Episode Four: Zombie Kel

One day, in the idiot infested land of Tortall, Jon, Alanna, Thayet, Neal, Daine, Numair, Dom, Kel, and various other Tortallans were standing around not knowing what to do with themselves.

"I'm a jerk," Jon announced out of boredom.

"I'm aware of that," Alanna said.

"I'm pretty!" Thayet announced out of boredom.

Neal started to drool. "No kidding!"

Jon slapped Neal. "Back off, she's mine!"

"Fine then." Neal then turned his attention to Daine. "Hello, lovely Wildmage."

Numair slapped him. "Back off, he's mine!"

Daine turned red in the face. "Did you just call me a he!"

Numair looked embarrassed and stared down at the ground. "Oops, I meant to say she!"

But Daine would not take the accidental insult lightly. "You mistook me for a guy! It's because I wear breeches, isn't it!" She slapped Numair and ran off in tears. Numair stood there bawling his eyes out.

"If she doesn't like you anymore, can I have her?" Neal asked hopefully.

Numair looked at Neal, blinked several times, and said, "Flying monkeys are swimming in my shoe."

Neal looked very confused. "Huh?"

"They're invading my shoe! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Numair. He frantically took off his shoe and threw it. It flew through the air and hit Dom in the head.

"Ow!" said Dom.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE'S BEEN GIVEN A CONCUSSION!" screamed Kel. She then died of grief.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KEL!" screamed Wyldon. He then died of grief. Five seconds later, he opened his eyes, and said, "Wait a minute! I didn't mean that!"

"Usually I'm the one who gets hit with random objects," Jon commented. Suddenly, a rock flew into his face, breaking his nose. "I guess I spoke too soon."

Dom looked confused and surveyed Kel's dead body. "I don't even have a concussion!" He shrugged. "Oh well!" He pushed Kel's body out of the way, picked up the shoe, and threw it as far as he could. It sailed through the air and hit Jon square in the crotch area.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Jon screamed, in a high-pitched voice. He staggered around and then fainted.

Dom hid behind Thayet. "I didn't do it!"

Suddenly, Kel woke up, even though she was still dead. "I am a zombie! Mwahahaha!"

"My mirage of delight isn't so delightful anymore," Cleon commented.

"I feel like killing someone," Kel decided. "Because that it is what zombie lady knights do!"

"Hmm... how about the idiot who rules this land... hint hint..." suggested some various Tortallans.

"Great idea!" said Kel. She clapped her hands. "Come here, my friends!"

"Okay!" said a group of maggots. They swarmed around Jon and ate his flesh, which was extremely disturbing yet slightly amusing anyway.

"Oh darn," said George. "They ate the flesh off his ears... now I can't chop them off!"

"You can have the cartilage that makes up his ears," Kel suggested.

"Okay!" said George happily.

"Flying monkeys are swimming in my other shoe now!" Numair announced frantically.

"Shush, Numair! No one cares!" George snapped.

Kel looked around at the group of people. "I shall now kill... Cleon!"

"Why me!" Cleon moaned.
Kel thought for a moment. "Because you're Cleon!"

"That's not a good reason!" Cleon protested.

"Yes, but I'm a zombie now and zombies kill," said Kel. She took a fireball and threw it at Cleon, causing him to blow up somehow.

"Please don't harm the rest of us! Have mercy!" the others pleaded.

"Okay," Kel agreed. "But only because I'm inexplicably tired." She curled up on the ground and fell asleep right there. Everyone else walked away.

Buri and Thayet had gone inside the palace. "Hey Thayet, whatever happened to Jon?" Buri asked.

"Does my eyeliner match my headdress?" Thayet asked.

"Did you even hear my question!" Buri demanded in frustration.

"Please hand me my mascara," Thayet ordered. Buri was starting to become irritated. "Oh, and while you're doing that, I must ask you, does my perfume smell all right?"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR LOOKS!" Buri exploded.

Thayet looked shocked at the outburst. "Bad Buriam! Bad bad bad! Now sit!"

"Woof!" Buri obediently sat.

"Good. Now go to your room!"

Buri meekly trotted off.

"AND NO DINNER FOR YOU TONIGHT!" Thayet yelled.

"Flying monkeys are swimming in my shoe," Numair announced.

Kel: We humbly apologize for the violence in this chapter and in other chapters to come. Now review, or I'll rip your lungs out and make them into a hat!