Chapter 18
In opposite corners of the Gryffindor common room Sirius and Claire sat. Claire was talking to Lily holding her butterbeer, which James and Remus had brought to the party. Her black hair hung loose, wet from the shower she had taken immediately after the game, into her beautiful round eyes. But they had seemed to have lost some of their color, for there was no longer sparkled, and the once bright blue had faded. She forced smiles at Lily and attempted to talk to her normally. But Sirius could tell it was unreal, it was the wall Claire put up when she made contact with anyone. She would pretend to be her usual self but as soon as the person would leave her glance would fall to the floor and she would walk silently down the hallways in a hurry. Her sleeves were always rolled down now, in fact Sirius couldn't remember the last time he had seen her pale arms.
She looked over at him for a spilt second. Her eyes were filled with longing and sadness. He knew that Claire had only told him of her mother's cancer because Lily would have acted differently over the past few months. Lily would have never let Claire be alone. She would've watched her constantly. But instead Claire hid it deep inside, confined to the depths of her heart. And it was these corners that were darkening, staining her heart black and locking it up where the barricaded doors would allow no entrance. Sirius had spent many weeks searching for the key. He had watched her every hour waiting for a hint. But she ignored him, let his attempts at conversation fall away, and told him off for bothering her.
Claire felt his stare on her. She knew he watched her constantly. How could she not know? He made no effort to hide his glances and flirtations. And to be honest Claire was sick of it. They were over, had been for a long time. He would just be another burden to deal with and Claire already had a big load. There was no reason to add another weight. But she did not deny that there was a part of her that still liked him and wanted him to help her. But she knew this was not possible and Sirius should know it too. He had seen the cuts. So why did he still want her? Why did he keep staring? Was this all a joke? If so, then how could he be so cruel? She was fed up.
"Hold on Lily," Claire said breaking their conversation of the game.
"Ok sure," said Lily who stared at Claire curiously.
Claire put down her butterbeer and began to make her way through the happy Gryffindors until she finally came to Sirius sitting in his little corner alone. She stared at him for a brief second taking him in. How amazing he looked, his dark hair fell into his tanned face and his hands were crossed into his lap. Claire had never told anyone this but she loved his hands more then anything else about him. It was just a particular fetish of hers. But as she surveyed him her anger came back to her. Even his good looks could not distract her.
"Hello Miss Li," he said in a quiet voice standing up.
"Look Sirius," she said attempting to get to the point, "I don't like you anymore. So stop staring at me, stop trying to talk to me, and stop trying to help me. I'm not part of your life anymore."
"That's not true," he whispered gazing into her eyes. He held her stare for what seemed like hours.
Claire stared back at him refusing to give up. "How do you know what is true and what isn't?" she quietly said back in a menacing tone.
"I just do," he replied with a shrug. "I know that you want help, but that you're afraid."
"Well apparently you don't know anything, if I needed help I would ask someone. And I don't. I'm just fine."
Sirius reached over and grabbed her wrist.
"Let go off me," she said angrily trying to pull her arm away, but his grip was too strong.
"Then what are these?" he said pulling up her sleeve and gesturing to the cuts. "If these are there then apparently you do need help."
Claire looked down at her arm. The little red lines danced across her snow white skin forming intricate patterns. She began to panic, this wasn't supposed to happen. He couldn't throw something like that at her.
"And I am the one to help you," he said sensing her anxiety.
"No you can't, no one can. No one understands and be thankful you don't. I hope you never will have to understand," she said forcing his hand off of her wrist. She then pulled down her sleeve and whispered softly as she turned to go, "Just let me go Sirius, you don't need me, no one does." With that she left him and walked up to her room forgetting the party, forgetting the game, forgetting the feeling of relief she had felt just hours ago. It never lasted; she was fool for ever thinking it would.
Lily knew something was wrong from the moment Claire left. So she had sat down by the fire and eavesdropped. What she had heard was shocking. And how could Claire not tell her? If Lily couldn't help her best friend then who could? So after Claire walked off to the common room she went over to Sirius.
"Hey Lily," he said forcing a smile.
"Hi," she said soothingly. "She'll be ok, you need to know that."
He looked at her and said, "I hope so. But she won't let me do anything to help her."
"Don't worry about it," Lily said knowing that it wouldn't help him in the least. "We'll all be ok in the end, she'll find her help. Ok?"
"Ok," he muttered and turned his glance to the floor.
