Okay, so I didn't update in a while. Lousy stupid social life, keeps
getting in the way of my writing! In any case, here's chapter 4. We will
make a little time skip from Quest 1 to quest 3, hope you don't mind. Um,
here it is-
* * * Chapter 4
A few days later our heroes found themselves complaining angrily as they stomped around the Dark Wood looking for the Tree of Inifus.
"Lousy- stupid- tree-" muttered Insufferabilus as he sulkingly hacked at a corrupted rouge trying to skewer him with a pike.
"I swear we've gone around that rock 500 times." sighed Wimpelina.
"Everything out here looks the same!"
"Og LOST!" sobbed Og slumping to the ground and backhanding a skeleton trying to sneak up on him. The skeleton tumbled to the ground leaving a pile of bones and a small pile of gold coins.
"Well, how do we even know where we are, anyway?" grumbled Chuckles, raising another unholy corpse from the ground and yawning.
"We must consult the mini-map!" said Insufferabilus grandly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small slip of paper.
"We're here, and we haven't been here, here or here. These marks are shrines, and this is the waypoint we used to get here," he explained pointing to areas on the map.
"What about here?" asked Wimpelina, pointing to a strange symbol on the map.
"That's a bug," said Insufferabilus.
"Icky!!" shrieked Wimpelina, scrambling out of the way and clutched onto the nearest person, who happened to be Og.
"Og SMASH!!" said Og protectively as he raised his club and slammed it onto the map with a gigantic thud.
"Gross! Now there's bug guts all over the place!"
"What are you complaining about, Mr. Corpse Explosion?"
"If I want your opinion, I'll rip it from your poor, weak, unintelligent shell of a soul, you brainless peon!"
"You want a piece of me, skinny?"
"Bring it on, you pin-headed zealot!"
"If that's what you want, you bulimic dinosaur!"
"You wanna take it outside?"
"We are outside!"
"You wanna take it inside?"
"STOP!!"
Wimpelina shrieked as loud as any Barbarian war-cry.
"First of all, you can't fight right now because you can't go hostile until you're in town. Second of all, we're this close (she lifted her fingers up to about the width of an arrowhead) to completing this stupid quest, so I suggest we finish it before we hack each other to death, agreed?"
"NO!"
As they started off in the direction of the Blood Moor to duel, a large shape landed in front of them with a resounding thud. All three hundred and ten pounds of Og landed in front of them, sending them sprawling. Og, who had been killing things while the two stood insulting each other, had gained a level and learned leap.
"Og can leap!" grinned Og happily.
"Og can hop like a girl," said Insufferabilus.
Not listening, Og continued to hop around the wood like a human pogo stick, an insane smile stapled upon his face. Something, however, stopped his fun.
"Watch out for that- " started Wimpelina.
"Ouch!" winced Chuckles.
"That's gotta hurt," said Insufferabilus.
Og slid to the ground in a heap. He had hit a tree. A scroll floated down from the imprint of Og's silhouette when he hit the tree. Wimpelina picked it up.
"Aha! This is what we're looking for!"
"Thanks, Og!"
"Og feel sick," moaned Og.
"Well, if that's it, we'll just be-" Chuckles turned around and bumped right into Treehead Woodfist.
"Oh, hi!" grinned Chuckles sheepishly.
The creature made a moan and hit Chuckles on his head, breaking his enchanted skull cap.
"Charge!" yelled Insufferabilus, fulfilling his stereotypical role as party leader.
The battle raged back and forth. Chuckles cursed his enemies and oversaw his minions as they attacked the beasts. Suddenly, a beast hit Chuckles from behind, breaking his Bone shield. Another hit lowered his health orb considerably. As the beast came for another hit, Og leapt in and dealt it a crushing blow to the head. Wimpelina finished it off with a cold arrow, shattering it into a bazillion and a half icy pieces. Insufferabilus was tackling three beasts at once, one of which was the angry Treehead Woodfist. He reached for a health potion, but dropped it. He staggered to reach it in time, but the beasts were upon him. Death was imminent, but Chuckles's skeletons came to the rescue, followed by a volley of fiery arrows and a few well-placed thunks from Og's club.
