Disclaimer: Alas, J.K Rowling owns all but the journal idea.

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Chapter Seventeen: Defeat

This chapter is dedicated to bluestar, who thought that Lily should know that James saved Snape's life and for the wonderful reviews that always inspire me and make me smile.

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It hasn't even been an entire day into summer break and I've already received a letter from James. A side note: Arrow seems to enjoy dropping letters on my head.

Dear Lily,

How are you? I'm fine. How has your summer been?

Mum and I were wondering if you and your family would like to come for dinner on Sunday afternoon. Please, please come. Sirius is already driving me crazy. If you think he's bad at school, try living with him day in and day out.

Most of the time he's not too bad, but when he gets bored, watch out!

Please send me your reply as soon as humanly possible!

Sincerely,

James

I sent Arrow back with a message that I would see James and his family on Sunday and that I was looking forward to seeing him and Sirius.

Notice that I said both him and Sirius. I can't let myself think of James in that manner. I just can't. It's all part of my plan to forget about James. I must stick to the plan no matter what.

At approximately 6:30, my family (minus Petunia) arrived at the Potter's house. Petunia opted to visit her friend Yvonne instead. I think she remembered the last time we had dinner there when Sirius and James slipped pepper imps into her tea.

I really didn't mind that she didn't come. I didn't need her to observe me around James. She's quite good at reading people like that when she wants to. She's always suspected that I liked James, but that was just because he's a wizard and she expects me to marry a wizard and have children with magical abilities. I swear it's her worst fear.

In any case, we rang the doorbell and almost immediately the door flew open and James came bounding out and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.

It would seem that he'd been watching through the front window, waiting for me to arrive.

I returned his hug, but not quite to the extent he would have liked, I'm sure. My parents were standing right there and besides that, hugging him is dangerous.

Dangerous? Yes, dangerous. I tend to forget myself in James's arms. He's so strong, but he holds me like I might break at any moment. Plus, there's the fact that he smells like the Quidditch field after it rains.

Well, after Quidditch practice he smells like sweat and grass, which can be less than pleasant when he sits next you and tries to give you a hug when he knows that you think he stinks.

But today, he smelled nice, and I wanted to bury my face in his shoulder and breathe it all in, but as I said, my parents were standing right there and my mum doesn't exactly need any encouragement to think that I like James.

After greeting my parents and showing them to the sitting room where Mr. and Mrs. Potter were waiting, he grabbed my hand, insisting that he had something special to show me. We met Sirius on the landing and James pulled him along too.

We finally reached James's room and he led us over to a corner table on which sat a new record player with several records randomly stacked next to it.

James: "Isn't it great?"

Me: "Wow. You actually bought one."

Last summer when he said that he was going to buy a record player, I really didn't think he was serious. Guess I was wrong.

James: "Of course it did! I love it!"

Sirius: "I really didn't want to bring it up, Prongs, but…I can't let this go on any longer."

James: "What?"

Sirius: "This record player is ruining my health."

James: "It's what?"

Sirius: "Ruining my health."

James: "How?"

And I thought that James was lying when he said that Sirius was driving him nuts.

Sirius: "I understand that you really like this thing and that that one song is very near and dear to you, but honestly, try to limit your listening."

Me: "How does that affect your health?"

Sirius: "He plays the bloody thing all the time. Even at night!"

James: "I do not!"

Sirius: "Oh, I'm sorry. That sound coming from your room at approximately 12:30 last night couldn't possibly have been "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by those Beatle people. My bad. I reckon I need my hearing checked."

James turned a bright pink color, but made no retaliation other than scrunching up his nose in Sirius's direction.

Sirius: "Speaking of hearing things, I could have sworn I heard someone singing "I'll Get You" this morning in the shower at six o'clock."

James: "You heard me?"

Sirius: "Mate, you were signing so obnoxiously loud that I'm surprised the neighbors didn't complain."

James: "What neighbors?"

Sirius: "…fair point…Oh, you should have been here Lily. It was quite the concert."

James: "Lets go outside, shall we? It's really nice outside today."

Sirius made sure that James left the room before he did to avoid being whacked in the head by James, who was still a very bright shade of red.

