Chapter 4: White Flag
The heavens only knew how I really felt about leaving Tokyo behind to become hitokiri again.
Okubo-san was dead by the blade of Shishio's own hitokiri.
Sanosuke had played as if nothing had never happened, to ease the pain of my leaving Kaoru. He and Katsu took me drinking several times, but I never drank much. I felt like I was just an empty shell, going through the motions of living without feeling anything but the numb that made me want to inflict pain on myself to assure my troubled mind that I was still real.
Megumi brought news of the dojo, every day claiming that life was as normal as it could be without my presence. Every time she brought news, she shot me a glance that let me know she still supported her advice.
I heard nothing from Kaoru until the day before I planned to leave. Sano had gone out, well knowing that it was possible that I might leave early.
He did not want to have to say goodbye...or so I thought then. Nevertheless, neither did I.
Yahiko, who came often with excuses but always spent his time staring at me as though trying to decide whether or not I betrayed him, was the one who came with the note from Kaoru that would seemingly seal my fate.
He waved it at me, and then stood in Sano's doorway. "Kenshin..?" He asked, staring down at the floor.
I looked down at him in a fatherly manner. I truly was fond of Yahiko, and it was a shame that I would leave his life forever.
"Yes, Yahiko?" It was a moment before I realized why he was upset. I pulled him into a parental hug. "Yahiko... I won't die... and I'll come back and see how you are... but I can't stay here... And I can't come back to live."
His young eyes were filling with tears as he looked up into mine furiously, demanding an answer. "Why not? Is it because of Hiro? Kaoru?"
My heart was breaking for this boy. I was the only father he had ever come close to knowing, and his mother had been gone so much... had died... It wasn't fair that I had to leave him behind like his own had. I couldn't lie to him.
"Yes, Yahiko. I have to do this... Who else can? And I can't come back because of Kaoru... and Hiro..." I brushed his unfallen tears away with my gi. "Don't cry. You will be strong."
He hugged me tightly. "Kenshin... It's not fair! Who cares about them?! Why should they determine what happens to you?! Why can't you just live here?"
As I held the boy close, I spoke to him. "Yahiko... were I ever to have a son... I would want him like you. Be strong, even without my guidance..." I almost kept the next words from coming, but realized that if these were our last words to one another... I wanted him to remember what I wanted from him. "Be my son... for the one I cannot have."
Yahiko seemed to understand as he held out the piece of paper to me. "I guess she wanted to say goodbye too... I don't think Hiro knows.... She's not been taking it well, but he doesn't notice, because he doesn't spar with her."
With that he was gone.
A few minutes later, I was walking to the riverside, senses sharp for raven hair and a gentle ki.
I found her watching fireflies absently. It suddenly seemed so important to tell her what weighed on my mind. "Okubo-san was assassinated."
She turned to look at me sadly. "I heard..." Her eyes drifted out onto the blinking lights.
How funny... I remember thinking. That humans are like fireflies. Our lives are as brief as the light that shines... but it seems we would only get one chance at love in that instant of life.
"Kenshin...?" Her voice broke away the thoughts.
I took a step closer to her, watching the lights flicker with her, my body numb with the anticipation of what I knew I would end up doing. "Hai?."
"I wish you wouldn't leave... Hiro shouldn't have asked you to leave... and I shouldn't have let all this hit you at once. Kenshin... I'm- "
I cut her off. "Don't apologize. I can't let Shishio have free reign. I would have had to leave eventually, and fate ordained everything as it is, Kaoru-dono."
Her eyes looked into mine, quickly searching for Battousai, but I had simply dropped much of my formal speech.
I gently moved her head to watch the fireflies. "Please look at them... Are they not like us? Maybe the firefly has its light to see in the eternal loneliness of dark they are condemned to. Maybe their lights are to help them find companions... Do you see their problem, despite this?"
She swallowed. "Their lights... only shine briefly..." She turned her body to face mine, eyes silently pleading me to stop whatever I was doing. Deep within her, she knew what was coming. "How can they hope to see with such a short light?"
I smiled sadly. "And what if they do not recognize their companion in that light? Then their chance is wasted." I closed the distance between us swiftly, enclosing her spirit in my own. "Or are they as I am? Seeing the soul mate in the final instant of that light, and then living in regret forever more for not recognizing it sooner?"
A soft cry met my ears, and I took her scent. "Kaoru... I thought I could have a normal life with you. Live and just be a samurai... but things changed, and the light has gone out." I loosened my hold on her and looked into her eyes. Silently asking for permission before allowing myself to lay my lips on hers.
It was so wrong, what I was doing, but I couldn't stop anymore then I could have with Saitou during the fight. I pulled myself away from her.
"Kaoru... I'm so sorry... forgive me, if you can. I'm in love with you. Ai shiteru... Ai shiteru... Ai shiteru... But... I am just a rurouni... Pardon my intrusion in your life, for I am returning to my journey. Thank you for everything... everything.... Sayonara."
I let her go, and she crumpled to the ground, watching me as I walked away, I had just done what Megumi had told me not to. Only I hadn't given her the chance to hurt me. I had presented my heart and tore it up in front of her. I was killing myself, and I knew she understood that.
