Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Sorry it's late. The time difference here in Australia means that although I update everyday, it takes a while for the server to figure this out so bear with me and of course, R&R. And to that one person who didn't offer any constructive criticism but only launched a personal attack at me instead of my work I say this. If you haven't got the guts to sign the "review" and quit hiding behind the shield of anonymity, then you're just wasting your time.
Naruto stared at the file before him. He felt like storming over to the Hokage's office and demanding that he be reassigned somewhere else. That would have been stupid however. The last person who did that was Sasuke. He had been saddled with a diplomatic courier job and protested it vehemently. He had been sent to a remote observational outpost for three months. No there had to be another way to get around this.
He also had to manage to get out of it by the end of the day. He remembered an appointment to see the girls about furnishing the apartment. Inwardly he cringed. Naruto had totally forgotten that.
He had to get help.
Naruto ran through the tunnels of his mind, looking for the Kyuubi. He needed its diabolical cunning, its intimate knowledge of Machiavellian evil. He could only think of one being more dastardly and despicable but unfortunately, he was on his genin team.
Naruto had to settle for second-best.
He noticed that the walls of his mind were once again dank and smelly, if anything, it had gotten worse in the last few days. Now they were almost claustrophobic.
Probably ever since the girls moved in, Naruto snickered.
He burst through a door marked "Private" and nearly had a heart attack.
It was a stone chamber, with hooks and chains dangling from the ceiling. There were manacles hanging from the walls. He whirled around saw an iron maiden in the corner and a large rack in the centre of the room.
Kyuubi was standing next to a rubber dummy of a bitch fox dressed in an executioner's mask and no less than eight studded leather brassieres. It was hanging, suspended by its forelegs and had a gag in its mouth. He was standing right next to it, dressed in S&M gear, holding a cat-o'-nine-tails whipping the dummy in one claw and whacking off with the other.
This was a sight more disturbing than when he had caught Jiraiya and Tsunade humping on her desk. Not even the sight of Pervert-sennin's old shrivelled balls slapping up against her arse, with her legs sticking in the air could compare to this. Maybe. But it'd be close.
Naruto gagged. Kyuubi barely gave him a glance.
What in the name of flying FUCK do you think you're doing, you sick perverted fuck?
Kyuubi snorted. [Like you can say anything, you little brat. You've been ignoring all my calls for four days! You're absolutely wallowing in carnal pleasure and you don't even have the common decency to brag to me about it. I'm a ten thousand year old immortal and haven't been laid in about half that! I have to take what I can get!]
Naruto tried to get over his shock and explained about his situation with the Hokage.
...and curtains! Oh god, I forgot the curtains! Please, you've got to help meeeeeeee......
[Now look, you've got a good thing going right now. Don't mess it up because you haven't got the balls to take the good with the bad, gaki. I would kill to be in your position, I'd plunge the world into eternal darkness to be in your....well, I'd do that anyway....what?]
Stand down, would you? I don't want to keep staring full on your hard-on while we're talking alright? Naruto has holding a hand over his eyes.
Staring at the whip in one claw and staring at its crotch, Kyuubi snarled and tossed the whip over its shoulder and dropped to all fours.
[Sod it. I was getting bored anyway. It's just not the same. Ha! I bet you've been using the Heightening Touch Technique to good result in bed eh? Don't deny it. I bet you've been practicing it constantly. Listen kid, I've got the answers to all your problems here now. The second stage of the Mental Strength Discipline.]
[Look at these hand seals. They aren't the normal ones, so people won't recognise them. Now just copy me....]
[ Alright, I think you've got it. Now what it does is disconnect, for a few hours, your links in your brain which are attached to concepts like disgust, nausea or boredom. Things like that. You'll be able to flat out ignore those kinds of distraction and stay "interested". That could very well save your life one day. Alright? Now fuck off.]
Kyuubi got back up onto its hindlegs and picked up a white-hot poker and approached the dummy.
Naruto hurriedly left.
Now that was a disturbing encounter.
Kurenai knew things had changed with Neji and Tenten but she hadn't expected that. She didn't even know they were together but from the way Neji had been acting, he'd seemed like he was really close to her. Of course, Neji could have just been presumptuous again. Maito Gai said that occurred a lot.
Walking over to where Lee was salvaging the remains of his lunch, she sat down opposite him and asked what was wrong with Neji, who had slumped into unconsciousness, still hanging onto the counter. Whether it was the booze that had gotten to him or the sheer pain, it was hard to tell. Probably both. Kurenai was curious as to what had sparked that peculiar encounter and Lee appeared to be the best one to ask. Or at least the best one in the room. 'Ask ' was such an ephemeral word however.
Words like 'Fuck?' and 'Piss-wit' were mentioned as were 'Shit-for-brains' and 'What the..'. Kurenai was working herself up into a frenzy over a fellow woman's dilemma. Lee was calmly sitting there, sipping his tea and waited for her to run out of energy. God, he hated drinking tea.
Ignoring the other bar patrons who were also interested in what was going on, Lee began to explain.
Within a few minutes, there were new rumours circulating the village about the supposed sexual deviancy of the three young shinobi. Every citizen of Konoha, ninja and villager alike were chatting away about the latest stories from the rumour-mill. Some denounced the news as an affront to the Leaf's honour while others were asking around if it was possible to get in on the supposed orgies taking place. One naysayer said that it wasn't Hinata would got in on the menage a trois but actually Hiashi. Another gossip spouted off theories on human sacrifice and rubber dildos. This was contended by others who tried to explain about blades and genital mutilation. From here on in, the tabloids got even worse.
Naruto was having the time of his life. He had left the Kyuubi and re-entered the waking world. He was actually sitting down with Hinata and Tenten at the interior decorator's and was having a frank and serious discussion on the topic of fabric softener and he couldn't care less!
