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Atari420, Fallen Dragon, Wytil and kc for reviewing and either leaving
comments or suggestions or both! I take everything into account and I am
thankful to you all for helping me with this fic, and answering my
question! You certainly made the decision easy!
I'm pretty sure that there was only one out of 59 reviews who actually asked for Harry to not call Severus 'Dad'. So sorry to that person but as you can clearly see, the majority have chosen!
Also this is a longer chapter as you can see, it's because I wanted to get this all out in one chapter, instead of dragging it out to two or more.
A Different Life
Chapter 22 - Pushing Away
Severus awoke as the first rays of light started to hit his face. It was very annoying, Severus did not like to be woken up early. He now knew how Harry seemed to always be up and about early morning. He had his own day break alarm.
He looked at Harry and was a bit surprised to see him in the same position as when he had fallen asleep, although so was Severus, not that he was able to move much anyway.
Severus' stomach growling took him out of his thoughts, he was grateful that Harry was still asleep; otherwise it would have been a bit embarrassing.
Severus was in a bind; he could stay where he was with Harry, or he could risk the chance of waking Harry up and move down to the kitchen, therefore making his stomach shut up.
In the end his stomach won out, but only because it was growling so loudly that he was sure that if he stayed put he would end up waking Harry anyway.
He slowly swung the leg that Harry wasn't sleeping on over the side of the bed, wincing as he heard his back crack. It was definitely not a great idea to sleep like that too often.
He slowly and gently un-raveled Harry's hands that were around his other leg and placed them next to his leg, but under the covers to keep them warm.
And then came Harry's head, which was going to be the hard one to move.
He carefully slid his leg out from under his head, replacing it with a pillow as he went.
Two loud stomach growls later he was free.
Severus walked out of the room, he was starving. The only thing he had eaten the previous day was some toast that he had for breakfast.
Once in the kitchen Severus ate in silence, contemplating what had happened the previous day. Severus may not have known anyone in the accident, but it was still quite a shock to see it. Strange how one single accident can cause so many too loose their life, one person's mistake to change the lives of many.
******************************************
Severus continued to check on Harry throughout the rest of the day, but he remained asleep, well at least he remained pretending to be asleep. Severus knew that he should let Harry have some time to himself, but seeing as Harry hadn't eaten for quite a while, Severus walked over him and lightly shook his shoulder.
"Come on Harry, its time to get up"
Harry just snuggled further into his bed and under the covers.
"Harry..." Severus warned
Harry remained silent and still.
Severus sighed and then grabbed hold of the covers, and in one swift motion he pulled them back and onto the ground so Harry couldn't bring them back over him.
Harry was in a small ball. Severus had to stop and marvel at his size, he was still so small for his age, and light. Severus still had little problem carrying him around.
Just as Severus was about to say something else in the hopes that Harry would actually reply Harry beat him to it.
"Am I bad?"
"What do you mean?" Severus asked, sitting down next to Harry on the bed who was still in a ball position.
Harry slowly sat up next to Severus, keeping close to him.
"Well, I keep thinking back to when the accident happened, and all I can remember is wishing that Dudley hadn't been there, even now I wish Dudley was okay."
"That's normal Harry, it doesn't mean you are bad to have those thoughts"
"Yeah, but Dudley wasn't the only one in that accident. Loads of people died. I haven't mourned their deaths. I don't really even spare a second thought to them... I haven't even spared a second thought to my aunt... My aunt died in that accident as well, yet I don't feel any loss by it. Isn't that wrong"
"Harry, all that means is you are human."
"But-"
"No buts Harry"
Harry sighed, the same sigh that Severus found himself doing a lot.
"Do you hate me?"
"Why would I hate you?"
"Bringing you so much trouble"
"Firstly trouble seems to find you..."
Harry smiled a bit at that, but it was still a weak one
"And secondly, I don't hate you, I... I love you, you are my son, and I'm proud of you. You have taken on more then I think an adult could sometimes handle and you do it well."
Harry looked up at Severus and could tell he was speaking the truth.
Harry smiled the only real smile he had since the accident. "I love you too"
Severus smiled and ruffled his hair while he stood up.
"Now come on, go down to the kitchen and you will see some highly greasy food waiting for you to eat. All my hard work of bulking you up is going to waste at the moment. I'll stay back and fix your sheets up."
Harry smiled again and he too got up off the bed, walking towards the doorway. Just as he was about to leave he turned back around.
"Thanks... Dad" Harry added that in and was wondering if he was pushing it a bit too far, he had said it once before, but had never repeated it since.
