With Super Friends Like These….

By an extremely sarcastic Kairi Taylor

Geese Tower. Bison & Geese are going over strategy.)

Geese: So...how goes the crime trade?
Bison: It sucks right now. Drug runs, smuggling, murder for hire, world domination...all down the toliet. All these villians care for now is just plain ol' apocalypse!
Geese: That so?
Bison: Look for yourself...(points to Vega.)
Vega: No one worships my beautiful face...and there is no one beautiful enough to appreciate my greatness. But all will change...I will use the black arts of my clan to kill ALL MANKIND AS I SEE FIT!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1
Bison: Looks like someone needs his shot of Happy Tonic! (pulls out a tranquilizer rifle & shoots a dart into Vega's neck.) See?
Geese: Yup, I see. So what do you propose?
Bison: I got this plan. I built a time machine. Let's use it to go back in time & get us a bunch of super villains to aid us in making crime glorious again.
Geese: Good call. But who do we recruit?
Bison: Well, you can forget the Marvel guys. It just wouldn't work out. Trust me.

(flashback....)

Acolyte: Uhhh...excuse me, all mighty Magneto?
Magneto: Stop referring to me like that. Just 'sir' will do.
Acolyte: Yes, O Great Leader of All Homo-Superiors!
Magneto: *sweatdrops* Right. Well, what is it?
Acolyte: These new warriors we recruited...they suck against the X-Men.
Magneto: You don't say?
Balrog: DON'T STOP ME!!!
Beast: ...his stupidity is numbing my mind.
Jean: I told you your little witty sayings don't work on him.
Rouge: So, who wants to take him out?
Jean: Let me.
Balrog: C'MON SANDBAG!!!
Jean: ...you're just too stupid to waste mind zapping on. (Uses Telekinesis to slam Balrog into the wall. Over & over again.)
Vega: Your mutant powers are no match for my Barcelonan ninjitsu style!!
Nightcrawler: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Vega: Take this, you ugly blue freak! (Dives at N.Crawler, but misses.)
N.Crawler: .... (proceeds to teleport in front of Vega & pimp slap him across the face.)
Vega: AHHH!!! YOU TOUCHED ME!!! NOW I'M INFESTED WITH THE MUTANT PLAGUE!!! THE PLAGUE!!!
N. Crawler: But it's already been cured...& it was called the Legacy Virus, you twit.
Vega: I only watched TV. So sue me.
Sagat: ....
Wolverine: Grrr...
Vega: HAH!! With my strong ally Sagat, we will no doubt mop the floor with you all.
Wolverine: I'm bad ass enough to beat ya with just one claw. An' yer buddy seems to agree with me.
Vega: What? (sees Sagat has disappeared.) Where is he?

(Grayhound bus. Sagat is sitting next to Dan, Yuri, Sakura & a sleeping Robert, holding a Hamtaro plushie.)

Sagat: And you guys are...
Dan: Looking for a better fanfic, Kusanagi slime!
Sagat: I'm not related to Kyo, you know.
Dan: Well, when I learn your last name, I shall insult you in the proper manner!
Yuri: What about the hardware store?
Sakura: And why'd you leave that battle?
Sagat: Because one big ass scar is enough & I've become used to having the luxury of sight!

(Back to the X-Men.)

Cyclops: ....damnit all
Magneto: Sorry about this...I kinda got these guys after I beat this guy named Bison.
Jean: Look, next time we have a huge battle, can you hire acolytes that have cool powers or something? At least throw us a energy mutant or something.
Wolverine: Or someone who's not a bishonen wanna be.
Vega: HEY!!!

(back to the present.)

Geese: Who else can we try?
Bison: How about the Image guys?
Geese:Ummm...no. Look outside. (Points to an unemployment office, where several heroes & villians are standing at.)
Clown: Damn egomaniac. (Freefall floats in.)
Freefall: At least you're not dead.
Clown: ...(thinks to himself.) Ok, let's try not to stare directly at her snacktrays. (Gets booted in the face.)
Freefall: Did someone forget ghosts are telepathic?
Geese: Well, we only have one option...
Bison: You mean...
Geese: Yes...
Bison: Well, why not? (Pulls out a remote & opens a portal in time.)
Geese: ...couldn't we at least try David Xanatos?
Bison: No. He's liable to stab us in the back.
Geese: Who hasn't?

(Both jump into the portal. Elsewhere, Kyo, Iori & Kensou are in a RPG session with Vice as GM.)

Kyo: I WASTE 'IM WITH MY CROSSBOW!!!
Iori: You know, just because we are short of funds doesn't mean you have to kill every shopkeeper.
Kensou: You have to admit, we earn a lot of gold & weapons this way.
Iori: Good point.
Vice: Well, so far you wasted the shopkeeper, the blacksmith, the innkeeper, the candle maker, three beggers, the weapon smith, the barkeep & 20 minstrels...any other people you wanna massacre?
Kyo: I keep on telling you, there's something wrong with this town.
Iori: Well, people will act suspicious when you keep on burying crossbow bolts in their friends.

(A green shaft of light fills the room as The Spectre enters.)