Would you believe that James has a mini Quidditch field in his backyard? Of course you would; this is James. Sirius wanted to play a quick game so he and James had a bit of scrimmage while I watched. I was wearing a skirt, so riding a broomstick really wasn't an option.

Watching them play was fairly amusing, though. This wasn't an official match, so they didn't exactly follow the rules. They frequently used creative tactics to maneuver around the other. Sirius kept waving at me so that James would turn around to look at me, and by then Sirius was at the opposite end of the pitch.

After James had redeemed himself and thoroughly trounced Sirius we walked around the grounds, which are very pretty. I found myself blushing when Sirius pointed out James's lily garden. He told me that James tends the garden himself.

Sirius had to dodge James's swipe at him and walked backwards, facing us as he told me that Mrs. Potter takes care of all the other plants, but no one except James is allowed to so much as touch the lily garden.

Dinner was excellent, courtesy of the house-elves that have residence at the Potter house. There must be an entire army living there considering the size of the house.

We were forced to sit and talk about school and other boring topics. Eventually, Mum and Mrs. Potter got to talking about something that kept them quite occupied and Dad and Mr. Potter were discussing football teams.

Once the parents were busy, we quietly slipped out and decided to go back outside since it such a nice night with a bit of a breeze. James thought that I'd be cold in my short-sleeved shirt, so he summoned one of his jackets from his room. It was a deep navy blue color with the name Silver Arrows on the back and a silver arrow on the back going through the letters.

Seeing that James's height of six foot one is quite a bit more than my five feet four, the jacket was kind of big on me, but it was warm and I was grateful for it.

For a boy who thought it was too chilly for short sleeves, both he and Sirius had short sleeves on and neither one of them mentioned it being cold or needing something warmer on. Something tells me he wasn't just concerned about me being cold.

When it was time to leave, James pulled me to the side and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug, telling me that he'd see me soon.

I completely forgotten that I was wearing James's Arrows jacket and I accidentally left his house still wearing it. Looking back, I think he knew I still had it on, because he had a quirky smile on his face and Sirius was nudging him in the ribs. That prat. He let me walk off with his coat! By the way, I mean 'that prat' in the best sense.

To be truthful, I don't really mind. The jacket smells just like him.

I'm not doing very well at this forgetting James thing, am I? Bugger.

Well, it's been over a week since I saw James, but I've received two letters from him and one from Sirius.

While James's letters were nice and I enjoyed reading them, Sirius's letter was the best. It was a plea for me to ask James to stop trying to kill him. It would seem that James wasn't very pleased with Sirius after Sunday night. I can't imagine why.

Yesterday, I had Alice over to spend the night. We got to talking and inevitably, the conversation turned to James.

Alice: "I can't help but wonder what you would do if you did like James."

Me: "I dunno…I probably wouldn't do anything."

Alice: "Just like you're doing right now?"

Me: "Exactly."

I didn't mean to let it slip, really I didn't it, it just…popped out.

Alice: "So you admit you like him!"

Me: "That's not fair! You tricked me!"

Alice: "Sorry, but I had to know!"

Me: "You can't tell Hestia or Emmeline or anyone at all for that matter."

Alice: "I won't, I promise."

I trust Alice, she won't tell anyone. Everyone in our dormitory tells her their secrets, but she never so much as breathes a word.

Alice: "So, you're not going to tell him how you feel?"

Me: "No, I'm trying to forget my feelings for him."

Alice: "Why? What's wrong with liking James? He's a great lad to like."

Me: "He's my friend."

Alice: "And you're his friend, but he still worships the ground you walk on."

Me: "But…"

Alice: "So, if there's nothing wrong with liking him besides the fact that you're friends, what's wrong with liking James?"

Me: "I'm scared."

Alice: "Of what?"

Me: "Scared of my feelings for him…scared that if I admit I like him that…"

Alice: "That he'll stop liking you?"

Me: "Yeah."

I've never written it, but it's true. I'm scared that if I tell James how I feel about him and we start going out, he'll loose interest in me and find some other girl to chase. I know that James isn't that kind of person, but there's always that nasty little voice in the back of your head telling you what could go wrong.

Alice: "You know what they say, "It is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all."

To have loved? I don't love him! I certainly like him, but loved is way too strong a word to describe what James and I have. Have? We don't even have anything! Well, we have a friendship, but I'm rambling.

