Chapter 9 : Conflict
She glanced around the room with more than a hint of curiosity evident in her eyes. I stayed quiet and let her while I leaned against the door I'd closed. "Do you want to sit down?" All I had was the bed and a single chair, and I'd wait to see which one she took before I picked. The room was large enough for more furniture, but I wasn't sure I wanted to make the room more permanent by decorating it. The dresser was something I needed, or I would have done without it.
Emma took the single chair, so I sat on the bed across from her and waited. It didn't take long. "A date?"
"Yes." My voice was calmer than I felt. I hoped she wasn't about to turn me down and was just waiting to do it in private, although that little mercy was a kindness. Still why would she set me up like that?
"I know a nice little restaurant near Times Square." Emma gave me a little smile when I couldn't hide my surprise. "It isn't far from the theater."
"That sounds good." I watched her eyes glance around at the boxes I hadn't wanted people to see, and her expression softened a bit.
"You aren't unpacking." That statement held a question in it that she seemed to refuse to ask. I didn't really want to answer it either, so I didn't volunteer. The silence was just starting to get awkward when she finally gave up on my explaining myself. I didn't want to talk about how I wasn't sure I was staying. I didn't want to pressure her by letting her know I was just waiting for her to make up her mind before I decided to stay or leave. "I still need Henry to clear me for the night. He is being a bit overprotective. He plans to give me a full exam before we can go."
I stared into her blue eyes and glanced down at her lips for just a moment before looking back up. "We almost lost you. It may take a while before we get over that." I didn't try to hide my interest in her features as I took in her pale skin. "I'm so glad he didn't give up. Humor his concern. I'd hate to risk your health."
"I'm feeling much better now." She spoke softly, tenderness in her voice that I hadn't heard before. "Well, I should let you sleep. I'll purchase the tickets tomorrow morning." Why should she purchase the tickets? I asked her out. This was new territory for me. What do two women do when they date? Who pays? Apparently this time Emma did even though I asked her out. I would have argued that point, but just getting her to agree to go was enough. Dealing with anything more, like her tendency to toss her money around, could at least wait to see if there was a second date.
It took me a while to fall asleep that night. I knew this was an audition of sorts. It wasn't helping with my nerves knowing that. She was giving me a chance, but she didn't really know me any more than I used to know her.
"Jean?" The Professor's voice carried down the hall to her with its unspoken command to wait for him. I sighed softly before I turned to face him. I'd wanted to get to breakfast early and see if Emma was feeling up to working with me on the new sex education class we'd planned for the fall. Once he was even with me his voice dropped to that intimate tone he used to show he cared. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine Professor."
I could tell he didn't believe me. Our progress towards the dining room was slower as he seemed to be thinking about what to say. "I'm so sorry to hear about Scott and you dear. He's… confused."
"No, he's selfish. Get it right." I snapped at him once I realized he wanted to make excuses for Scott's behavior.
"I'm glad to see you've managed to work out your differences with Emma." I barely kept from rolling my eyes at this. He was fishing for information. He probably wondered how I could forgive her and not him. "Once Scott returns…"
"With all due respect Charles." I couldn't keep my irritation out of my voice. "This is truly none of your concern. I know you feel like a father to him, but he has to deal with the mess he made himself."
"Is this going to affect the team?" He asked after a moment, searching for a way this was his business.
"Yes, Charles… this will affect the team. There is no helping that." All potential actions at this point would affect our team. Things were going to change. "If you will excuse me, I see my dining partner." I spoke as we entered the dining room and I noticed an open seat or several by Emma. She was still being avoided. Sometimes my friends and teammates disappointed me. I barely gave Charles a nod as I escaped his prying.
She glanced up from her newspaper and then over towards Charles' back as he moved to sit in his normal spot, before looking at me again. Problem? Her mental touch was soft.
Nothing to worry about. I sent back as I was sitting down. "Are you feeling up to working a few hours today?" I asked, knowing yet again that we were being eavesdropped on.
"I don't know. What did you have in mind?" Her voice held a note of teasing flirtation, probably in some part for our audience, but I liked hearing it.
"I was thinking about sex." I paused to feel the rooms nervous buzz increase, "ed planning. We still haven't ironed out the curriculum." I gave her a slight smirk and she chuckled softly.
"Oh, that was a good one." She took a sip of her tea, "We could meet in my office. I'm a licensed sex therapist. Some of my files might be useful."
Warren was sitting a few chairs away, and his struggle with pretending he wasn't paying attention failed him. "What are you two working on?"
"The unfortunate incidence with Angel getting pregnant made it painfully clear that we are in need of some sexual education on campus." Emma's voice became just a hint cooler at the interruption of our game, but I wasn't sure the others would notice it. "If we don't teach about contraception, we might as well start construction on a daycare center."
"Back when we used to have just a handful of students it wasn't such a big issue." I started to defend our plans before anyone started to argue. "But this has proven that we can't monitor all of these students, and really everyone should know these things. If we sent them out into the world without an understanding of their sexuality we really aren't serving them well. Unplanned pregnancies are hard enough on young people, for mutants it could be disastrous." I knew the Professor was paying attention to us, and if he thought about this before we gave him our new class proposal it would be easier to get it passed.
