A Fluffy-sized THANK YOU to everyone who has commented so far ~ Andolyn, anonymous, Aurumlupi, Beccs, Becky, Bluemeanies, Chrystal Sphere, Countess Gemina, emma, finmagik, fyrephoenix, Jessica C. Malfoy, JJ, Katherine aka Star, Lataradk, laylin, LilyAyl, lise, llarian, LunaDaisy, Mohs, MongolianPrincess, Nomad, Normandie M, Nyarth Kyukon, Opalescent Margarine, Pinkpanther, princess of mordor, ProfSnapeFan, Sayan, Sev's Girl, Skyfire, summersun, Tess, The Pen of Power, TJ, Unicorn Lady , Unstopable Writer of Dreams, vu, whisper, and wmlaw. I appreciate the encouragement and all your comments - both positive and negative. I just hope I can keep you all laughing.
Yes, this is a very silly story and it will continue to be silly. Poor Snape needs a laugh after all the angst he's been through between JKR, Voldemort and the fans. :) It's time he had a chance to fall over his own feet for a change.
Kazza
P.S. Llarian -right idea but wrong Shakespearian play. Hint. Hint. ;)
Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Hogwarts and its characters are not mine and never will be. This is for fannish amusement only. No copyright infringement of any sort is intended.
Wizard's Honour
--------------------------------
Part 9
--------------------------------
"What are you up to, your old phantom?" Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington drew himself to his full spectral height in the hallway and glowered down his ghostly nose at the Bloody Baron. Behind Sir Nicholas, the Fat Friar attempted to appear equally stern and instead gave the impression he had otherworldly indigestion.
The Bloody Baron raised his left eyebrow and hissed menacingly through his teeth.
"Yes, very scary I'm sure," said Sir Nicholas in an offhanded manner than hid his fear of Hogwarts' oldest ghost. "You haven't answered me. What did you do to Professor Snape to make him run like that?"
"Go away," hissed the Baron.
"We are staying right here, thank you very much, until you answer us." Sir Nicholas crossed his transparent arms and gave the Baron his best 'You've been a very naughty First Year' stare.
"Us?" the Baron whispered.
Nearly Headless Nick looked over his shoulder just in time to see the Fat Friar disappearing around a bend in the corridor as fast as his ectoplasm could carry him. Sir Nick's courage was disappearing as quickly as the ghostly monk had and he was about to follow the Friar's example when his thoughts of flight were interrupted.
"Yes, my lord Baron!" The Grey Lady proclaimed as she swooped out of an open doorway. "I have had enough of this improper behaviour of yours. Exactly what is going on?" She drew her fan from her sleeve and flicked it open. "Would you prefer to tell us or the Headmaster?"
The Bloody Baron glared at the Grey Lady. Both the Lady and Sir Nicholas, who was 'bravely' hiding behind her, glared back at the Baron.
"You would not dare?" The Baron scowled.
"You would doubt my will to do so?" The Grey Lady closed her fan with a snap.
"No, wench," the Baron snarled. "But it would be your word against mine." The Baron turned and floated through the ceiling.
"Wench?! Wench?!" she screeched in very unladylike manner. "So be it!" The Grey Lady turned.
"Come, Sir Nicholas," she said in a very McGonagall-like tone. "We have to speak to the Headmaster."
"Must we?" Sir Nicholas asked quietly. He winced as the Lady's ghostly fan was thrown in his face, knocking his head sideways. "Owww!"
"Now!"
"Yes, milady." Sir Nick sighed, pushed his head upright, handed the fan back to the Lady and followed her down the corridor.
-----------
"Now, using the main telescope is a privilege that comes with a great responsibility," said Sinistra firmly to the Gryffindor and Slytherin fifth years. "That is why you have only used the smaller telescopes until now. This is a delicate piece of equipment that specialist Wizard Astronomers took years to create and enchant. I do not want to find any more sticky fingerprints on it, like after your last class." She shot a stern look at Crabbe and Goyle who looked embarrassed and wiped their hands on their robes.
