Unplugged and Dangerous
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Eight: Resist Psychic Death
-----------------
"I'll resist with every inch and every breath, I'll resist this psychic death!" -Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill, "Resist Psychic Death"
-----------------
Hype sped down another street in the Matrix, knowing perfectly well that the fastest way to the hard line would probably be the freeway. Tyler didn't dare to suggest it.
He did, however, find it imperative to state the obvious. "Hype, the longer we stay in here, the higher our chances of being killed by the Merovingian's Exiles become."
"I know that, you fucking idiot," she snarled from behind the wheel, proving for the umpteenth time that she was truly Niobe part deux.
He fell silent.
----
"Damn, Sparks, how much further until the hard line?" Hype barked into her phone.
Sparks whimpered, knowing that he had to give the last answer that Hype wanted to hear. "It's still fifteen miles away..." He cringed in advance as Hype reacted terribly to this news.
"Are you shitting me?! I swear to God, Sparks, if this is some sort of a bad joke, I'm gonna --!"
Sparks typed quickly and pulled up a map on his screen. "Okay, okay, just calm down..."
"Calm down?!"
"Okay, strike that suggestion. Just let me try to find another route..." Sparks tried again and again, wasting about five minutes.
"Why are you wasting my time, Sparks?!"
Sparks cowered, knowing that his only solution would be precisely what Hype did not want to hear. "Er...I've found a shortcut."
"It's about damn time."
"You take the freeway --"
"What?!" Hype's face slowly turned purple as her eyes widened to the size of teacup saucers.
"The shortest route to the hard line is through the freeway, Hype --"
"Are you tellin' me that I have to go on the goddamn freeway just to get to the fucking hard line? You had better find a different route, if you value your limbs."
Sparks began to cry hysterically inside. "There is no other route! You have to go on the freeway if you don't want the Merovingian to start tracking you!"
Hype threw the phone at Tyler, swearing terribly. He rubbed the sore spot on his cheek. "Damn, Hype! Why you gotta take it out on me?"
"Shut the fuck up, and hold on. We're going on the freeway." She spat that last sentence out as if she had been forced to eat something terrible.
----
One dialed a series of numbers and put the phone to his ear. "Merovingian, Tyler and the black woman are about to enter the freeway."
"Good. Do not let zem leave ze Matrix."
"Yes." One hung up and turned to Two. "We can't stand Mero, can we?"
Two nodded, and turned the key in the ignition. "No, we cannot."
One smirked, the kind of smirk that anyone would react to in the same manner that you would react to a raging rhinoceros: run far, far away and up the nearest tree until the rhinoceros (or the smirk) had passed. "Let's go rebel-hunting."
----
Tyler looked around the freeway, and saw nothing but civilian cars driving along at a nice pace of 60 miles per hour. There hadn't even been any stupid drivers pushing eighty on the road that day. "I don't know what you were so scared of. Looks like nothing's gonna happen."
Hype relaxed and slowed to a speed that matched the other drivers. "Maybe you're right."
Tyler turned in his seat completely and looked at her, grinning widely. "What was that? Did you actually use a sentence that didn't include an insult or a swear word?"
"Shut up." But this time Hype was smiling, sincerely happy and content for the first time since they had jacked in. She looked in the rearview mirror. "That's a nice Escalade."
"Hm?" Tyler turned to check out the said vehicle. His jaw dropped, and he wanted to shrink to a size of approximately six centimeters.
Hype watched his reaction with confusion. "Something wrong?"
"Yes." He began to shake violently. "I know that Escalade. It belongs to the Twins."
"The who?" But Tyler squealed with fright before he could answer her.
"And that silver E Class Benz...that one belongs to Cain and Abel." If he had no shame, he would be pounding on the windows and crying.
"Is something wrong? Who are these people? Programs?"
Tyler still did not answer, for his shaking finger was pointing at another vehicle behind them. "That red Hummer! It belongs to Pussy Vampire and Bitchy Dude Who Looks Like A Girl!" He sank deeply into his seat. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod..."
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Tyler?" Hype was getting very irritated.
"What's wrong with me?" he whispered, "You mean, 'what wrong with us?'. You see, the Merovingian has sent a vehicular fleet of Exiles to jump us on the freeway."
"Oh." Hype paused to allow the information to sink in properly. "Shit."
"Shit? SHIT?! What do you mean, 'shit'?! They're going to capture us, if not kill us!"
Hype shrugged it off. "The Merovingian doesn't kill off his prey."
"I don't think you understand, Hype! They'll slaughter everyone on the freeway if they find it necessary! Have you forgotten how they destroyed my damn CAR?!!"