We talked politely with Warren while eating breakfast, and as Emma and I got up to leave I noticed his questioning gaze land on me. Everyone wants to know what's going on with Emma and me.
I was sitting on her new couch looking through one of the files she'd pulled for us to consider as we worked on this. The room had been quiet as we both focused on our own tasks for a while, and the silence had become natural. Her voice cut the easy-going feeling.
"Do you still love him?" She asked softly. I sighed as I set the file I had down on the table and looked up at her. She was curled up in the chair just watching me. Other people had tried asking me things like this and I'd brushed them off, but it seemed like something that Emma and I should talk about.
"I'll always love him." I admitted, trying to ignore the stab of pain I felt at saying that. "We were together for so long; I can't just turn those feelings off." I took a deep breath to try and keep from letting tears start. "but I can't trust him, and he obviously doesn't trust me anymore. If he did he would have come to me to talk. He went to you."
"He was feeling lost. He wasn't dealing well with Apocalypse possessing him."
"I'm fucking possessed right now." My voice rose with my anger at him. "How could he not realize that I'd understand? I've spent years with the Phoenix force in my head! It tells me to do horrible things some times and I have to fight it. I understand what that's like, but he didn't even think of that." She was so quiet as she waited for me to say more. I had the feeling that Ms. Emma Frost was playing therapist with me. Fine. "Sometimes when he looked at me, I felt like he either sees who I used to be or this horrible force I could be, but he didn't see me. Do you know what it was like to feel his fear? His fear of me." I stared out the window behind her. Was it proper to talk about Scott with her? "No he didn't trust me anymore. Most people don't, but it really hurt when I realized my own husband was waiting for me to try and destroy the planet. In his mind he's an Xmen first and a husband second. He was probably working on contingency plans to take me out if I started to look like I was loosing this battle, but he wasn't trying to help me win it." I hadn't been this honest about my feelings with anyone in a long time, but Emma was a good therapist. She knew how to listen. A part of me was angry at that, because I could see now how she'd managed to seduce Scott. Why he'd go to her instead of me. When she sat back to listen, I felt like I was really being heard.
"He had no idea how to help you. No one does."
"No one's asked." I spoke softly. They ask if I'm losing it. They ask me to try harder. No one asked how they could help.
"How can I help?" Soft words. I really don't know why they affected me so strongly. Tears started to trail down my cheeks, and I whimpered just a little. It was embarrassing. I'd been waiting for Scott to say those words for so long, and to hear her say them made me feel like a horrible weight was being lifted off my shoulders. I've felt so alone in this.
"You do help." It took me a moment to swallow and relax before I could say that. "You don't treat me differently. You don't avoid subjects that would make me emotional. You act like part of me is still human." I ruined that moment by sniffling and wiping my tears away.
"So telling you that you're acting like an ass when you act like an ass is helping?" I had to look up at that. She gave me a small smirk. "I'll take that responsibility seriously then."
"It's a pretty big job. Are you up to it?" I managed a small smile back as I spoke.
"I'll try it for a little while and we can see."
Two days later I was spending my nervous energy in the danger room as I waited to hear how Emma's exam went. Our date was for later that night and part of me was still not quite believing that I was going out with her. A woman, and my husband's mistress. A strong woman with unselfish tendencies that she tried to hide or minimize, one that would give her heart completely, if she chose to give it at all, but didn't give it lightly.
If Emma and I became lovers we'd be true partners. Things I hadn't even realized bothered me about Scott until I decided to leave him were things she wouldn't do. Things I realized that Logan tended to do as well. It a reason for me to not end up in his arms when I knew many people, Scott included, would assume that would be where I'd go.
I slipped into the locker room and was undressing when the Professor's panicked voice rang in my head, XMEN EMERGENCY.
"Dammit." I hissed as I grabbed the jacket I'd just taken off and started towards Cerebra. Our date was ruined before it even began.
In death I am reborn, yet again. I felt the thoughts from Earth and it helped me zero in on the direction I need to go. Logan looked horrible, but I could sense he was still alive. Given time he'd wake up. I focused on returning to home. I felt anger, plenty of anger at the way Magneto tricked us all.
No one stays dead anymore. Magneto was supposed to be dead, but he still managed to come back to haunt us.
The Phoenix powers seemed to hum in my veins. The power was free, and I refused to be afraid of it now as I focused on getting back before that old man manages to kill someone I care about. I could sense Hank was not well. I could feel Emma's concern for him. Scott was with our mystery man heading towards the mansion, I don't linger there long. I didn't feel like allow that particular anger out at this moment.
The ship I'd managed to create out of the asteroid that was supposed to be our one way ticket to the sun took a great deal of thought to control, but the Phoenix consciousness made it as easy as moving Emma's furniture had been. Still I pushed as hard as I could, because I didn't know when or if those powers would recede, and I didn't want Logan and I to still die in space after all we'd gone through to save ourselves.
