Disclaimer: The ever-wonderful J.K Rowling owns all but the journal idea.

~…~…~…~…~…~…~…

Chapter Fourteen: Scared

~…~…~…~…~…~…~…

Tomorrow is when everyone who left for the Holiday will be back. We're all sorry to see break come to an end; it's been so much fun.

I had an interesting conversation with James and Sirius tonight in the common room about everyone coming back and the good times we've had.

Me: "I wish we could do this all the time."

James: "Nah. If we could do this whenever we wanted, times like this wouldn't be as special. It's like Christmas lights. If they were up all year long, they wouldn't mean nearly as much at Christmas time."

Sirius: "That was deep mate."

James: (mock bow) "Thanks."

Me: "You're right though…I've enjoyed spending Christmas with all of you."

James: "Really?"

Me: "Really. You lads are my friends."

James: "I love hearing you say that."

Sirius: "Of course, he would love hearing it even more it was girlfriend, but hey! Take what you can get. What?"

James: "You're not helping."

Sirius: "I know!"

James: "Then shut up!"

James was laughing as he said that but Sirius pretended to be offended and decided to leave for bed in a huff. Before he went up the stairs, he made an announcement saying that since he'd walked as far as the stairs, he might as well just go to bed and not to let the bed bugs bite.

James and I talked for a while longer until we both decided that it would be best to go to bed since it was getting rather late.

When I returned to the room, Hestia and Emmeline were waiting for me! They stayed up to grill me about what happened in the common room between James and me. Which was nothing.

It's not that they believed that, but one can always try.

St. Valentine's Day is quickly approaching and I'm not sure what to think of it this year. Last year I couldn't wait for it to be over and now I'm looking forward to it in a warped sort of way.

I guess last year I still hated James with a vengeance, but he sorted out whatever he needed to sort out and finally became a better person. Thank Merlin.

I'm a little apprehensive about what James is going to do for St. Valentine's Day. Last year he gave me flowers and stalked me at Hogsmeade. This year, Valentine's doesn't fall on a Hogsmeade weekend, but I don't really mind. Everywhere we went, happy couples were snogging; it was slightly disturbing.

Speaking of couples, I've noticed Alice and Frank Longbottom together a lot lately. I think she's pretty happy with him. Seeing them together makes me feel a bit lonely, like a part of me is missing. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have someone like that to be with. I know I'm only sixteen, but contrary to what I may seem at times, I am a bit of a romantic at heart.

You would never know I was a romantic, would you? Not after last year at least. But I don't think a romantic is based upon whether you have lots of boyfriends and are all mushy and stuff like that. I think it's more of a feeling inside about certain things, like love for instance.

I truly believe that somewhere out there, there is someone meant for me, and only me and I will find him some day. Whether it's this year, next year, five years from now or more, I will find him, and he will find me.

I woke up this morning (St. Valentine's Day) to find a bouquet of roses intermixed with lilies-of-the-valley on my nightstand. Just like last year, but with two differences.

The first difference was that the message on the inside of the card that came with the roses was different. This year's read:

"In a sea of ordinary flowers, you are the brightest, and most beautiful of them all."

The second was that instead of disposing of the flowers like I did last year, I kept them. They're currently sitting on my nightstand in the same glass vase from last year. They smell so nice. I love lilies-of-the-valley. They're my favorite kind of flower, which everyone assumes anyway, but I love their scent and they're so tiny and perfectly white.

Hestia practically had a field day when she noticed my flowers. She and Emmeline shared knowing smiles and Alice looked thoughtful, as though she wasn't quite sure what to make of the situation.

James met me at the portrait hole and insisted in escorting me down to breakfast. I was hesitant to accept, since this is the most romantic day of the year and I didn't want him to take my saying 'yes' the wrong way.

But when he added, "As friends?" I agreed.

James: "So, did you get my flowers?"

Me: "Your flowers? I was under the impression that they were for me."

James: "All right. Did you get the flowers that I sent you?"

Me: "Yes, I did. Who's your partner in crime?"

James: "Sirius?"

Me: "No, the person who put the flowers on my nightstand."

James: "Oh. That was Hestia."

Me: "And all the other times I found things in my room?"

James: "That was Hestia."

