Chapter 4: Cutting Loose
The clock radio started just moments after I'd opened my eyes. My internal clock was still so set to his time that I couldn't have slept in if I wanted to, not that I wanted to today. With a heavy sigh I rolled onto my back and studied the ceiling in our room as a haunting tune started to play. It sounded soothing and dark, different from the normal songs I would wake up to. It was a gently way to wake up. Strange how his betrayal is the last thing I think about at night and the first I think about in the morning. How long will it be like that?
I had time, lots of time, since he wasn't here to share the bathroom with. His unplanned trips gave me freedom and spare time in the morning, and I used to feel a bit guilty about enjoying them. Not anymore. The soft sounds of My Immortal filled our bedroom as the sun crept closer to the bed to try and reinforce the idea that I had to face the day.
Tossing the sheets off of me, I still laid still to listen to it. Wounds that won't heal, wiping away his tears… fighting away his fears, pieces of the lyrics seemed to call to me. I started to see my own problems in a song. I was always there for him. He was my best friend and I supported him in everything.
When I needed support, when I was having problems dealing alone, he found someone else to share his fears with. I just rolled onto my arms to get up. It was a bitter lesson to learn how poorly I'd invested my love. I didn't ask for these powers that scare everyone, but even my husband had pulled away from me when I started to scare them. I never told anyone how much that bothered me, them asking like I was no longer myself, but some sort of body snatcher. Even the Professor is telling people not to upset me because I might loose control.
I'm still stunned that he ran. I find out he cheated on me and he runs off to work out of town for who knows how long, leaving before we can even talk about this for more than a moment. He stormed into the room and then ran.
I'm not waiting for him to come back to me this time. I know he's okay, our link gives me that, but he doesn't call anyone to tell him he is. It's a selfish thing to do, and I'd told him that the last time he disappeared. I'd argued that if I'd done that he would have been just as mad as I was, and I'd asked him to call someone, even someone else if that happened again. I gave evidence that it wasn't unusual for one of the Xmen to be captured and without that call we'd worry that he had been. I'd argued for hours and he'd promised that no matter what happened he would never do that to me again. Never make me wonder if he was stuck in a cage or about to be killed. He still did it again.
As I brush my hair I stare into my own eyes, noticing how weary they look. It's how I feel, run down, used, betrayed. He was with me for years, but thinking back I realize that he hasn't been there for me in a while. The loneliness was something I got used to, didn't notice, but it was there. If I was lonely with him here, maybe with him gone I can fix that. My mind travels to the blonde telepath that he'd left behind as he ran. It's surprising that I feel so close to her, but after the way I went into her mind, touched her soul, even against her will. Against her will, that still haunts me now. I plowed through her like a bull in the china shop, barely paying any attention to her pain. I never expected to care about her, but now I worry that she won't be able to forgive that.
I plan to try and find out if she can. I've already convinced Henry to let me take over helping her as she heals. A slight smirk came to my lips as I remember his expression when I asked for that. It fades a little as I remember how he'd made me promise not to hurt her. He was just watching out for her and I couldn't argue that he shouldn't worry. I'd already done enough to set precedent. I could see why he'd worry, but the fact that it didn't take long to talk him into it showed some trust. Someone trusted me to control myself even in the face of the antagonism we all knew the White Queen would toss my way. That was a gift.
Today I also have to drop by the lawyers. I had the man mail me the papers and they were filled out. I can imagine Scott'll act devastated when I give them to him. I can already visualize how much he'll want me when I tell him I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not waiting for him to make up his mind, and he won't like that. I know why he isn't here, but how arrogant is it to think both women will just wait for him to make up his mind and come back to tell them who he wants.
God, I don't want him to have her. The idea of watching them together kills me. I live here, they are on my team, I work here. I wouldn't be able to escape it. Not if I stayed. The ache in my chest at the thought of leaving comes with a bitterness. Why should I have to be the one to leave? I wasn't the cheater, I… I know he won't. I know he shouldn't. I hate knowing that if I do this, hand in these papers, I'll be losing much more than him.
I've lived here most of my life, but this will take that away from me as well. God damn him for this.
********
As I promised I started down to the medlab after breakfast. I had to ignore the questioning glance the Professor gave me as I did it. I know this must look odd to people. They don't know the half of it.
