Unplugged and Dangerous
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Nine: Nothing Can Stop Me
--------------
"But if you think that I'm not strong, you'd best watch out. Nothing can stop me!" -Corin Tucker of Heavens to Betsy, "Nothing Can Stop Me"
--------------
Tyler woke up to find himself on his favorite rack. "Oh fuck! I'm on the rack AGAIN?"
His nose jumped off of his face, ran around for mercy, realized it would get none, and resumed its previous position. This meant that Cujo was in the area. He grinned widely, showing his teeth. This, my friends, is normally a bad thing.
"Wow, Cujo. You're here?"
The head werewolf nodded. "It's been a while."
Tyler shrugged in agreement. "Yeah, it has. So...you gonna let us off these torture tools, right?"
Cujo didn't answer, he only smiled.
"Aw, shit." Cujo, like old times, cranked the wheel. "Owwwwww! That huuuuurts!" He paused. "I'm tempting you, aren't I?"
Cujo still didn't say anything, and smiled even wider. He turned the wheel again to listen to Tyler's screams of pain.
"Hey, man, why you gotta trip?"
Cujo looked at him as if Tyler had asked him if two plus two equaled four. "You woke up."
"You suck, man. I wouldn't do that to YOU."
Cujo stepped away from the rack. He positioned himself in the center of the torture chamber. One stomp. Tyler raised an eyebrow.
Another stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap. Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap.
"My name is Cujo."
"What?"
"I thought you knew."
"What?"
"That torturing,"
"What?"
"Is all I do! Roll call!"
Tyler looked at Cujo as if he were the proof for the Pythagorean Theorem. "Roll call? I haven't done that since my days at my high school's Black Student Union..."
The werewolf was significantly disappointed. "I thought you'd like it. I looked up black culture on the internet...but I guess we can go back to torturing..."
"No! No! That's okay..." Tyler shouted frantically. "Uh, start the beat up again?" Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap. "My name is Tyler."
"Yeah?"
"Don't act a fool."
"Yeah?"
"Best recognize,"
"Yeah?"
"That I own you! Roll call!"
"Man, will you both just shut the fuck up?!" Hype decided at that moment to wake up, only to find herself hanging by her wrists from the ceiling. "What the fuck is going on, Tyler?"
"Recognize, Hype. Cujo likes to torture."
Hype was confused. "Who do you think you are? Jay-Z?"
Frustrated, Tyler snapped, "Cujo wants to roll call, woman! Or do you feel like being tortured?"
"Uh..." Hype thought furiously. "My name is Hype."
Cujo and Tyler both answered. "Huh?"
"Not your shawty."
"Huh?"
"You fuck around,"
"Huh?"
"Answer to me! Roll call!"
Abel walked in at that moment. "Hey, are the rebels awake? The Merovingian's gonna talk to them in like half an hour." He looked at Cujo stomping and clapping as if he were in a church in Harlem. "What the fuck are you guys doing?"
Cujo turned to Abel, smiling sincerely. "Come on! Join in!"
"Join in on what, you fuckhat?" Abel just didn't loosen up that often.
"Roll call, man." Tyler nodded frantically in Abel's direction. "Do it, or we get tortured."
"Uh...I'll try it."
"Please do," Hype encouraged.
"My name is Abel."
Hype, Tyler, and Cujo answered, "Yeah."
"I hate silver."
"Yeah."
"Let's hit the club."
"Yeah."
"Get crunk in hurrr! Roll call!" He paused. "That was fun. We gotta get more people in on this." He ran out of the chamber for a moment, and returned with Bitchy Vampire Dude, Vlad, and Cain. "You guys have gotta try this roll call stuff. The Merovingian would never stand for it."
Hype was confused. "Why?"
Vlad answered, "He's French, and has no rhythm."
"Oh."
All four programs started to stomp and clap out a beat, making the weapons in the chamber vibrate. Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap.
"My name is Vlad."
"What?" everyone else answered.
"Not a pussy."
"What?"
"You'll die if you,"
"What?"
"Talk shit on me! Roll call!"
Bitchy Vampire Dude took up the next verse. "My name is Tiger."
"Wait a minute!" Tyler interrupted. "What did you call yourself?"
Tiger looked at him as if he were a disgusting beetle of some sort. "My name is Tiger...not Bitchy Fem-Dude Who Got His Face Smashed In By The One."