Severus stopped half way from picking up the sheets he had chucked onto the floor and looked up at Harry. He could see the hope and fear that that one word brought to him. Hope that Severus would accept him, and the fear that he might not.
Severus smiled at Harry. "No need to thank me Harry"
Harry smiled back, his fear melting away from him and he walked out of the room and into the kitchen.
*****************************************
After Severus had finished re-making Harry's bed he entered the kitchen to find that Harry was nowhere in sight. He looked at the plate that he had left for Harry and saw that not much had been eaten, but enough that Harry could get by.
He threw the food away and put the plate in the sink.
He walked into the next room and saw Harry sitting on the ground patting Owl, but he seemed in a trance, staring but not really looking at anything.
"You okay Harry?"
He didn't receive an answer
"Harry? What's wrong?"
After waiting for several minutes and not getting a single answer from Harry, he walked into the room and bent down so he was in front of him.
"Harry..."
Still nothing.
"What's wrong Harry?"
All Harry did was shrug his shoulders.
Severus refrained himself from saying something he might regret later and left the room. He never did have a lot of patience.
He went and did the only thing he could think to do to calm his nerves, he started making a potion, all the while wondering what had happened between when he last saw Harry, and just then, the potion making happening out of habit, so he didn't really have to focus on it.
He was brought out of his concentration by a noise. He looked up to see Remus in the doorway, looking a bit annoyed.
"Did you say something?"
Remus just rolled his eyes, he had been trying to get Severus' attention for a few minutes.
Severus then realized that it had been quite a while since he had started making the potion, it was already dark outside.
"Where's Harry?"
Severus shrugged "Probably his room."
"Oh" Remus turned to go when Severus spoke again.
"Why don't you be of some use and see if you can find out what is wrong with him."
"What do you mean?"
"He won't talk to me"
"Why won't-"
"I don't know Lupin! That's why I'm asking you to find out what is wrong with him" Severus cut Remus off, annoyance taking over.
"Well what did you do?"
"What makes you think I did anything" Severus snapped
Remus opened his mouth to reply but didn't get far enough to actually say anything.
"Oh shut up and go talk to him"
"You do know you just told me to shut up and talk in the same sentence."
Severus glared at Remus, one that sent him leaving the second he saw it.
"Lupin wait!" Severus called out a second later.
When Remus poked his head back in the doorway Severus proceeded to tell him what had happened the day before, knowing that he would probably go and talk to Harry all cheerfully, not realizing that Harry was not upset over just a messily detention.
***************************
"Harry?"
Remus walked into his room and turned the light on,
He saw Harry sitting in the far corner of the room
Remus walked over and sat next to him.
"Harry... I'm so sorry. Nobody should have to see what you saw, nobody... or should they have to experience the sort of lose that you have"
Harry sniffled.
"Harry if you need someone to talk too, I'm here. Believe me, I know what it's like. I've been through this many times... I went through what you're going through right now when your parents died."
Harry nodded, finally looking over at him.
"How are you holding up?"
"Okay I guess..." Harry answered
After a few minutes of silence Remus finally asked "Are you mad at Severus?"
Harry shook his head.
"Then why aren't you talking to him?"
Harry shrugged.
"You're trying to push him away aren't you?"
"I'm not-"
"Yes you are, believe me Harry, I've tried to do that before, it doesn't work."
Harry sighed, starting to get a bit annoyed "He's Severus, he's my dad, I can't loose him too,"
"Harry you're not going to loose him"
Harry didn't answer
"Harry you need him."
"I'm doing him a favour"
"How is pushing him away doing him a favour?"
"I'm cursed, or something like it"
"Who told you that?"
"No one had to tell me Remus, it's obvious. Maybe when your family starts dying until you have none left you might understand me!" Harry answered, getting frustrated, his voice increasing in volume.
"Harry! Severus is your family... I'm your family."
"You know what I mean Remus... first my parents, then my Aunt and Dudley. I don't want you or dad to get hurt" Harry said, not realizing what he had just called Severus in front of Remus.
Remus was a bit shocked at hearing Harry refer to Severus as 'Dad'. Harry had sort of earlier in the conversation, but that was the first time he had heard him refer to him solely as that. But it was to be expected, Severus was a father to him, he had raised him since he was only 5, and strangely enough Remus wasn't too upset about Harry calling him that.
"Harry, pushing Severus away isn't the way to solving this."
After a few minutes of silence Harry finally answered.
"I know..." Harry turned his head away as tears started to freely fall down his face. "It just... It hurts so badly"
Remus' heart broke.
"Come here" Remus reached out and pulled Harry into a bone crushing hug.