Spectre: Ah, I found you.
Vice: HOLY CRAP!!! IT'S HAL JORDON!!
Spectre: Not anymore..wait, how the hell did you know who I was?
Kyo: Check out her bio-sheet.
Spectre: OK...collects American comics. DAMN!!
Iori: It's an obsession really. She nearly bit my hands off when I looked through her TMNT collection.
Kensou: That bad huh?
Iori: Yeah.
Spectre: Anyway, I need your help! Geese & Bison have gone back in time to recruit the Legion of Doom.
Kensou: No, not Hawk & Animal!!
Spectre: The OTHER Legion of Doom, you mama's ass!!!
Kyo: Oh.
Vice: Wait, you're a servent of God, right?
Spectre: Yes.
Vice: How come you're using bad language?
Spectre: Huh? (Angel hands him a demerit.)
Kyo: That answers that.
Spectre: DAMN IT!!!! (handed another demerit.) OH FUCK ME!!!(and another.) JESUS CHRIST!!! (and another...) SON OF A GODDAMNED BITCH ON FUCKING WELFARE WITH A CRACKBABY & FUCKING WHORES ON THE SIDE----

187 demerits later...

Spectre: I hope you're happy
Vice: ^_^

Spectre: Anyway, Bison & Geese have gone back in time & I need you to stop them.
Iori: Why not get Ryu & the Capcom guys? They seem to fit in quite well with these types.
Spectre:I said we needed to stop them, not have an over the top cheesefest of a fight.
Vice: Right.
Spectre: I'll transport you all back in time to meet with the Super Friends.
Vice: Say...
Spectre: No. You will NOT tell my past self that I will go berserk one day & become an all powerful being before I ultimately sacrifice my life to save Earth. It would be a bad idea.
Vice: Damn.
Iori: Are we getting paid for this?
Kyo: He's an agent of God...what do you think?
Iori: Damn morals.
Spectre: Let's go.

(The team is teleported in front of Justice League HQ)

Iori: You'd think they could hire better builders.
Kensou: Well, that's DC for you.

(Meanwhile in a swamp.)

Geese: Gah, this place reeks, what kinda dumbass actually enjoys living here?
Solomon Grundy: Solomon Grundy feel at home!
Bison: v_v
Solomon: What wrong with funny man in red tights?
Geese: Nothing, Hulk clone. Where's the crew at?

(The HQ of the Legion of Doom rises from the depths.)

Geese: You know, at least you had a complex & intricate HQ built into a volcano.
Bison: Are you kidding? You know how many crime bosses would kill to have a HQ like your tower?
Geese: Actually, from Billy's last estimate, 23 have tried to--
Bison: Never mind. Let's just do this?

(Geese & Bison go before the LOD.)

Lex Luthor: Welcome, new comrades, to our brotherhood!
Cheetah: AHEM!!!
LL: What?
Cheetah: You know. there's at least two women here
Giganta: It's really not appropriate to say that.
LL: For crying out loud, it's just an EXPRESSION!!!
Cheetah: Yeah, sure, whatever pig.
LL: Why did I even hire you?
Giganta: Equal Female Villain Rights Union Act.
LL: ...that is the LAST TIME we let Penguin make the deciding vote.
Geese: Oh boy...
Bison: Relax, just remember the plan.
LL: So, what are your qualifications?
Bison: I wield Psycho Power, which allows me to do things like fly at people while I'm on fire.
Riddler: That doesn't sound too useful.
Bison: .... (Psycho Crushes Riddler.)
Riddler: x_X
Bison: Care for another demo?
Riddler: Can't talk...bleeding.
LL: And you...
Geese: I have tremendous skill at martial arts & manipulation of ki energy.
Black Manta: What good is THAT?
Geese: Let me show you...DEADLY RAVE!!!! (Beats the living hell out of Riddler.)
Riddler: pain...never...ending...
LL: Well, that certainly qualifies you, uh....
Geese: Geese Howard.
Bison: M. Bison (The LOD starts laughing.)
Scarecrow: What kinda silly name is THAT?!
Captain Cold: Did you escape from the zoo?
Bison: Urge to kill...RISING!!!
Geese: Allow me...Raging.....STOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

(Geese totally thrashes the LOD.)

LL: Well, so much for my ribs....
Geese: I motion we all vote me as head of the LOD. All in favor say 'aye'.
LOD: Aye!
Geese: Oppose?
Sinestro: ...nay...
Geese: :( DOUBLE REPPUKEN!!!!....Now, let's try this again....

Special Star effect takes us back to the Hall of Justice.)

Superfriends Announcer: MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE....
Iori: What the...
Kyo: Who the hell was that?
Spectre: The narrator of the story.
Kensou: Does he have to sound like a total tool?
Spectre: Well, to be honest, he IS a tool.
Kensou: Oh.
Spectre: Well, let's go see the Justice League.

(The team enters the Hall of Justice.)

