Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. Check with J.K. Rowling.
Title: "The Queen Mother of All Secrets"
By: Ivory Tower
Summary: Dear lord, not *another* secret about our beloved Harry Potter.
Harry, Ron and Hermione were on their way back from Hogsmeade when a strange old man with electric blue eyes crawled out from the Forbidden Forest. "Harry Potter," he wheezed, falling onto the path in front of them ,"You...have ...a...secret... Take... this...". The old man dropped dead, and from his hand rolled a shiny, pearlescent marble. With a slight frown Harry bent over and picked up the marble. The three friends examined it.
"Whoa!" exclaimed Ron, completely mystified as usual, "This one must have been thru hundreds of games."
"How do you know anything about marbles, Ron? It's a muggle game," Harry reminded his sidekick.
Ron shrugged. *That* he did not know. Hermione, on the otherhand, had conjured up a tape measure and her handy dandy on-the-go potions kit for occasions just like this one! On a nearby table not far off the path she set up a miniature lab with which to test the marble. After much measuring, mixing, testing and recording of results Hermione returned to the two with a pleased smile.
"It's a fairly *old* marble, Harry,"she announced with much awe and excitement, carefully dropping it into Harry's cupped palm.
"Wow!" whispered Harry. "Another secret about myself that might alter the course of the Earth's events on even a subatomic level! And this," here Harry raised the minute marble high above his head so that it glinted in the bright sunlight,"is the key!"
Hermione looked down at their feet. "I wonder who the old man was?"
"Who cares? I've got the marble now. Let's get back to Hogwarts and figure this out."
"Right," agreed Ron,"and we won't tell Dumbledore because we don't want to worry him even if it risks the lives of all of us."
"And if Neville or any other normal halfwit happens upon us and gets suspicious, we'll simply hide the marble in a hurried manner and tell the halfwit he or she is hallucinating and not to worry about it,"added the knowledgable Hermione.
To this they heartily nodded and left the dead old man to be swallowed by a sudden plothole that opened beneath him.
Back at Hogwarts everyone was freshening up for dinner. The three Gryffindors entered their Common Room with much whispering and shooting furtive glances at everyone. Ron's breathing grew shaky in his nervousness. "Do you think anyone suspects anything," he asked in a loud whisper. Then he nearly Avada Kedavara'd Ginny, except he wasn't powerful enough-something he and all the students repeatedly forgot. At any rate, Ginny stomped off to the girls dorm, angry that Ron had ruined a perfect opportunity for her to seduce Harry by showing him her rapidly developing breasts.
Harry, Ron and Hermione huddled in the corner to discuss the mystical marble. Much time would be needed to discover how it tied into Harry's secret. Harry decided that they should conspicuously miss dinner and wander about Hogwarts with the hopes something else would inevitably happen: something that linked to the marble and, thus, to Harry's secret. Ron proposed this a capital idea and the three rushed up into the boys dormatory to get the infamous invisbility cloak. Little did they know that since Snape had worn it in the third book, the cloak had developed a psychic connection with the eerie Potions Master.
So, while the three Gryffindors proceeded with their quest, Snape suddenly jumped up from the Head Table and ran out, his black robes flaring behind him. Not that anyone really noticed. Mind you, Snape was renowned for being able to hone in on the slightest sound up to twenty-five miles away. Besides, he rarely finished dinner for one reason or another. Trelawney suspected Snape hadn't had a decent meal since 1985. She then suspected Snape's paranoia had spread to suspecting the House Elves of trying to do him in.
Meanwhile, the infamous trio had stumbled upon a beautiful massive door carved from a single block of Beryl. They were so far into the Hogwarts Castle they no longer registered as even existing on the Marauders Map.
"Look!" whispered Harry. "The marble...it's glowing!"
"It's trying to communicate with us!" Ron looked borderline basketcase over this.
Hermione examined the door with her new and improved 'Harry Potter Secrets Tracker'.
"There's definitely something behind this door, Harry."
"Of course there is. Look at the note." Harry unstuck a piece of parchment attached to the door. "Harry Potter," he read aloud, "If you walk thru this door I shall destroy you. In simpler terms this means I shall kill you and you will cease to live. Therefore, do not walk thru this door unless you have a death wish or you are incredibly stupid and must stay true to the Gryffindor way. Sincerely yours, The Dark Lord."
Ron paled,"D-do you think that m-means he-who-must-not-be-named is behind that door?"
Harry pocketed the parchment. "I don't know, Ron," he stated earnestly. "It may be someone's sick idea of a joke. It could be Snape."
"No it couldn't. I'm right behind you."
Hermione screamed. Ron fainted. Harry went very white but was as defiant with Snape as ever. "Don't you have a life, Snape? I mean, really, doesn't following me around ever get old?"
Snape looked throughly upset. "Harry, I am your father and I hate it when you talk back to me like this!"