After 20minutes had past and they still hadn't moved, Remus decided that it was best if he went. He had to speak to Dumbledore early the next morning.
"Now it's getting late, so you should probably get some rest. I want you to remember what I said okay Harry"
Harry nodded as he wiped away the tears that were still all over his face.
Remus helped Harry into bed, kissing his forehead before leaving.
***
Remus walked into the kitchen where Severus was currently staring into space. He had obviously finished his potion.
When Remus entered Severus threw him a questioning look.
"Well..."
Remus leaned against the door frame and answered casually. "He'll come around, he's just afraid of losing you. You really mean a lot to him."
Severus nodded, going back to his coffee that he had in his hand and taking a sip.
"I have to say that it was a bit of a shock when he referred to you as 'Dad'."
Severus quickly looked up at Remus to see if he was angry at all about it, after all it was James Potter's son who was calling him 'Dad'. But Remus didn't seem to be really that fussed about it.
"If someone had told me 10-15 years ago that James' son would be calling you that, I would have sent them to St Mungo's without a moment's hesitation."
Severus smiled at that, it was true. He would have probably hexed them for saying such a thing and then sent them there.
"Well I best be off, if there are any problems just floo me, and I'll be around to visit later."
Severus nodded to show that he was okay with that and Remus left.
After cleaning up the day's mess in the kitchen, Severus made his way up to bed.
He paused at Harry's door, wondering if he should go in and see him or not. But after thinking about it he decided to leave him, when Harry was ready to see him he would.
Severus then entered his room and quickly got changed, finally falling onto his bed after a long day, falling asleep.
***
Harry lay in his bed thinking. Was letting Severus get so close to him worth the risk of getting his heart broken? He knew that he wouldn't be able to cope if he died. Was he willing to put that risk out there, and willingly love Severus? But he realized that no matter how far he pushed him away, he would still be just as devastated if he died. What was the point in holding back?
Harry slowly got up and walked out of his room.
He walked over to the door just opposite his own and slowly opened it.
He could see his father's sleeping figure in the dark. He slowly crept over and climbed up onto the bed. Waking Severus up as the bed moved with his sudden weight on it.
"Harry?" Severus asked, squinting his eyes to see him in the dark. He sat up a bit and leaned back on his elbows.
Harry only snuggled into Severus, laying his head on the edge of Severus' chest.
Severus lay back down, bringing his arm around Harry, both falling asleep within minutes.
No words were needed to be said.
I'm pretty sure that there was only one out of 59 reviews who actually asked for Harry to not call Severus 'Dad'. So sorry to that person but as you can clearly see, the majority have chosen!
Also this is a longer chapter as you can see, it's because I wanted to get this all out in one chapter, instead of dragging it out to two or more.
A Different Life
Chapter 22 - Pushing Away
Severus awoke as the first rays of light started to hit his face. It was very annoying, Severus did not like to be woken up early. He now knew how Harry seemed to always be up and about early morning. He had his own day break alarm.
He looked at Harry and was a bit surprised to see him in the same position as when he had fallen asleep, although so was Severus, not that he was able to move much anyway.
Severus' stomach growling took him out of his thoughts, he was grateful that Harry was still asleep; otherwise it would have been a bit embarrassing.
Severus was in a bind; he could stay where he was with Harry, or he could risk the chance of waking Harry up and move down to the kitchen, therefore making his stomach shut up.
In the end his stomach won out, but only because it was growling so loudly that he was sure that if he stayed put he would end up waking Harry anyway.
He slowly swung the leg that Harry wasn't sleeping on over the side of the bed, wincing as he heard his back crack. It was definitely not a great idea to sleep like that too often.
He slowly and gently un-raveled Harry's hands that were around his other leg and placed them next to his leg, but under the covers to keep them warm.
And then came Harry's head, which was going to be the hard one to move.
He carefully slid his leg out from under his head, replacing it with a pillow as he went.
Two loud stomach growls later he was free.
Severus walked out of the room, he was starving. The only thing he had eaten the previous day was some toast that he had for breakfast.
Once in the kitchen Severus ate in silence, contemplating what had happened the previous day. Severus may not have known anyone in the accident, but it was still quite a shock to see it. Strange how one single accident can cause so many too loose their life, one person's mistake to change the lives of many.
******************************************
Severus continued to check on Harry throughout the rest of the day, but he remained asleep, well at least he remained pretending to be asleep. Severus knew that he should let Harry have some time to himself, but seeing as Harry hadn't eaten for quite a while, Severus walked over him and lightly shook his shoulder.
"Come on Harry, its time to get up"
Harry just snuggled further into his bed and under the covers.