It was brilliant and it took a true evil genius mastermind to think of it.
I could kiss that baka fox!
But that'd be pretty grotty wouldn't it? Best not give the big hairy pervert any ideas.
Hinata, giddy with joy, rushed from one room to another, dragging Tenten with her to compare one colour combination with another. She was seriously thinking of a pale cream colour paint for the walls trimmed in pink. Tenten had other ideas, she considered a nice crystal blue with a light mauve trimming.
Naruto, still under the effects of the Brain Dampening Technique, suggested fiery orange and deep navy blue, just like his jumpsuit.
Hinata and Tenten whirled around and looked at him as if he had grown another head. Hinata's jaw dropped to the floor and Tenten developed a nasty tic above her left eye. Naruto appeared to be totally serious. He was taken aback by the girls' reaction to his statement. For the life of him, he couldn't understand what was so wrong about his house matching his clothes? He said as much.
"What?"
An orange and blue clad body smashed through the store's front window and landed in the street in a shower of glass, blood and most of the window's frame. Skidding in the dirt and leaving a long furrow, sliding him in the way of an oncoming wagon. The driver was oblivious to the fact that this patch of road was slightly bumpier than the rest and the figure groaned loudly as the oxen walked all over him and grunted in agony as the wagon rolled over his bruises and cuts. Already, his wounds smoked as they began to heal but it still hurt like hell. Naruto spat out some shards of glass and lay still for a moment.
They could have just said "no", he thought. This was really getting lame and despite the urgings of Kyuubi-sensei not to lose control, his eyes narrowed and flared red of their own accord.
Hinata stepped out of the wreckage of the store, Byakugan blazing on her angry face. Tenten leapt out and landed in a crouching position on the other side of the thoroughfare, flanking the irate ninja. She had a kunai sticking between her teeth and in her fists she brandished a handful of shuriken.
"I can't believe you Naruto!", Hinata screamed at him, infuriated at his attempt at trickery," I actually thought you were getting better - and you were using a genjutsu on yourself! You actually had us fooled that you were actually interested! If it was so boring, then why didn't you at least make some pathetic excuse and leave?" She was shaking in anger and looked ready to kill.
All the married men in the vicinity winced. Naruto had brought this on upon himself. Demon fox kid or no, they would (silently) mourn a lost comrade in the battle of the sexes.
Hinata charged, taking him by surprise, hands blurring through the seals and pumping chakra into her feet to increase her speed. Three Hinatas were charging at him from all directions, the Gentle Fist primed and readied.
The married women in the crowd were exulting and loudly cheering on a fellow sister-in-arms. The demon-spawned brat deserved exactly what he got.
Tenten circled around Naruto and slung her payload of shuriken at his back. He dodged easily but she started wrapping kunai in explosive notes.
One Kage-Hinata charged in from the left and delivered a flurry of blows at his head and chest while the other Kage-bunshin ran in from the right. Naruto blocked the attacks but was distracted for a split second and was therefore unprepared for the chakra reinforced knee that slammed up into his 'nads.
Some of the older greybeards started singing a mournful dirge, a testament to Naruto's late testicles. A few young girls were waving and wishing that they could be just like Hinata when they grew up.
Tenten had finished wrapping three kunai and leapt high in the air, even as the central Hinata performed a flying kick, channelling the Hyuuga Ryu through the heel and used his head as a stepping stone to backflip a safe distance away. Tenten, still in midair, threw her explosive barrage into Naruto's back and ignited them.
There was a mighty blast and when the smoke cleared, there was a crater in the middle of the road. Naruto was struggling to rise, shedding the dust that had settled on him. There was an enormous wound in the small of his back which even now the Kyuubi was struggling to heal.
Naruto was incensed and it was obvious. He was struggling to wrest the demon Kyuubi's chakra away from it. Kyuubi had other ideas, it was trying to hang on to it with every tooth and claw in the depths of Naruto's mind, screaming that he'd really regret it if he did something precipitous.
With an animalistic roar of fury, Naruto ripped the chakra away from the demon inside him and shoved it into his muscles, fortifying them and filling him with the power of gods.
In the darkness, Kyuubi groaned.
His clothes burst away from him as he swelled into enormity. He had fully six times the bulk that he had before. Arms and legs the size of tree-trunks, they literally pulsed with barely suppressed energy. Naruto's eyes had darkened to an angry crimson. Claws lengthening and with his teeth sharpening into fangs, he looked like he was about to do something....violent. Very violent.
A guttural snarl later, he banished the debris and smoke using his chakra with only a thought. The effect was like a windstorm but the girls stood their ground resolutely. They had yet to show their true strength either. Naruto tensed, looking ready to spring in a whirlwind of fangs and claws.
Tenten looked grimly at Hinata. They shared one last look between them and prepared their ultimate technique. The tension in the air was palpable, the other villagers could feel it too and they fell silent. Today a legend would fall. They looked grimly at the two kunoichi and nodded, man and woman alike.
Hinata looked at Tenten, a single tear rolling down her cheek, the other looked just as sad but they stood firm. Naruto would be hurt and they were anguished, inside, that they had to do this to him but he would be all the much more stronger for it.
Naruto yelled a scream like an animal in pain, an animal that wanted to share its agony and didn't care who it lashed out at.
It was time.
"NARUTO! You're demoted to the couch!", their chakra reinforced voices echoed over Konoha.
FUCKING HELL!
[I told you so, you damned brat]
Elsewhere, three genin were sitting propped up against a tree.
They were tired, hungry and pissed off. The three had really had it up to here with the new jounin sensei.
Konohamaru got up and screamed into the wilderness,
"Where the fuck are you, Naruto!?"