Authors Note: This chapter is only about Sirius and Claire. I decided that
I couldn't let their problems just disappear...I'm sure you'll love me after
this. *grins evilly*
Chapter 14
Lily and James fell asleep side by side in the common room. The fire had long since died and the January sun was peeping through the windows. But still the couple slept. They were entangled with one another in the way young lovers usually are. It was a peaceful scene.
****
Meanwhile Claire could find no peace. She had not slept all night. Her usually sparkling eyes were dead, her long black hair hung limp around her face. Purple circles formed under her eyes. Claire thought she was going mad as she wandered the halls early that morning. No one was about but Claire; she was a forlorn wanderer.
She felt numb so incredibly, indescribably numb. So much had gone wrong, too much for Claire's liking. Her mother had pulled her aside the night before term started to talk to her.
*Flashback*
"Claire," her mother called faintly in the halls.
"Yes mother?" Claire answered stepping into Dylan's guest room where her mother and father had slept.
"I've been meaning to tell you this for the longest time but I have put it off again and again. Now it has to be said," her mother said nervously.
"What mom? You can tell me," Claire said putting an arm around her mother who was sitting on the side of the bed.
"Well...I...umm...Claire this isn't easy."
"I know mom just tell me," Claire said thoughts of divorce ran through her mind.
"I have cancer."
Claire was speechless; she dropped her jaw. She didn't know what to think. She couldn't find the words to say.
"It's an advanced stomach cancer. I won't live past this summer," her mother said tears falling down her face.
"Well I'm sure there is magical treatment..." Claire said trailing off. The hope in her voice was faint.
"There isn't honey, I checked. I'm going to die."
Claire turned to go. She couldn't let her mother see her crying. She had to be strong. She always had been even during Jade's death.
As Claire walked out her mother stood up and said, "Claire don't think about it. Don't let it get to you. You can't change anything. But it's not like Jade." That was the first time she had said her daughter's name in years.
"How? How is it different?" Claire demanded not able to understand.
"You'll get to say goodbye."
And with that Claire cried. She couldn't hold it in. Here was her mother, strong and proud, everything she admired, dieing. And Claire couldn't handle it. It was to much to endure. After everything this was the breaking point.
"It'll be alright, you'll be ok Claire," her mother whispered.
Claire walked back into Dylan's room that night and found Lily and Dylan asleep. Their breathing was soft and in rhythm. Claire, try as she might, could not make her fall into theirs. It was broken and harsh.
*End Flashback*
Her mother was going to die and here she was wandering the halls. And now Sirius wouldn't even look at her. And Lily and Dylan were wrapped up in their lives and Claire's grades had started to drop last semester. She didn't know what to do. Was it worth living? Did it really mean anything anymore? Her mom was going to die so what else did she have to live for? Her father would move on find a new family, he wouldn't care. He had barely shed a tear when Jade left. Jade...Claire tried not to think about her. But once again her face penetrated the long guarded barriers of Claire's mind only now her mother lay next to Jade.
Claire ran to the bathroom and hastily pushed open the door. She looked around to see if there was anyone there. But it was too early and so not a soul was about. Claire collapsed on the floor. Her breathing became rapid and harsh. She pulled out her razor and held it to her biggest vein on her arm. She closed her eyes and waited for blackness. But nothing came. So she began to whisper her favorite poem that Jade had written for her. She could remember it now Jade's laughter. She kept asking Claire why she wanted such a morbid poem. But yet it was almost as if Jade had known what Claire would become.
The streets on which we dwell are fraught with pain.
Melancholy is found around every corner.
Few are left untouched by this fateful executioner.
Yet here she sits, innocence long gone.
Her memory now corrupted by fear.
The white walls of the barren room are closing in, suffocating her.
She sits in stationary silence fingering the trigger.
It is cold to the touch, yet warm to the heart.
She is intoxicated by death.
For to her, death is not morbid, it is freedom.
She would be released from cruelty with a single movement of a once meaning less finger.
And so she remains hesitating on the threshold of death until blackness overcomes her.
She has left this world.
