Previously in chapter 9:

A muffled, "Come in," was heard and I again trod carefully and walked inside his small room. His surprised face put a smile on mine, and soon I was swept into welcoming familiar arms.

"I've missed you so much Jade," came a slightly distorted voice that was currently buried in my shoulder. I rubbed his back, "I missed you too Slick."

He pulled back to look me in the eyes, as soon as I glanced away, he demanded I tell him 'what the hell I was doing in this dump'.

I shut the door gently behind me and let him lead me to his bed.  He took a stool from next to the window and set it down in front of the bunk.  I folded my legs comfortably beneath me and waited for him to begin the conversation I knew at one point would render me in tears for the second or third time that day. 

In five words, he explained the rules, "Tell me everything, no lies."

And in the hours of the early morning as I told my story, my heart bled again. 

After the long telling of the anecdote I felt lighter, to know that someone else knew my point of view, knew the way I saw the world.  Slick was like that; he sat and listened to me, not saying anything for a good two hours. 

He was able to accept things the way I understood them, how another interpreted a situation was one of his specialties.  He had a way of comprehending other's actions even when being told them by second hand information.

Slick cleared his throat warily before beginning, "Well, it seems to me that we have a slight dilemma on our hands," he was also known for understating things to a fault.

"No kidding," I commented back, "But I think I'd appreciate your opinion on what the hell I am supposed to do now."

Slick's eyes were full of alertness, breathtaking things swirling within his glassy orbs. I saw intelligence and warm caring; I sighed. He deserved the most wonderful girl in the world. 

His lips curved into a delicious smirk and he let out a small chuckle before responding, "I just love the way you are so articulate about your predicament. I think the resolution should be simple Jade.  Apparently, Spot has feelings for you, and—oddly enough, you reciprocate them.  Where you go from here depends on how you want his and your relationship to be.  Do you want to be a friend, a friend with benefits, sex no strings attached? A woman he loves?"

All throughout his carefully guarded words, I noticed a twinge of a new emotion in his eyes.  I could hear the defeat in his voice. I recognized it immediately, despair—rejection

"Slick, is there anything you want to tell me?"

"Not in particular. Well, actually yes.  I've known you for a long time Jade, and I've known Spot too, and I know in my heart, that… he doesn't deserve you.

"Hell, Jack doesn't even deserve to lick the ground you walk on, but seriously, can you think of no one else that you could share your life with?"

"You know about my feelings for Spot, they started a long time ago.  I know you don't want me to feel this way but-"

He cut me off, "It isn't that I don't want you to like him." He crossed the room to my side. 

"Its just that I want you to…

"I want you to love me Jade, I… I want your affection. 

"Friends was always more than enough as long as I knew that Jack was just a fling, a time passer, sure it hurt, but not as much as the knowledge that you want to jump head first into a relationship with one of the most notorious womanizers in the Brooklyn area.

"I know you feel like you know him, and I'm sure you're a lot closer to him than anyone ever has been, but do you really think it's the best idea to stir up all this drama?"

Drama? Since when had my affections been 'drama'.

"That's not fair Slick," I responded somewhat heatedly, "Just because Spot has some relationship issues doesn't mean he should be excluded from having someone special."

"Which he has a new taste of every other week Jade!" Slick's temper was rising; I could tell this was not a discussion that would end well.

"Look, it doesn't matter whether or not I have feelings for him anymore.  He's in love with Secret."

Slick's eyes widened at my remark, he shook his head in disbelief as well as confusion, "Jade, Secret dumped Spot last night."

I gasped at the knowledge, was this the reason that he wasn't in Brooklyn this morning? Is that why he tried to kiss me?  But why did he lie to me about being in love with her, and wanting to prolong his relationship with her if it was nonexistent?

I was so confused now, and I decided to voice this to my companion.

"I'm so confused. Why?"

"Apparently… they were getting heavy up in his room, and when they er… lets just say he didn't exactly call out 'Secret' at the end."

Oh God, how vulgar, how completely horrendous, and I was just laying on that bed! Oh, I feel dirty. I need to go wash myself off or something.  I feel so… wronged.