"Harry..." Severus warned
Harry remained silent and still.
Severus sighed and then grabbed hold of the covers, and in one swift motion he pulled them back and onto the ground so Harry couldn't bring them back over him.
Harry was in a small ball. Severus had to stop and marvel at his size, he was still so small for his age, and light. Severus still had little problem carrying him around.
Just as Severus was about to say something else in the hopes that Harry would actually reply Harry beat him to it.
"Am I bad?"
"What do you mean?" Severus asked, sitting down next to Harry on the bed who was still in a ball position.
Harry slowly sat up next to Severus, keeping close to him.
"Well, I keep thinking back to when the accident happened, and all I can remember is wishing that Dudley hadn't been there, even now I wish Dudley was okay."
"That's normal Harry, it doesn't mean you are bad to have those thoughts"
"Yeah, but Dudley wasn't the only one in that accident. Loads of people died. I haven't mourned their deaths. I don't really even spare a second thought to them... I haven't even spared a second thought to my aunt... My aunt died in that accident as well, yet I don't feel any loss by it. Isn't that wrong"
"Harry, all that means is you are human."
"But-"
"No buts Harry"
Harry sighed, the same sigh that Severus found himself doing a lot.
"Do you hate me?"
"Why would I hate you?"
"Bringing you so much trouble"
"Firstly trouble seems to find you..."
Harry smiled a bit at that, but it was still a weak one
"And secondly, I don't hate you, I... I love you, you are my son, and I'm proud of you. You have taken on more then I think an adult could sometimes handle and you do it well."
Harry looked up at Severus and could tell he was speaking the truth.
Harry smiled the only real smile he had since the accident. "I love you too"
Severus smiled and ruffled his hair while he stood up.
"Now come on, go down to the kitchen and you will see some highly greasy food waiting for you to eat. All my hard work of bulking you up is going to waste at the moment. I'll stay back and fix your sheets up."
Harry smiled again and he too got up off the bed, walking towards the doorway. Just as he was about to leave he turned back around.
"Thanks... Dad" Harry added that in and was wondering if he was pushing it a bit too far, he had said it once before, but had never repeated it since.
Severus stopped half way from picking up the sheets he had chucked onto the floor and looked up at Harry. He could see the hope and fear that that one word brought to him. Hope that Severus would accept him, and the fear that he might not.
Severus smiled at Harry. "No need to thank me Harry"
Harry smiled back, his fear melting away from him and he walked out of the room and into the kitchen.
*****************************************
After Severus had finished re-making Harry's bed he entered the kitchen to find that Harry was nowhere in sight. He looked at the plate that he had left for Harry and saw that not much had been eaten, but enough that Harry could get by.
He threw the food away and put the plate in the sink.
He walked into the next room and saw Harry sitting on the ground patting Owl, but he seemed in a trance, staring but not really looking at anything.
"You okay Harry?"
He didn't receive an answer
"Harry? What's wrong?"
After waiting for several minutes and not getting a single answer from Harry, he walked into the room and bent down so he was in front of him.
"Harry..."
Still nothing.
"What's wrong Harry?"
All Harry did was shrug his shoulders.
Severus refrained himself from saying something he might regret later and left the room. He never did have a lot of patience.
He went and did the only thing he could think to do to calm his nerves, he started making a potion, all the while wondering what had happened between when he last saw Harry, and just then, the potion making happening out of habit, so he didn't really have to focus on it.
He was brought out of his concentration by a noise. He looked up to see Remus in the doorway, looking a bit annoyed.
"Did you say something?"
Remus just rolled his eyes, he had been trying to get Severus' attention for a few minutes.
Severus then realized that it had been quite a while since he had started making the potion, it was already dark outside.
"Where's Harry?"
Severus shrugged "Probably his room."
"Oh" Remus turned to go when Severus spoke again.
"Why don't you be of some use and see if you can find out what is wrong with him."
"What do you mean?"
"He won't talk to me"
"Why won't-"
"I don't know Lupin! That's why I'm asking you to find out what is wrong with him" Severus cut Remus off, annoyance taking over.
"Well what did you do?"
"What makes you think I did anything" Severus snapped
Remus opened his mouth to reply but didn't get far enough to actually say anything.
"Oh shut up and go talk to him"
"You do know you just told me to shut up and talk in the same sentence."
Severus glared at Remus, one that sent him leaving the second he saw it.
"Lupin wait!" Severus called out a second later.
When Remus poked his head back in the doorway Severus proceeded to tell him what had happened the day before, knowing that he would probably go and talk to Harry all cheerfully, not realizing that Harry was not upset over just a messily detention.