I kept my bangs over my eyes as I began that journey again. I had told Yahiko not to cry... and I had not for many years.
I didn't cry then either. I had destroyed my heart, but in doing so, I had killed myself at the same time. Willingly. Intentionally.
"Kenshin..." The muffled sob barely reached my ears, and I almost turned back. It was all of my self-determination to leave her there, hurting in ways I could not even understand.
"Sayonara... Kaoru..." I whispered, audible only to the breeze that carried her cries to me.
*~*
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well, I still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were,
But I will go down with this ship
I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.
-Dido, White Flag
Note: See? SEE!!!!! It IS a KK story! I TOLD you it would be! Now... you have to wait a while before things get better again... because now everyone's a mess!! ^_^ bwahahahahahaha!!! **laughing evilly until she chokes** damn... Review replies!!!
RurouniNikkitch13- ^_^ I'm glad you like it!!! **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
wackoramaco87- Aye, it's in 1st person, looking back... yeah... I can't write a story that's in present moment... I wrote a personal narrative like that, and HATED it... Retrospect is so much more fun. And you, my friend, are one of TWO guessers! **hands a crowbar and pushes a bound and gagged Hiro forward** Do have fun... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
cyberdemon- ^_^ My second guesser!!! **hands a crowbar and pushes a bound and gagged Hiro forward and away from wacko-chan** I know you've wanted to smack him for a while... and since I'm not DONE with him yet... this is the second best thing... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
Koishii Sweet- **huggles** Thank you!!!!! But... you have to put the knives away... -_-; You have to wait until I'm all done with Hiro... **hands a chibi- Saitou doll**
Slight Imperfections- **hugs** EVERYONE feels sorry for Kenshin... We all just love him so much... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
DarkAngel-Ahria- OMG! Your review made me blush!! **bows** Thank you so much! I'm glad that you appreciated those lines, and I hope that the story does not disappoint you... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
quirk- Hai, I PROMISE this is a KK story... if this chapter didn't show it, then... um... well, just take my word for it and understand it's coming... Megumi's advice is supposed to make Kenshin realize that Megumi thinks Kaoru won't allow him any room in her heart and... why don't I just explain it in another chapter? **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
Galenahaiel- ^_^ Is this good enough? Thank you for your review!! **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
MysticShadowWanderer- Yay! Thank you for your review!!! ^__________^ I'm glad you like this story... **pokes the story** bastard child of mine may it be... -_-;;
The heavens only knew how I really felt about leaving Tokyo behind to become hitokiri again.
Okubo-san was dead by the blade of Shishio's own hitokiri.
Sanosuke had played as if nothing had never happened, to ease the pain of my leaving Kaoru. He and Katsu took me drinking several times, but I never drank much. I felt like I was just an empty shell, going through the motions of living without feeling anything but the numb that made me want to inflict pain on myself to assure my troubled mind that I was still real.
Megumi brought news of the dojo, every day claiming that life was as normal as it could be without my presence. Every time she brought news, she shot me a glance that let me know she still supported her advice.
I heard nothing from Kaoru until the day before I planned to leave. Sano had gone out, well knowing that it was possible that I might leave early.
He did not want to have to say goodbye...or so I thought then. Nevertheless, neither did I.
Yahiko, who came often with excuses but always spent his time staring at me as though trying to decide whether or not I betrayed him, was the one who came with the note from Kaoru that would seemingly seal my fate.
He waved it at me, and then stood in Sano's doorway. "Kenshin..?" He asked, staring down at the floor.
I looked down at him in a fatherly manner. I truly was fond of Yahiko, and it was a shame that I would leave his life forever.
"Yes, Yahiko?" It was a moment before I realized why he was upset. I pulled him into a parental hug. "Yahiko... I won't die... and I'll come back and see how you are... but I can't stay here... And I can't come back to live."
His young eyes were filling with tears as he looked up into mine furiously, demanding an answer. "Why not? Is it because of Hiro? Kaoru?"
My heart was breaking for this boy. I was the only father he had ever come close to knowing, and his mother had been gone so much... had died... It wasn't fair that I had to leave him behind like his own had. I couldn't lie to him.
"Yes, Yahiko. I have to do this... Who else can? And I can't come back because of Kaoru... and Hiro..." I brushed his unfallen tears away with my gi. "Don't cry. You will be strong."
He hugged me tightly. "Kenshin... It's not fair! Who cares about them?! Why should they determine what happens to you?! Why can't you just live here?"
As I held the boy close, I spoke to him. "Yahiko... were I ever to have a son... I would want him like you. Be strong, even without my guidance..." I almost kept the next words from coming, but realized that if these were our last words to one another... I wanted him to remember what I wanted from him. "Be my son... for the one I cannot have."
Yahiko seemed to understand as he held out the piece of paper to me. "I guess she wanted to say goodbye too... I don't think Hiro knows.... She's not been taking it well, but he doesn't notice, because he doesn't spar with her."
With that he was gone.