I really thought I was going to die. All the regrets that hit me at that moment made it clear that I wasn't ready.
Scott, I didn't want to die without talking to him again. I didn't want our last words to be that argument. Even though I made it I can't help but feel the regrets just as strongly as I'd felt them an hour ago. I want, need, closure. I didn't want to die mad at him, but I wasn't ready to forgive.
And Emma, my thoughts about her had been filled with regrets. Too soon, it was ending too soon. With a deep breath I focused on my trapped teammates. Emma had been rushing to rescue Scott with Hank when the bomb went off, leaving them stranded on the wreck of the plane floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I read Henry's mind to see how bad off they were. His thoughts were disorganized. Lack of water in the middle of the ocean was a cruel joke. It would have been so easy to read her to get this information, so very easy with all this power, but I resisted the urge.
Logan's thoughts became more organized. He was coming to. "Have your eyes grown back yet?" I asked and could feel he understood me. Just a little longer and he'd probably be healed enough to fight. Just in time too.
"Jean?" Emma spoke quietly as she moved closer to me. Henry was looking over Logan after Emma forced Henry to drink something. Henry wasn't as bad as I worried he'd be when I picked them up. His dehydration was relatively easy to deal with.
"Yes Emma?" I moved the makeshift spaceship more slowly through the atmosphere so I didn't cause damage, but I still was moving quickly towards the city.
"What happened to you?" She was watching me and I caught her glance around the ship.
"I renewed my resurrection club card again." A slight move of my hand wasn't necessary to turn the ship slightly, but it was a habit of mine. The brief silence was full of tension and I knew she had questions. It took effort to not read them from her mind. "Scott's already in Manhattan. I hope you are up for this." The others were a bit worse for wear, but we didn't have time to stop for anything.
"Oh, I'm ready." Her voice was full of cold threat. All I did was nod, agreeing with her feelings. Magneto wasn't getting away this time.
Magneto was truly pathetic. I felt sickened to see him, feeling sure that if he wasn't wearing that helmet that kept me out of his mind I'd have my confirmation that he'd truly gone completely insane.
Logan was far from the best choice to fight the master of magnetism, since he had the metal skeleton, but he stood toe to toe with him and continued with our plan. Magneto sounded frustrated when he was called Xorn, and he was irrational from the drug use, perhaps enough for this to work. When he threatened to rip the metal off Logan's bones I slipped out of the ship I'd been using and lowered to the ground. He had a city of mutants he was trying to convince he really was Magneto, and I could feel their doubts. I couldn't touch his mind, but I could touch theirs. I fed their doubts as I told him to address the people.
"Magneto?" I spoke so all of them could hear me, and he never seemed to consider that the less than warm welcome he was getting had anything to do with me. The old Magneto would have made the connection by now. "You don't look anything like him. How can you be Magneto when Magneto is dead?" His new helmet was in his hands so quickly as he rushed to prove who he was and I almost pitied the fool for opening himself up like that when I was right there. I was about ready to attack when the Professor was there, along with all the others. His relationship with Magneto was complicated and I backed down letting him handle this.
Scott was there. He barely glanced at me, his eyes focused on the battle. When Magneto fell I could sense his pain, his sense of betrayal. Erik used to be a good man, occasionally. I barely thought about it as I moved to check on him. He was laying on the ground, looking moments away from a heart attack. I could hear him muttering "Yes… I… I… have had enough."
His hand reaching out to grab mine shocked me. I hadn't felt that coming. The sudden thump in my chest shoved the air from my lungs. Something was horribly wrong. "What did you do?" I managed between pained breaths.
His thoughts were full of sacrifice and satisfaction as I fell. "A lethal electromagnetic pulse. You're having a planetary-scale stroke Jean!" I could hear him blaming me for his defeat, for tricking him into taking off the helmet in his mind, but I could also feel panic around me. "All that power I stored had to go somewhere!" It hurt. The pain in my head hurt.
Screams, fear. "Jean! Hold on!" Scott was there, staring down at me, and I didn't know when he'd gotten there. I blacked out. He was frantic, shaking me. It only hurt more.
"no… Scott… no…" I could hear his mental pain as he blamed himself for not seeing this coming, but I'd missed it too. After everything I'd been through lately, I was going to die in his arms. I wanted to tell him not to cry as he screamed out for help that wasn't going to come.
"Jean, I'm so sorry about everything…" He was apologizing, and I couldn't die leaving him with this guilt I could feel from him. I couldn't damn him forever like that.
Emma, oh God Emma… take care of him. She was so close and I broke my rule just to touch her mind one last time. Loved you…
"Live Scott." Love her. Don't leave her alone to punish yourself with guilt, I wanted to tell him, but talking was hard and I didn't dare risk more telepathy now. No one needed to feel me die.
"Don't you dare give up now!" An angry tearful voice drew my eyes to her over his shoulder.
"So beautiful." I whispered to her as I closed my eyes. I never even got to kiss her.
"Jean!" Screams, but I couldn't… so weak. "No!" Goodbye.