"You must be sure to always align the telescope's lens to the correct angle and in the correct combination so that you may see through the afternoon clouds. As I have told you all before, daytime observations are complex. The different lenses compensate for different types of light and cloud. It is no use using a Storm lens for a Cumulous - "
Sinistra looked towards Lavender Brown who was waving her arm in the air. Lavender was notorious for not paying attention and, thought Aurora, had probably lost track of the class after five seconds.
"Yes, Miss Brown," Sinistra said tetchily.
"Parvati and I want to know Professor," Lavender giggled, "is Professor Snape a good kisser?"
Sinistra stared speechless at Lavender until Hermione Granger's muttered 'Lavender, you idiot', Seamus Finnegan's 'she must be mad', Ron Weasley's 'yuck, I feel sick' and Draco Malfoy's 'just you wait until Professor Snape hears about this, Brown' comments broke though her shock.
"How dare you?" Aurora snapped at the girl.
Lavender squeaked and leant back in her chair as the Astronomy Professor charged up to her.
"This is a classroom not a place to gossip and read 'Witches Weekly'," Sinistra wrenched the magazine from under Lavender's textbook and threw it onto the floor. "Or for discussing your teachers' personal lives, which are none-of-your-business. Five points from Gryffindor for your insolence and be glad it's not ten times that!"
Lavender and Parvati sniffed and silently watched their suddenly very strict and scary Astronomy Professor.
"And," added Sinistra, "it will be five more points each if you don't start paying attention in class. Understood?"
The girls nodded and Sinistra stomped back to the large Magical Telescope in the centre of the room.
"The same goes for anyone else who mentions any teacher's private life or their opinion of it." She added, "From either house." Draco Malfoy, who was smirking at the Gryffindors, suddenly wiped the smirk off his face.
"Where was I?" Sinistra asked the class.
"Cloud lenses, Professor Sinistra." Harry Potter said quietly.
"Right!" With one last glare at Lavender and Parvati, Sinistra continued to lecture the class on the correct use of the six different cloud lenses in Hogwarts' Magical Telescope.
If Professor Sinistra had thought she'd silenced the speculation with her outburst she was wrong. Very wrong.
-----------
That evening in the staff meeting room just before dinner an unusual event was occurring. Unusual for Hogwarts that is.
When Alastor Moody had taken over as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, with Penelope Clearwater as his assistant teacher, he had brought with him the tools of his Auror's trade and also the vices he'd picked up along the way. Unlike someone else who had used his name, Alastor Moody's vices were quite minor. A liking for admiring pretty women and the occasional bet.
"I should not allow this, you know Alastor," Albus Dumbledore said quietly as he examined the piece of parchment that lay on the table beside a small pile of coins.
"Come on, Albus, It's only a bit of fun." Moody said gruffly.
"Please Professor," Sprout added. "We mean no harm."
"Very well," Dumbledore replied. "But if this all goes wrong it's your responsibility to fix it Alastor."
Moody nodded.
"What is it this time?" Dumbledore picked up the list of odds and read it silently.
5 to 1 Snape runs
2 to 1 Sinistra runs
3 to 1 Sinistra kills him
2 to 1 They kill their relatives and call it quits
150 to 1 They fall in love and stay married
3 to 1 One of them resigns
5 to 1 Both of them resign
2 to 1 It's all a joke
2 to 1 Snape poisons her.
3 to 1 Snape kills her, not poisoning. Note - death by kiss doesn't count
4 to 1 They stay married and hate each other
1000 to 1 They fall in love, marry, Snape's hair is perfectly clean every day, they have a child in a year and Sinistra wins the Astronomer of the Year Award
50 to 1 One of them elopes with someone else
"That's not very nice, Alastor," Dumbledore handed the parchment back to Moody. "Don't let the students see it."
"Oh." Moody said gruffly. "By students would that include the Prefects?"
Dumbledore blinked and put his hands on his hips.
"Get rid of it, Professor Moody." Dumbledore said sternly. "Give everyone their money back and destroy that list and any others like it."
"But, Albus, it's only the Slytherins!"
"I'm not arguing with you Alastor. Do it! Between you and the Bloody Baron this place is becoming a mad house! The Slytherins are a quarter of the student population of this school. How do you expect to get their respect if you insult former Slytherin students like this? Not to mention fellow teachers?"