Lily lifted up his face and smiled. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. After she had gotten close to James there was no avoiding Sirius; they were practically glued at the hips. And so the hug she gave him was entirely friendly and there was no awkwardness.
"I'm going to go talk to her now," she said and got up to leave.
Then Lily walked up toward the Gryffindor common room. When she walked in Lily could not see. Claire had blown out all the candles and so the blackness of the room encompassed her. It was only 6 but it was still late, Lily was amazed at how long the party had lasted.
"Go away," said a shallow raspy voice from the corner.
"Claire I'm not leaving. You're going to talk to me," Lily demanded and then began to feel her way over to Claire. "Damn," Lily swore as she bumped into a bedpost.
Faint laughter came from the corner; it was the first time Lily had heard Claire laugh in days.
Lily grew frustrated and reached for her wand after bumping into another bed. I'm a witch she thought, so why am I not using magic? "Lumos," she uttered and light erupted from the tip of her wand.
In the farthest corner of the room Claire sat hunched against the walls. Her legs were drawn in and her cheeks were wet with tears but she was laughing, her voice rung clear in the dark, a sword slicing through the night.
"Oh shut it Claire, it's not that funny," Lily said rubbing her leg which was beginning to bruise.
But Claire would not stop giggling, her eyes shone bright in the faint light of the wand and eyes filled with tears of laughter. "It's just that...," Claire couldn't finish. She kept laughing when she saw the look on Lily's face.
And then all of a sudden Lily's face broke into smiles. "Claire, you are a moron," she said as she lightly pushed her and slid down beside her.
"Only a little," Claire retorted. And then she looked at Lily and stopped laughing. All the moment's brief happiness had left her.
"Claire, what is wrong?" Lily asked.
"Things," she said.
"You are a master of description," Lily said with frustration.
"Look it's not a big deal," Claire said.
"I overheard your conversation with Sirius. I know about your about your cuts. Claire, why didn't you ask me for help?"
Claire felt a sudden rage overcome her. Usually Claire was calm but these past few months she was always on the edge so she said angrily, "I shouldn't need to ask. You should know."
"What do you mean by that?" Lily asked. She was becoming confused.
"You know exactly what I mean. You didn't even notice me these past few months. You let me fall deeper and deeper while you were off snogging James."
Lily gasped and bit her tongue. Angry words exploded in her mind but she was determined to remain calm. "Well Claire we aren't all perfect. I'm sorry if I got caught up with James, but I made an effort to talk to you. You just shrugged me off. What else was there for me to do?"
"I don't know; maybe include me in what you were doing instead of just talking to me when James wasn't around."
"How could I include you when you wouldn't talk to me?" Lily questioned.
"I don't know Lily, find a way, we're supposed to be best friend's right?"
"Supposed to be, but then that would mean you would have to talk to me," Lily said.
"Look I'm sick of this; just go away Lily. You're just like everyone else. You think you can help but you can't," Claire said while the tears welled up in her eyes.
"You're wrong, I can help you," she said quietly.
That's when Claire exploded letting all the rage come out, "HOW LILY? PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN! MY MUM HAS CANCER! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, FUCKING CANCER! CAN YOU MAKE HER BETTER? NO YOU CAN'T! CAN YOU BRING BACK JADE? NO! CAN YOU MAKE ME AND SIRIUS WORK? NO! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!"
Lily was silent as she watched Claire huff and puff. Her face was red with anger and even more tears cascaded down her face. "Fine," Lily said, "but when you're ready to stop going to bed lonely and stop crying yourself to sleep then you can come and find me. And Claire, I know I can't cure your mother, I know I can't do anything about Jade or Sirius, but I can help you. I can talk to you and try and make you forget. I can hug you when you need it. I cure your loneliness. You do not have to bear all of these burdens alone."
"Yes I do Lily, I would be a bad friend to make you take on my load," Claire said calmly.
"And I would be a bad friend to watch you do it all by yourself. You're not asking me to help. I'm offering it."
"Well I shall not take you up in your offer," she said while burying her face in her knees. "I don't want to hurt you."
Lily hugged Claire tightly and whispered quietly into her ear, "You can't protect me from your problems Claire. I will get hurt in this world and it's better to feel pain while helping someone you love then to do it alone....ok?"
"Ok," Claire said. She lifted up her head and looked at Lily. Though Claire was stubborn, she knew somewhere deep within that she could not be alone any longer.
