"Kevin, will you PLEASE hurry up? Church starts in 10 minutes. I want to
get a pew close to Cindy Wagner. I heard she's carrying a child out of
WEDLOCK! Me and Mary are going to gossip about her instead of listening to
the boring sermon."
Kevin Kinkirk, Lucy's sexy policeman husband, walked out of the bathroom with a towel covering his sinful parts. "Lucy, that's not very nice. Cindy Wagner may be unmarried, but it is 2004, and we need to respect all types of people." Said Kevin, a.k.a Mr. Perfection.
Lucy groaned. "Oh, you're right, I know. You're ALWAYS right. And sexy. But church is so dull! I find myself daydreaming about, well, a church-less life."
Kevin gasped, and his towel fell to the floor. "LUCY. What are you SAYING?"
Lucy threw a pair of shorts at him, and walked toward the window. She grabbed her binoculars and began spying on the neighbors.
"I'm saying...well..I'm..well...a...nonbeliever." Kevin's shorts fell off, and he passed out.
Five minutes later, Kevin awoke to find himself fully dressed. Lucy had even managed to pin a mini American flag on his dress coat. "It's all about the American pride." Lucy whispered in his ear.
"Lucy. You're an..an...ATHEIST?!" Kevin splashed himself with cold water to prevent another embarrassing black-out. Lucy shrugged.
"I..THINK. I mean. I like God. He's awesome and omnipotent..even omniscient. All the qualities I look for in a higher power. But he lets bad things happen, Kevin. It doesn't seem correct. I didn't tell you this. Last week, you were at work, and I was sitting here, enjoying a turkey sandwich from Quizo's. After taking a rather big bite, I knew something wasn't right. Well, something wasn't right. I fell down the stairs thirty minutes later. What kind of God lets that happen, Kevin? What kind of God?!" Lucy began sobbing uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, downstairs, the rest of the Christiany family is preparing for a thrilling day with the congregation. "I'M going to sing super loudly!" Ruthie exclaimed.
"Well I'M going to wet my entire body with holy water!" Matt said.
"And I'm going to make sure you kids stay away from skepticism!" Eric said with a laugh. Lucy and Kevin slowly descended down the stairs. "Greetings, worshippers! Have some waffles. They're shaped like the cross!" said Annie, the ideal Christian mom.
"Kevin and I have something to tell you." Lucy said meekly, while wondering why the Camden household was housing a bunch of strangers in the new episodes.
"Lucy is an Atheist. And I'm not." Kevin said softly. Annie's plate of Jesus waffles slipped off the table and shattered.
"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THE KIND IN MY HOUSE!" Eric screeched.
"Now just a dog gone second, reverend! You're a Christian. You're supposed to be compassionate. Loving, understanding. Then surely you must understand that not every person is cut out for the Christian lifestyle." Kevin said calmly to the angry reverend. "You need to learn to love your daughter despite what road she chooses to take. Sure, she's choosing the road less traveled..but..that has made all the difference! For some people. Besides the agnostics. Imagine living a life all CONFUSED? At least Lucy's hardcore Atheist-"
"Silence! You make a point. As always. You're Kevin. Okay. Lucy, dear, I accept your way of life. I will no longer badger you to join the church choir. Or to dump Kevin and become a nun in the Catholic Church even though we're not Catholic. I accept your dirty lifestyle, and although you'll rot in hell, and we'll never see you since we'll be in heaven, I wish you the best of luck. And I'll ask Satan to go easy on you." Said Eric, while forcing a smile.
"Oh, dad! I knew you'd understand! I love you. I love you all!" Lucy said with tears of mass happiness in her eyes.
The family went off to church, and Lucy, the Atheist, stayed home doing Atheist things, like scoffing at how dumb Christians are, and pretending she has it all figured out. She also knitted some mittens for Happy.
The family learned a valuable lesson: acceptance is the key to happiness. Do not judge. Do not disown those who are different. Atheists are hell- bound, but so are non-Christians. Let us pray.
Kevin Kinkirk, Lucy's sexy policeman husband, walked out of the bathroom with a towel covering his sinful parts. "Lucy, that's not very nice. Cindy Wagner may be unmarried, but it is 2004, and we need to respect all types of people." Said Kevin, a.k.a Mr. Perfection.
Lucy groaned. "Oh, you're right, I know. You're ALWAYS right. And sexy. But church is so dull! I find myself daydreaming about, well, a church-less life."
Kevin gasped, and his towel fell to the floor. "LUCY. What are you SAYING?"
Lucy threw a pair of shorts at him, and walked toward the window. She grabbed her binoculars and began spying on the neighbors.
"I'm saying...well..I'm..well...a...nonbeliever." Kevin's shorts fell off, and he passed out.
Five minutes later, Kevin awoke to find himself fully dressed. Lucy had even managed to pin a mini American flag on his dress coat. "It's all about the American pride." Lucy whispered in his ear.
"Lucy. You're an..an...ATHEIST?!" Kevin splashed himself with cold water to prevent another embarrassing black-out. Lucy shrugged.
"I..THINK. I mean. I like God. He's awesome and omnipotent..even omniscient. All the qualities I look for in a higher power. But he lets bad things happen, Kevin. It doesn't seem correct. I didn't tell you this. Last week, you were at work, and I was sitting here, enjoying a turkey sandwich from Quizo's. After taking a rather big bite, I knew something wasn't right. Well, something wasn't right. I fell down the stairs thirty minutes later. What kind of God lets that happen, Kevin? What kind of God?!" Lucy began sobbing uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, downstairs, the rest of the Christiany family is preparing for a thrilling day with the congregation. "I'M going to sing super loudly!" Ruthie exclaimed.
"Well I'M going to wet my entire body with holy water!" Matt said.
"And I'm going to make sure you kids stay away from skepticism!" Eric said with a laugh. Lucy and Kevin slowly descended down the stairs. "Greetings, worshippers! Have some waffles. They're shaped like the cross!" said Annie, the ideal Christian mom.
"Kevin and I have something to tell you." Lucy said meekly, while wondering why the Camden household was housing a bunch of strangers in the new episodes.
"Lucy is an Atheist. And I'm not." Kevin said softly. Annie's plate of Jesus waffles slipped off the table and shattered.
"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THE KIND IN MY HOUSE!" Eric screeched.
"Now just a dog gone second, reverend! You're a Christian. You're supposed to be compassionate. Loving, understanding. Then surely you must understand that not every person is cut out for the Christian lifestyle." Kevin said calmly to the angry reverend. "You need to learn to love your daughter despite what road she chooses to take. Sure, she's choosing the road less traveled..but..that has made all the difference! For some people. Besides the agnostics. Imagine living a life all CONFUSED? At least Lucy's hardcore Atheist-"
"Silence! You make a point. As always. You're Kevin. Okay. Lucy, dear, I accept your way of life. I will no longer badger you to join the church choir. Or to dump Kevin and become a nun in the Catholic Church even though we're not Catholic. I accept your dirty lifestyle, and although you'll rot in hell, and we'll never see you since we'll be in heaven, I wish you the best of luck. And I'll ask Satan to go easy on you." Said Eric, while forcing a smile.
"Oh, dad! I knew you'd understand! I love you. I love you all!" Lucy said with tears of mass happiness in her eyes.
The family went off to church, and Lucy, the Atheist, stayed home doing Atheist things, like scoffing at how dumb Christians are, and pretending she has it all figured out. She also knitted some mittens for Happy.
The family learned a valuable lesson: acceptance is the key to happiness. Do not judge. Do not disown those who are different. Atheists are hell- bound, but so are non-Christians. Let us pray.