Me: "I don't love James!"

Alice: "I wasn't saying you did, I was just quoting a few words of wisdom. Give him a chance, Lily. He might surprise you."

We continued to talk about boys: James, Frank, Remus, Sirius, and other random members of the Hogwarts male population.

Frank is graduating this year and next year he's going to start training to become an Auror. I can tell that Alice is going to miss him. I would bet money that those two will end up married; they're so perfect together.

James…I hardly know what to think of my friend any more. I don't have those moments that I think I don't like him. Those moments are long gone.

I like James. A lot.

But, I haven't the faintest idea of how to go about telling him of my feelings. I can't just walk up to him one day and say "Hey, James! Guess what? I really like you!"

No way. Not happening.

I know it's the 70s and maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think the boy should do the asking out.

Wait a minute…did I just say that I didn't know how to tell him that I fancy him? And did I basically just write that I was waiting for him to ask me out?

Oh heavens.

I admit defeat. I've been trying all bloody summer, but I can't get rid of these feelings that I carry inside. They just won't go away.

What am I going to do?

I'm not going to get over my feelings for James anytime soon, so I might as well embrace them. The next time he asks me out, I am going to say 'yes'.

Today, on this lovely Friday afternoon, mum invited the Potters and Sirius to come over and have tea in the garden. I was assigned the job of opening the door and showing them to the garden.

Mrs. Potter wanted to see my garden, which I thought was a little odd, but I agreed to show it to her nonetheless. Once we got out of hearing range of everyone else she stared talking. Really talking.

She wanted to thank me. She said that my influence on James had been a profound one and that she was very glad I came into his life. I tried to assure her that I really didn't do anything, but she insisted that I did. She said that I helped James to grow up and become a better person.

I think I mumbled something that resembled a 'thanks', but I can't be sure.

She then started talking out how she had always wanted a daughter and perhaps someday, I would become something like a daughter to her. Of course, she didn't say it exactly like that, but she basically said that she hoped James and I end up married.

We returned to the rest of group and Sirius, having never seen a Muggle household, wanted a tour. He found it very odd that none of our pictures moved and decided to prod them with his wand to try and make them come to life. Needless to say, it didn't work. All that he accomplished was nearly burning a hole in the wall.

James stopped in front of a picture of me at Easter time when I was about five. I was wearing a white dress with a big bow in the back and pigtails in my frizzy hair.

Me: "Oh, don't look at that picture. It's terrible."

James: "Nah, you look cute in the picture."

Sirius started laughing, muffling the sound with both of his hands. James turned a rather impressive shade of pink, but didn't make any moves to repeal his words. I found that slightly comforting.

While showing Sirius my room, he wandered over to my record player and sorted through my collection of records. He let out a triumphant "Ha!" and held up a Beatles record. It was, of course, the record with "I'll Get You" on it. Go figure.

On my nightstand, I have several pictures of my friends and me. One in particular, has Me, James, Emmeline, Hestia, Alice, Remus, Sirius and Peter in it around one of the couches in the common room. All of us girls are seated and the boys are standing behind us, pretending to pull our hair or giving us bunny ears.

All of the boys except James. Photo James stands behind photo me, leaning down, whispering in my ear and running his fingers through my hair.

Sirius was very amused by this picture. He actually took out his wand and prodded James in the picture and told it to "Kiss her you prat!"

And photo James did. He tipped back the head of photo me and kissed me on the mouth. And do you know what photo me did?

I kissed him back! Everyone in the picture starting clapping and whistling!

I'll never hear the end of this one, I can assure you.

After tea, James got to talking about sport with my dad, and Sirius wanted to look at my record collection again. So, I took Sirius back upstairs to my room.

But instead of looking at my records, he sat down on my bed. He patted the spot next to him, and I sat down by him. He took me by the shoulders and peered into my eyes for a moment before letting out a low whistle.

Sirius: "You fancy James."

He didn't say it as a question, he merely stated it, like he was remarking on what a nice day it was.

Me: "No, I don't."

Sirius: "Oh, but you do. Alice told me."

Me: "I'm going to kill her! She swore she wouldn't tell anyone!"

Sirius's face broke into a wide smile and he began cackling and I realized with a sense of guilt that Alice hadn't betrayed me; he had made that up to get the information he wanted.