I knew it! I had a feeling that she's been the one who's been putting stuff in our dormitory for him, like the flowers last year, and the birthday cards. Thank Merlin boys can't get up the stairs to the girls dormitories. I would hate to have seen what James would have down to me last year if he would have been able to leave that stuff there himself and be in charge of the spells.

I wonder who placed the spells on me to make me dream about him?

Number 36:

Today between Transfiguration and Defense Against the Dark Arts, James caught up to Alice and me in the hallway and asked to have a word with me.

James then stopped in the middle of the busy hallway, set his books down and took my hands in his.

James: "Lily Evans, I know you're going to say no, but being a Gryffindor, I can't do this halfway. Will you please you out with me? It would mean a lot. We've been through so much this year and it's only convinced me further that there is no other girl for me."

So there I was, stuck in the middle of a hallway with what seemed like the entire school staring at me. People actually stopped just to watch and to hear my response.

The only thought running through my mind was: "Has he completely lost it?"

My friend, James Potter, all but said he loved me. He didn't have to say it. It was implied! "No other girl for me?" Everybody watching understood perfectly.

Behind James, Hestia was mouthing, "Yes!" while Alice was watching with an amused expression, her fingers intertwined with Frank's.

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I yanked back my hands and practically ran for the classroom. A disappointed groan filled the corridor, but I hardly noticed. James's voice rang out behind me, calling my name, but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. All I knew was that I had to get out of there.

Doesn't he realize that I'm not a showy person? I don't care about fanfare and glamour. If it comes from the heart, that's the most important thing. I have no doubt that what he said was from his heart and that he meant every word, but why did he have to say it there, in front of all those people?

I had already taken my seat when James came skidding into the classroom, Sirius and Remus behind him. James was about to come over to me, but they held him back gently and said something to him that made him sit down.

Alice, Hestia and Emmeline weren't far behind them and immediately came and sat by me.

Alice: "Lily…are you okay?"

Me: "No, I'm not okay! James practically told the whole school he loved me! Would you be okay?"

Alice: "No, probably not, but this is James, Lily. The boy honestly doesn't understand the complex workings of a girl's mind. He doesn't realize that you don't care how you're asked out as long as it's sincere."

Hestia: "Lily, I'm sorry for back there. I didn't realize us taking the mickey out of you about James hurt you."

Emmeline: "Me too. Forgive us?"

I forgave them. They only had my best intentions at heart, and I can't really blame them for wanting my happiness. I guess they just got so wrapped up in trying to get me to date James that they didn't realize they were hurting me in trying to bring me happiness.

Alice and I had a nice, long conversation tonight about what happened today.

I've never really considered one of my friends to be my "best friend" but after all that's happened today, I think that Alice and I are closest. She's such a caring person, and she's been my support all through this entire ordeal with James from the start.

Me: "What do I do, Alice? He practically said he loved me!"

Alice: "You don't do anything."

Me: "But you heard him! For Merlin's sake! We're only sixteen. We don't know what love is."

Alice: "Maybe James does."

Me: "He can't."

Alice: "This sounds horribly cliché, Lily, but I think even if doesn't love you now, he will."

Me: "How do you know?"

Alice: "I can see it in his eyes. When he looks at you, when he talks to you, when he's near you."

Me: "You're just saying that."

Alice: "No, I'm not. I sincerely believe that he cares about in a way that nobody else does. I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable or obligated in any way…I'm just…calling it as I see it."

Me: "Everything is so messed up."

Alice: "There has to be more bothering you than what James said. You can tell me Lily."

Me: "I'm so confused."

Alice: "About what?"

Me: "Everything! Life, me…James."

Alice: "About what he said? Or him?"

Me: "Both."

Alice: "Lily…do you…like him?"

Me: "I don't know!"

Alice: "You don't know?"

Me: "I used to know the answer to that question, and now I don't. I honestly don't know anymore."

Alice: "All right."

Me: "You can't breath a word of this to anyone."

Alice: "I promise."

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I used to know where I stood with James and where he stood with me, but somehow, all that has changed. While I wasn't looking, something happened, and now I see him a slightly different light.

The truth is, Journal, that I'm scared. Scared that I might have feelings for James.

~…~…~…~…~…~…~…