Harry put a hand across his heart and fell back against the wall. "So that's why you always treat me like dirt! Why didn't you tell me?"
"And how is it possible?" interjected the logical Hermione.
"Well," began Snape as the three sat down at a table, "I only slept with your mother, Lily, to get to James because I really wanted Remus but that miserable Black ruined everything. You were just a by-product of the whole mess, Harry-a constant reminder of my lust and stupidity! Now that that's cleared up-."
Hermione frowned at Snape. "Now I suppose we can't go on sleeping with each other?"
Harry gasped and clutched at his heart again. Ron came to and seated himself next to Hermione, who offered him a crumpet.
"So...so this is *your* marble, isn't it?" demanded Harry.
"Yes," said Snape solemnly. "In my youth I was a master marble player but I was forced to resign when I lost my lucky marble. You keep it, Harry. No hard feelings?"
"I suppose not. I don't even care if you and Hermione continue sleeping together with each other. I think I have my eye on Ron, Ginny and Malfoy."
"Ah yes...Malfoy...," mused Snape, "he's even better at rim jobs than Lucius."
"Don't I know it?" Ron smirked and tossed a few buttermints in his mouth.
"So who was the old man who had the marble in the first place?" Hermione wanted to know.
Snape shrugged. "Just another expendable, nameless character."
A loud banging on the otherside of the beautiful Beryl door startled them aplenty. "Are you quite finished in there?" called Voldemort. "I am getting very bored."
"Yes! Yes!" Snape wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Well, Harry, let's see if you survive this one or not. Then Hermione and I have a date in the hospital where I shall be recovering from at least a hundred Cruciatus Curses delivered in under five minutes."
Ron popped a few more buttermints in his mouth before they rushed into the next room like complete idiots. Voldemort stood in the exact center of the room with two cool-looking blackish red flames on either side of him for no other reason than aesthetic appeal.
"Nice touch," commented Snape.
"Thought of it myself. Now shut up, Severus, I will deliver an intensely painful, nearly fatal Cruciatus Curse your way after I give my dramatic speech. Now then, Potter-."
"Actually, my last name is Snape because Severus is-."
"I know that, Potter, but 'Potter' sounds better than 'Snape'. Don't interrupt me again. You're ruining the mood."
"Sorry."
"Right." Voldemort drew himself up proudly. "Countless times you have escaped unscathed, Harry Potter, but your luck has finally ended! First I shall torture your newfound father and your little friends just to anger you, amuse myself, and waste time! Then, when you foolishly attempt to best me, I will waste more time in an elaborate game of cat and mouse to further amuse my twisted ego. This will also give your friends plenty of time to pull some stupid parlor trick behind my back that ultimately results-."
"Tom, I'm really craving a cigarette. Could you please-?"
"Yes! Yes! Severus why did you get that girl addicted to nicotine?"
"I just offered her one. I never forced the cigarette down her throat."
Voldemort frowned and, laughing maniacally while still frowning, aimed his wand at Snape. "Crucio!" he intoned evilly.
Snape screamed, lurched, fell to the floor, writhed with pain, groaned, clenched his hands, gasped, yelled, unclenched his hands and by all rights should have died from the strain on his heart, but of course he did not die.
"God, he looks sexy when he's unjulating in agony," sighed Hermione, taking a deep drag off her cigarette. "Ron! That's your cue!"
"Oh! Yeah! Damn you V-V-V-arrrrgh!" Ron proceeded to run around the room, completely out of control. Voldemort rendered him unconscious with a spell neither you nor I have ever heard of and sounds overly-contrived.
"Harry!" shrieked Hermione. "Run! It's you he wants and the world must be saved! I'll hold him off until you get help."
"But I can't leave you or Ron or Sn-my father! Oh daddy, I'm sorry Voldemort loves to torture you so!"
"Do what she says Pot-Harry! I'll be okay. Come tomorrow I'll be carrying Hermione over the threshold of our new-OUCH! This really hurts!"
Completely flustered, Harry threw the pearlescent marble at Voldemort. Naturally, this was just the thing needed to vanquish the evil Dark Lord until the realm of fanfiction conjured him anew. In less than a millisecond it was all over.
"Oh Harry!" cried Hermione, trampling her beloved Snape to get a hug from the Boy-Who-Lived.
Then, Dumbledore and half the school walked in to congratulate Harry and completely disregard everyone else. It was never explained how Voldemort gained access inside the school or why the mysterious room with the Beryl door existed in the first place. But it didn't matter because Dumbledore had been in the know about everything all along, and there was a big nudist wedding for Hermione and Snape, Harry and Ginny, and Malfoy and Ron. They all agreed to swap partners on a weekly basis, and all of this occured before Harry officially graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
~FIN~
Title: "The Queen Mother of All Secrets"
By: Ivory Tower
Summary: Dear lord, not *another* secret about our beloved Harry Potter.