When Claire had finished she opened her eyes. Her right hand was trembling, the razor shaking. She could not bring herself to leave her father alone. He had stopped her; chained her down. And so Claire became angry with herself. So she punished her self by slicing her wrist. It was a long red cut from which blood trickled down. She lifted up her hand and cut into her arm again. It was good to feel pain; it was a reminder that she was still alive. But yet Claire had never felt so dead.
****
Sirius awoke tired and groggy. He lay in bed for half an hour debating on whether to get up or not. Looking around him he realized how early it was, for even Remus was still asleep. But Sirius was too restless to stay in bed so he got up and got dressed. Then on his way out he grabbed an old sweatshirt of James' and walked down the stairs into the common room. There he caught a glimpse of black hair whipping out the portrait hole. Sirius smiled and decided to follow. Maybe he could seduce this girl with his undeniable wit and charm. In fact he had always liked dark haired girls better then blondes. So he followed.
He watched her walk through the halls as if not knowing where to go. But then as she turned he saw a beautiful all too familiar face: Claire. He debated on whether following her or not. He didn't want to like her anymore. But then just as he was about to turn two very important things stopped him. She had tears falling down her face and he still loved her. So Sirius ran after her into the loos.
He watched her cross towards the white wall across the room. And so he stood very still in one of the corners and watched her. He didn't do it because he was nosy; he did it because he felt it would be awkward to ask her what was wrong. But then he witnessed something he would never forget.
It started with her breathing. He could hear it across the room ragged and scared. He didn't know what to do. And then it only got worse as she began to sob uncontrollably. He then saw her grab something out of her pocket. He heard her stop crying. And for a moment a silence fell over the room. Sirius was about to go talk to her right as she began to whisper. It was a poem unlike any he had heard before. It hit him hard. And then she stopped uttering her last words. And no longer did she sob. But rather she moved violently. Sirius didn't know what she was doing. He watched her do it again and still had no idea. Then he moved forward. He walked up silently behind her.
There on her pale wrists were deep cuts. Blood trickled down her ghostly white arms and her black haired head was bent over. Then he realized what her movements were. Sirius, not knowing what else to do, reached down and touched her shoulder.
****
Claire felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped up and hid her arms behind her back. But as she looked down it was no use. The white tiled floor was bloody. She glanced up and found Sirius looking at her sadly.
"I suppose you think I'm weak don't you," Claire said trying to sound strong. "Crying, and slitting my wrists and what not."
"Why?" Sirius whispered. "Why are you doing this Claire?" he asked again stepping forward.
"I don't want to tell you," Claire said trying to push past him.
"Claire I'm not letting you go until you tell me. This is not good for you. You shouldn't be doing this. Does anyone know?"
"Lily and Dylan know I've done it before. But I promised them I wouldn't do it again."
"But you did, why?" he asked again.
"I'm not telling you," Claire said defiantly.
"Then I'm not leaving," Sirius said standing his ground.
"NO! You will let me go!" Claire said and angrily pushed her way past him But Sirius would not move. And she was not strong enough to move him. So she banged her fists against his chest until she broke down sobbing.
"Claire, what is wrong?" he said pulling her into a tight embrace. He felt her sobbing beneath his arms.
"Jade is gone...my sister...died...a long time ago...and I can't forget her."
Sirius thought that was all so he shushed her but then she looked up and said more.
"And my mom has cancer...she's going to die too...she won't live past the summer...and I can't see her..."
"Anything else?" Sirius asked hoping there was no more.
"And you...I still like you...I broke up with you so you wouldn't have to see me like this...so you wouldn't have to put up with some crazy girl...I thought you would be happier."
Sirius was taken aback. Her voice was clear now. It was becoming less broken.
"But then I saw you again today, and I miss you. But I never mattered that much to you. And I know I've had my chance and it's gone."
Sirius looked at her, "Claire you still have a chance. I still like you. If you would let me help you it would be ok." He found his heart melting.
"I don't know if I can. I don't know if I could handle it, Sirius. I don't want you to have to deal with me," Claire said returning his glance.
"But it..."
Claire let go of his strong comforting arms and walked out. "You're better off without me."