"Sorry, Albus," Moody muttered and set fire to the parchment.
"Was that the only copy?" Dumbledore demanded.
"Yes, I only ever have one copy."
-----------
At that very moment in the Potions classroom a Slytherin Prefect was handing Professor Snape a Quick Quotes Quill copy of the list.
To be continued
Yes, this is a very silly story and it will continue to be silly. Poor Snape needs a laugh after all the angst he's been through between JKR, Voldemort and the fans. :) It's time he had a chance to fall over his own feet for a change.
Kazza
P.S. Llarian -right idea but wrong Shakespearian play. Hint. Hint. ;)
Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Hogwarts and its characters are not mine and never will be. This is for fannish amusement only. No copyright infringement of any sort is intended.
Wizard's Honour
--------------------------------
Part 9
--------------------------------
"What are you up to, your old phantom?" Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington drew himself to his full spectral height in the hallway and glowered down his ghostly nose at the Bloody Baron. Behind Sir Nicholas, the Fat Friar attempted to appear equally stern and instead gave the impression he had otherworldly indigestion.
The Bloody Baron raised his left eyebrow and hissed menacingly through his teeth.
"Yes, very scary I'm sure," said Sir Nicholas in an offhanded manner than hid his fear of Hogwarts' oldest ghost. "You haven't answered me. What did you do to Professor Snape to make him run like that?"
"Go away," hissed the Baron.
"We are staying right here, thank you very much, until you answer us." Sir Nicholas crossed his transparent arms and gave the Baron his best 'You've been a very naughty First Year' stare.
"Us?" the Baron whispered.
Nearly Headless Nick looked over his shoulder just in time to see the Fat Friar disappearing around a bend in the corridor as fast as his ectoplasm could carry him. Sir Nick's courage was disappearing as quickly as the ghostly monk had and he was about to follow the Friar's example when his thoughts of flight were interrupted.
"Yes, my lord Baron!" The Grey Lady proclaimed as she swooped out of an open doorway. "I have had enough of this improper behaviour of yours. Exactly what is going on?" She drew her fan from her sleeve and flicked it open. "Would you prefer to tell us or the Headmaster?"
The Bloody Baron glared at the Grey Lady. Both the Lady and Sir Nicholas, who was 'bravely' hiding behind her, glared back at the Baron.
"You would not dare?" The Baron scowled.
"You would doubt my will to do so?" The Grey Lady closed her fan with a snap.
"No, wench," the Baron snarled. "But it would be your word against mine." The Baron turned and floated through the ceiling.
"Wench?! Wench?!" she screeched in very unladylike manner. "So be it!" The Grey Lady turned.
"Come, Sir Nicholas," she said in a very McGonagall-like tone. "We have to speak to the Headmaster."
"Must we?" Sir Nicholas asked quietly. He winced as the Lady's ghostly fan was thrown in his face, knocking his head sideways. "Owww!"
"Now!"
"Yes, milady." Sir Nick sighed, pushed his head upright, handed the fan back to the Lady and followed her down the corridor.
-----------
"Now, using the main telescope is a privilege that comes with a great responsibility," said Sinistra firmly to the Gryffindor and Slytherin fifth years. "That is why you have only used the smaller telescopes until now. This is a delicate piece of equipment that specialist Wizard Astronomers took years to create and enchant. I do not want to find any more sticky fingerprints on it, like after your last class." She shot a stern look at Crabbe and Goyle who looked embarrassed and wiped their hands on their robes.
"You must be sure to always align the telescope's lens to the correct angle and in the correct combination so that you may see through the afternoon clouds. As I have told you all before, daytime observations are complex. The different lenses compensate for different types of light and cloud. It is no use using a Storm lens for a Cumulous - "
Sinistra looked towards Lavender Brown who was waving her arm in the air. Lavender was notorious for not paying attention and, thought Aurora, had probably lost track of the class after five seconds.
"Yes, Miss Brown," Sinistra said tetchily.
