Chapter 8: Confusion
I think the silence was what bothered me the most. I stood in the middle of her office as she stood still, quietly looking at me and I couldn't read the expression on her face. Years of hiding her emotions to survive made anything short of a mental scan useless, and if I tried that now I doubted it would help my cause. I moved towards the window and stared out at the children playing in the grass. I told her it was her game, so I resisted the urge to talk about it and just sighed. "I guess I'll take the dresser up now." I glanced at it, keeping the ache I felt off my own face as her silence lasted far too long. I never did have a chance did I?
"Jean…" Her voice was softer than normal so I turned to look at her and the bluest eyes I'd ever seen stared at me. When I felt the light mental touch I didn't resist it. I let her touch my thoughts, let her sense my sincerity. Nothing short of that would have probably convinced her it wasn't a trick, that I really did care. "I'll see you at dinner." Was all she said when she felt it, my attraction, my love. It wasn't what I'd hoped for.
"Sure." I made a small motion with my hand and had the dresser floating out the door before me. I was the model of control as I made my way to the room, past a few people.
"Pathetic, that was truly pathetic." I muttered as I shut the door behind me and shoved the dresser into place. I ran my fingers through my hair with a heavy sigh. One thing was certain, I could respect the men that went through this more now that I saw how hard it really was. Baring your heart took courage and to get nothing for it?
Did I get nothing? That thought started to bounce around in my mind as I distractedly unpacked a box and put the contents in the new dresser. She didn't say to leave her alone, or that it was ridiculous. She'd taken a peek into my mind, a gentle touch, then said she'd see me later. What did that mean?
Puberty had spared me doubts like this, doubts other teenage girls had about relationships and what other people thought of them. During that time my shields were so weak I always knew who liked me and who didn't. Feeling these sick and twisting emotions now, I can see how good I had it then. It would be so easy to just look, just for a moment, and I'd have my answer. I'd know if I should keep trying or give up. I can't do it though, it wouldn't be right. Now I have to sit in my room and overanalyze five little words for hidden meanings. How many meanings could "I'll see you at dinner" have? And how many of those meanings are the ones I want to hear?
The roses in my hand smelled good as I walked towards her office. I left the red roses on her new desk with a short note. I'd deliberated over what to say for far too long until I decided on something simple, with love… Jean. As I left the office I made sure to close the door. Emma was probably already at dinner, and I didn't think she would have appreciated the entire staff finding out about this just yet. I'll also admit that I didn't want this to be public knowledge.
When I got to the dining room I was surprised to not see her there. Normally she comes in early and leaves early. I sat down and kept the chair across from me open for her. It wasn't that hard.
"Sorry I'm late." Her voice drew my attention away from my half eaten meal. I'd started to believe she wouldn't be coming. The strange looks while I waited made me decide to start without her. I'd heard mental murmurs about how the whole Scott mess must have ruined my appetite, along with other pitying thoughts that I didn't care for.
She was tense, I could see it, but she took the seat I'd saved. "I had to get some files for Charles from my office." Oh, so she'd been there first. I wasn't sure how I'd felt about that. The plan was for the flowers to be after dinner. The soft way she told me her excuse made it clear she'd seen them.
"You really shouldn't overwork just yet." It was Hank's voice that answered her in his typical medical doctor scolding tone.
"Really Henry." Emma glanced at him, to my right. "I think looking through my files won't tire me out too quickly."
"I heard you were moving your furniture." He gave her a reproachful look.
"I didn't let her." I spoke with a slight smirk, trying to be as normal as possible while wishing we were alone for this instead of making polite chit chat with Henry. He was a dear, but I really wished he'd go research something at that moment. "Don't worry, I won't let Emma get hurt." I glanced at her and held her eyes just a little too long.
"Oh, well that's good." He smiled and I turned to glance at him. He was looking a little too long as well, but he smiled and I started to wonder how much he'd figured out.
I debated with myself for just a moment before I reached out and took the teacup from the table and started to pour her tea. Emma always had tea. I set her teacup a little closer to her and gave her a small smile when she looked at me. Henry's voice stopped for a moment before he continued his conversation. Surprised him too, oh well.
It didn't take long after that for Henry to decide to chat with someone else and leave me and Emma alone. "I thought I had a decision to make." She spoke softly, referring to my behavior.
"I figured it wouldn't hurt to petition for my cause." If Charles hadn't come in shortly after Emma I would have been tempted to force our teammates attention away from us telepathically, but as is I knew we were the center of attention.
"The flowers look nice on my desk. Thank you." I was a bit surprised she said that here, with everyone listening.
"I'm glad you like them." My heart was beating just a bit faster. I had the sense I was being measured up and it took a moment for the information I'd gotten when I'd taken that forceful jaunt through her mind to give me the clue I needed. Scott never acknowledged her and even though she knew why it hurt. She was probably seeing if she'd be my dirty little secret as well. She was comparing me and Scott and I knew I had to do better. It would hurt her if I couldn't, so I ignored the embarrassment I felt at the audience I knew we had and some of their confused thoughts as they wondered why I'd give Emma flowers. "I was wondering if you'd like to go to Phantom of the Opera with me this weekend. We could get dinner beforehand."
Her slight smile was so brief, but I felt my own joy at having put it there. "I don't know. Perhaps we could see about it later. Henry would probably have a fit my going so far from the mansion when he's monitoring my health." Okay, it wasn't a no, wasn't a yes either. I didn't know how to feel about it. She'd pressured me to make a move in public, then didn't take the hand I was offering. She was playing games with me.
"Okay," I gave her a slightly hard look to let her know I didn't appreciate that. "but don't wait too long or they might run out of tickets."
I heard the voice before I stepped into the room and I slowed down and stopped just outside of it. "It's bad enough she seduced Scott, what is Emma doing with Jean?" I could hear Bobby's voice clearly. "That woman was bad news from the start. The Professor never should have let her start working here. She destroys anything she touches."
"Jean is too good. Treating that woman like a friend after what she'd done. I would have kicked Emma's ass up and down the lawn if it were me." His voice held more than a hint of his anger. He'd never liked her, this gave him even more reasons apparently.
I'm not one to back down from a fight myself. I stepped into the room and glared at him while I made my way over to the fridge. Dinner was hours ago and I needed a snack. I may have lost some of my appetite on the way here but I wasn't going to sneak off. Bobby at least had the decency to blush and stammer that he had to go.
"I don't appreciate you discussing my life like this." I shut the fridge a little harder than necessary.
"I'm sorry, but she stole your husband."
"You can't steal a person. Scott made his choice, and what happens between us isn't your business, stay out of it Bobby." If it had been Emma to walk into that she'd have acted like it didn't hurt, but it would have. I was a bit more straight forward in my approach. "I'm sick and tired of being the topic of the day. Doesn't anyone wonder what Scott is going to do or why he's run off with Logan? Maybe they are getting married as we speak." Which was hardly believable, but I was irritated at the speculation centering on me. He ran off leaving me to deal with this, and he'd never acknowledge it. By the time he came back the worst of it would be over and he'd be spared this. I didn't bother giving Bobby a chance to respond. I just left. The yogurt ended up tossed into a garbage can shortly afterwards. I lost my appetite completely.
I'd just gotten ready for bed and the knock on the door surprised me.
"Jean?" Her voice reached me before I saw who it was. "can I come in?" She looked tired, and her voice was soft and quiet. Had she made a decision already? I moved to the side and let her in, while looking around the room to see what she'd see. I really should have tried to hide some of my boxes better. They were a reminder of how my life was falling apart, and I was a bit embarrassed to have other people see that.