Superman: Great Scott!! Who are you people?
Iori: ...'Great Scott?' Is this what American chldren were subjected to in the past?
Kyo: Yeah, in a nutshell.
Vice: They have more idiotic catchphrases than this?
Iori: I can only guess. (The Spectre nods.)
Spectre: Greetings Superman. I am The Spectre & I bring you news of--
Superman: You know, you look familiar.
Spectre: Uh...no I don't. _ _
Superman: I never forget a face...
Spectre: Focus, Superman. I have brought these four fighters here to your time to--
Superman: Have you any friends in Coast City by any chance?
Spectre: No. Anyway I have brought these three here to aid you in...
Superman: You know, if I was a really intelligent guy, I would guess that you are the ghostly image of an older Hal Jordan, who went berserk after Coast City is destroyed & absorbed all the power of the Green Lanterns, called himself Parallax & after many great battles, sacrificed his life to save Earth only to return as The Spectre...but that's only a silly theory.
Spectre: _ Try to focus, Super- Fucking-Jackass. (Gets handed a demerit.)
Superman: Hey, Hal used to say that!
Spectre: ...great, he's on to me.
Vice: Let me take care of this. (French kisses Superman.)
Kyo: O_O
Kensou: What are you doing?
Vice: Wiping his mind, of course!
Kyo: IS THAT HOW YOU BRAINWASHED MY DAD?
Vice: Well, it was a last minute thing. Hypnosis is a tricky business.
Kyo: YOU SLIPPED MY DAD THE TOUNGE?!
Vice: Like I wanted to!!! His breath reeks of cod liver oil & bad sushi!
Iori: Well, there's another image forced into my head.
Kensou: I wonder if she could do the same thing with Athena...
Iori: Cool those hormones kid.
Superman: Uh, who are you people?
Spectre: I'll explain.

(five minutes later..)

Superman: This is serious.
Spectre: Yes, it is Superman.
Superman: Are you SURE you're not....
Spectre: YES DAMN IT!!! (is handed a demerit.)
Iori: Oh boy...
Spectre: Now, before I get another one of these, let me explain...these people are going to help you & the rest of the Justice League...
Superman: Superfriends.
Spectre: ...whatever... They are here to help you stop the LOD. (Some other Superfriends enter.)
Batman: What have we here?
Robin: Holy funky daywear Batman, look at what that guy is wearing!!
Kyo: And what is wrong with my new jacket? I got tired of wearing a high school uniform. Get off my case!
Black Vulcan: Robin's a bit...touched. Deal with it.
Iori: Let me guess, your super hero name name has the word 'Black' in it.
Black Vulcan: Yeah...blame Hanna Barbera's writers. Like kids can't tell I'm black.
Aquaman: So, what are your super powers?

Kensou: Our powers? Well, I have immense kung fu skills & tremendous psychic powers...Vice & Iori wield the powers of Orochi & Kyo burns stuff. And your powers are...
Aquaman: I can telepathically summon the creatures of the sea.
Iori: And?
Aquaman: I can swim really fast.
Iori: Well, can you control water?
Aquaman: Yeah...so long as I am underwater.
Iori: ...Kyo, can I talk to you for a second?

(Iori & Kyo leave the room.)

Kyo: Let me guess...
Iori: We are screwed if we have to rely on Aquaman to save our asses.
Kyo: I know, I know. He's so goddamned lame. We'll have to come up with a plan.

(They return.)

Apache Chief: These people...seem..strong enough.
Black Vulcan: You can talk faster Apache Chief, these people are intelligent.
Apache Chief: THANK GOD!!! I felt my brain turning to mush.
Kensou: ...H-B?
Apache Chief: Damn straight!

Black Vulcan: You see, HB thought it would be best to ask the Justice League to have some more 'diverse' super heroes on their team. Namely guys like us.
Iori: Well, that explains a lot.
El Dorado: Yeah. I mean look at me. I have powers like teleportation & invisibility & they call me El Dorado! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M MADE OUT OF FREAKIN' GOLD?!
Vice: Easy there, we feel your pain.
Black Vulcan: And to top it off, I think some of the latent stupidity is catching up to us. There's no one else who's got it worse than me.
Vice: Two words: Luke Cage.
B. Vulcan: I stand corrected.
Kyo: It can't possibly get worse. (The Wonder Twins & Gleeck walk in.) I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut.
Zan: Great Jupiters Jayna, who are these freaks!
Jayna: I don't know, Zan.
Iori: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A FREAK YOU HOMOSEXUAL LOOKING ELF FREAK?!
Kyo: Somehow, I think you'll be doing this a lot.
A. Chief: Trust us, you will.

Iori: So, what should we do?
Kyo: I guess we could evaluate all of them individually & see what we have to work with?
Batman: What is this all about?
Kensou: Time travel stuff. Some of our bad guys came back in time to recruit the Legion of Doom.
Robin: Holy sinister alliances!
Kensou: ...you know, I wonder if those guys are making any progress.

(Star effects take us back to the LOD.)

Narrator: Elsewhere at the Legion of---ACCCKCKKK!!!!!

(Struggling sounds as someone is fighting over the microphone.)

K': Hey, how's it hanging? I'll be taking announcing for this fic for now on...or something. I don't care.
Heidern: If you wanna get paid, act like you give a rat's ass.
K': Well, since you put it like that...OK, so Geese & Bison had a little work of their own to do.

(The LOD main hall. Geese is at the head of the podium.)