"It's a beautiful day." I said cheerfully as I stepped into the medlab. Henry glanced up from his research and took in my shorts and crop top. It really was a beautiful day, but I normally wore more. I could see his eyebrow raise, but thankfully he said nothing as I made my way to the side of Emma's bed. I sent more quietly to his mind ~How is she? Can she start walking yet?~
Prudently he kept his reply mental. Emma wouldn't like my asking, but if she was well enough I want to give her a break from that wheelchair. ~Keep it light, but I don't see any evidence of cracks. She's just weak from the ordeal. I told her to remain in her diamond form for another day before shifting back.~
"Well?" I looked at her and noticed her expression. I'm throwing off her expectations and the wary look my friendly smile gets is interesting. "The garden or the lake?"
Emma glanced at Henry's back thoughtfully for a moment, then turned to me. "Garden." I just managed to hide my surprise. I'd expected more of a fight.
The trip outside was still tense and quiet, like I remembered it. Once there wasn't other people on the path, due to my creatively projecting an aversion to roses in peoples minds, Emma shifted a little in her seat.
"So, what are you after?" Emma's eyes narrowed after her. "Your attack on me cost you your girlscout badge and you want it back?"
I lost some of my enjoyment of the sun for a moment as her comment stung, but I stared at her. "I don't exactly have anyone else to be with right now, seeing as you stole my husband." I wondered if I'd regret the bit of honesty I was about to exhibit. "And you don't treat me like a shark that could start attacking anyone nearby at a moments notice."
Well, that certainly worked to make her shut up. I continued pushing her wheelchair towards the garden as she moved to face forward again. I'd run through her mind finding her secrets. Maybe a little equality would help. "The others are also nervous around me and try to leave as soon as possible because they don't know what to say to me. I'm being shunned because Scott cheated on me."
"So you force me to be your companion on these garden strolls?" Emma didn't manage to hide her surprise, but the cool mask she wore slid back into place. "Is this my punishment?"
I smiled at her attempt at a jab, which wouldn't have sounded so weak if I hadn't toured her mind. "You're a captive audience."
I let her have her silence as I moved to the bench again. I could see she was deep in thought. "Are you really divorcing him? Everyone always talks about how you two are inseparable."
Everyone? I start to wonder how many people knew about this affair before I did. It isn't a nice feeling to think my friends and teammates had covered for Scott's indiscretions. "I filled out the paperwork and have an appointment with a lawyer this afternoon." It just feels empty when I talk about this. "I'll still have that link, I can't break it. I don't know how that will work." I had to sigh. That would be a nightmare.
We stared at the flowers in silence again. The cool breeze made the summer morning smell clean and fresh. "I'll manage." I didn't need to make her feel guilty, I'd already made my decision, and I knew it was the right one.
"Esme hasn't been found has she?" Emma put forth a change in topic.
"No, she just walked out. Sage and Bishop couldn't stop her and we can't find her now." I didn't like how that little girl caused all of this and got away. She was right here in our midst and attacked one of our own. How do regular high school teachers deal with violence like that? For one of Emma's students, her favorite students, to hurt her like that has to hurt on so many levels. "You would have died to protect her and she repaid you by telling me about…" I went quiet, wondering if talking about this was a good idea. "It was them, they contacted me on my flight back. From the sounds of it they weren't the only ones to know were they?" I should just let this go, but I suddenly felt betrayed by my friends. They knew, I could tell by her slight stiffening that they knew. "The other girls are asking about you. They seem concerned." I force my hurt aside as I allow her change of subject to stand. "If you want visitors let me know. I think you might have a few that would like to see you are alright. Angel's feeling horrible that Esme used her to do that." Teaching was Emma's life, so talking about her students actually seemed to relax her. I continued to explain how Angel was a mother and how her children were doing. We talked about how to deal with the needs for a facility to take care of children and the need to teach these kids how to avoid pregnancy in the future. The school wasn't a place for infants but we couldn't turn Angel and her kids away. All we could do was try to prevent this from happening again.
It was the least strained work related conversation we'd ever had, and I realized that it had been my distrust that had kept if from being like this before. If she'd brought up sex ed classes a month ago I'd have assumed she wanted to teach our kids to be far too sexually adventurous for their ages, not that she was worried about unplanned pregnancies. How much of the problems between us was because I never tried to believe in her change? It was a sobering thought.