* * *
As they stood around counting gold, Wimpelina ran back to talk to Akara. She returned with directions on which stones to touch first.
"Okay, so is it this one with the little circley thingy on it the first one?"
"No, that's the third one."
"How about this one?"
"That's a copyright symbol. It says, 'this is property of Blizzard Entertainment.'"
"This is so confusing! Oh my gosh!"
They approached the stones and began to examine the stones.
"So it's this one first, then the one that looks like an upside down 1?"
"Yeah, and then the one that looks like an upside down question mark."
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Og lost, AGAIN!"
"Okay, Mr. Missing link, just sit this one out, okay?"
Finally they managed to get the portal to open. A creepy, red circular, swirling orb stood before them.
"Uh, ladies first!" offered the paladin, graciously.
"No thanks, fearless leader, you lead us!"
"Chuckles?"
"Uh, I don't think so."
They glanced at Og.
* * *
"NO! Og don't wanna go! Og scared! HELP! AAAAAAAH!!"
"Come on, Og! You've been elected by majority vote! You must go!"
"Og resign office! Og hate democracy!"
They strained to push the reluctant Barbarian through the portal to Tristram, but his hands were firmly locked onto two of the stones.
"No! Og don't like demonic portals! Stop! No!"
"Sorry, Og, but this is for your own good," apologized Chuckles. He raised his buckler and hit him hard on his knuckles.
"Nooooo!" Og disappeared down the portal. The echo of his unmanly yell echoed around the stones eerily. The others stood around waiting.
"well, should we go?"
"yeah, all right then."
They entered the portal into Tristram. All was in rubble, and a fowl demonic stench of brimstone and carnage raged through the air. Smoke billowed and hovered over the city like an evil bird waiting to strike the helpless worm it had gotten up early in the morning to catch.
They found Og huddled in a corner, waving his club with one hand and covering his eyes with the other. They went into the square and found Cain sitting in a cage.
"Help!" he cried.
"I'll save you!" said Insufferabilus in a noble voice. He ran in and broke the latch on Cain's cage. "Go to the Rogue Encampment!"
"Okay." The portal opened and he left.
"Hey, wait for us!" yelled Wimpelina shaking her fist. "Jerk!"
"Oh my! A Griswold!"
"A Griswold? Don't you mean just Griswold?"
"Just Griswold!" pointed Chuckles fearfully, pushing the two closest skeletons at the bloated figure. They broke in about three seconds.
They spent the rest of the day killing Griswold. They soon found that his blows were fairly weak, though he had very tough skin and took forever to kill. They took shifts so they wouldn't get too tired. Finally, he fell over and died.
"I call the scepter!"
"I call the shield!"
"I call the boots!"
"What's this thing with yellow words?"
"Looks pretty weird."
"It's some kind of Baridache. Give it to Og."
"Sheesh, Give Og weird thing? Og never get anything good."
Yes, you must be chuckling by the irony of it all. Poor, stupid newbies. In any case, they collected Wirt's leg and gold, and eventually meandered back to the Rogue Encampment.
"Thank you for freeing me! In return, I will identify items for you free of charge!"
"Sweet! What's this?" asked Insufferabilus holding out the scepter.
"That scepter will give you plus 3 to your thorns aura, as well as dealing extra damage than normal scepters."
"What's this?"
"That shield has an increased block rate and chance of blocking, as well as increasing your fire resistance."
"What about these boots?"
"Those are just boots. However, this little symbol says 'property of Blizzard Enter-'"
"Oh, great," muttered Wimpelina sarcastically.
"What this?" asked Og.
"My goodness! A rare baridache! It's name is 'Blood Smasher!' It gives you extra damage, steals life and mana and also adds considerable fire damage! You are lucky to come upon such a find, my large friend!"
"Oh the irony of it all!" sighed Chuckles slapping his forehead in frustration.
"However, there is much bad news! Diablo walks the earth again, and he will soon kill us all if you don't stop him! If not, fire shall from the sky like hail, the oceans will run as blood and we will be forced to watch nothing but "Friends" reruns! You must stop him before he reaches his brothers in the east, or all is lost!"