Geese: Geez, this is a little high. Couldn't you get a huge chair instead of this big ass podium.
Gorilla Grodd: It wasn't *sllllluuurppp* in the budget.
Geese: That's why you steal the merchandise. You're an evil organization, remember?
M. Bison: You have to remember, these guys have lost more times than Dan.
Geese: Good point.
M. Bison: Anyway, can someone fill us in on the deal with you guys?
LL: Sure. We are villains banded together from remote regions of the galaxy to---
Geese: Now stop right there. First off, I just realized something. Most of you are from Earth, right?
Scarecrow: Yeah?
LL: The only ones from space are Bizarro, Brainiac & Sinestro. So how the hell are you from remote galaxies?
Braniac: Geese's logic is correct. Who WAS the idiot that came up with this?

(All look at Riddler.)

Riddler: HEY! You try typing up mission statements at three in the morning.
Geese: ....Well, there's going to be some radical changes to this organization!
LL: How so?

(Geese Tower, San Francisco.)

M. Bison: You had a tower in San Fran?
Geese: Well, I have more than one account. We can sacrifice this account for these guys. Anyway, I've come up with a solution to our problem.
Bison: Look, things are dire, I know, but you didn't have to come all this far to jump off of Geese Tower.
Geese: No, this time it's different. We're going to thin the herd a bit here.

LL: What is the meaning of this?
Geese: It's gut check time. What's gonna happening is this: All you have to do is fall off of this tower & survive. If you do, you stay in.
Riddler: Are you insane. Only a couple of us can survive!
Geese: It's easy. Watch! (Geese jumps off of Geese Tower. 20 minutes later, Geese returns.) See it's simple.
Scarecrow: Why don't you do it?
Bison: I don't do that sorta thing. I blow up. (On cue, Bison uses Self Destruct, setting Scarecrow on fire.)
Scarecrow: AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Plummets to his death. Bison reenters from the roof door.)
Bison: Hey, where'd Scarecrow go?
Geese: Ummmm...depending on whether or not you believe in such a thing, Hell I would wager.

(In Hell.)

Scarecrow: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Oni: Oh be quiet!
Scarecrow: Where the heck am I?
Oni: You're in the Home For Infinite Losers.
Scarecrow: Don't you mean....
Oni: We can't say that word on American TV.
Scarecrow: Oh. (Freeza appears.)
Freeza: Ok, this section of the story was lame. So...how'd you get here?
Scarecrow Fell off of Geese Tower.
Freeza: At least you had a quick death. Try being beaten, blown up & revivedonly to be sliced, diced & reduced to atoms.

(Back on Earth.)

Geese: Well, we have too many evil geniuses here, so we'll start with you three. (Points to Riddler, Braniac & Luthor.)
LL: Ummm...I think I should be excluded from this since I do provide the majority of the funds.
Geese: Nope, no can do.
LL: _ _ Look, it's Power Girl in a halter top!!!
Geese: WHERE?! (Geese turns to look. Luthor pushes Riddler off.)
Riddler: YOU SON OF A-----(dies.)
Geese: Huh? Oh well. Now it's just down to you & Brainiac.
Brainiac: Upon careful observation, I have determined the correct way to properly fall onto the ground at 90 MPH. Observe. (Jumps. A few seconds later, a explosion rocks the area.)
Geese: Hmmmm...
Bison: I guess you stay Luthor.

(In Hell---er I mean Home For Infinite Losers.)

Brainiac: I seem to be in another dimension.
Freeza: Insert your own 'Bad American DBZ Dubbing' joke here ladies & gentlemen. (A few seconds later, Captain Cold joins them.)
C. Cold: Well, that certainly sucked.
Oni: Great, now we have enough people for a game we've been organizing!
Scarecrow: Huh?
Riddler: Hey, I love games! What is it?
Oni: It's time for the HFIL version of 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' where the points don't matter & Riddler wears lily panties!
Riddler: They're LILAC!!!
Brainiac: O_0
Freeza: O-KAYYYYYYl, that was unsettling...

(Switching back to JL headquarters.)

K': Ok, so while Geese & Bison decided to thin the herd, our heroes as they were decided to start evaluating the Superfriends.
Iori: Ok, state your name please.
Samurai: I am Samurai.
Kensou: ...you don't LOOK like a samurai. Just some guy in a old rotted vest.
Samurai: I have the powers of the North Wind.
Iori: Wait a sec...I just have to ask, do you have a relative by the name of Leopold Goenitz by any chance?
Samurai: Uh...no.
Iori: Damn.
Kensou. Well, what can we do with him?
Vice: I say he needs to be retrained. Wind powers are good, but from this battle footage I've seen of the Justice League, his basic combat skills are...poor.
Samurai: I have the powers of my great ancestors to back me up!
Kyo: True, but do you actually USE Bushido fighting style?
Samurai: Uh...I see.
Kyo: Ok, someone get me my Rurouni Kenshin training guide.

The next heroes...)