Tyler paused, and cracked up. "That's what you call yourself?! Hahahaha!"
Tiger glared, stormed up to Tyler's rack, and socked him effectively in the stomach. Tyler would have doubled over if he were not tied down. Tiger turned to the other programs, and they resumed the beat.
"My name is TIGER." He purposely looked at Tyler.
Tyler only said "Huh?" with the others.
"I'm off da map."
"Huh?"
"Call me a girl,"
"Huh?"
"You'll eat my cap! Roll call!"
The programs giggled maniacally as Cain took the next rhyme.
"My name is Cain."
"Um..."
"This ain't a test."
"Er, Cain...?"
"Who gives a fuck,"
"The Merovingian's --"
"About the French?! Roll call!" Cain grinned at his newfound cleverness and wit, but no one else was smiling back. "Oh shit. He's behind me, isn't he."
Everyone, including Tyler and Hype, nodded slowly. The Merovingian walked up and looked Cain directly in the eye. "Zo, you vant some rhyme? Fine! Cujo, Vlad, Tiger, start up zat zilly ztomping and clapeeng again."
The programs obeyed.
"My name is Mer--"
"Yes?" everyone chanted weakly.
"Oh veen gee on."
"Yes?"
"Cain, von't you zay,"
"Yes?"
"Hi to my gun?!"
Everyone else chanted together, "Roll --!" BANG. Cain fell to the ground, a silver bullet in his head. The Merovingian looked around the chamber.
"Vould anyone ELSE like to 'roll call' today?"
They all shook their heads no.
"Good. Cujo, Vlad, take Cain and reboot him. Maybe he vill have learned his lesson. Probably not."
"That guy's scary," Hype whispered to Tyler.
"You don't know the half of it," he hissed back.
----
Hype spun slowly in circles from the ceiling. "I am sooo tired. Being jacked in for this long..."
"Oh man, Hype, when you bitch you make it worse," Tyler snapped.
"Hey, look on the bright side."
"WHAT bright side?"
"Cujo isn't torturing us.
"And THIS isn't bad enough?!"
Hype paused. "You know, your ex-girlfriend is right. You DO look like Will Smith."
Tyler didn't catch the hint. "What the fuck, Hype? That was completely random."
"Maybe, maybe not..." She smiled, directly at Tyler. For the first time.
Tyler shrank back as far as he could while he was bound to a table. "Okay, you're scaring me. What happened to the Hype who would throw Sparks out the Tenshi's bay door because he was singing the Hamster Dance?"
"She'll kick your ass if you keep questioning me." Nice Hype died, and Normal Hype returned.
They both stayed silent for three minutes. Then, Tyler spoke. "You know what would really suck?"
"What?"
"If my ex walked in right now."
Karma never was a fan of our Tyler. The door slammed open, and the Merovingian stormed in with someone behind him.
"Zo. You...rebels. Are you familiar vith zis...coppertop?" He spat out the last word as he pointed to Psycho Ex, who was preoccupied with her hair and her gum.
"Why do you care, Merovingian?" Hype snarled.
"Because I shall offer you a choice."
Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted. "An ultimatum, you mean."
"Shut up. Eizher I let you out of le chateau and you leave ze Matrix without the code, or she dies." He pulled out a gun and held it to her head.
Tyler and Hype looked at each other. They both laughed in the Merovingian's face. "Please get rid of her! She a ho!" Tyler howled.
Psycho Ex's head snapped up. "Excuuuuuuse me? You gonna let THIS perverted, cake-baking French NIGGA kill me? Aw HELL NAH!" She whipped out a rather sharp nail file. "I'm a cut YOU, nigga!"
----------------------
Ooooh, cliffhanger! Hehheheheh.
-Kitsune-Chan 8- Awww....no strange dialogue? They make me love my characters even more! And yes...I had to think of the creepiest line that the Twins could say. That one seemed ultra-super creepy. I'm shuddering all over. Damn, those Twins are too hot. For albinos.
-Matrix Refugee- I'm not sure that's his name, but I'm going to take your word for it. All right peoples: Bitchy Vampire Dude's name is now Tiger. (I could have sworn I've seen that somewhere...)
What can I say? Review, dawgs! My name is Neo...yeah...I am the One...yeah...You fuck with me...yeah...and you are done! Roll call! (that means your review should have a roll call verse...amuse me...)