"OH." Hype suddenly realized the scaryness of the situation. "SHIT." Her foot turned to lead as she merged onto the fast lane and sped off.
"Are you cur-azy?!" Tyler screamed. "You think DRIVING FAST is going to shake them off?"
"It has to. There's too much traffic between us and them." Hype looked in the rearview mirror to see the Hummer barge through four or five inferior, normal cars, with the Escalade zipping around behind the carnage, tearing off the backs of little Hyundais. "Well, looks like we can fuck that idea with a silver spoon."
"NO FUCKING DUH, YOU DAMN BAKA!" Tyler's arms whirled around dangerously.
Hype raised an eyebrow. "'Baka'?"
"Sorry. I had to prove that I know some assorted Japanese phrases." Tyler reverted to his crazy-hyperactive mode once again. "Anyway, we're gonna die!"
"Now do you see why I can't stand the freeway?"
"Shut up about that and get your ass OFF the freeway before people start dying!"
Hype chose not to state the obvious fact that people already probably were.
----
She took the next exit, driving the Exile fleet away from innocent civilians and attracting a small fleet of cop cars. "Damn! Tyler, get out your M16."
"Forget it. I'm not a cop-killer."
"What?! Ghost did it during the war!"
"Do I look like Ghost to you?"
"Of course not!" She snorted. "Ghost is ten times sexier."
Tyler loaded his gun, and adopted a look of disgust. "Ewww! You're into Asians?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because you can know a person by knowing their fetishes."
"Riiiight. Okay, then, I have a thing for short, creepy Asian men."
"With small penises," Tyler insisted.
Hype rolled her eyes. "With small penises," she repeated. "Now go!"
Tyler rolled down the window, sat on the sill, and fired in the general direction of the officers. The officers, already having dealt with Niobe and Ghost and not wanting a repeat, quickly scattered. He hammered on the roof of the car. "Am I done yet?"
"Hell no. You've still got those Exiles to take care of." She made a sharp turn, nearly throwing Tyler out of the car. "Sorry about that."
"You're shitting me! You think I stand a chance against the Twins? They're probably bulletproof!"
"Just do it!"
Tyler pulled the trigger and fired at the Escalade. It fell back, and Cain and Abel's Benz took the front line. He hesitated.
"What the fuck are you waiting for, Tyler? Shoot them!"
"I can't. Even though Cain and Abel knocked me out and tried to take me back to the Merovingian to get killed, I'm still so cool with them. I watched 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' with them! That's sold, man, solid."
Hype smacked her forehead. "Didn't Cain once tell you that 'Friday' sucked?"
Tyler's eyes narrowed. "That's right. Those werewolf motherfuckers." He fired at the Benz, riddling it with bullet holes, but as we all know, only silver would stop them. They advanced.
"Tyler! Get back inside, this is going to be rough!" He obeyed, and she stomped on the gas for all she was worth.
Tyler noticed something. "Hey, Hype? You seen that red Hummer anywhere after we got off the freeway?"
As if karma hated them at that precise moment, Vlad's Hummer zipped in, blocking the end of the road. Hype swerved, her side smacking the Hummer. The Twins' Escalade swerved in also, trapping Hype and Tyler between the two vehicles. Cain and Abel's Benz pulled over to the side, Abel jumping out and ordering the rebels at gunpoint. With the Twins, Vlad, and Bitchy Vampire Dude flanking Hype and Tyler, doing anything different would be a silly form of suicide.
Cain grabbed Tyler, and growled, "You're going back to the chateau."
"Obviously, stupid fuck." Tyler was still bitter about Cain's months-old remark on his favorite movie. "And by the way, the old 'Willard' sucks. I only said it was good to be nice."
"That hurts, man," Abel whined.
Two grabbed Hype and smirked. "We like you. You smell nice."
Hype swung blindly. "Don't touch me, you over-sexed, perverted, pale-ass mother --"
Both Hype and Tyler saw black, and they both decided at that moment that they hated Exiles.
---------------------------
Hm. Not too shabby of a chapter. This fic is going to be really long though. Hey, can you see Tyler's crush on Hype slowly developing? Huh? Huh? No, of course you can't.
By the way, does anyone know the name of that one Exile that I know is a guy but he looks a lot like a girl? I'm getting kind of sick of referring to him as Bitchy Dude Who Looks Like A Girl a.k.a. Bitchy Vampire Dude.
Kitsune-chan What can I say? Your reviews make me smile.
How come no one else is following this fine girl's example? Review! (Please?)