A few minutes later, I was walking to the riverside, senses sharp for raven hair and a gentle ki.
I found her watching fireflies absently. It suddenly seemed so important to tell her what weighed on my mind. "Okubo-san was assassinated."
She turned to look at me sadly. "I heard..." Her eyes drifted out onto the blinking lights.
How funny... I remember thinking. That humans are like fireflies. Our lives are as brief as the light that shines... but it seems we would only get one chance at love in that instant of life.
"Kenshin...?" Her voice broke away the thoughts.
I took a step closer to her, watching the lights flicker with her, my body numb with the anticipation of what I knew I would end up doing. "Hai?."
"I wish you wouldn't leave... Hiro shouldn't have asked you to leave... and I shouldn't have let all this hit you at once. Kenshin... I'm- "
I cut her off. "Don't apologize. I can't let Shishio have free reign. I would have had to leave eventually, and fate ordained everything as it is, Kaoru-dono."
Her eyes looked into mine, quickly searching for Battousai, but I had simply dropped much of my formal speech.
I gently moved her head to watch the fireflies. "Please look at them... Are they not like us? Maybe the firefly has its light to see in the eternal loneliness of dark they are condemned to. Maybe their lights are to help them find companions... Do you see their problem, despite this?"
She swallowed. "Their lights... only shine briefly..." She turned her body to face mine, eyes silently pleading me to stop whatever I was doing. Deep within her, she knew what was coming. "How can they hope to see with such a short light?"
I smiled sadly. "And what if they do not recognize their companion in that light? Then their chance is wasted." I closed the distance between us swiftly, enclosing her spirit in my own. "Or are they as I am? Seeing the soul mate in the final instant of that light, and then living in regret forever more for not recognizing it sooner?"
A soft cry met my ears, and I took her scent. "Kaoru... I thought I could have a normal life with you. Live and just be a samurai... but things changed, and the light has gone out." I loosened my hold on her and looked into her eyes. Silently asking for permission before allowing myself to lay my lips on hers.
It was so wrong, what I was doing, but I couldn't stop anymore then I could have with Saitou during the fight. I pulled myself away from her.
"Kaoru... I'm so sorry... forgive me, if you can. I'm in love with you. Ai shiteru... Ai shiteru... Ai shiteru... But... I am just a rurouni... Pardon my intrusion in your life, for I am returning to my journey. Thank you for everything... everything.... Sayonara."
I let her go, and she crumpled to the ground, watching me as I walked away, I had just done what Megumi had told me not to. Only I hadn't given her the chance to hurt me. I had presented my heart and tore it up in front of her. I was killing myself, and I knew she understood that.
I kept my bangs over my eyes as I began that journey again. I had told Yahiko not to cry... and I had not for many years.
I didn't cry then either. I had destroyed my heart, but in doing so, I had killed myself at the same time. Willingly. Intentionally.
"Kenshin..." The muffled sob barely reached my ears, and I almost turned back. It was all of my self-determination to leave her there, hurting in ways I could not even understand.
"Sayonara... Kaoru..." I whispered, audible only to the breeze that carried her cries to me.
*~*
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well, I still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were,
But I will go down with this ship
I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.
-Dido, White Flag
Note: See? SEE!!!!! It IS a KK story! I TOLD you it would be! Now... you have to wait a while before things get better again... because now everyone's a mess!! ^_^ bwahahahahahaha!!! **laughing evilly until she chokes** damn... Review replies!!!
RurouniNikkitch13- ^_^ I'm glad you like it!!! **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
wackoramaco87- Aye, it's in 1st person, looking back... yeah... I can't write a story that's in present moment... I wrote a personal narrative like that, and HATED it... Retrospect is so much more fun. And you, my friend, are one of TWO guessers! **hands a crowbar and pushes a bound and gagged Hiro forward** Do have fun... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
cyberdemon- ^_^ My second guesser!!! **hands a crowbar and pushes a bound and gagged Hiro forward and away from wacko-chan** I know you've wanted to smack him for a while... and since I'm not DONE with him yet... this is the second best thing... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
Koishii Sweet- **huggles** Thank you!!!!! But... you have to put the knives away... -_-; You have to wait until I'm all done with Hiro... **hands a chibi- Saitou doll**
Slight Imperfections- **hugs** EVERYONE feels sorry for Kenshin... We all just love him so much... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
DarkAngel-Ahria- OMG! Your review made me blush!! **bows** Thank you so much! I'm glad that you appreciated those lines, and I hope that the story does not disappoint you... **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
quirk- Hai, I PROMISE this is a KK story... if this chapter didn't show it, then... um... well, just take my word for it and understand it's coming... Megumi's advice is supposed to make Kenshin realize that Megumi thinks Kaoru won't allow him any room in her heart and... why don't I just explain it in another chapter? **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
Galenahaiel- ^_^ Is this good enough? Thank you for your review!! **hands a chibi-Saitou doll**
MysticShadowWanderer- Yay! Thank you for your review!!! ^__________^ I'm glad you like this story... **pokes the story** bastard child of mine may it be... -_-;;