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill
Chapter Nine: Nothing Can Stop Me
--------------
"But if you think that I'm not strong, you'd best watch out. Nothing can stop me!" -Corin Tucker of Heavens to Betsy, "Nothing Can Stop Me"
--------------
Tyler woke up to find himself on his favorite rack. "Oh fuck! I'm on the rack AGAIN?"
His nose jumped off of his face, ran around for mercy, realized it would get none, and resumed its previous position. This meant that Cujo was in the area. He grinned widely, showing his teeth. This, my friends, is normally a bad thing.
"Wow, Cujo. You're here?"
The head werewolf nodded. "It's been a while."
Tyler shrugged in agreement. "Yeah, it has. So...you gonna let us off these torture tools, right?"
Cujo didn't answer, he only smiled.
"Aw, shit." Cujo, like old times, cranked the wheel. "Owwwwww! That huuuuurts!" He paused. "I'm tempting you, aren't I?"
Cujo still didn't say anything, and smiled even wider. He turned the wheel again to listen to Tyler's screams of pain.
"Hey, man, why you gotta trip?"
Cujo looked at him as if Tyler had asked him if two plus two equaled four. "You woke up."
"You suck, man. I wouldn't do that to YOU."
Cujo stepped away from the rack. He positioned himself in the center of the torture chamber. One stomp. Tyler raised an eyebrow.
Another stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap. Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap.
"My name is Cujo."
"What?"
"I thought you knew."
"What?"
"That torturing,"
"What?"
"Is all I do! Roll call!"
Tyler looked at Cujo as if he were the proof for the Pythagorean Theorem. "Roll call? I haven't done that since my days at my high school's Black Student Union..."
The werewolf was significantly disappointed. "I thought you'd like it. I looked up black culture on the internet...but I guess we can go back to torturing..."
"No! No! That's okay..." Tyler shouted frantically. "Uh, start the beat up again?" Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap. "My name is Tyler."
"Yeah?"
"Don't act a fool."
"Yeah?"
"Best recognize,"
"Yeah?"
"That I own you! Roll call!"
"Man, will you both just shut the fuck up?!" Hype decided at that moment to wake up, only to find herself hanging by her wrists from the ceiling. "What the fuck is going on, Tyler?"
"Recognize, Hype. Cujo likes to torture."
Hype was confused. "Who do you think you are? Jay-Z?"
Frustrated, Tyler snapped, "Cujo wants to roll call, woman! Or do you feel like being tortured?"
"Uh..." Hype thought furiously. "My name is Hype."
Cujo and Tyler both answered. "Huh?"
"Not your shawty."
"Huh?"
"You fuck around,"
"Huh?"
"Answer to me! Roll call!"
Abel walked in at that moment. "Hey, are the rebels awake? The Merovingian's gonna talk to them in like half an hour." He looked at Cujo stomping and clapping as if he were in a church in Harlem. "What the fuck are you guys doing?"
Cujo turned to Abel, smiling sincerely. "Come on! Join in!"
"Join in on what, you fuckhat?" Abel just didn't loosen up that often.
"Roll call, man." Tyler nodded frantically in Abel's direction. "Do it, or we get tortured."
"Uh...I'll try it."
"Please do," Hype encouraged.
"My name is Abel."
Hype, Tyler, and Cujo answered, "Yeah."
"I hate silver."
"Yeah."
"Let's hit the club."
"Yeah."
"Get crunk in hurrr! Roll call!" He paused. "That was fun. We gotta get more people in on this." He ran out of the chamber for a moment, and returned with Bitchy Vampire Dude, Vlad, and Cain. "You guys have gotta try this roll call stuff. The Merovingian would never stand for it."
Hype was confused. "Why?"
Vlad answered, "He's French, and has no rhythm."
"Oh."
All four programs started to stomp and clap out a beat, making the weapons in the chamber vibrate. Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap.
"My name is Vlad."
"What?" everyone else answered.
"Not a pussy."
"What?"
"You'll die if you,"
"What?"
"Talk shit on me! Roll call!"
Bitchy Vampire Dude took up the next verse. "My name is Tiger."
"Wait a minute!" Tyler interrupted. "What did you call yourself?"
Tiger looked at him as if he were a disgusting beetle of some sort. "My name is Tiger...not Bitchy Fem-Dude Who Got His Face Smashed In By The One."