Sirius: "Merlin, help us all. Lily, you've got to tell him. The poor boy is just about going spare. He walks around in some sort of…trance. He has your picture on his nightstand!"

Me: "My picture?"

Sirius: "No, McGonagall's. Yes, yours. Who else's picture do you think he'd have?"

Me: "But…"

Sirius: "But what? If you fancy him, and he obviously fancies you, what's the big deal?"

Me: "He has to make the first move."

Sirius: "We aren't old fashioned, are we?"

Me: But it's more romantic that way."

Sirius: "What? I'm confused…so, if Prongs – I mean James, asks you out, you'll say yes?"

Me: "If he asks the right way."

Sirius: "Why do you have to be so picky? Merlin's beard! What does James see in you? Oh well, I love you anyway. As a sister. So…can I have a hint of how he's supposed to go about asking you out?"

Me: "Nope. He'll figure it out."

Sirius: "I hope so. Otherwise I'll have to hear about it for the rest of time."

Like I told Sirius, I think James will think of a good, simple way to ask me out. I'm not asking for anything elaborate, just plain old simple and sweet.

I'm too orthodox. I can't make the first move. It has to be James. I guess this is more of my romantic side coming through. I've always felt that the guy has to do the asking. Besides, I think that it would ruin everything. James has been trying to get me to go out with him for almost two years and if I asked him out instead of the other way around, it just wouldn't be the same. He's worked so hard to get where he is; I don't want to take it away from him.

I still have James's Arrows jacket. I accidentally (or not so accidentally) forgot to give it back on Friday.

Today, I received my Hogwarts letter and guess what?

I made Head Girl! One of my life goals is achieved!

I wonder who the Head Boy is? I bet it's Remus. I'll owl him now and find out.

Well, Remus just sent me back a reply saying that he isn't Head Boy and that he's quite glad, actually. However, he does know who the Head Boy is.

James Potter is the new Head Boy.

Can you believe it? I sure can't.

It feels like summer just began, but here I am, all set to return for my final year at Hogwarts. I spent my entire day shopping for school supplies at Diagon Alley with my friends.

Alice, Emmeline, Hestia and I were all at Flourish and Blotts buying our new schoolbooks. We had just split up when I happened across Remus in the Defense Against the Dark Arts Section flipping through the pages of a book about werewolves.

We started talking and I mentioned that I was glad that he, James and Sirius were all on speaking terms again. And then, I received a bit of a shock. He told me that there was the one good thing came out that night and he felt I had a right to know it.

We were in a public place so we were kind of talking in code, but as far as I can gather, this is what happened the night James told me never to talk about to another living soul:

Apparently, Sirius told Snape about Remus's condition and James kept Snape from meeting Remus when he was "ill". James risked his life to save Snape. It was that night, Remus told me, that James decided to grow up.

I never knew. How could I have, though? But…wow. Snape, his mortal enemy, and James put his life on the line for him. I never would have thought James capable of such a thing, but somehow, I can see him doing that.

For quite a while now, I've been admiring of James's good qualities and this only makes him all the more wonderful in my eyes.

I'm proud of him. That he was able to overcome his hatred and go against his best friend to save someone he detested. That takes a strong person. And James, I feel, has become that person.

We ran into James at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor where he offered to buy me an ice cream cone. I let him, much to his delight, and we sat down and talked. No doubt my friends were rather suspicious, but it was a harmless conversation.

We talked mostly about our plans as the new Heads. We haven't really come up with anything constructive yet. In all honesty, we talked about the Head Girl and Head Boy dormitory and what we thought it would be like.

Since James is a pureblood, he's heard many a story about the Head Dormitories. We'll see if any of them are true when we reach Hogwarts.

I'm still comprehending the fact that James is Head Boy. I have no doubts that he'll rise to occasion magnificently. James never does anything halfway, and this new position should be no exception.

My only fear is that he'll be biased against the Slytherins when they get into fights with Gryffindors. Oh well, I guess we'll burn that bridge when we get there.

Today I'll board the Hogwarts Express for the second to the last time. This is my seventh and final year at Hogwarts and I'm determined to make it one to remember. With my friends by my side, I think I'll accomplish that goal.

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