* * * What slightly exciting adventures await our heroes? What will become of the intrepid four? Will the ever meet the other three characters at all? Why does this story continue in the stupidity? The answers to this and many other questions in the next chapter!
* * * Chapter 4
A few days later our heroes found themselves complaining angrily as they stomped around the Dark Wood looking for the Tree of Inifus.
"Lousy- stupid- tree-" muttered Insufferabilus as he sulkingly hacked at a corrupted rouge trying to skewer him with a pike.
"I swear we've gone around that rock 500 times." sighed Wimpelina.
"Everything out here looks the same!"
"Og LOST!" sobbed Og slumping to the ground and backhanding a skeleton trying to sneak up on him. The skeleton tumbled to the ground leaving a pile of bones and a small pile of gold coins.
"Well, how do we even know where we are, anyway?" grumbled Chuckles, raising another unholy corpse from the ground and yawning.
"We must consult the mini-map!" said Insufferabilus grandly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small slip of paper.
"We're here, and we haven't been here, here or here. These marks are shrines, and this is the waypoint we used to get here," he explained pointing to areas on the map.
"What about here?" asked Wimpelina, pointing to a strange symbol on the map.
"That's a bug," said Insufferabilus.
"Icky!!" shrieked Wimpelina, scrambling out of the way and clutched onto the nearest person, who happened to be Og.
"Og SMASH!!" said Og protectively as he raised his club and slammed it onto the map with a gigantic thud.
"Gross! Now there's bug guts all over the place!"
"What are you complaining about, Mr. Corpse Explosion?"
"If I want your opinion, I'll rip it from your poor, weak, unintelligent shell of a soul, you brainless peon!"
"You want a piece of me, skinny?"
"Bring it on, you pin-headed zealot!"
"If that's what you want, you bulimic dinosaur!"
"You wanna take it outside?"
"We are outside!"
"You wanna take it inside?"
"STOP!!"
Wimpelina shrieked as loud as any Barbarian war-cry.
"First of all, you can't fight right now because you can't go hostile until you're in town. Second of all, we're this close (she lifted her fingers up to about the width of an arrowhead) to completing this stupid quest, so I suggest we finish it before we hack each other to death, agreed?"
"NO!"
As they started off in the direction of the Blood Moor to duel, a large shape landed in front of them with a resounding thud. All three hundred and ten pounds of Og landed in front of them, sending them sprawling. Og, who had been killing things while the two stood insulting each other, had gained a level and learned leap.
"Og can leap!" grinned Og happily.
"Og can hop like a girl," said Insufferabilus.
Not listening, Og continued to hop around the wood like a human pogo stick, an insane smile stapled upon his face. Something, however, stopped his fun.
"Watch out for that- " started Wimpelina.
"Ouch!" winced Chuckles.
"That's gotta hurt," said Insufferabilus.
Og slid to the ground in a heap. He had hit a tree. A scroll floated down from the imprint of Og's silhouette when he hit the tree. Wimpelina picked it up.
"Aha! This is what we're looking for!"
"Thanks, Og!"
"Og feel sick," moaned Og.
"Well, if that's it, we'll just be-" Chuckles turned around and bumped right into Treehead Woodfist.
"Oh, hi!" grinned Chuckles sheepishly.
The creature made a moan and hit Chuckles on his head, breaking his enchanted skull cap.
"Charge!" yelled Insufferabilus, fulfilling his stereotypical role as party leader.
The battle raged back and forth. Chuckles cursed his enemies and oversaw his minions as they attacked the beasts. Suddenly, a beast hit Chuckles from behind, breaking his Bone shield. Another hit lowered his health orb considerably. As the beast came for another hit, Og leapt in and dealt it a crushing blow to the head. Wimpelina finished it off with a cold arrow, shattering it into a bazillion and a half icy pieces. Insufferabilus was tackling three beasts at once, one of which was the angry Treehead Woodfist. He reached for a health potion, but dropped it. He staggered to reach it in time, but the beasts were upon him. Death was imminent, but Chuckles's skeletons came to the rescue, followed by a volley of fiery arrows and a few well-placed thunks from Og's club.
* * *
As they stood around counting gold, Wimpelina ran back to talk to Akara. She returned with directions on which stones to touch first.
