AN: Because the world hates me, anytime I try to put special little characters in the story to separate parts or indicate thought, it never shows up. So, if you've been a little confused with some parts because of this, please, bear with me. Thanks to my reviewers! Oh yeah, and as a side note to those of you who think I've turned Squall into a pansy, this is a fic, and a humorous/horrific one at that. I'm just playing with him. And besides, how do you think you would feel if you were put up against your phobias? :-P
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After a few minutes of walking along the path, Squall finally came upon the castle. He stopped and stared at the terrifying immensity, which consisted of: large, forbidding doors; numerous gargoyles that seemed to be alive; hostile, flying 'things' that circled the tall, spindly towers; and a few decaying bodies that hung from the front windows, some of which containing signs that varied from "Go Back!" and "Beware, evil lurks here!" to the more disturbing "Vampires, Witches, and Wackos are Welcome" and "Free-for- All every Tuesday—Bring Your Own Whips and Chains". Trying not to think too hard upon the various signs, Squall took a tentative step forward and placed his hands against one of the doors. He tried for a few moments to push it open with brute strength, but with no avail. Glancing around for a latch or button or anything else, his eyes fell upon a tiny message carved into the wood right next to the handle:
Squall – Beware of rabid animal....? /Oh, great, what next?/
No sooner had Squall whispered those words than the door opened ever so slightly. Startled, Squall jumped back a step, wondering what the hell he had done, but then continued forward, pushing the door open as if it weighed nothing at all.
As Squall stepped into the courtyard, the door behind him immediately slammed shut. And try as he might, he could not get it to open again. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, he turned around and looked at his surroundings. The courtyard wasn't much different from the outside, everything was simply closer and therefore, more scary. Squall took a few steps into the courtyard, and, not seeing anything vicious, he started for the large doors across the way.
Squall made it to about the middle of the courtyard before he heard a low growl from behind him. He froze instantly and began to slowly turn around, inch by inch. Sweat started to bead upon his forehead as he imagined the many things that could be behind him, ready to tear out his throat. Taking that last, fateful step, he turned fully and saw:
Squall – ZELL?!?
Crouched behind Squall was Zell, though it was certainly no ordinary Zell. Indeed, as Squall looked upon his hyperactive friend, he noticed a few small, but significant differences: Zell's dirtiness, his abundance of hair......everywhere, his elongated canine teeth (more than usual), his glowing red eyes, his tendency to pause the growling and scratch at something behind his ear, and his almost complete lack of clothing.
Squall – Zell? What the hell are you doing here? And why are you wearing something that wouldn't even qualify as a G-string?
Squall's only answer was more growling, followed by a warning bark.
Squall – Ummmm..... Zell, are you ok? You don't seem quite like yourself....
Again, Squall received an increase in growling for an answer. Not quite sure of what to do, he thought frantically for a few seconds before coming up with an idea.
Squall – Hey Zell! You're a good doggy, aren't you?
Zell immediately stopped growling to sit on his haunches. He cocked his head to one side and looked at Squall questioningly.
Squall – How about you be a good boy and show me the way to Madame Cash- .......er....Madame Custer-....no, that's not it........Madame Couch-lard?
Zell stayed where he was, lying down and resting his head on his hands. He yawned and looked forlornly at Squall as if to say "There isn't anything you could give me that would make me want to help you..."
Squall, seeming to understand though no words passed Zell's lips, began to frantically search his pockets for something that could persuade the guard- dog to help him out.
Squall – Aha!! Zell, would you like a......hot dog?!?
And of course, (because it's a fanfic and nothing's real), Squall was able to produce a (somewhat moldy and dusty) hot dog from his pockets which resulted in Zell immediately racing across the courtyard, knocking Squall to he ground, and proceeding to lick his face. It took Squall quite some time to calm the 'animal' down before he could stand back up.
Squall – So we're agreed, then? I give you this delicious hot dog and then you show me where to find Madame What's-Her-Name?
Zell barked in agreement, wriggling his butt in the dirt as he waited for his treat. As soon as Squall obliged and Zell finished eating, he began to show his gratitude as only dogs can...
Squall – Now Zell, that's really not necessary.....no, that doesn't go there.......Zell, you should find someone in your own species, for cryin' out loud......I—no, Zell, now would you stop humping me?!
Zell dislodged himself from Squall's leg before narrowly missing a kick. He then began to wash himself as he waited for Squall's orders.
Squall – I swear to God, that'll never come out..... So Zell, time to show me the way, huh, boy? Let's go find this crazy old hag and get this mission over with!
Zell gave a few happy yelps before breaking off at a run for an open door that was hidden in shadows to the right side of the courtyard.
Squall – Zell, where are you going? Are you sure that's the right way?! Zell!!!
But, as Squall received no answer, he had no choice but to follow the guard dog into the dark abyss and meet the terror of all mankind...
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There, another chapter! I know they're short and they suck, but I'm hitting a semi-writer's block and it's a real pain in the ass trying to get the thoughts to flow. Anyways, who will our poor Squall meet up with next? And what will he/she do to Squall this time? Find out in the next chapter!