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Eight: Resist Psychic Death
-----------------
"I'll resist with every inch and every breath, I'll resist this psychic death!" -Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill, "Resist Psychic Death"
-----------------
Hype sped down another street in the Matrix, knowing perfectly well that the fastest way to the hard line would probably be the freeway. Tyler didn't dare to suggest it.
He did, however, find it imperative to state the obvious. "Hype, the longer we stay in here, the higher our chances of being killed by the Merovingian's Exiles become."
"I know that, you fucking idiot," she snarled from behind the wheel, proving for the umpteenth time that she was truly Niobe part deux.
He fell silent.
----
"Damn, Sparks, how much further until the hard line?" Hype barked into her phone.
Sparks whimpered, knowing that he had to give the last answer that Hype wanted to hear. "It's still fifteen miles away..." He cringed in advance as Hype reacted terribly to this news.
"Are you shitting me?! I swear to God, Sparks, if this is some sort of a bad joke, I'm gonna --!"
Sparks typed quickly and pulled up a map on his screen. "Okay, okay, just calm down..."
"Calm down?!"
"Okay, strike that suggestion. Just let me try to find another route..." Sparks tried again and again, wasting about five minutes.
"Why are you wasting my time, Sparks?!"
Sparks cowered, knowing that his only solution would be precisely what Hype did not want to hear. "Er...I've found a shortcut."
"It's about damn time."
"You take the freeway --"
"What?!" Hype's face slowly turned purple as her eyes widened to the size of teacup saucers.
"The shortest route to the hard line is through the freeway, Hype --"
"Are you tellin' me that I have to go on the goddamn freeway just to get to the fucking hard line? You had better find a different route, if you value your limbs."
Sparks began to cry hysterically inside. "There is no other route! You have to go on the freeway if you don't want the Merovingian to start tracking you!"
Hype threw the phone at Tyler, swearing terribly. He rubbed the sore spot on his cheek. "Damn, Hype! Why you gotta take it out on me?"
"Shut the fuck up, and hold on. We're going on the freeway." She spat that last sentence out as if she had been forced to eat something terrible.
----
One dialed a series of numbers and put the phone to his ear. "Merovingian, Tyler and the black woman are about to enter the freeway."
"Good. Do not let zem leave ze Matrix."
"Yes." One hung up and turned to Two. "We can't stand Mero, can we?"
Two nodded, and turned the key in the ignition. "No, we cannot."
One smirked, the kind of smirk that anyone would react to in the same manner that you would react to a raging rhinoceros: run far, far away and up the nearest tree until the rhinoceros (or the smirk) had passed. "Let's go rebel-hunting."
----
Tyler looked around the freeway, and saw nothing but civilian cars driving along at a nice pace of 60 miles per hour. There hadn't even been any stupid drivers pushing eighty on the road that day. "I don't know what you were so scared of. Looks like nothing's gonna happen."
Hype relaxed and slowed to a speed that matched the other drivers. "Maybe you're right."
Tyler turned in his seat completely and looked at her, grinning widely. "What was that? Did you actually use a sentence that didn't include an insult or a swear word?"
"Shut up." But this time Hype was smiling, sincerely happy and content for the first time since they had jacked in. She looked in the rearview mirror. "That's a nice Escalade."
"Hm?" Tyler turned to check out the said vehicle. His jaw dropped, and he wanted to shrink to a size of approximately six centimeters.
Hype watched his reaction with confusion. "Something wrong?"
"Yes." He began to shake violently. "I know that Escalade. It belongs to the Twins."
"The who?" But Tyler squealed with fright before he could answer her.
"And that silver E Class Benz...that one belongs to Cain and Abel." If he had no shame, he would be pounding on the windows and crying.
"Is something wrong? Who are these people? Programs?"
Tyler still did not answer, for his shaking finger was pointing at another vehicle behind them. "That red Hummer! It belongs to Pussy Vampire and Bitchy Dude Who Looks Like A Girl!" He sank deeply into his seat. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod..."
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Tyler?" Hype was getting very irritated.
"What's wrong with me?" he whispered, "You mean, 'what wrong with us?'. You see, the Merovingian has sent a vehicular fleet of Exiles to jump us on the freeway."
"Oh." Hype paused to allow the information to sink in properly. "Shit."
"Shit? SHIT?! What do you mean, 'shit'?! They're going to capture us, if not kill us!"
Hype shrugged it off. "The Merovingian doesn't kill off his prey."
"I don't think you understand, Hype! They'll slaughter everyone on the freeway if they find it necessary! Have you forgotten how they destroyed my damn CAR?!!"