Iori: State your names for the record.
Zan: I am Zan.
Jayna I am Jayna.
Vice: And explain your powers.
Zan: When we touch our fists, we activate our alien powers.
Jayna: Like I can turn into any animal.
Zan: And I can change into a form of water.
Iori: ....water...right.
Vice: Ummm...why do you have to touch fists?
Zan: What do you mean?
Vice: I mean, can't you activate your powers on your own?
ayna: I dunno...Zan always said we had to do things together all the time.
Iori: (whispering) Vice, please let us not take that line of questioning any further. I don't even wanna go there.
Vice: Right...well let's see the footage.
Zan: Ok...(Zan pops in a tape. We see footage of two monkeys, one of them Gleeck, fighting with kukiri knives. Zan's in the background with a stack of money, accompanied by Guy Gardner.)
Guy: C'mon Gleeck, stick & move! Stick and move.
Zan: Give him the Zal'errian Gut Twister. (A few swipes fill the air & a streak of blood hits the camera.) He ain' t pretty no more!
Vice: 0_0
Iori Good thing Terry is here, or he'd have a fit!!! (Terry runs in.)
Terry: YOU SCUM!!!!!POWER DUNK!!!!!(beats the hell out of Zan.)
Vice: Pure evil that boy...wait Terry, where did you come from?
Terry: Spectre came & recruited me. Something about Super Dumb Ass fouling things up. I assumed he was talking about Dan of course, but then he explained about Geese.
Iori: Right...
Jayna: I can't believe you would subject Gleeck to that. And to think I allowed you to play...

(Ladies & Gentlemen, the following, 10 line exchange has been censored by the Knights of Standards & Practices because it is way too suggestive, way too sick & is on the borderline of vulgarity. Besides, incest humor is not funny. Wait, am I allowed to say incest. Oh shit, I just fucked up didn't I? Well to goddamned hell with that bullshit, this is the uncensored version, so I can say whatever the fuck I want!!! Here's the rest of this conversation.)

Iori: Zan, you're fired.
Zan: Damn. Good thing I didn't bring up the---

(Right, that's enough of that.)

Iori: Wouldn't it be a better idea to let the authors handle this? Those Gamefaqs guys can handle this stuff better than we can.
Kyo: Good question. I wonder what they are up to....

(The present, at a nondescript cafe...and you might understand this if you go to Gamefaqs, otherwise, it's mostly in jokes about us)

Saisyu: YOU CALL UNN-KOO'S BAR WHAT?
Kairi: Shingo, why is he looking over my shoulder as I'm typing?
Shingo: You're asking me? I'm trying to think up of a new edition to this story.
F. Dave: That reminds me...update BB tournament. Now, you ready Taylor?
Kairir: Yup! (NES walks in.)
NES: Where were you guys?
Shingo: ...damn I thought we lost him.
Kairi: Don't disturb us, we're trying to play a card game.
F. Dave: Yeah, we've been trying to play all day!
NES: Poker?
Kairi: No, it's something I just developed. The CvS Social Board Trading Card game.
Shingo: It's like Yu Gi Oh, but with more alternate personalities.
F. Dave: I got my 'Saikyo Masters of England' Deck ready. How about you?
Kairi: Heh, with the cards I got from the 'Palidor's Secret Weapons Cache' expansion pack, I'm sure you don't stand a chance! Let's duel!

(Shingo looks through his own deck.)

Shingo: Now, where did I put that card?

NES: What are you loking for?
Shingo: Ah, of course! (Pulls a card out of his headband, which has a picture of Saisyu with a dead lizard in his hand.) I was hoping I'd find this. The 'Saisyu Prepares A Chi Spell' Card.
NES: A ch spell card?
Shingo: Well, actually, it's a delay tactic spell to buy more time.
NES: I see...now if any of this made any sense...
Shingo: Somehow, I knew you'd say that, so...(pulls out a huge billboard.) The game is a hybrid of Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic, Pokemon & a standard KOF game. The game's objecty is to win in two rounds. You have your choice of main fighters to use. When you lose a round you have to take out the fighter card & replace it with the next one.
NES: How do you attack?
Kairi: Well, you have your basic attack cards, like palm strikes, throws, punches, kicks & defense cards. You also use cards to do special attacks & weapons, like this card. (Holds up 'The Duct Tape' card.)
F. Dave: You can also summon creatures to help you out. (The door opens & Master Tonberry comes in & gives Shingo some cards.)
NES; Sounds complicated.
Kairi: Trust me it's not.
Shingo: Cool, I got some Esper cards.
Kairi: You use summon cards like attack cards, but you can only use them one. The attack cards can be used again, but you put the summon cards in the discard pile.
F. Dave: Also, each main fighter character card that you use has a different set of stats.
Shingo: Yeah, like my basic card. I have low hp, but since I have a speed ability, I can do two attacks in one turn.
NES: Ok, I see.
Kairi: Well, for the benefit of anyone who wanna do some photoshop & make their own mock cards of this, here's the stats for our cards.

S. Taylor (fighter)
HP: 1200
Attack: 100
Defense: 250
Magic Alignment: Earth

Fat Dave (fighter/ranger)
HP: 3000
Attack: 250
Defense: 200
Magic Alignment: Earth

Shingo (apprentince)
HP: 1100
Attack: 100
Defense: 99
Ability: Speed

Shingo: Now, is this the part where we debut the game?
F. Dave: No, this is the part where we get back to the regular story. We'll show the card game later.
Kairi: Yeah. Besides, this next part...is about to get as politically incorrect as I can get within the guidelines.
Shingo: Well....we could always sneak in a Monty Python sketch.
F. Dave: Right. Cue the next scene.

(A Sakazaki dojo. Ryo is sparring.)