And with that she left him in the middle of a girl's bathroom more broken then he had ever been.
Chapter 14
Lily and James fell asleep side by side in the common room. The fire had long since died and the January sun was peeping through the windows. But still the couple slept. They were entangled with one another in the way young lovers usually are. It was a peaceful scene.
****
Meanwhile Claire could find no peace. She had not slept all night. Her usually sparkling eyes were dead, her long black hair hung limp around her face. Purple circles formed under her eyes. Claire thought she was going mad as she wandered the halls early that morning. No one was about but Claire; she was a forlorn wanderer.
She felt numb so incredibly, indescribably numb. So much had gone wrong, too much for Claire's liking. Her mother had pulled her aside the night before term started to talk to her.
*Flashback*
"Claire," her mother called faintly in the halls.
"Yes mother?" Claire answered stepping into Dylan's guest room where her mother and father had slept.
"I've been meaning to tell you this for the longest time but I have put it off again and again. Now it has to be said," her mother said nervously.
"What mom? You can tell me," Claire said putting an arm around her mother who was sitting on the side of the bed.
"Well...I...umm...Claire this isn't easy."
"I know mom just tell me," Claire said thoughts of divorce ran through her mind.
"I have cancer."
Claire was speechless; she dropped her jaw. She didn't know what to think. She couldn't find the words to say.
"It's an advanced stomach cancer. I won't live past this summer," her mother said tears falling down her face.
"Well I'm sure there is magical treatment..." Claire said trailing off. The hope in her voice was faint.
"There isn't honey, I checked. I'm going to die."
Claire turned to go. She couldn't let her mother see her crying. She had to be strong. She always had been even during Jade's death.
As Claire walked out her mother stood up and said, "Claire don't think about it. Don't let it get to you. You can't change anything. But it's not like Jade." That was the first time she had said her daughter's name in years.
"How? How is it different?" Claire demanded not able to understand.
"You'll get to say goodbye."
And with that Claire cried. She couldn't hold it in. Here was her mother, strong and proud, everything she admired, dieing. And Claire couldn't handle it. It was to much to endure. After everything this was the breaking point.
"It'll be alright, you'll be ok Claire," her mother whispered.
Claire walked back into Dylan's room that night and found Lily and Dylan asleep. Their breathing was soft and in rhythm. Claire, try as she might, could not make her fall into theirs. It was broken and harsh.
*End Flashback*
Her mother was going to die and here she was wandering the halls. And now Sirius wouldn't even look at her. And Lily and Dylan were wrapped up in their lives and Claire's grades had started to drop last semester. She didn't know what to do. Was it worth living? Did it really mean anything anymore? Her mom was going to die so what else did she have to live for? Her father would move on find a new family, he wouldn't care. He had barely shed a tear when Jade left. Jade...Claire tried not to think about her. But once again her face penetrated the long guarded barriers of Claire's mind only now her mother lay next to Jade.
Claire ran to the bathroom and hastily pushed open the door. She looked around to see if there was anyone there. But it was too early and so not a soul was about. Claire collapsed on the floor. Her breathing became rapid and harsh. She pulled out her razor and held it to her biggest vein on her arm. She closed her eyes and waited for blackness. But nothing came. So she began to whisper her favorite poem that Jade had written for her. She could remember it now Jade's laughter. She kept asking Claire why she wanted such a morbid poem. But yet it was almost as if Jade had known what Claire would become.
The streets on which we dwell are fraught with pain.
Melancholy is found around every corner.
Few are left untouched by this fateful executioner.
Yet here she sits, innocence long gone.
Her memory now corrupted by fear.
The white walls of the barren room are closing in, suffocating her.
She sits in stationary silence fingering the trigger.
It is cold to the touch, yet warm to the heart.
She is intoxicated by death.
For to her, death is not morbid, it is freedom.
She would be released from cruelty with a single movement of a once meaning less finger.
And so she remains hesitating on the threshold of death until blackness overcomes her.
She has left this world.