"OH." Hype suddenly realized the scaryness of the situation. "SHIT." Her foot turned to lead as she merged onto the fast lane and sped off.
"Are you cur-azy?!" Tyler screamed. "You think DRIVING FAST is going to shake them off?"
"It has to. There's too much traffic between us and them." Hype looked in the rearview mirror to see the Hummer barge through four or five inferior, normal cars, with the Escalade zipping around behind the carnage, tearing off the backs of little Hyundais. "Well, looks like we can fuck that idea with a silver spoon."
"NO FUCKING DUH, YOU DAMN BAKA!" Tyler's arms whirled around dangerously.
Hype raised an eyebrow. "'Baka'?"
"Sorry. I had to prove that I know some assorted Japanese phrases." Tyler reverted to his crazy-hyperactive mode once again. "Anyway, we're gonna die!"
"Now do you see why I can't stand the freeway?"
"Shut up about that and get your ass OFF the freeway before people start dying!"
Hype chose not to state the obvious fact that people already probably were.
----
She took the next exit, driving the Exile fleet away from innocent civilians and attracting a small fleet of cop cars. "Damn! Tyler, get out your M16."
"Forget it. I'm not a cop-killer."
"What?! Ghost did it during the war!"
"Do I look like Ghost to you?"
"Of course not!" She snorted. "Ghost is ten times sexier."
Tyler loaded his gun, and adopted a look of disgust. "Ewww! You're into Asians?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because you can know a person by knowing their fetishes."
"Riiiight. Okay, then, I have a thing for short, creepy Asian men."
"With small penises," Tyler insisted.
Hype rolled her eyes. "With small penises," she repeated. "Now go!"
Tyler rolled down the window, sat on the sill, and fired in the general direction of the officers. The officers, already having dealt with Niobe and Ghost and not wanting a repeat, quickly scattered. He hammered on the roof of the car. "Am I done yet?"
"Hell no. You've still got those Exiles to take care of." She made a sharp turn, nearly throwing Tyler out of the car. "Sorry about that."
"You're shitting me! You think I stand a chance against the Twins? They're probably bulletproof!"
"Just do it!"
Tyler pulled the trigger and fired at the Escalade. It fell back, and Cain and Abel's Benz took the front line. He hesitated.
"What the fuck are you waiting for, Tyler? Shoot them!"
"I can't. Even though Cain and Abel knocked me out and tried to take me back to the Merovingian to get killed, I'm still so cool with them. I watched 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' with them! That's sold, man, solid."
Hype smacked her forehead. "Didn't Cain once tell you that 'Friday' sucked?"
Tyler's eyes narrowed. "That's right. Those werewolf motherfuckers." He fired at the Benz, riddling it with bullet holes, but as we all know, only silver would stop them. They advanced.
"Tyler! Get back inside, this is going to be rough!" He obeyed, and she stomped on the gas for all she was worth.
Tyler noticed something. "Hey, Hype? You seen that red Hummer anywhere after we got off the freeway?"
As if karma hated them at that precise moment, Vlad's Hummer zipped in, blocking the end of the road. Hype swerved, her side smacking the Hummer. The Twins' Escalade swerved in also, trapping Hype and Tyler between the two vehicles. Cain and Abel's Benz pulled over to the side, Abel jumping out and ordering the rebels at gunpoint. With the Twins, Vlad, and Bitchy Vampire Dude flanking Hype and Tyler, doing anything different would be a silly form of suicide.
Cain grabbed Tyler, and growled, "You're going back to the chateau."
"Obviously, stupid fuck." Tyler was still bitter about Cain's months-old remark on his favorite movie. "And by the way, the old 'Willard' sucks. I only said it was good to be nice."
"That hurts, man," Abel whined.
Two grabbed Hype and smirked. "We like you. You smell nice."
Hype swung blindly. "Don't touch me, you over-sexed, perverted, pale-ass mother --"
Both Hype and Tyler saw black, and they both decided at that moment that they hated Exiles.
---------------------------
Hm. Not too shabby of a chapter. This fic is going to be really long though. Hey, can you see Tyler's crush on Hype slowly developing? Huh? Huh? No, of course you can't.
By the way, does anyone know the name of that one Exile that I know is a guy but he looks a lot like a girl? I'm getting kind of sick of referring to him as Bitchy Dude Who Looks Like A Girl a.k.a. Bitchy Vampire Dude.
Kitsune-chan What can I say? Your reviews make me smile.
How come no one else is following this fine girl's example? Review! (Please?)