"And what did he call out pray tell?" I asked slowly, looking Slick in the eye, questioning him with my gaze—willing him to tell me everything he knew.

"Well… something along the lines of groaning, 'Oh God, God yes Jade.'"  He grimaced as he said the words. He then  looked remorsefully into my eyes, asking silently if I was affected by this knowledge.

How revolting, how completely uncalculated and sloppy. He might as well have worn a sign on his forehead that said, "I'm using you for sex."

I couldn't help sharing my thoughts with Slick. "Today, I could almost taste the magnetism we had towards each other, and then he told me he loved Secret, when in fact she had broken up with him the night before, because he had said my name instead. He lied to me.  I find lies so repulsive, and he knows that! I feel so… betrayed, Slick.

I looked back into his eyes.  Oh no, I had completely forgotten his confession.

A warm buzz kindled in my heart. And I put away my feelings for the moment towards Spot.

"How long have you felt this way for me Slick?"

"Since the first day I saw you. Maybe not so forcefully the first day, but when I started talking to you, I knew you were the only girl I had ever met that interested me beyond looks. You had a fire, you had an allure that no one could touch.  Every room you entered brightened. I love you Jade, I've loved you for a long time."

All throughout this detailed confession, all I could think of was how many times I had jokingly commented on how he need to find a lover, a sweet girl to marry, someone who understood him and intrigued him. And unfortunately, it was someone like me.

They can't tell me who to be,
'Cause I'm not what they see.
And the world is still sleeping,
While I keep on dreaming for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I'll never believe.

My eyes filled with iridescent liquid. Tears, they had surrounded me so often today, sometimes in pain, sometimes in sadness, and now in remorse.

"I'm so sorry William.  But I cannot give you that kind of love.  You know I would die for you if I had to, but I don't harbor those kinds of feelings towards you. You are my soul brother—not my lover."

"Is it so hard, so impossible, to want me as a man, and not a genderless friend?"

I closed my eyes, Slick was more than adequate, and any girl he fell in love with should be honored, and I would have been… but… I wasn't.

I loved my best friend more than all the world, but not more than Spot Conlon.

"No, it isn't, but it also isn't that simple. Listen—"

"No you listen, I know what you're going to tell me.  You're going to say that I'll find someone that I love more than you, that you don't deserve me.  Don't you think I've thought these things over? You know me better than anyone, you alone know how calculating and how meticulous I am about my life and emotions.  I've considered everything, I've tried to find another, but I cant. I still throughout it all loved you, and what you stood for.  I know you don't love me in the same way, but at least grant me one wish, afterwards, I will never broach this subject again, we can forget what I said."

I was wary of this wish, it could be anything.  But after all I'd already done to him, I felt I could at least grant him his one request. I slowly nodded my consent.

"Let me kiss you, like in my dreams?" His voice was imploring me to say yes, to give in to this temptation.  This comfort that I had denied Spot, sought me out so willingly in Slicks beseeching look.

Could I do this?  A huge resounding NO ran throughout my head, but a small flame kindled in my heart that said softly… yes.

Another small nod.

He closed his eyes, as if imprinting this moment forever in his mind. Slowly he drew near to me and gathered me slowly in his warm and comforting arms. His eyes beckoned me to consent with my heart.

All I could think of was Spot.

Spot. Jesse. His eyes, so blue and full of warmth.

And then his lips were upon mine. Caressing gently, lightly stroking fingers in my hair, a hand on my back.

And then all I could think of, see, feel, smell, taste, hear… was… William.

An emotion so full of action accumulated in my stomach, it radiated out to the tips of my fingers and my lips.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.

Author's Notes:

Song used in this chapter is by Johnny Rzeznik, I'm Still Here

And I hope you like the new chapter. I am so sorry it took me so long to update.  I know I've probably lost so many fans to my story because I haven't updated. But that's ok, because I know that they loved it once, and that's good enough for me.

I'd love for you to review, it doesn't have to be long, but I'm just letting you know that I would really appreciate some feed back since it took me a lot of time to get through my writers block for this story.

Love and Inspiration,

Jade Shintz