***************************
"Harry?"
Remus walked into his room and turned the light on,
He saw Harry sitting in the far corner of the room
Remus walked over and sat next to him.
"Harry... I'm so sorry. Nobody should have to see what you saw, nobody... or should they have to experience the sort of lose that you have"
Harry sniffled.
"Harry if you need someone to talk too, I'm here. Believe me, I know what it's like. I've been through this many times... I went through what you're going through right now when your parents died."
Harry nodded, finally looking over at him.
"How are you holding up?"
"Okay I guess..." Harry answered
After a few minutes of silence Remus finally asked "Are you mad at Severus?"
Harry shook his head.
"Then why aren't you talking to him?"
Harry shrugged.
"You're trying to push him away aren't you?"
"I'm not-"
"Yes you are, believe me Harry, I've tried to do that before, it doesn't work."
Harry sighed, starting to get a bit annoyed "He's Severus, he's my dad, I can't loose him too,"
"Harry you're not going to loose him"
Harry didn't answer
"Harry you need him."
"I'm doing him a favour"
"How is pushing him away doing him a favour?"
"I'm cursed, or something like it"
"Who told you that?"
"No one had to tell me Remus, it's obvious. Maybe when your family starts dying until you have none left you might understand me!" Harry answered, getting frustrated, his voice increasing in volume.
"Harry! Severus is your family... I'm your family."
"You know what I mean Remus... first my parents, then my Aunt and Dudley. I don't want you or dad to get hurt" Harry said, not realizing what he had just called Severus in front of Remus.
Remus was a bit shocked at hearing Harry refer to Severus as 'Dad'. Harry had sort of earlier in the conversation, but that was the first time he had heard him refer to him solely as that. But it was to be expected, Severus was a father to him, he had raised him since he was only 5, and strangely enough Remus wasn't too upset about Harry calling him that.
"Harry, pushing Severus away isn't the way to solving this."
After a few minutes of silence Harry finally answered.
"I know..." Harry turned his head away as tears started to freely fall down his face. "It just... It hurts so badly"
Remus' heart broke.
"Come here" Remus reached out and pulled Harry into a bone crushing hug.
After 20minutes had past and they still hadn't moved, Remus decided that it was best if he went. He had to speak to Dumbledore early the next morning.
"Now it's getting late, so you should probably get some rest. I want you to remember what I said okay Harry"
Harry nodded as he wiped away the tears that were still all over his face.
Remus helped Harry into bed, kissing his forehead before leaving.
***
Remus walked into the kitchen where Severus was currently staring into space. He had obviously finished his potion.
When Remus entered Severus threw him a questioning look.
"Well..."
Remus leaned against the door frame and answered casually. "He'll come around, he's just afraid of losing you. You really mean a lot to him."
Severus nodded, going back to his coffee that he had in his hand and taking a sip.
"I have to say that it was a bit of a shock when he referred to you as 'Dad'."
Severus quickly looked up at Remus to see if he was angry at all about it, after all it was James Potter's son who was calling him 'Dad'. But Remus didn't seem to be really that fussed about it.
"If someone had told me 10-15 years ago that James' son would be calling you that, I would have sent them to St Mungo's without a moment's hesitation."
Severus smiled at that, it was true. He would have probably hexed them for saying such a thing and then sent them there.
"Well I best be off, if there are any problems just floo me, and I'll be around to visit later."
Severus nodded to show that he was okay with that and Remus left.
After cleaning up the day's mess in the kitchen, Severus made his way up to bed.
He paused at Harry's door, wondering if he should go in and see him or not. But after thinking about it he decided to leave him, when Harry was ready to see him he would.
Severus then entered his room and quickly got changed, finally falling onto his bed after a long day, falling asleep.
***
Harry lay in his bed thinking. Was letting Severus get so close to him worth the risk of getting his heart broken? He knew that he wouldn't be able to cope if he died. Was he willing to put that risk out there, and willingly love Severus? But he realized that no matter how far he pushed him away, he would still be just as devastated if he died. What was the point in holding back?
Harry slowly got up and walked out of his room.
He walked over to the door just opposite his own and slowly opened it.
He could see his father's sleeping figure in the dark. He slowly crept over and climbed up onto the bed. Waking Severus up as the bed moved with his sudden weight on it.
"Harry?" Severus asked, squinting his eyes to see him in the dark. He sat up a bit and leaned back on his elbows.
Harry only snuggled into Severus, laying his head on the edge of Severus' chest.
Severus lay back down, bringing his arm around Harry, both falling asleep within minutes.
No words were needed to be said.