Ryo: It's a man's life in the Sakazaki school of Martial Atrs. (Cammy steps in, with a Class A uniform on.)
Cammy: Right, enough of that! There will be no misuse of the old British Army slogan. Get on with it!!

(Back to the past. Superman is arguing with Robin.)

Superman: Excuse me, miss!
Robin: I'm a man, idiot.
Superman: Sorry, I have a bit of a cold. I wish to register a complaint about this bat you sold me an hour ago.
Robin: Ah yes, the uh, Peruvian Black. Beautiful wingspan. What seems to be the problem?
Superman: I'll tell you what's wrong--it's bleeding dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Terry: ....
Iori: They've been doing Python sketches over an hour now.
Kyo: And REALLY badly too. Are we sure these guys can handle the task of saving the world.
Kensou: Well, all things considered, we don't have much choice.
Spectre: We are the knights who say 'nee'.
Jayna: NEE!!!
Vice: Alright, enough of this silliness. Who do we see next?

(Wonder Woman walks in)

WW: So, what is this about?
Vice: 0_0 HATCHI MATCHI!!!!!!!!
Terry: DUDE!!!
Iori: HOMANAHOMANAHOMANA!!!!!
Kensou: Going...into cardiac arrest...must...mace myself...must be...true to...Athena!!

(Present.)

Bao: Why are you drinking like a drunkard?
Athena: After seeing...THAT, any thought of being intimate with Kensou makes me wanna down a Jack Daniels.

(Return.)

WW: An intervie? Ok. Who do I need to see. (All except for Kensou & Vice are fighting.)

Kyo: I SAW HER FIRST!!!!
Iori: THE HELL YOU WILL, I'M DOING IT!! YOU ALREADY HAVE A GIRL!!!
Kyo: SO DO YOU!!!
Terry: SCREW BOTH OF YOU I'M DOING THIS!!!
WW: So, what's going on.
Vice: Forget those silly men. (Puts an arm around her.) This only needs a woman's touch, don't you agree.
WW: I guess...
Vice: Come with me, let us...talk.
Kensou: Ok, who wants to bet this goes from standard Taylor comedy to ecchi fanboy fantasy comedy in one minute.

(Another room...which is dimly lit. Barry White is playing in the background as Wonder Woman is seated on a velvet couch. Vice brings in a tray with a bottle of wine & two glasses and sits down near her.)

Vice: Care for a Zifandel? Good grapes.
WW: Yes, thank you. (sips a bit as Vice nonchalantly takes one button off her dress.) You're quite...friendly.
Vice: Well, us girls should really stick together. So, any past boyfriends? (inches closer to Wonder Woman.
WW: No. I was raised by the Amazons on our island & men are forbidden.
Vice: You mean...no boyfriends?
WW: It never seems to work out. (Vice inches even closer.)
Vice: Well, there are quite a few...things I can teach you.
WW: Really. (Vice gets REALLY close to her.)
Vice: Oh yes...quite

(Back to the present. Taylor is face first in the keyboard as Mature holds a mallet.)

Mature: No, I'M the only one in Vicey pooh's life!!!
S. Taylor: Oro?

Later...)

Kyo: So, to run it down...
Iori: We have some seriously warped superheroes working here who have more psychosis problems then all three members of the CYS band...
Terry: And the only ones who are any use need to be retrained.
Kensou: Right.
Spectre: I see...and Wonder Woman?
Kyo: Is still being seduced by Vice. (Kensou nosebleeds.)
Spectre: I see.... u_u
Iori: I can only wonder what the other villains are doing.

(The Legion of Doom HQ, Geese Tower. A sign is at the lobby that reads 'Open Villian Tryouts.)

Geese: Now this is a good idea Bison.
Bison: Indeed, now that Riddler, Captain Cold, Scarecrow & Braniac are dead, we actually have a chance to get more useful allies.
Geese: Well, we;ll need a few more. I just downsized Gorilla Grood.
Bison: Why?
Geese: Luthor made a machine that made Grood as intelligent as a normal person. And since his fighting ability is about as useful as Crystal Pepsi, I decided to get rid of him.
Bison: I wonder whatever happened to him?

(Somewhere in Japan. Grood is sharing an apartment with a young Shigeru Miyamato.)

GG: You want be to be the model for what?
Miyamato: I wanna use your likeness to create the basis for a character I've been developing. A ape, not too big.
GG: Well, maybe you could call him Kong or something.
Miyamato: Yeah, I suppose. But who should I pitch the idea to?
GG: Beats me. Hey, I'm interning at this card company that's branching out to computers or something. They need a programmer.
Miyamato: What the hell, I guess I could just eek out a couple of stuff for them.
GG: Well, you never know.

(Back to Geese Tower.)

Bison: I see...
Geese: I also fired Giganta.
Bison: Where's she at now?

(Leonardo, NJ.)

Giganta: Oh well, I guess this is better than nothing. (Opens the Quick Stop & notices two small kids standing nearby.) Shouldn't you kids be at school or something?
Jay: Naw, it's a half day, so me & Silent Bob here thought we just kick back & drink a few slurpees, ya know? Check out the chicks, get our groove, ain't that right tubby?
Silent Bob: ....
Giganta: Right...well, here, knock yourselves out. (Hands them a tape of Morris Day & The Time.)
Jay: What's this !@#$ Silent Bob, you ever hear of these guys?
Silent Bob: ....
Jay: You still mad about that Randall !@#$%^&*@? Man, just forget about that punk ass !@#$!, he's just bitter!
Silent Bob: ....

the Super Villain Tryouts.)

