ACT ONE

SCENE ONE
EXTERIOR - LORELAI AND SOOKIE EAT CANDY ON PORCH - EVENING

Scene opens on SOOKIE and LORELAI on the porch, staring off into space and absentmindedly eating candy from the candy bowl, surrounded by wrappers. A group of kids with a chaperone is making its way up the road to the Gilmore house.

SOOKIE
So why isn't Rory here?

LORELAI
Some sort of Costume Frat Party.

SOOKIE
Oh, sounds...dirty.

LORELAI
Not in the outfit she was wearing.

The group of kids arrives; each in their own darling little costume.

GROUP OF KIDS
Trick-or-Treat.

She hands them each a piece of candy, in the traditional Halloween fashion. As they walk away...

SOOKIE
Aren't you worried about her going to a frat party?

LORELAI
Rory's a good kid. I know she won't do anything I did at her age. Plus, Lane's there, and somehow she even got Paris to tag along.

SOOKIE
It's great that Rory already has a friend on campus.

LORELAI
Even if it is Paris.

SOOKIE
Yeah, but she has someone to hang out with, someone to stand with awkwardly at parties where she doesn't know anyone, until she gets accustomed there.

LORELAI
Even if it is Paris.

GROUP OF KIDS
Trick-Or-Treat.

LORELAI
(Takes a bite of a candy bar, looks down and find bowl only has one more piece of candy in it)
Uh-oh.
(Fishes into her pocket)
Er, um, you are getting the special treats I have been hiding in my pockets. A dime for you, and a tissue for you - it's not used - and a magical Halloween Cert for you. Happy Halloween! Come back next year!

CHILD
This cert has lint on it.

LORELAI
The lint is what makes it magical, kid.

Reluctantly and disappointed, the group of kids leave, but there is another group fast approaching behind them.

SOOKIE
Er...
(Looks down at the bowl of candy and then up at the group of kids that is approaching)
What do we do now?

LORELAI
What have you got in your pockets?

SOOKIE
(Checks her pockets)
My keys?

LORELAI
Run!

They quickly shove the empty wrappers into the bowl by the handful, and run inside, just in time to miss the next group of kids.

Or maybe not. There is knocking on the door behind them.

VOICE
(through door)
We know you're in there. We saw you with the candy bowl.

LORELAI
Is that-?

SOOKIE
(Peeks out the window)
Yep, it's Kirk.

LORELAI
(Typical Lorelai Reaction; opens door)
Look, hey, Kirk, we just ran out of candy. I swear.
(Shows bowl)
See?

KIRK
Well, then you know what that means.

LORELAI
(Nope)
Uh...

KIRK
Trick or treat. No treat, so...

LORELAI
Yes, but see, we HAD good intentions, but as the pile of empty wrappers will attest, we could not control our carnal urges. So I hardly think we deserve...

KIRK
It's the rules. You don't give us a treat; we demand a trick.

LORELAI
You demand a?

KIRK
I demand a magic trick.

LORELAI
A magic trick. Oh, oh, yeah, right, of course, a magic trick. Trick or treat, right? Um...
(Looks around)
Sookie? Help me here. A magic trick.

SOOKIE
A magic trick? A magic trick. But-

KIRK
Yes, a magic trick. It's what the customs call for. Trick OR Treat. No treat. So it calls for a trick.

SOOKIE
But I always thought that trick meant -

LORELAI
(Interrupting her)
That this time of year is so magical. But luckily we had Kirk here to clear that common misconception up for us. And so we will do a trick. A magic trick in fact. Yes...a magic trick.
(As she searches with her eyes around her for something to perform)
Yep, I've one here ready to perform just gotta...um..find it.
(Pointing behind Kirk)
Look a rhinoceros!

KIRK
(Turns around to look)
Where?

LORELAI grabs a book from the table near the door, while Kirk turns around.

KIRK
A rhinoceros? Where? There's no rhinoceros.

Kirk turns back around, and Lorelai is holding up the book - The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky.

LORELAI
Tada! And I made the magical book magically appear.

KIRK
(greatly annoyed by her irreverent attitude toward the sacred Halloween traditions)
Lorelai!

LORELAI
(To the kids, trying to usher them out)
Happy Halloween, come back next year, when I pull a rabbit out of Kirk's ear.

KIRK
Lorelai. That wasn't a magic trick. You just made me turn around and picked it up off the table.

LORELAI
(The typical Lorelai sigh of Ugh)
You just ruined my magic trick. Gave away the great secret of Lorelai Houdini - Queen of Illusions. World renowned for her impossible book-appearing-trick-doing.

KIRK
Lorelai. I am not leaving until I get a magic trick or candy. It's only right.

SOOKIE
I'm pretty sure that the trick meant that if you don't get a piece of candy, then the kids would play-

LORELAI
(Interrupting her again)
Bye, Kirk. Bye, kids! Nice witch outfit, by the way. Very New Age.

KID
Thanks.

KIRK
I'm staying right where I am.

Lorelai forcibly removes him from the doorway amid his audible and physical protests, but she, of course, succeeds in removing him. He IS just Kirk after all.

LORELAI
(As she shuts the door.)
Happy Halloween!

He continues to knock on the door, shouting.

KIRK
(Barely audible through the door)
Lorelai! Let me back in! Lorelai! This isn't right. This is a time honored Halloween tradition. Trick or Treat is a phrase that dates back at least as far back as when my mother went trick or treating. Lorelai!

LORELAI rests upon the closed door, with an expression that says, "Wow, Kirk needs to get a life." We can still hear Kirk protesting through the door.

SOOKIE
Yeah, kids are supposed to play a trick on you if you don't give them candy. Like toilet papering the house, egging your lawn, or covering your mailbox in shaving cream... or is it whipped cream?

LORELAI
And you were telling this to Kirk because?

SOOKIE
He's got the tradition wrong.

LORELAI
But really I'd rather pull a book out of thin air than have my house mauled by Kirk and Company.

SOOKIE
Good point, good point.
(Pause)
Now what?

We can still hear KIRK in the background.

LORELAI
He'll give up in a half hour or so.
(Pause)
I'm still hungry. You wanna order pizza?

END OF SCENE 1