"Okay, so is it this one with the little circley thingy on it the first one?"
"No, that's the third one."
"How about this one?"
"That's a copyright symbol. It says, 'this is property of Blizzard Entertainment.'"
"This is so confusing! Oh my gosh!"
They approached the stones and began to examine the stones.
"So it's this one first, then the one that looks like an upside down 1?"
"Yeah, and then the one that looks like an upside down question mark."
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Og lost, AGAIN!"
"Okay, Mr. Missing link, just sit this one out, okay?"
Finally they managed to get the portal to open. A creepy, red circular, swirling orb stood before them.
"Uh, ladies first!" offered the paladin, graciously.
"No thanks, fearless leader, you lead us!"
"Chuckles?"
"Uh, I don't think so."
They glanced at Og.
* * *
"NO! Og don't wanna go! Og scared! HELP! AAAAAAAH!!"
"Come on, Og! You've been elected by majority vote! You must go!"
"Og resign office! Og hate democracy!"
They strained to push the reluctant Barbarian through the portal to Tristram, but his hands were firmly locked onto two of the stones.
"No! Og don't like demonic portals! Stop! No!"
"Sorry, Og, but this is for your own good," apologized Chuckles. He raised his buckler and hit him hard on his knuckles.
"Nooooo!" Og disappeared down the portal. The echo of his unmanly yell echoed around the stones eerily. The others stood around waiting.
"well, should we go?"
"yeah, all right then."
They entered the portal into Tristram. All was in rubble, and a fowl demonic stench of brimstone and carnage raged through the air. Smoke billowed and hovered over the city like an evil bird waiting to strike the helpless worm it had gotten up early in the morning to catch.
They found Og huddled in a corner, waving his club with one hand and covering his eyes with the other. They went into the square and found Cain sitting in a cage.
"Help!" he cried.
"I'll save you!" said Insufferabilus in a noble voice. He ran in and broke the latch on Cain's cage. "Go to the Rogue Encampment!"
"Okay." The portal opened and he left.
"Hey, wait for us!" yelled Wimpelina shaking her fist. "Jerk!"
"Oh my! A Griswold!"
"A Griswold? Don't you mean just Griswold?"
"Just Griswold!" pointed Chuckles fearfully, pushing the two closest skeletons at the bloated figure. They broke in about three seconds.
They spent the rest of the day killing Griswold. They soon found that his blows were fairly weak, though he had very tough skin and took forever to kill. They took shifts so they wouldn't get too tired. Finally, he fell over and died.
"I call the scepter!"
"I call the shield!"
"I call the boots!"
"What's this thing with yellow words?"
"Looks pretty weird."
"It's some kind of Baridache. Give it to Og."
"Sheesh, Give Og weird thing? Og never get anything good."
Yes, you must be chuckling by the irony of it all. Poor, stupid newbies. In any case, they collected Wirt's leg and gold, and eventually meandered back to the Rogue Encampment.
"Thank you for freeing me! In return, I will identify items for you free of charge!"
"Sweet! What's this?" asked Insufferabilus holding out the scepter.
"That scepter will give you plus 3 to your thorns aura, as well as dealing extra damage than normal scepters."
"What's this?"
"That shield has an increased block rate and chance of blocking, as well as increasing your fire resistance."
"What about these boots?"
"Those are just boots. However, this little symbol says 'property of Blizzard Enter-'"
"Oh, great," muttered Wimpelina sarcastically.
"What this?" asked Og.
"My goodness! A rare baridache! It's name is 'Blood Smasher!' It gives you extra damage, steals life and mana and also adds considerable fire damage! You are lucky to come upon such a find, my large friend!"
"Oh the irony of it all!" sighed Chuckles slapping his forehead in frustration.
"However, there is much bad news! Diablo walks the earth again, and he will soon kill us all if you don't stop him! If not, fire shall from the sky like hail, the oceans will run as blood and we will be forced to watch nothing but "Friends" reruns! You must stop him before he reaches his brothers in the east, or all is lost!"
* * * What slightly exciting adventures await our heroes? What will become of the intrepid four? Will the ever meet the other three characters at all? Why does this story continue in the stupidity? The answers to this and many other questions in the next chapter!