Geese: Ok, give me your name.
Killer Croc: ame's Killer Croc. Former pro wrestler turned career criminal.
Geese: Ok, what are your qualifications?
KC: Well...I do have super strength...plus I can swim underwater real well.
Geese: That's good and all...but we are looking for more of a 'Savant' kind of menacing grotesque brute.
KC: I see...darn.
Geese: Maybe next week, if we decide to let Black Manta go.

(The next applicant.)

Geese: Your name?
Metallo: I am Metallo.
Geese: And what do you do?
Metallo: I am powered by kryptonite. I am an equal for Superman in many ways...plus I can get you into the best hentai sites with my encrypting nodes!
Geese: Wait the internet doesn't exist in this era.
Metallo: I got here through a time warp. Rather weird story...

(2002. Quick Stop.)

Randall: I'm just saying man, since the whole supervillian thing doesn't work anymore, ya gotta go the Bil Gates way. Yopu got the smarts & the money.
Metallo: Yeah, but I wanna cut my teeth in retail, ya know, get an insight to what people want.
Randall: Trust me, this place is at the bottom of the monetary chain. This is where the misfits of society reign.
Metallo: Well, two more hours 'til Dante comes back...now, what was wrong with the air conditioner in the video store.
Randall: Oh, something about a large, interdimensional rift in the time-space continuim screwing up the air ducts.
Metallo: Again?

(The next villian...)

Geese: Are you even supposed to be here? I mean, you're normally associated with Marvel.
????: You can trust me. I have done more damage to certain superhereos than any villian can hope to accomplish.
Bison: Well, I've seen his resume & his handiwork...he's gotten pretty vicious over time. He would be perfect.
Geese: Well then, welcome to the fold...Larry Hama!!!!
Hama: Delighted.
SFX: DA DA DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Present. Taylor sneezes.)

S Taylor: Hmmm...I just had this weird feeling that something really stupid just happened.
F. Dave: You mean another NES fic?
NES: Hey, I'm still here.
F. Dave: I know. Why?

(Past again.)

Geese: Well, is there anyone else?
Toyman: Hello, what's this? (A small little clown comes his way.)
Geese: ...say Bison...
Bison: WAY ahead of you. (Hides behind bomb blast area. A few seconds later, as Toyman admires the little toy, it blows up.)
Toyman: x_X (dies)
????: AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Geese: Well, it was only a matter of time.
Joker: Oh, mother was always right about those things. I could put an eye out with that. Not to mention a spleen a kidney, an aeorta...
Geese: Well well, if it isn't the last guy I'd expect to see...Joker.
Joker: Oh, why so glum, Duck? Surely falling out of your own skyscraper isn't that depressing?
Geese: How'd you get here?
Joker: A time portal in the cupboard. So sue me.

(Back at JLA Headquarters, next day.)

Iori: So, what do you think?
Kensou: Well, I think we could have Batman go over some training to make him more of a useful hero. Robin on the other hand...we can't get rid of him, can't we?
Terry: No. What about sending him on a training journey or something?
Kyo: That could work out for us. What about Aquaman?
Iori: I say we fire him. He is only good if he's underwater or something, otherwise he's literal dead weight.
Kensou: Maybe not. I got a radical idea that just might work.
Terry: Well, it it upgrades him from extremely useless to complete badass, I'm all for it.
Kensou: Speaking of badasses, has anyone seen Vice?
Iori: No, I haven't.
Kyo: Me neither. (Vice walks in wearing a robe, holding a cup of orange juice.)
Vice: Good morning!
Iori: You're in a extremely good mood. And you only seem that happy after you either beat the snot out of somebody or you & Mature....it's the latter, isn't it?
Vice: Yup!
Kensou: You did what?!
Vice: Oh, don't act so surprised! We just had ourselves a bit of...fun. At three hour intervals to be precise.
Kyo: Um, have we gone over the acceptable ecchi limit for the day? (Wonder Woman walks in, also wearing a robe.)
Iori: No, I don't think so.
WW: Thank you for lending us the video camera Iori.
Kyo: O_O
Iori: Uh, yeah sure.
Terry: If this isn't borderline of modding, I don't know what is.
Iori: They're not as bad as the NES postings. And I thought Smash was bad enough.
Kyo: Please don't remind me. I spent 3 days doing some hard drinking to forget the previous material he unleashed.
Iori: Three days? Amatuer. Try a week of some serious sake shots!
Kensou: I managed to blind myself with mace before I finished a paragraph.
Terry: I had Vice wipe my memory. Tee hee hee.

(Back to the villians)

Geese: Hmmm...
Joker: Why so grim? Haven't killed a Bogard lately?
Geese: It's not that. I'm trying to figure out what big crime we should pull of as part of the new Legion of Doom.
Joker: Oh that...well, we could just kill a whole city of innocents. Or have a bake sale.
Metallo: Forget that 'Kill A City' nonsense. Remember what happened to Cyborg?
M. Bison: Oh yeah, that. You know, maybe we should call in Darkseid. The tem needs a real good heavy hitter.
Geese: Hey, yeah.
Sinistro: I tried. I can't seem to get anyone to answer the communicator. It's like the planet disappeared from the cosmos.

