Disclaimer: Alas, J.K Rowling owns all but the journal idea.

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Chapter Fifteen: Thinking About You

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James apologized to me today. He explained that he had been rash and that he was sorry. But while he was sorry, the things he said still hold true.

I forgave him, but I said I wouldn't go out with him. I need time to sort out my feelings and to decide just what James Potter means to me.

Today in History of Magic, I was bored and let my mind wander. It's not as though I was the only one daydreaming. I would be surprised if ten people were paying attention.

I let my mind wander to James. Bad move. Very bad move. Because, when I started thinking about him, I started staring at the back of his head. I was thinking about how I felt about him when Sirius waved a hand in front of my face.

Sirius: "You were staring at James."

Me: "No, I wasn't."

I was just admiring that way his hair looks windblown when he's indoors and how broad his shoulders are.

Sirius: "You were too! I saw you!"

Me: "You didn't see anything."

Sirius: "Yes, I did."

I decided to give him a hint and repeated what I had previously said in a low, menacing tone.

He got the hint.

I was so distracted by the fact that Sirius caught me staring at James, that I started thinking about James in Transfiguration. And once again, I started staring at him.

It's like a chain reaction!

Sad to say, it was not Sirius who caught me this time, but Professor McGonagall. I had my chin propped up in my left hand while I concentrated on the back of James's head.

McGonagall: "Miss Evans? Can you repeat what I just said please?"

Me: "Um…"

McGonagall: "I thought so. Please stop staring at Mr. Potter and pay attention, Miss Evans."

James turned around and grinned at me, as did nearly half the class. My face was practically on fire I was blushing so badly. Sirius gave me a thumbs up and Alice offered a reassuring smile while Hestia and Emmeline stared at me with their mouths open like codfish.

I spent the rest of my day firmly concentrated on my studies and I only thought of James a few times.

He's so good to me. At lunch he acted like nothing had happened and he has yet to bring up the subject in conversation. Bless.

I dreamed about him last night.

I was sitting in Transfiguration staring at—who else—James. It was just like in lessons yesterday, but when James turned around, he wasn't smiling. He was glaring at me with every sign of great dislike and it hurt me to see him regard me in that manner.

After class was over I ran up to him and began walking beside him as we made our way to the next class. He frowned at me and asked why I was walking with him. When I pointed out that I was his friend, he laughed at me.

It wasn't his usual laugh, but cold, cruel laugh that I didn't know he was capable of. "What makes you think that you and I are friends? You're nothing me to Evans! Nothing!"

I stood in the hallway long after he had left my side and everyone had emptied the corridor. I sank to the floor in tears and the next thing I knew, I was in my own bed again, silent tears streaming down my face.

It was morning and everyone else was getting ready for the day. I got ready in record time and flew down the stairs to find James at the bottom waiting for me.

When he spotted me, he gave me a huge hug, lifting me off the floor and squeezing me so hard I though he was going to break my ribs. He set me down when I told him that he was hurting me, but didn't stop hugging me. He kept me close to him and nestled his face in my hair.

Me: "James! What was that for?"

James: "I had a bad dream about us."

Me: "Me too."

James: "Really? Mine was in Transfiguration, just like yesterday, but I was awful to you. So awful, I couldn't believe myself."

Me: "I had that same dream! You don't think…"

James: "Sirius. It's gotta be. No one else knows the dream spell. I'm sorry."

Me: "I'm sorry too."

James: "What do you have to be sorry for? You haven't done anything wrong."

Me: "The way you treated me in the dream…that's the way I used to treat you. Like you were a piece of dirt. Can you ever forgive me?"

James: "I already have."

Me: "You're too nice to me. I really don't deserve it."

I felt so much better after my talk with James. That dream really scared me. I've grown so accustomed to his friendship; I don't know what I'd do without it now.

This is stupid! I cannot and will not like James. He's my friend. It's against all the rules of…everything! I won't like him. Nope. Sorry.

It's a silly infatuation and I'll get over it. Easter Break is in a week and I've decided to go home and forget about James. Well, he's my friend so I can't totally forget about him, but I can certainly forget about these confusing feelings that have suddenly appeared.

James is staying at Hogwarts for Easter. Good. That way, my mum can't invite him for tea or something like that.

He claims that he's very sad that I'm leaving and I'm sure he is, but I'm glad to be going. I need this holiday to decide just what it is I feel for my friend.