"Everything is going to be alright," said Lily as she hugged her again.
Sometimes friends couldn't make everything better, no matter how much they wanted to. Sometimes the only thing they could do was sit by and watch their friends go through pain. But they would be one the sidelines waiting to run out in case of a fatal accident. And though it took every inch of courage to sit on the bench, it was the only thing they could do.
Sirius left the party right after Lily had gone. He had walked up straight to his bed in the 7th year dormitories. He had laid down and closed his eyes waiting for sleep. But it would not come to him; instead it made him wait for many hours before finally coming. And when sleep did come it brought horrible nightmares.
"...Sirius walked through a forest where all the trees had dark midnight purple leaves and the blue grass shined with silver dew. He walked for hours until he found himself in a clearing. Across from him, on the other side, Claire danced, her long black hair hung loose and her blue eyes glowed like sapphires. He walked over to her and told her he loved her. But she just smiled and kept on dancing. So Sirius said, "I love you," again rather loudly. But she laughed and spun away from him when he reached out to touch her. And then he began to get angry so he chased her around the clearing. She was very hard to catch because she moved like the wind, blowing away from him whenever he came near. But finally he tricked her by hiding in the shadows. And when he reached out and touched her arm she screamed so loudly that the black birds flew out of the trees. And then she said in a quiet voice, "Goodbye." With that the wind came and carried her off leaving behind a wisp of smoke. Then Sirius sat down and cried and as his tears flowed down his cheeks blood red roses began to fall from the sky, their thorns piercing him as he sat. Even though Sirius wanted leave, he could not bring himself to move. And as he looked down upon his bleeding arm he could see the words 'I love you etched' in little red lines. As he stared down upon his fate blue wisps of smoke surrounded him, trapping him from the world..."
Sirius awoke with a start. He rubbed his eyes and tried to forget the dream. But as he tried to think of other things the reoccurring pictures flooded into his mind. Sirius could not forget the words I love you. So he got up and grabbed a sweatshirt and headed outside for a run. As he left he looked over at the clock, it read 2:08. He had a long time to think it over. But even now it seemed simple to him. Sirius would never have Claire, maybe he should listen to her and say goodbye.
In opposite corners of the Gryffindor common room Sirius and Claire sat. Claire was talking to Lily holding her butterbeer, which James and Remus had brought to the party. Her black hair hung loose, wet from the shower she had taken immediately after the game, into her beautiful round eyes. But they had seemed to have lost some of their color, for there was no longer sparkled, and the once bright blue had faded. She forced smiles at Lily and attempted to talk to her normally. But Sirius could tell it was unreal, it was the wall Claire put up when she made contact with anyone. She would pretend to be her usual self but as soon as the person would leave her glance would fall to the floor and she would walk silently down the hallways in a hurry. Her sleeves were always rolled down now, in fact Sirius couldn't remember the last time he had seen her pale arms.
She looked over at him for a spilt second. Her eyes were filled with longing and sadness. He knew that Claire had only told him of her mother's cancer because Lily would have acted differently over the past few months. Lily would have never let Claire be alone. She would've watched her constantly. But instead Claire hid it deep inside, confined to the depths of her heart. And it was these corners that were darkening, staining her heart black and locking it up where the barricaded doors would allow no entrance. Sirius had spent many weeks searching for the key. He had watched her every hour waiting for a hint. But she ignored him, let his attempts at conversation fall away, and told him off for bothering her.
Claire felt his stare on her. She knew he watched her constantly. How could she not know? He made no effort to hide his glances and flirtations. And to be honest Claire was sick of it. They were over, had been for a long time. He would just be another burden to deal with and Claire already had a big load. There was no reason to add another weight. But she did not deny that there was a part of her that still liked him and wanted him to help her. But she knew this was not possible and Sirius should know it too. He had seen the cuts. So why did he still want her? Why did he keep staring? Was this all a joke? If so, then how could he be so cruel? She was fed up.
"Hold on Lily," Claire said breaking their conversation of the game.
"Ok sure," said Lily who stared at Claire curiously.
Claire put down her butterbeer and began to make her way through the happy Gryffindors until she finally came to Sirius sitting in his little corner alone. She stared at him for a brief second taking him in. How amazing he looked, his dark hair fell into his tanned face and his hands were crossed into his lap. Claire had never told anyone this but she loved his hands more then anything else about him. It was just a particular fetish of hers. But as she surveyed him her anger came back to her. Even his good looks could not distract her.