********
Later after the lawyer, I felt drained. I walked in to dinner and could feel the eyes on me. I also noticed that Emma had been permitted to leave the medlab for dinner this time, and the others all kept glancing from one to the other of us quietly. Oh, they tried to be subtle, but it was pretty clear we were the dinner entertainment. I glanced over to her. "Emma, I was thinking that maybe we should work out a few lesson plans for the class we talked about earlier." My voice was civil, friendly, and when Emma glanced up at me I thought for a moment I saw relief, which was covered quickly. Maybe she didn't care for this type of attention either. Our personal lives were public record, and the glares she'd been getting made the silent treatment I'd been getting seem downright friendly.
"Perhaps after dinner Henry will be kind enough to let me go play." Her voice held sarcasm as well as agreement. I could sense the confusion from the people that didn't want to talk to me about this mess but felt free to glare at the other woman.
It was a tense moment before Henry spoke. "If you promise to rest if you get tired." I had to smirk at his scolding tone.
The Professor was studying me again. It irritated me how often he'd stare at me, waiting for me to do something bizarre. Apparently this friendliness qualified. "I found the proposal you both left on my desk, but when I went to find you Jean you'd left." I could hear the question he wasn't asking. Where was I?
"I had some business to take care of in town." My voice was deeper as I tried to convey my desire to not talk about this at dinner. Right now the only people I'd told about the lawyer were Warren who gave me his number, and Emma. I'd like to keep it that way.
"I…see." His tone was deadly. I hate that he was so scared and suspicious.
"Did you remember the magazine I asked for?" It was Emma's voice that turned the topic. I glanced at her and tried to convey my appreciation with my eyes. "I need to redecorate my office. It… holds too many bad memories now."
"Maybe this time you can use some colors other than white." I smirk at her. The way my heart beat just a little faster when she gave me a subtle smile in acknowledgment of her help made me feel a bit better. Strange as this was, it was her and I against the world in this one matter. We only had each other to watch our backs, and I felt like it might actually be enough. Scott didn't realize what good taste in women he had, but I did. Her ability to turn the dinner conversation to interior design to keep it away from what I didn't want to talk about was nice. Lately Scott wouldn't have even noticed I needed the save. He didn't pay enough attention to me to see it.
Chapter 5: Commiserate
When I walked into the medlab in the morning I didn't see Emma. A short scan showed me that Henry was giving her one last check up before releasing her. I moved to the side of her bed and picked up the magazine I'd bought her the day before and started flipping through it as I waited.
Did I need new furniture? As I studied a dresser it dawned on me that I might, but until I knew what I was going to do, where I was going to live, I couldn't really order it. I glanced over to the doorway where Henry had Emma. A lot was riding on Emma, on what she decided.
I set the rose that I'd brought with me in the glass on her table. It was a nice bud, partly opened and stood out in the drab room. I know she loves white, but it was red. I placed the rose and I left.
My room, our room, had a pile of boxes in it. I'd ignored the curious glances of the others as I collected the moving boxes and now it was time to do this. When Scott came back I wasn't going to want to deal with this. It's better if I do it first. My problem was trying to figure out who was moving, and where to.
My optimism didn't extend to this, so I started pulling my winter clothes out of the closet first and putting them in a box. I'd leave them boxed up so I'd be ready to leave if I needed to.
When I got a knock on the door, I'd hoped it was her. I felt a bit of hope, joy at the thought of talking with her again. That made Warren's concerned face a bit of a disappointment. "Jean?" His voice was dripping with concern. With a sigh I moved out of the way of the door and let him in. He took in the boxes and my clothes tossed on the bed with a quick glance. "Are you okay?"
I had to give him a small smile. He was at least checking on me, my other teammates were waiting for me to come to them, while secretly hoping they wouldn't have to get involved. "I think I have enough boxes. It's going pretty well."
"He was an idiot." Warren declared as if it were obvious. "Everyone knows you two…"
"It's over." I spoke softly, not wanting to hear once again how perfect Scott and I were together. We were often held up as the one successful relationship. I never told the others about the arguing, but distance, that it wasn't as perfect as everyone believed, because Scott was a private man and wouldn't have appreciated it.
"Maybe you two can work it out. From what I hear he never actually…"
"No." My jaw tensed a bit as I fought the urge to talk louder. "Emma isn't the cause, just the latest in a string of reasons." I turned to put a sweater in a box. My voice was quiet. "I'd appreciate it if you told the others not to treat her like a plague. This is just between us."
