So it was that the five companions, Og the Headless Caveman;
Insufferabilus, son of Holierthanthouis; Chuckles the Necromancer;
Wimpelina; and the Sorceress formerly known as Sara, found themselves
wandering around through the Black Marsh.
"Why do they call it the Black Marsh? I see no marsh, it just looks like the normal everyday landscape to me," said Mitten.
"Hmm, I don't know," said Insufferabilus, munching on a piece of chicken waffle.
"Meow!" said Wimpelina randomly.
From across the field, came the sound of blaring chainsaws and shrieking demons. Because of the noise and all the clatter, the five heroes ran over to see what was the matter.
It was an Assassin, fighting off a horde of demons with two strange looking weapons.
"Don't just stand there like dissected turtles! Help me!" she yelled over the din of chattering demons.
"Rakanichu!"
"Forward to the fray!" yelled Insufferabilus with a noble sounding voice.
As they approached, they could see the Assassin kicking and punching monsters coming at her. A trap was sitting in the corner, spitting out fire like an Og who had eaten to many chicken waffles.
An aura of Might flashed around everyone as the Paladin led the way into the battle. Og jumped and landed in a group of zombies, swinging Blood Smasher like there was no tomorrow. Wimpelina and Mitten shot a bunch of cold looking stuff into the crowd of maniacal monsters, and Chuckles was using some sort of green cloud to poison the baddies. The horde of angry skeletons, zombies and fallen began running away, screaming bloody murder.
Insufferabilus and the Assassin finished smashing up the remnants of the spawn when they suddenly realized they were standing in front of a large tower.
"OOoh, pretty!" said Wimpelina, pulling an arrow out of an oozing blood socket of a fallen.
"This must be the tower the old moldy tome spoke of," said Insufferabilus.
"Unless you see any other large black towers in the middle of this swamp," muttered Chuckles.
Something touched Chuckles boot. He jumped back only to see it was the Assassin crawling on the ground looking for coins.
"Quick! Help me pick up the coins!"
"Um..."
"well, then move! Those are my coins! If you're not collecting, than you automatically forfeit your right to those coins. They're mine!"
Wimpelina drew herself up angrily. "Now wait just a minute here! Who made you miss Queen of the Angry Coin-Collecting Jerks? Jerk!"
The Assasin put her two katars to Wimpelina's throat. "These two did! Now get your grubby claws off my gold, or I'll –"
"Silence!" roared Insufferabilus. Now what we need here is for the two of you to quit fighting or I'll sic Og on you. He's angry!"
They all glanced at Og, who was busy chasing butterflies. Insufferabilus put his hand forward for the Assassin to shake.
"hey there. I am Insufferabilus, son of Holierthanthouis, Paladin. These are my subordinate companions; Chuckles the Necromancer, Og the Barbarian, Wimpelina the Amazon, and Mitten the Sorceress. Who might you be?"
"I am Lady Blackrose Thorne. I am an assassin, part of an ancient order sworn to hunt down corrupted mages."
"What brings you to this forsaken wasteland of a swamp?" asked Chuckles
"Gold!! Lots and lots of sparkly, golden Gold! Coins, bricks, jems, jewels- it's all good!"
The companions backed away from her terrifying glint of insanity.
"Well isn't that lucky!" Wimpelina started, "We just happen to know where a whole BUNCH of gold is. You see, we found this tome-"
"Shut up! Shut up!" Chuckles tackled the Amazon, but it was too late.
"Gold!? Where is the beautiful gold? The treasured glinting rays of happiness? Tell me!"
"Oh, poo," said Insufferabilus.
Two hours later the companions found themselves traipsing bravely through the dark caverns inside the lonely, black tower. Dripping water, rats, and unburied skeletons were the decorum, along with a healthy does of musky scent. Lady Blackrose was busy narrating her life story.
"so as you can see, I'm a highly depressed individual who is bitter toward the world. Life has given me scars that cannot heal, you see-"
"I wish her life gave her the ability to shut up," muttered Chuckles.
The fearless party leader broke out laughing. "HAHA! That's a good one, Chuckles! Life giving her the ability to shut up! That's hilarious!"