When Claire had finished she opened her eyes. Her right hand was trembling, the razor shaking. She could not bring herself to leave her father alone. He had stopped her; chained her down. And so Claire became angry with herself. So she punished her self by slicing her wrist. It was a long red cut from which blood trickled down. She lifted up her hand and cut into her arm again. It was good to feel pain; it was a reminder that she was still alive. But yet Claire had never felt so dead.
****
Sirius awoke tired and groggy. He lay in bed for half an hour debating on whether to get up or not. Looking around him he realized how early it was, for even Remus was still asleep. But Sirius was too restless to stay in bed so he got up and got dressed. Then on his way out he grabbed an old sweatshirt of James' and walked down the stairs into the common room. There he caught a glimpse of black hair whipping out the portrait hole. Sirius smiled and decided to follow. Maybe he could seduce this girl with his undeniable wit and charm. In fact he had always liked dark haired girls better then blondes. So he followed.
He watched her walk through the halls as if not knowing where to go. But then as she turned he saw a beautiful all too familiar face: Claire. He debated on whether following her or not. He didn't want to like her anymore. But then just as he was about to turn two very important things stopped him. She had tears falling down her face and he still loved her. So Sirius ran after her into the loos.
He watched her cross towards the white wall across the room. And so he stood very still in one of the corners and watched her. He didn't do it because he was nosy; he did it because he felt it would be awkward to ask her what was wrong. But then he witnessed something he would never forget.
It started with her breathing. He could hear it across the room ragged and scared. He didn't know what to do. And then it only got worse as she began to sob uncontrollably. He then saw her grab something out of her pocket. He heard her stop crying. And for a moment a silence fell over the room. Sirius was about to go talk to her right as she began to whisper. It was a poem unlike any he had heard before. It hit him hard. And then she stopped uttering her last words. And no longer did she sob. But rather she moved violently. Sirius didn't know what she was doing. He watched her do it again and still had no idea. Then he moved forward. He walked up silently behind her.
There on her pale wrists were deep cuts. Blood trickled down her ghostly white arms and her black haired head was bent over. Then he realized what her movements were. Sirius, not knowing what else to do, reached down and touched her shoulder.
****
Claire felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped up and hid her arms behind her back. But as she looked down it was no use. The white tiled floor was bloody. She glanced up and found Sirius looking at her sadly.
"I suppose you think I'm weak don't you," Claire said trying to sound strong. "Crying, and slitting my wrists and what not."
"Why?" Sirius whispered. "Why are you doing this Claire?" he asked again stepping forward.
"I don't want to tell you," Claire said trying to push past him.
"Claire I'm not letting you go until you tell me. This is not good for you. You shouldn't be doing this. Does anyone know?"
"Lily and Dylan know I've done it before. But I promised them I wouldn't do it again."
"But you did, why?" he asked again.
"I'm not telling you," Claire said defiantly.
"Then I'm not leaving," Sirius said standing his ground.
"NO! You will let me go!" Claire said and angrily pushed her way past him But Sirius would not move. And she was not strong enough to move him. So she banged her fists against his chest until she broke down sobbing.
"Claire, what is wrong?" he said pulling her into a tight embrace. He felt her sobbing beneath his arms.
"Jade is gone...my sister...died...a long time ago...and I can't forget her."
Sirius thought that was all so he shushed her but then she looked up and said more.
"And my mom has cancer...she's going to die too...she won't live past the summer...and I can't see her..."
"Anything else?" Sirius asked hoping there was no more.
"And you...I still like you...I broke up with you so you wouldn't have to see me like this...so you wouldn't have to put up with some crazy girl...I thought you would be happier."
Sirius was taken aback. Her voice was clear now. It was becoming less broken.
"But then I saw you again today, and I miss you. But I never mattered that much to you. And I know I've had my chance and it's gone."
Sirius looked at her, "Claire you still have a chance. I still like you. If you would let me help you it would be ok." He found his heart melting.
"I don't know if I can. I don't know if I could handle it, Sirius. I don't want you to have to deal with me," Claire said returning his glance.
"But it..."
Claire let go of his strong comforting arms and walked out. "You're better off without me."
And with that she left him in the middle of a girl's bathroom more broken then he had ever been.