"Hello Miss Li," he said in a quiet voice standing up.
"Look Sirius," she said attempting to get to the point, "I don't like you anymore. So stop staring at me, stop trying to talk to me, and stop trying to help me. I'm not part of your life anymore."
"That's not true," he whispered gazing into her eyes. He held her stare for what seemed like hours.
Claire stared back at him refusing to give up. "How do you know what is true and what isn't?" she quietly said back in a menacing tone.
"I just do," he replied with a shrug. "I know that you want help, but that you're afraid."
"Well apparently you don't know anything, if I needed help I would ask someone. And I don't. I'm just fine."
Sirius reached over and grabbed her wrist.
"Let go off me," she said angrily trying to pull her arm away, but his grip was too strong.
"Then what are these?" he said pulling up her sleeve and gesturing to the cuts. "If these are there then apparently you do need help."
Claire looked down at her arm. The little red lines danced across her snow white skin forming intricate patterns. She began to panic, this wasn't supposed to happen. He couldn't throw something like that at her.
"And I am the one to help you," he said sensing her anxiety.
"No you can't, no one can. No one understands and be thankful you don't. I hope you never will have to understand," she said forcing his hand off of her wrist. She then pulled down her sleeve and whispered softly as she turned to go, "Just let me go Sirius, you don't need me, no one does." With that she left him and walked up to her room forgetting the party, forgetting the game, forgetting the feeling of relief she had felt just hours ago. It never lasted; she was fool for ever thinking it would.
Lily knew something was wrong from the moment Claire left. So she had sat down by the fire and eavesdropped. What she had heard was shocking. And how could Claire not tell her? If Lily couldn't help her best friend then who could? So after Claire walked off to the common room she went over to Sirius.
"Hey Lily," he said forcing a smile.
"Hi," she said soothingly. "She'll be ok, you need to know that."
He looked at her and said, "I hope so. But she won't let me do anything to help her."
"Don't worry about it," Lily said knowing that it wouldn't help him in the least. "We'll all be ok in the end, she'll find her help. Ok?"
"Ok," he muttered and turned his glance to the floor.
Lily lifted up his face and smiled. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. After she had gotten close to James there was no avoiding Sirius; they were practically glued at the hips. And so the hug she gave him was entirely friendly and there was no awkwardness.
"I'm going to go talk to her now," she said and got up to leave.
Then Lily walked up toward the Gryffindor common room. When she walked in Lily could not see. Claire had blown out all the candles and so the blackness of the room encompassed her. It was only 6 but it was still late, Lily was amazed at how long the party had lasted.
"Go away," said a shallow raspy voice from the corner.
"Claire I'm not leaving. You're going to talk to me," Lily demanded and then began to feel her way over to Claire. "Damn," Lily swore as she bumped into a bedpost.
Faint laughter came from the corner; it was the first time Lily had heard Claire laugh in days.
Lily grew frustrated and reached for her wand after bumping into another bed. I'm a witch she thought, so why am I not using magic? "Lumos," she uttered and light erupted from the tip of her wand.
In the farthest corner of the room Claire sat hunched against the walls. Her legs were drawn in and her cheeks were wet with tears but she was laughing, her voice rung clear in the dark, a sword slicing through the night.
"Oh shut it Claire, it's not that funny," Lily said rubbing her leg which was beginning to bruise.
But Claire would not stop giggling, her eyes shone bright in the faint light of the wand and eyes filled with tears of laughter. "It's just that...," Claire couldn't finish. She kept laughing when she saw the look on Lily's face.
And then all of a sudden Lily's face broke into smiles. "Claire, you are a moron," she said as she lightly pushed her and slid down beside her.
"Only a little," Claire retorted. And then she looked at Lily and stopped laughing. All the moment's brief happiness had left her.
"Claire, what is wrong?" Lily asked.
"Things," she said.
"You are a master of description," Lily said with frustration.
"Look it's not a big deal," Claire said.
"I overheard your conversation with Sirius. I know about your about your cuts. Claire, why didn't you ask me for help?"
Claire felt a sudden rage overcome her. Usually Claire was calm but these past few months she was always on the edge so she said angrily, "I shouldn't need to ask. You should know."
"What do you mean by that?" Lily asked. She was becoming confused.