Lady Blackrose glared backwards with annoyance. "Taunt thee Lady Blackrose? You cannot understand my pain! I have scars that cannot heal!"
"If you don't move quick, you'll have some physical scars too! Duck!" Mitten shot an ice bolt, exploding the attacking rogue into a bazillion ice pieces.
"It's the Countess! She's back for my blood! She's jealous of my dark beauty!" Wimpelina screamed as she fired an arrow into the face of a rogue.
"Charge!" yelled the leading Paladin.
"Shout!" yelled Og, his shout giving the party a defence bonus.
Chuckles and Mitten stood back to back, firing bones and icebolts into the surrounding hordes of demons. Og was frantically slicing away with his rare Baridache, and Wimpelina darted around shooting arrows like a frenzied chipmunk with a bow. Insufferabilus was charging around, finishing off the wounded and shouting advice.
"uh, would you mind helping a little?" he yelled over the din of battle.
"Just a second-"muttered Lady Blackrose.
"You're not helping much, you know! It could be easier to collect the gold after the battle!"
"I'm not collecting gold, I'm-"
"YaaaaAAARgh!!"
"Oh, the pain? Why does it hurt?"
"Make it stop! Make it stop!"
The battle was going poorly for the engaged heroes. Suddenly, spouts of fire and charges of lightning shot out from every direction! The rogues and wraiths fell down screaming and clutching their burning limbs. The heroes quickly rushed in and finished off the screaming hordes of wounded hellspawn.
"That was some quick thinking, Mitten!" complimented Wimpelina.
"Quite. Where it not for thy heroic efforts, our quest would've entered prematurely!" agreed Insufferabilus.
"Well, that's all very nice but it wasn't me."
"Yes, my traps are quite the addition to battle, are they not?" smugly replied Lady Blackrose.
"OH, mitten. You're such a kidder!" Chuckles chuckled happily.
"Og HUG!"
Mitten stood around confusedly while the party members patted her on the back and put themselves at her service for generations.
"Um., you guys? It wasn't me!"
Lady Blackrose sighed depressedly and started collecting gold. "Yet another scar that won't heal? Why, cruel fate? Thy black rose's thorns pierce my tortured spirit so! Gold is my only respite! Come, sweet yellow metal, give me temporary rest from my pain!"
The tired yet celebratory heroes came back to the Rogue encampment, happily paid off their debt, and celebrated with chicken waffles. As they went forward to repair their armor and weapons, a certain blacksmith asked a favor.
"When I fled the Monastary, I left behind the Horadric Malus, my enchanted smithing hammer? Would you get it for me?"
"Whaat? How could you forget something like that?" asked Chuckles.
"It's small, about the size of a dagger, except it's a smithing hammer. It's got a wood handle, and a metal end."
"I know what a smithing hammer looks like, okay?" said Wimpelina annoyedly. "My goodness, are we just here to fulfill the whims of all these little people?"
"Sadly yes," answered a brooding Mitten.
"I say, whatever the request of a fair lady shall be the action of a brave knight! Forth, I say! And Thusforth!"
"Sounds good to Og," said the hulking barbarian sharpening Blood Smasher. "Og like smashing and thrashing! We smash now, sooner we smash Diablo!"
"You've been strangely quiet, Lady Blackrose. What's on your mind?"
Lady Blackrose kicked a rock grouchily. "Nobody ever appreciates me! My wounds are deep and never heal! Life is meaningless, and existence is bleak."
"Oh are you still on about that?" Wimpelina snorted into a plate of chicken waffle. "Listen, it was an honest mistake. Fire? Lightning? That's Mitten's forte, and we didn't know you could set traps. We apologized, now get over it!"
"truly, our actions were mistaken but not unpure! Surely, thou wouldst not hold a grudge against thy fellow companions in the light?" Insufferabilus sat down and begtan chewing.
"Dark- meaningless- no friends- forever tortured. . . Never healing. . ." ranted Blackrose.
"Oh forget her," said Chuckles. "Charsi, so long as what little blood still runs through my weak and tired veins, we will search for your Horadric Malus. Until death or boredom!"
