Chapter 1

The first two chapters in this story aren't as interesting, long or funny as the ones after it, so don't bother reading it if you aren't patient. Also, this is pretty much a stupid kind of story, so people who don't like those sorts, please don't read. Don't read if you don't like coarse language. Those who don't mind all this, have read Harry potter books and hate them, and who like lord of the rings but don't mind if the characters are 'made fun of' go ahead and enjoy. Most of the first chapter deals with Harry Pothead, but it won't continue like that.

In Lothlorién, in a distant land called Middle Earth... OK cut the crap. Let's just get straight to it! This is a story about a few psychos that go even more psycho. And, hey, they just happen to live in Middle Earth. Don't ask me how they got there. They just did. They're not elves. They're not hobbits, and they sure as hell aren't dwarves. They're TEENAGERS! And they lived in Lothlorién, in Galadriel's palace with all the luxuries in the world.

This story starts on a not so special day where everyone was in the TV room... watching TV.

"Hey Sylz," said Veronica, "Look! That 70s show is on!"

"Oh my God!!!" screamed Sylz, "I'm coming Kelso!" Sylz Ran like the wind into the TV room and sat down on the couch, pushing Gandalf off. "Get off old man," she said, "I'm going to marry Kelso one day."

Gandalf got up and grunted with disapproval in his voice. "Stupid teenagers. Always thinking so high of themselves..."

"Hey Grandpa," said Sylz, "shut up and get me a can of coke."

"I'll go," said Legolas, "Anything for you Sylz." He got up, and made his way to the door.

"Oooooh, Legolas likes Sylz," said Veronica.

"Shut the fuck up!" said Sylz. She wasn't too fond of Legolas. But unlike Sylz, some of the other girls absolutely loved him. These girls were Clare, Caitlin and Vanessa. The other girl, Kristina, was a big fan of Harry Pothead. Of course she didn't call him Pothead, but that's another story. Now, everyone had settled themselves in the room, peacefully watching that 70s show. All except Alana. Alana was not a girl. It as a monster with a large appetite for fresh meat, and it stunk.

Millions of miles away, however, a very ugly guy was sleeping.

Gryffindor Dormitory Harry Potter woke with a start. Or, Harry Pothead, as Malfoy now called him. 'I mean, honestly,' Harry thought to himself, 'if Malfoy thought it was getting serious between them, then he was way off. God, sometimes your exes just won't piss off and leave you alone.'

He tried to get up out of bed, but there was something heavy slumped on his lap.

"RON!" Ron woke with a start.

"What mummy? Is it time to go to school yet?"

"RON, you fuck ass, get the FUCK off me. How many times do I have to tell you? I do NOT want to be your boyfriend! I have one boyfriend, and one boyfriend only. For the moment. And that is Neville. He is my one true love, and if you have a problem with that, then you can go fuck my ass," screamed Pothead.

"Can I?" asked Ron.

"NO!!!" screamed Harry.

"What do you see in that fucking loser?" asked Ron, "He's not even toilet trained! He can't even wipe his own ass!" said Ron.

"Look, we're working on that. For now, he uses those pull-up nappies that they advertise on the telly," said Pothead.

"What if he peas when you're... you know... making love?"

"That's what makes it all the more interesting," said Pothead, "And he's better in bed than you and Malfoy put together. If you had just taken the time and gotten to know him, you would see what a jolly good fucker he is. And DON'T get any ideas. He's mine."

"Right," said Ron.

"Why don't you settle down with some other guy?" asked Harry.

"Um, Harry, if you haven't noticed, I haven't been as lucky as you. I mean, every guy that's gay in this school is totally attracted to you. You've had all kinds of relationships with a whole lot of different people, and you've chosen Neville over all those better looking guys," said Ron.

"Like who?" asked Harry.

"Well," started Ron, "first there was Snape, then Malfoy, Dumbledore, Gilderoy, Cedric, your godfather Sirius, the Sorting Hat-"

"Totally unsatisfying," pointed out Harry, "I mean, it was a hat for God's sake. And I'll have you know, Snape was cheating on me with Sirius, and I'm never speaking to either of them ever again. Malfoy was just too damn frisky. God! Every time we were in dungeons for potions he wanted a hand job AND a lap dance! And Dumbledore! Ewww! You should have seen it; it was all long and wrinkly. It looked like a boiled chicken drumstick that went off a couple of weeks ago."

"Ewww! Meningococcal!" said Ron.

"Oh, shut up Ron," said Harry. He looked down into the Quidditch pitch, and was reliving his romantic night with Neville in his mind. Oh that flabby body, and that oily, unwashed hair. Just the way Harry liked it. But then Ron interrupted. As usual.

"Harry?" asked Ron.

"WHAT!" said Harry.

"You know how so many gays wish they were you? I don't," said Ron.

"And why is that pray tell?" asked Harry.

"Well, even though all the guys go after you, which I do envy you for, I really don't like the fact that so many girls go after you too," said Ron.

"Please, let's not get into that," said Harry.

"Yeah, Hermione won't leave you alone," said Ron, "Ever since she found out you were gay, she's wanted you more than ever."

"Well she's not going to get me. Ever!" said Harry, "But it's not only Hermione. That stupid Chang girl tried to make out with me under the mistletoe, your sister Ginny -"

"Hey, I fixed that little problem. Remember, I told my parents that she was dating Hagrid and they disowned her. She no longer comes to this school," said Ron.

"Well thank God for that," said Harry, "And I think that there was one more female that really tried to get onto me. Oh yeah, Mcgonagal."

