Episode Seven: Beauty Pageant

One day, in the delightfully insane land of Tortall, Thayet got an idea. "Guess what, everybody! I'm going to hold a beauty pageant!

"Yippee!" cried various female Tortallans.

"The only drawback is I win no matter what!"

"NOOOOO!" cried various female Tortallans.

"Can I compete too!" Jon asked. "I'm beautiful!"

"NO!" screeched Thayet. Jon hung his head and looked depressed. Thayet ignored him. "The beauty pageant will be tomorrow! Now I must make sure that my hair is as stunning as it can possibly be."

Thayet walked away and went into her room, where a bathtub filled with hot water awaited her. Neal, who had snuck in unseen, grabbed Thayet's shampoo bottle and disappeared.

"Now for my bath!" Thayet announced. "Buri, help me take a bath!"

"Why do you need help taking a bath!" Buri asked.

"I need to save all my energy for being beautiful!" the queen replied.

Neal, stifling a laugh, quickly put the shampoo bottle back and ran away before anyone could see him.

"Wash my hair!" Thayet demanded.

"Alright, alright!" said Buri. She grabbed the shampoo bottle and rubbed it in Thayet's hair.

"Make it look as gorgeous as possible!"

"Demanding, aren't you?" Buri said.

"Yep! That's what happens to you when you're married to Jon."

The very next day, Thayet woke up feeling very confident and pleased with herself. "Yippee! Today is the day! Buri, get my clothes!"

"Yes, Thayet," droned Buri.

"And now I will brush my perfect perfect perfect hair!" sang Thayet. She grabbed her brush and her mirror, but as soon as she saw her reflection, she gave a bloodcurdling scream.

"What's wrong!" Buri asked.

"I'm...BALD!" Thayet shrieked, tears running down her face. Buri started to laugh so hard that she nearly wet herself. "I'm ugly now!" Thayet wailed. Neal, who was watching the whole thing, gave a slight giggle and ran off.

"What's all the yelling about?" Jon asked. Thayet simply pointed to her hairless head. "Ha! Now I'm prettier than you!" Jon cried. He grabbed one of his wife's dresses and some makeup and put it all on. "Now let's have the beauty pageant!" He skipped out of Thayet's room and over to the pageant.

Lalasa was hosting the pageant, as she was the one who made all of the contestants' clothing. "Welcome everyone, to Queen Thayet's Beauty Pageant! Which in my opinion is a stupid idea."

"Hooray for stupidity!" shouted various Tortallans.

"Then does that mean you like me?" Jon asked.

"NO!" shouted various Tortallans.

"Here are the competitors," Lalasa continued. "Princess Shinkokami, Veralidaine Sarrasri, Lady Cythera of Naxen, and... hey, where's Queen Thayet!"

"Um... she can't come, I'm taking her place," Jon explained.

"Okay, and King Jonathan!"

"No!" Jon argued. "Today I'm Queen Jonathan!"

"Fine then!" said Lalasa.

Various Tortallans pointed and laughed. "Jonathan's in a dress!"

"But it's a pretty dress!" Jon insisted.

"Out of these contestants, you must decide you will win!" Lalasa told the audience.

"Hey Neal, who do you think should win?" Cleon asked.

"Daine. I placed a bet on her! And if I lose the bet, than I'm going to be completely broke!" He gazed adoringly up at Daine, who didn't look at him.

"Nobody better be checking out my wife!" Gary said.

"I think they're checking out my girlfriend instead!" said Numair, glaring at Neal. Neal was still staring fixedly at Daine's beautiful being, and he was drooling.

Daine sighed. "Why am I even competing in this thing?"

"Because I have to win my bet!" Neal yelled. "And also because you are the most gorgeous being I've ever laid eyes on!"

Suddenly, a lady's fan reached over and smacked Neal on the head. He turned around to face Yukimi. "Um... heh heh. Of course, I think you're beautiful too, Yuki."

"Our relationship is over!" Yuki cried.

Neal shrugged. "Now I'm eligible for ladies again! Woohoo!"

Lalasa got back on the stage and looked out at the audience. "Are we ready to announce a winner?"

"Meeeeee!" Jon squealed, pointing at himself excitedly. "Pick Queen Jonathan!"

"No way!" said Raoul. "You're a cross-dresser!"

Jon gave a curtsy. "Yes, but I'm a pretty cross-dresser!"

"Well," said Lalasa, "it looks as if the winner of this beauty pageant is... Lady Cythera of Naxen!"

"YEEEEEESSSSSS!" cried Gary victoriously.

Jon was in a state shock and disbelief. "I-I didn't win! I didn't win? WHY DIDN'T I WIN! WHY? I demand that I win!"

"It's too late, the pageant is over!" Lalasa informed him.

Jon started to cry. "Nobody loves me!" He fell over right on the stage, dead from a broken heart. Nobody noticed, as they were all busily getting on with their pathetic lives.

"This is one crazy country," Fred the Pickle commented.

Owen: Reviews are jolly! So please review!
Jon: Why can't I have some reviews! (sob)
Owen: Because you're not jolly! (knocks Jon unconscious)