Home sweet home. There's nothing like it in the world. But, really, this isn't home. Hogwarts is home. And, I miss it along with all the people there. James included.

Today, I did all the homework the teachers assigned us over holiday. Well, I tried to at least. I kept thinking about other things.

When I was working on Transfiguration, I thought of how it's James's favorite subject and how he helped me with those four way mirrors. Of course, the mirrors reminded me of when we were in the library and got caught under the mistletoe. And then, I started thinking about the kiss.

I mentally and physically kicked myself for thinking about James and decided to work on my Charms essay instead.

I swear, everywhere I go, something reminds me of him! I walked into the kitchen this afternoon to find Mrs. Potter having tea with my mum.

It would appear that they've been having tea with each other once a week for quite a while now. Before I know it, they'll be planning our wedding.

They were actually talking about James and me! I heard something about us looking so cute together and being a good match. They sound like a couple of matchmakers. Wait…what am I talking about? They are.

An owl arrived from James carrying several Easter Eggs. They were filled with candy and they held a couple of notes, but they weren't the same kind of notes as last year. One read, "Miss you." And another read, "Can't wait to see you again."

Yuck, I just ate an extremely nasty flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean. If boogies have a flavor, that would be it. Oops. I forgot. These are magical candies, it probably is boogie flavored. I should feed one to James for sending me these things.

Plan for today: Not to think of James once.

I thought of him twice.

Once because Mrs. Potter came to tea and once because I was doing my Transfiguration. I think that the more I try not to think of him, the more I think of him. So, maybe I'll try some reverse logic and try to think of him, and then I won't.

Well, that attempt at reverse logical failed miserably. Instead of thinking about him less, I though of him even more. Bugger. All right, tomorrow, I'll not try to think of him, but I won't try not to either.

I'm not sure if today was a success or not. I did think about James a little, but not as much as I did yesterday. That reminds me, I received a letter from him today. Arrow flew in through my open window and dropped it on my head. The bird seemed to think that it was quite funny and began hooting happily and started flying around in circles close to the ceiling where I couldn't reach him.

Bloody bird.

I finally coaxed him down from the ceiling with an owl treat and made him sit on Galadriel's perch while I read James's letter and responded to it.

Dear Lily,

I miss you. And so does Sirius. And Remus. And Peter. I'm sure your other friends miss you, but seeing as they also went home for holiday, I can't ask them. But I miss you most of all. The lads are great friends, but you're something special.

Our next Quidditch match is on the Saturday after you get back. Please come and see us play. You're good luck. Speaking of which, I still have your shoe.

Well, must go. The lads want to pull some sort of prank. Nothing involving Slytherins or innocent bystanders, I promise. It's…just a little something in the common room.

Yours always,

James Potter

Dear James,

I miss all of you, too. Tell everyone I say "hello" and that I'll see them soon.

Life is rather boring without you and Sirius blowing something up or pulling some sort of prank. Speaking of pranks, just what is this prank you're going to pull? No one had better be hurt in the process, including yourself and Sirius.

Of course I'll come to your next match. You thought I would pass up an opportunity to watch you play? Don't let that statement go to your head, now.

Petunia is a nightmare. She avoids me like the plague and only stays in the same room with me if mum or dad forces her to. She has a new boyfriend named Vernon. What kind of a name is that? It sounds old and stuffy and boring. Don't you think so?

I have to go now; I have to work in my garden. I'm planting some of the lilies you gave me.

Always,

Lily Evans

I arrived back at Hogwarts today to be greeted by James flinging himself at me and knocking both of us to the ground. It's a good thing we landed on the grass because the cement would have hurt.

As it was, he landed on top of me and accidentally knocked his head against my forehead, which really hurt.

He helped me up and kissed my forehead to "make it better". My forehead is tingling where his lips touched my skin. Why did he have to do that? It just confuses me more.

I'm…lost…confused…puzzled…perplexed…baffled…mystified…bewildered…bemused…befuddled…and…. confused. Oh, so very confused.

Sometimes, I think I like James, other times I don't know, and the rest of the time I think I don't like him. When did life get so difficult to figure out? It used to be so easy. It was yes or no, there didn't used to be a maybe or an unsure. But, now there is. And I don't know what to do about it.

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READ THIS! Hey everyone! After this story is over, I'm thinking about writing a counterpart story to this one. I would call it, "This is Not a Journal" and it would be James's journal instead of Lily's. Would anyone want to read that or would it be…not a good idea? Please, please, let me know! I want honest opinions!

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