"Death and Boredom!" shouted the party, clinking their mugs of cheap ale together in the ancient oath of all traveling adventurers.
"Why do they call it the Black Marsh? I see no marsh, it just looks like the normal everyday landscape to me," said Mitten.
"Hmm, I don't know," said Insufferabilus, munching on a piece of chicken waffle.
"Meow!" said Wimpelina randomly.
From across the field, came the sound of blaring chainsaws and shrieking demons. Because of the noise and all the clatter, the five heroes ran over to see what was the matter.
It was an Assassin, fighting off a horde of demons with two strange looking weapons.
"Don't just stand there like dissected turtles! Help me!" she yelled over the din of chattering demons.
"Rakanichu!"
"Forward to the fray!" yelled Insufferabilus with a noble sounding voice.
As they approached, they could see the Assassin kicking and punching monsters coming at her. A trap was sitting in the corner, spitting out fire like an Og who had eaten to many chicken waffles.
An aura of Might flashed around everyone as the Paladin led the way into the battle. Og jumped and landed in a group of zombies, swinging Blood Smasher like there was no tomorrow. Wimpelina and Mitten shot a bunch of cold looking stuff into the crowd of maniacal monsters, and Chuckles was using some sort of green cloud to poison the baddies. The horde of angry skeletons, zombies and fallen began running away, screaming bloody murder.
Insufferabilus and the Assassin finished smashing up the remnants of the spawn when they suddenly realized they were standing in front of a large tower.
"OOoh, pretty!" said Wimpelina, pulling an arrow out of an oozing blood socket of a fallen.
"This must be the tower the old moldy tome spoke of," said Insufferabilus.
"Unless you see any other large black towers in the middle of this swamp," muttered Chuckles.
Something touched Chuckles boot. He jumped back only to see it was the Assassin crawling on the ground looking for coins.
"Quick! Help me pick up the coins!"
"Um..."
"well, then move! Those are my coins! If you're not collecting, than you automatically forfeit your right to those coins. They're mine!"
Wimpelina drew herself up angrily. "Now wait just a minute here! Who made you miss Queen of the Angry Coin-Collecting Jerks? Jerk!"
The Assasin put her two katars to Wimpelina's throat. "These two did! Now get your grubby claws off my gold, or I'll –"
"Silence!" roared Insufferabilus. Now what we need here is for the two of you to quit fighting or I'll sic Og on you. He's angry!"
They all glanced at Og, who was busy chasing butterflies. Insufferabilus put his hand forward for the Assassin to shake.
"hey there. I am Insufferabilus, son of Holierthanthouis, Paladin. These are my subordinate companions; Chuckles the Necromancer, Og the Barbarian, Wimpelina the Amazon, and Mitten the Sorceress. Who might you be?"
"I am Lady Blackrose Thorne. I am an assassin, part of an ancient order sworn to hunt down corrupted mages."
"What brings you to this forsaken wasteland of a swamp?" asked Chuckles
"Gold!! Lots and lots of sparkly, golden Gold! Coins, bricks, jems, jewels- it's all good!"
The companions backed away from her terrifying glint of insanity.
"Well isn't that lucky!" Wimpelina started, "We just happen to know where a whole BUNCH of gold is. You see, we found this tome-"
"Shut up! Shut up!" Chuckles tackled the Amazon, but it was too late.
"Gold!? Where is the beautiful gold? The treasured glinting rays of happiness? Tell me!"
"Oh, poo," said Insufferabilus.
Two hours later the companions found themselves traipsing bravely through the dark caverns inside the lonely, black tower. Dripping water, rats, and unburied skeletons were the decorum, along with a healthy does of musky scent. Lady Blackrose was busy narrating her life story.
"so as you can see, I'm a highly depressed individual who is bitter toward the world. Life has given me scars that cannot heal, you see-"
"I wish her life gave her the ability to shut up," muttered Chuckles.
The fearless party leader broke out laughing. "HAHA! That's a good one, Chuckles! Life giving her the ability to shut up! That's hilarious!"
Lady Blackrose glared backwards with annoyance. "Taunt thee Lady Blackrose? You cannot understand my pain! I have scars that cannot heal!"