(A day earlier, planet Apokolyps.)

Darkseid: I wonder how I can convince Wonder Woman to become my bride?
Desaad: Uh, I have a suggestion...how about making this planet look like regular people can actually WORK here? It's a worker's comp nightmare!!!
Darkseid: What do you mean? It's a glorious representation of my awesome godly power!
Kalibak: Godly power my ass! You got whupped by Superman.
Darkseid: This is because I wouldn't give you plastic surgery for your birthday, isn't it?
Kalibak: DING DING DING!!! You actually got a clue, 'father'!!
Desaad: Besides, we got more pressing things to worry about than you trying to bed Wonder Bra!
Darkseid: Like what?
Desaad: That. (Points to Galactus, who is standing outside.)
Galactus: I hunger...
Darkseid: Oh #$%^!!! Quick, we need to perform extreme tactical measures!
Desaad: Right! I'll call Taco Bell!!!
Galactus: I hunger for a planet, jackass.
Darkseid: You don't wanna eat us. Try New Genesis.
Galactus: I did...who do you think sent me?
Desaad: ...those hippie, peace loving bastards are more evil than I calculated.
Galactus: But this planet is too, well, %^&%$# up for my appetite. I'll go somewhere else...(flies off)
Darkseid: Wonder where he went....

(Planet of the Apes.)

Galactus: Now THIS is more like it.
Dr. Saius: Damn. First the humans & now this. I'm ending it all. (blows his brains out.)

Darkseid:Well, I guess that crisis is averted.
Desaad: Uh....(looks outside.)
Granny: Holy !@#$%, what is THAT?!!! (sees a even worse threat than Galactus in the sky...UNICRON!!!)

(aboard Unicron.)

Unicron: What planet is this?
Galvatron: It's a planet called Apokalyps, described as a festering boil of the universe. It emits 20 different noxious gases & all tourists are promptly tortured on sight as a tradition upon the first day of arrival.
Unicron: Hmmm, looks tasty. I'll eat this.
Galvatron: And what of New Genesis?
Unicron: Screw it. Not even Galactus wanted a bite of it

Desaad: Any ideas?
Kalibak: How about bending over & kissing my ass goodbye?
Desaad: Tempting...
Kalibak: ....amazing what I learn before my grotesque demise at the hands of a planet eater. Any ideas Dad?

(Darkseid has jumped through a Jump Gate.)

Kalibak: ...bastard. (Apokolyps is eaten.)

(The present.)

S. Taylor: Ok. let's shuffle our cards.
F. Dave: Alright. (A jump gate appears.)
S. Taylor: What the hell is THAT?!
Shingo: Looks like a dimensional gateway. (All look at NES.)
NES: What? I did nothing!!!
F. Dave: Yeah, right! Mr. 'Abuse Time & Space Eo His Whims' Sonic has nothing to do with this.
NES: I'm serious!! (Darkseid walks out.)
Darkseid: Hmmm...
Shingo: You sure make some odd friends...
NES: Very funny!
Darkseid: I guess now that my planet is cannon fodder, I can rule here.
S. Taylor: Right. Before we have your ass kicked, are you connected in any way to the perverted hedgehog over here?
Darkseid: No. I have standards. Now bow before your ruler!!
Shingo: Stay cool. I got this one. (dials number. Orochi appears.)
S. Taylor: Since when do you have Orchi on speed dial.
Shingo: Since NES had that godawful casino trip you were an unwilling part of.
F. Dave: Don't remind me. And we need to talk about my therapy bills...
NES: Oh boy….

Darkseid: And who might you be, inferior being?
Orochi: I am one with 'Gaia'. I am a living weapon of Heaven.
Darkseid: And I see you have a suckass tattoo artist. What, did little Billy Fergusion forget how to draw a dragon? What a load!!
Orochi: ...can I kill him now?
Shingo: Sure, go ahead.
F. Dave: Knock yourself out.
S. Taylor: Make it quick.
Darkseid: Behold the fist of a titan!!! (punches Orochi several times...but Orochi is not noticing as he is staring at NES.)
NES: ...
Orochi: ...
NES: What?!
Orochi: I can't believe you STILL won't listen to all those warnings Taylor gave you. (Darkseid is still punching at him.)
Darkseid: Uh...hello?
NES: Hey, I'm just trying to leave a good impression, that's all.
Orochi: Yeah, you make a good impression all right...right over the walls!!!
Darkseid: Hello?
NES: At least I didn't get my ass kicked by Iori & Kyo!
Orochi: WHAT?! At least I'm not a freaky pervert who seems to think gang rape images are interesting!!!
NES: AT LEAST I'M GETTING SOME!!!
Darkseid: Ok, time for my EYE BEAMS OF DOOM!!! (eyes glow orange.)
Orochi: (pushes Darkseid away.) Step aside little man! Some thwack is gonna be thrown down & we wouldn't want you to get hurt!!
NES: The only one getting hurt is you!!!
Darkseid: This is a new low for me...