"Parvati and I want to know Professor," Lavender giggled, "is Professor Snape a good kisser?"
Sinistra stared speechless at Lavender until Hermione Granger's muttered 'Lavender, you idiot', Seamus Finnegan's 'she must be mad', Ron Weasley's 'yuck, I feel sick' and Draco Malfoy's 'just you wait until Professor Snape hears about this, Brown' comments broke though her shock.
"How dare you?" Aurora snapped at the girl.
Lavender squeaked and leant back in her chair as the Astronomy Professor charged up to her.
"This is a classroom not a place to gossip and read 'Witches Weekly'," Sinistra wrenched the magazine from under Lavender's textbook and threw it onto the floor. "Or for discussing your teachers' personal lives, which are none-of-your-business. Five points from Gryffindor for your insolence and be glad it's not ten times that!"
Lavender and Parvati sniffed and silently watched their suddenly very strict and scary Astronomy Professor.
"And," added Sinistra, "it will be five more points each if you don't start paying attention in class. Understood?"
The girls nodded and Sinistra stomped back to the large Magical Telescope in the centre of the room.
"The same goes for anyone else who mentions any teacher's private life or their opinion of it." She added, "From either house." Draco Malfoy, who was smirking at the Gryffindors, suddenly wiped the smirk off his face.
"Where was I?" Sinistra asked the class.
"Cloud lenses, Professor Sinistra." Harry Potter said quietly.
"Right!" With one last glare at Lavender and Parvati, Sinistra continued to lecture the class on the correct use of the six different cloud lenses in Hogwarts' Magical Telescope.
If Professor Sinistra had thought she'd silenced the speculation with her outburst she was wrong. Very wrong.
-----------
That evening in the staff meeting room just before dinner an unusual event was occurring. Unusual for Hogwarts that is.
When Alastor Moody had taken over as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, with Penelope Clearwater as his assistant teacher, he had brought with him the tools of his Auror's trade and also the vices he'd picked up along the way. Unlike someone else who had used his name, Alastor Moody's vices were quite minor. A liking for admiring pretty women and the occasional bet.
"I should not allow this, you know Alastor," Albus Dumbledore said quietly as he examined the piece of parchment that lay on the table beside a small pile of coins.
"Come on, Albus, It's only a bit of fun." Moody said gruffly.
"Please Professor," Sprout added. "We mean no harm."
"Very well," Dumbledore replied. "But if this all goes wrong it's your responsibility to fix it Alastor."
Moody nodded.
"What is it this time?" Dumbledore picked up the list of odds and read it silently.
5 to 1 Snape runs
2 to 1 Sinistra runs
3 to 1 Sinistra kills him
2 to 1 They kill their relatives and call it quits
150 to 1 They fall in love and stay married
3 to 1 One of them resigns
5 to 1 Both of them resign
2 to 1 It's all a joke
2 to 1 Snape poisons her.
3 to 1 Snape kills her, not poisoning. Note - death by kiss doesn't count
4 to 1 They stay married and hate each other
1000 to 1 They fall in love, marry, Snape's hair is perfectly clean every day, they have a child in a year and Sinistra wins the Astronomer of the Year Award
50 to 1 One of them elopes with someone else
"That's not very nice, Alastor," Dumbledore handed the parchment back to Moody. "Don't let the students see it."
"Oh." Moody said gruffly. "By students would that include the Prefects?"
Dumbledore blinked and put his hands on his hips.
"Get rid of it, Professor Moody." Dumbledore said sternly. "Give everyone their money back and destroy that list and any others like it."
"But, Albus, it's only the Slytherins!"
"I'm not arguing with you Alastor. Do it! Between you and the Bloody Baron this place is becoming a mad house! The Slytherins are a quarter of the student population of this school. How do you expect to get their respect if you insult former Slytherin students like this? Not to mention fellow teachers?"
"Sorry, Albus," Moody muttered and set fire to the parchment.
"Was that the only copy?" Dumbledore demanded.
"Yes, I only ever have one copy."
-----------
At that very moment in the Potions classroom a Slytherin Prefect was handing Professor Snape a Quick Quotes Quill copy of the list.
To be continued