human gets killed and the Council doesn't know about this, then they will want to launch an attack on 01."
"Damn straight." Tyler whipped out his cell phone and dialed for his Operator. "Sparks! Where's our exit?"
There was silence over the line. "You won't believe this..."
"Just tell me, you insolent little --"
"Okay, okay. It's across town."
Tyler paused. "You're shitting me."
"I shit you not."
"Dayum!"
-----------------------
Hmm...this fic is going to be pretty long. I can tell. I can feel it. Yayo.
Kitsune-Chan You're going to like how this thing between Hype and Tyler grows and ends. Trust me. Merovingian and Psycho-Ex? I'm trying to see that...eww! Hahahaha.
I've fallen completely in love with mainstream rap. Culo! Hey hey hey hey shake that puss-ay! Hey hey hey hey shake that puss-ay!
Flip flip flip flip, game over! Flip flip flip! Review! Now! Flip flip flip flip flip!