Tyler paused, and cracked up. "That's what you call yourself?! Hahahaha!"
Tiger glared, stormed up to Tyler's rack, and socked him effectively in the stomach. Tyler would have doubled over if he were not tied down. Tiger turned to the other programs, and they resumed the beat.
"My name is TIGER." He purposely looked at Tyler.
Tyler only said "Huh?" with the others.
"I'm off da map."
"Huh?"
"Call me a girl,"
"Huh?"
"You'll eat my cap! Roll call!"
The programs giggled maniacally as Cain took the next rhyme.
"My name is Cain."
"Um..."
"This ain't a test."
"Er, Cain...?"
"Who gives a fuck,"
"The Merovingian's --"
"About the French?! Roll call!" Cain grinned at his newfound cleverness and wit, but no one else was smiling back. "Oh shit. He's behind me, isn't he."
Everyone, including Tyler and Hype, nodded slowly. The Merovingian walked up and looked Cain directly in the eye. "Zo, you vant some rhyme? Fine! Cujo, Vlad, Tiger, start up zat zilly ztomping and clapeeng again."
The programs obeyed.
"My name is Mer--"
"Yes?" everyone chanted weakly.
"Oh veen gee on."
"Yes?"
"Cain, von't you zay,"
"Yes?"
"Hi to my gun?!"
Everyone else chanted together, "Roll --!" BANG. Cain fell to the ground, a silver bullet in his head. The Merovingian looked around the chamber.
"Vould anyone ELSE like to 'roll call' today?"
They all shook their heads no.
"Good. Cujo, Vlad, take Cain and reboot him. Maybe he vill have learned his lesson. Probably not."
"That guy's scary," Hype whispered to Tyler.
"You don't know the half of it," he hissed back.
----
Hype spun slowly in circles from the ceiling. "I am sooo tired. Being jacked in for this long..."
"Oh man, Hype, when you bitch you make it worse," Tyler snapped.
"Hey, look on the bright side."
"WHAT bright side?"
"Cujo isn't torturing us.
"And THIS isn't bad enough?!"
Hype paused. "You know, your ex-girlfriend is right. You DO look like Will Smith."
Tyler didn't catch the hint. "What the fuck, Hype? That was completely random."
"Maybe, maybe not..." She smiled, directly at Tyler. For the first time.
Tyler shrank back as far as he could while he was bound to a table. "Okay, you're scaring me. What happened to the Hype who would throw Sparks out the Tenshi's bay door because he was singing the Hamster Dance?"
"She'll kick your ass if you keep questioning me." Nice Hype died, and Normal Hype returned.
They both stayed silent for three minutes. Then, Tyler spoke. "You know what would really suck?"
"What?"
"If my ex walked in right now."
Karma never was a fan of our Tyler. The door slammed open, and the Merovingian stormed in with someone behind him.
"Zo. You...rebels. Are you familiar vith zis...coppertop?" He spat out the last word as he pointed to Psycho Ex, who was preoccupied with her hair and her gum.
"Why do you care, Merovingian?" Hype snarled.
"Because I shall offer you a choice."
Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted. "An ultimatum, you mean."
"Shut up. Eizher I let you out of le chateau and you leave ze Matrix without the code, or she dies." He pulled out a gun and held it to her head.
Tyler and Hype looked at each other. They both laughed in the Merovingian's face. "Please get rid of her! She a ho!" Tyler howled.
Psycho Ex's head snapped up. "Excuuuuuuse me? You gonna let THIS perverted, cake-baking French NIGGA kill me? Aw HELL NAH!" She whipped out a rather sharp nail file. "I'm a cut YOU, nigga!"
----------------------
Ooooh, cliffhanger! Hehheheheh.
-Kitsune-Chan 8- Awww....no strange dialogue? They make me love my characters even more! And yes...I had to think of the creepiest line that the Twins could say. That one seemed ultra-super creepy. I'm shuddering all over. Damn, those Twins are too hot. For albinos.
-Matrix Refugee- I'm not sure that's his name, but I'm going to take your word for it. All right peoples: Bitchy Vampire Dude's name is now Tiger. (I could have sworn I've seen that somewhere...)
What can I say? Review, dawgs! My name is Neo...yeah...I am the One...yeah...You fuck with me...yeah...and you are done! Roll call! (that means your review should have a roll call verse...amuse me...)