"If you don't move quick, you'll have some physical scars too! Duck!" Mitten shot an ice bolt, exploding the attacking rogue into a bazillion ice pieces.
"It's the Countess! She's back for my blood! She's jealous of my dark beauty!" Wimpelina screamed as she fired an arrow into the face of a rogue.
"Charge!" yelled the leading Paladin.
"Shout!" yelled Og, his shout giving the party a defence bonus.
Chuckles and Mitten stood back to back, firing bones and icebolts into the surrounding hordes of demons. Og was frantically slicing away with his rare Baridache, and Wimpelina darted around shooting arrows like a frenzied chipmunk with a bow. Insufferabilus was charging around, finishing off the wounded and shouting advice.
"uh, would you mind helping a little?" he yelled over the din of battle.
"Just a second-"muttered Lady Blackrose.
"You're not helping much, you know! It could be easier to collect the gold after the battle!"
"I'm not collecting gold, I'm-"
"YaaaaAAARgh!!"
"Oh, the pain? Why does it hurt?"
"Make it stop! Make it stop!"
The battle was going poorly for the engaged heroes. Suddenly, spouts of fire and charges of lightning shot out from every direction! The rogues and wraiths fell down screaming and clutching their burning limbs. The heroes quickly rushed in and finished off the screaming hordes of wounded hellspawn.
"That was some quick thinking, Mitten!" complimented Wimpelina.
"Quite. Where it not for thy heroic efforts, our quest would've entered prematurely!" agreed Insufferabilus.
"Well, that's all very nice but it wasn't me."
"Yes, my traps are quite the addition to battle, are they not?" smugly replied Lady Blackrose.
"OH, mitten. You're such a kidder!" Chuckles chuckled happily.
"Og HUG!"
Mitten stood around confusedly while the party members patted her on the back and put themselves at her service for generations.
"Um., you guys? It wasn't me!"
Lady Blackrose sighed depressedly and started collecting gold. "Yet another scar that won't heal? Why, cruel fate? Thy black rose's thorns pierce my tortured spirit so! Gold is my only respite! Come, sweet yellow metal, give me temporary rest from my pain!"
The tired yet celebratory heroes came back to the Rogue encampment, happily paid off their debt, and celebrated with chicken waffles. As they went forward to repair their armor and weapons, a certain blacksmith asked a favor.
"When I fled the Monastary, I left behind the Horadric Malus, my enchanted smithing hammer? Would you get it for me?"
"Whaat? How could you forget something like that?" asked Chuckles.
"It's small, about the size of a dagger, except it's a smithing hammer. It's got a wood handle, and a metal end."
"I know what a smithing hammer looks like, okay?" said Wimpelina annoyedly. "My goodness, are we just here to fulfill the whims of all these little people?"
"Sadly yes," answered a brooding Mitten.
"I say, whatever the request of a fair lady shall be the action of a brave knight! Forth, I say! And Thusforth!"
"Sounds good to Og," said the hulking barbarian sharpening Blood Smasher. "Og like smashing and thrashing! We smash now, sooner we smash Diablo!"
"You've been strangely quiet, Lady Blackrose. What's on your mind?"
Lady Blackrose kicked a rock grouchily. "Nobody ever appreciates me! My wounds are deep and never heal! Life is meaningless, and existence is bleak."
"Oh are you still on about that?" Wimpelina snorted into a plate of chicken waffle. "Listen, it was an honest mistake. Fire? Lightning? That's Mitten's forte, and we didn't know you could set traps. We apologized, now get over it!"
"truly, our actions were mistaken but not unpure! Surely, thou wouldst not hold a grudge against thy fellow companions in the light?" Insufferabilus sat down and begtan chewing.
"Dark- meaningless- no friends- forever tortured. . . Never healing. . ." ranted Blackrose.
"Oh forget her," said Chuckles. "Charsi, so long as what little blood still runs through my weak and tired veins, we will search for your Horadric Malus. Until death or boredom!"
"Death and Boredom!" shouted the party, clinking their mugs of cheap ale together in the ancient oath of all traveling adventurers.