"Really?" asked Ron.

"Oh, I didn't tell you," said Harry, "You know how I was given a detention by her for absolutely no reason at all?"

"Yes, the one that you wouldn't shut up about," said Ron.

"Well, she was waiting for me in her office, and when I opened the door, she had transfigured her desk into a bed, and was lying across it naked," said Harry.

"Gross," said Ron.

"That's not all," said Harry, "I was totally freaked out. I hadn't seen a woman's body in years, and this one was just disgusting. Obviously I covered her up with something to avoid the sagginess, then I told her that I was a homosexual, and that I was already committed. But then she grabbed her wand and transformed herself into a man. And for some reason, I was reminded of Dumbledore."

"MENINGOCOCCAL!" screamed Ron.

"Yep, that was it, it looked exactly like Dumbledore's," said Harry. "That's rotten," said Ron.

"Anyway I've got Charms first with that short ass dick breath, Flitwick," said Harry.

"Bye," said Ron. Just as Harry was about to leave, he stopped.

"Ron?" he asked, "Have you seen my G-string. You know, the hole-proof, pink, sequined one?"

"Um, oh yeah, ha ha, that one. Um Harry, I kind of borrowed it," said Ron.

"What! You bastard. I bet you've got stains all over it. Give it to me. Is it washed?" asked Harry.

"Harry, I kinda lost it," said Ron.

"WHAT! HOW COULD YOU! THAT WAS MY PRIZED POSSESSION YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!" screamed Harry.

"I'm sorry," said Ron, "It didn't fit me, and I ripped it."

"YOU KNOW THAT I AM THREE SIZES SMALLER THAN YOU!" Harry screeched, "YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A BIG BUTT!"

"I was just trying to get a boyfriend," said Ron.

"Oh whatever," said Harry, and he left.

Back in Middle Earth "Marry me Kelso," said Sylz.

"Oh, shut up," said Veronica

"Don't tell her to shut up," said Legolas.

"ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!"

"Relax Alana!" said Veronica, "Clare, you'd better feed her before she eats Legolas."

"But the fish heads are in the giant fridge, all the way in the basement, and it's freezing down there," said Clare.

"Do I give a crap?" asked Veronica, "No, seriously, do I?" Clare got up and ran out the door, Alana following her, whilst drooling all over the carpet.

"Hey, hey, hey, I just got those cleaned," said Galadriel.

"This is gay," said Caitlin, "Why can't you just let Alana run wild and actually kill someone. I haven't witnessed her eating someone for years."

"Obviously you haven't been to Boromir's house in a while," said Veronica.

"Shut your trap," said Boromir, "I'm just lucky she spat me out."

"Will everyone please SHUT THE FUCK UP! Kelso's speaking," said Sylz.

"That's it, I've had it," said Vanessa. She got up to walk to the door, but Elrond was blocking the way.

"I'm afraid no one can leave this room, except a few that is," said Elrond, "In fact, some of you have to leave."

"Why?" asked Sylz, "cause if I leave, the TV's coming with me."

"I had a vision last night, and I'm afraid I don't know what the hell it means," said Elrond.

"Do you ever?" asked Veronica.

"Anyway," said Elrond, "will the following please exit the room immediately. Gandalf and Galadriel. The rest, stay here all day. But where's Clare and Alana? They need to be here too."

"Don't worry, they're not far off. I can hear them," said Vanessa.

"Vanessa, Alana can be two miles away and you would still hear her," said Veronica. Clare walked through the door, accompanied by Alana.

"We're back," said Clare.

"Good," said Elrond, "stay here and good day to you all." He left with Galadriel and Gandalf.

Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry Charms Class "Um, excuse me professor?"

"Why yes Harry, what can I do for you?" asked professor Flitwick.

"Could you please get Hermione off me? I'm trying to work and she's shoving a tail up my ass," said Harry.

"Sure Harry," said Flitwick, "anything for you. Miss Granger?"

"Yes Professor?" asked Hermione.

"Could you please remove that fake tail that you grew out of Mr. Potter's asshole. I'm sure he enjoys your company, but he is trying to work."

"Oh why?" asked Hermione.

"Do it Ms. Granger, or I'll have to call Krum," said the professor.

"No! Not Krum! Not my bloody ex! Not the one that cheated on me with that bloody loser, Kakarot. Caught them red handed. They were bloody amateurs. I could hear them from bloody miles away!" screamed Hermione.

"I swear I'll call him," said the Professor.

"OK. OK. I'm going." She left Harry and went back to her seat.

"AHHH! That's better," said Harry, "Hey Professor, thanks for that. That was a real pain in the butt. Do you know what that felt like?"

"What?" asked the professor.

"You know when you really want to shit, but it won't come out?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, I remember when I was constipated and that happened," said the professor.

"Right, whatever, anyway, that's what it felt like just then. So when it came out, do you know how good it felt?"

"No, I can't help you there, I'm still constipated," said the professor.

"EWWW! Gross!" said Harry.

Professor Flitwick then turned to the class. "Ok, everyone, time to practice your 'Reducto' spell."

Harry grabbed his wand and started saying the words, "Reduc-oof-Hermione!" Hermione had jumped on him just as a blast issued from his wand. It didn't move towards the cushion that he was supposed to be moving. Instead, it circled around the room, and came to a halt in the middle of the room. Then, an enormous explosion occurred. Unfortunately, no one was hurt, but there were people there. People that weren't there before. Harry couldn't see their faces. They were covered in smoke.