"You know exactly what I mean. You didn't even notice me these past few months. You let me fall deeper and deeper while you were off snogging James."
Lily gasped and bit her tongue. Angry words exploded in her mind but she was determined to remain calm. "Well Claire we aren't all perfect. I'm sorry if I got caught up with James, but I made an effort to talk to you. You just shrugged me off. What else was there for me to do?"
"I don't know; maybe include me in what you were doing instead of just talking to me when James wasn't around."
"How could I include you when you wouldn't talk to me?" Lily questioned.
"I don't know Lily, find a way, we're supposed to be best friend's right?"
"Supposed to be, but then that would mean you would have to talk to me," Lily said.
"Look I'm sick of this; just go away Lily. You're just like everyone else. You think you can help but you can't," Claire said while the tears welled up in her eyes.
"You're wrong, I can help you," she said quietly.
That's when Claire exploded letting all the rage come out, "HOW LILY? PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN! MY MUM HAS CANCER! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, FUCKING CANCER! CAN YOU MAKE HER BETTER? NO YOU CAN'T! CAN YOU BRING BACK JADE? NO! CAN YOU MAKE ME AND SIRIUS WORK? NO! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!"
Lily was silent as she watched Claire huff and puff. Her face was red with anger and even more tears cascaded down her face. "Fine," Lily said, "but when you're ready to stop going to bed lonely and stop crying yourself to sleep then you can come and find me. And Claire, I know I can't cure your mother, I know I can't do anything about Jade or Sirius, but I can help you. I can talk to you and try and make you forget. I can hug you when you need it. I cure your loneliness. You do not have to bear all of these burdens alone."
"Yes I do Lily, I would be a bad friend to make you take on my load," Claire said calmly.
"And I would be a bad friend to watch you do it all by yourself. You're not asking me to help. I'm offering it."
"Well I shall not take you up in your offer," she said while burying her face in her knees. "I don't want to hurt you."
Lily hugged Claire tightly and whispered quietly into her ear, "You can't protect me from your problems Claire. I will get hurt in this world and it's better to feel pain while helping someone you love then to do it alone....ok?"
"Ok," Claire said. She lifted up her head and looked at Lily. Though Claire was stubborn, she knew somewhere deep within that she could not be alone any longer.
"Everything is going to be alright," said Lily as she hugged her again.
Sometimes friends couldn't make everything better, no matter how much they wanted to. Sometimes the only thing they could do was sit by and watch their friends go through pain. But they would be one the sidelines waiting to run out in case of a fatal accident. And though it took every inch of courage to sit on the bench, it was the only thing they could do.
Sirius left the party right after Lily had gone. He had walked up straight to his bed in the 7th year dormitories. He had laid down and closed his eyes waiting for sleep. But it would not come to him; instead it made him wait for many hours before finally coming. And when sleep did come it brought horrible nightmares.
"...Sirius walked through a forest where all the trees had dark midnight purple leaves and the blue grass shined with silver dew. He walked for hours until he found himself in a clearing. Across from him, on the other side, Claire danced, her long black hair hung loose and her blue eyes glowed like sapphires. He walked over to her and told her he loved her. But she just smiled and kept on dancing. So Sirius said, "I love you," again rather loudly. But she laughed and spun away from him when he reached out to touch her. And then he began to get angry so he chased her around the clearing. She was very hard to catch because she moved like the wind, blowing away from him whenever he came near. But finally he tricked her by hiding in the shadows. And when he reached out and touched her arm she screamed so loudly that the black birds flew out of the trees. And then she said in a quiet voice, "Goodbye." With that the wind came and carried her off leaving behind a wisp of smoke. Then Sirius sat down and cried and as his tears flowed down his cheeks blood red roses began to fall from the sky, their thorns piercing him as he sat. Even though Sirius wanted leave, he could not bring himself to move. And as he looked down upon his bleeding arm he could see the words 'I love you etched' in little red lines. As he stared down upon his fate blue wisps of smoke surrounded him, trapping him from the world..."
Sirius awoke with a start. He rubbed his eyes and tried to forget the dream. But as he tried to think of other things the reoccurring pictures flooded into his mind. Sirius could not forget the words I love you. So he got up and grabbed a sweatshirt and headed outside for a run. As he left he looked over at the clock, it read 2:08. He had a long time to think it over. But even now it seemed simple to him. Sirius would never have Claire, maybe he should listen to her and say goodbye.