"But she…"
"He knew what he was doing!" My eyes burned and I noticed Warren getting nervous as the fire of the Phoenix started to burn. It took concentration to pull it back inside. "He knew. Scott was the one that cheated on me, not her. I had no pledge of fidelity from her. Put the blame where it belongs."
"Did you need help packing?"
"No." I sighed as I looked at the job before me. This was emotional, upsetting, I didn't need an audience for this particular pain.
"Where are you going?" I turned to see his eyes looking at me, almost looking into me with their sympathy.
"For now I'm going upstairs, to the room by the attic stairs." His lips thinned just a little as he nodded. "I'll see you at dinner Warren." I give him a weak smile. "Thanks for being a friend." I don't really think he knew. He would have told me if he knew Scott was cheating on me.
"Anytime you need one."
After he left I spent a few hours packing, before I need a walk to clear my head. This time I took it alone and I headed towards the lake. It was a surprise to find I wasn't alone. I hadn't even checked on her, wanting to give her space. I watched the white clad form staring out at the waters quietly. She looked somber, fragile. She obviously believed she was alone or she wouldn't have let that show.
"Hi." I spoke softly and pretended I didn't see her working to quickly cover up her tears as I started towards her. Scott was a fool twice over to hurt her like this. "Looks like Henry decided you didn't need the wheelchair anymore." He'd also allowed her back into her regular form. The diamond glitter was absent as pale flesh took its place.
"You better be careful Jean, people might start to talk." She turned to face me with a slight smirk.
"They don't talk around here." I knew it was supposed to be a joke, but it was a sore point with me.
Her smirk faded, giving her a more serious expression. "Should I wonder why you appear to be stalking me?"
I took a deep breath and turned my eyes to the water. "I wasn't. I just needed to get out of the mansion. This is where I usually come to think."
We both stood there in silence, thinking nothing. Or at least I wasn't thinking. I just stared out at the waters and wondered at the strangeness of my life. "How is furniture shopping going?"
"Fine." Emma glanced over and me and I could feel the studying gaze. I didn't turn to face her and just let her continue. "I'm waiting for Henry to clear me for shopping so that I can go pick up a few things."
"I could offer to go with you." I glanced over at her. Her suspicion was mixed with curiosity. "I can promise him to make sure you rest if you need it." I gave her a small smile and waited. "I need a new dresser anyhow." The room I was moving into was missing one.
She was quiet for a while. "It would be nice to get out for a while." I could feel the hope bloom in me. I was so sure she'd turn me down. "Perhaps we could leave around ten?"
"That sounds good." I watched her stare out at the waters again.
"You do realize that the others will talk." The smirk was barely visible from this angle, but I swore I saw it. "You and I shopping together is going to raise eyebrows."
"It's really none of their business." I took a step closer to her, but it was still too far to reach out and touch her. "None of this is Xmen business, it's just between us."
"Well, the rumor mill is at full force." Emma turned to face me. "I heard you were packing."
I had to take a deep breath. This was awkward. "I figure moving out of our room before he got back would be less painful. I don't want to have to do that with him watching."
"I didn't do this to hurt you Jean." She sounded so human, the mask fell for a moment and I cherished that.
"I know." I gave her a sad smile. "I'll pick you up at ten." I moved to start to walk away so she could have her privacy.
"Thanks for telling Warren to tell the others that this isn't their business." Emma's voice followed me. "The glares were getting tiresome."
I just nodded and stepped back onto the path towards the house. The urge to tell her that if anyone bothered her about it, she should refer them to me came over me, but I kept quiet.
I did notice she didn't mention the rose. Maybe she didn't know it was from me, but I wasn't willing to invade her mind to find out if that was the case or if the idea made her so uncomfortable she decided to ignore it. I'd grant her privacy.
********
With my powers I didn't have to ask for help moving my belongings. Boxes followed me into the new room, one so close to Ororo's attic. It was a shame my best friend wasn't here when I could really use her advice. Of course given her feelings about Emma, perhaps it was best she wasn't around for this. I'd never be able to keep Ororo from wanting to confront Emma, and I'd never be able to explain my own feelings.
I didn't sleep well that night in a strange bed. The sheets were too cool, the room too quiet, and too empty.