Harry, Ron and Hermione were on their way back from Hogsmeade when a strange old man with electric blue eyes crawled out from the Forbidden Forest. "Harry Potter," he wheezed, falling onto the path in front of them ,"You...have ...a...secret... Take... this...". The old man dropped dead, and from his hand rolled a shiny, pearlescent marble. With a slight frown Harry bent over and picked up the marble. The three friends examined it.
"Whoa!" exclaimed Ron, completely mystified as usual, "This one must have been thru hundreds of games."
"How do you know anything about marbles, Ron? It's a muggle game," Harry reminded his sidekick.
Ron shrugged. *That* he did not know. Hermione, on the otherhand, had conjured up a tape measure and her handy dandy on-the-go potions kit for occasions just like this one! On a nearby table not far off the path she set up a miniature lab with which to test the marble. After much measuring, mixing, testing and recording of results Hermione returned to the two with a pleased smile.
"It's a fairly *old* marble, Harry,"she announced with much awe and excitement, carefully dropping it into Harry's cupped palm.
"Wow!" whispered Harry. "Another secret about myself that might alter the course of the Earth's events on even a subatomic level! And this," here Harry raised the minute marble high above his head so that it glinted in the bright sunlight,"is the key!"
Hermione looked down at their feet. "I wonder who the old man was?"
"Who cares? I've got the marble now. Let's get back to Hogwarts and figure this out."
"Right," agreed Ron,"and we won't tell Dumbledore because we don't want to worry him even if it risks the lives of all of us."
"And if Neville or any other normal halfwit happens upon us and gets suspicious, we'll simply hide the marble in a hurried manner and tell the halfwit he or she is hallucinating and not to worry about it,"added the knowledgable Hermione.
To this they heartily nodded and left the dead old man to be swallowed by a sudden plothole that opened beneath him.
Back at Hogwarts everyone was freshening up for dinner. The three Gryffindors entered their Common Room with much whispering and shooting furtive glances at everyone. Ron's breathing grew shaky in his nervousness. "Do you think anyone suspects anything," he asked in a loud whisper. Then he nearly Avada Kedavara'd Ginny, except he wasn't powerful enough-something he and all the students repeatedly forgot. At any rate, Ginny stomped off to the girls dorm, angry that Ron had ruined a perfect opportunity for her to seduce Harry by showing him her rapidly developing breasts.
Harry, Ron and Hermione huddled in the corner to discuss the mystical marble. Much time would be needed to discover how it tied into Harry's secret. Harry decided that they should conspicuously miss dinner and wander about Hogwarts with the hopes something else would inevitably happen: something that linked to the marble and, thus, to Harry's secret. Ron proposed this a capital idea and the three rushed up into the boys dormatory to get the infamous invisbility cloak. Little did they know that since Snape had worn it in the third book, the cloak had developed a psychic connection with the eerie Potions Master.
So, while the three Gryffindors proceeded with their quest, Snape suddenly jumped up from the Head Table and ran out, his black robes flaring behind him. Not that anyone really noticed. Mind you, Snape was renowned for being able to hone in on the slightest sound up to twenty-five miles away. Besides, he rarely finished dinner for one reason or another. Trelawney suspected Snape hadn't had a decent meal since 1985. She then suspected Snape's paranoia had spread to suspecting the House Elves of trying to do him in.
Meanwhile, the infamous trio had stumbled upon a beautiful massive door carved from a single block of Beryl. They were so far into the Hogwarts Castle they no longer registered as even existing on the Marauders Map.
"Look!" whispered Harry. "The marble...it's glowing!"
"It's trying to communicate with us!" Ron looked borderline basketcase over this.
Hermione examined the door with her new and improved 'Harry Potter Secrets Tracker'.
"There's definitely something behind this door, Harry."
"Of course there is. Look at the note." Harry unstuck a piece of parchment attached to the door. "Harry Potter," he read aloud, "If you walk thru this door I shall destroy you. In simpler terms this means I shall kill you and you will cease to live. Therefore, do not walk thru this door unless you have a death wish or you are incredibly stupid and must stay true to the Gryffindor way. Sincerely yours, The Dark Lord."
Ron paled,"D-do you think that m-means he-who-must-not-be-named is behind that door?"
Harry pocketed the parchment. "I don't know, Ron," he stated earnestly. "It may be someone's sick idea of a joke. It could be Snape."
"No it couldn't. I'm right behind you."
Hermione screamed. Ron fainted. Harry went very white but was as defiant with Snape as ever. "Don't you have a life, Snape? I mean, really, doesn't following me around ever get old?"
Snape looked throughly upset. "Harry, I am your father and I hate it when you talk back to me like this!"
Harry put a hand across his heart and fell back against the wall. "So that's why you always treat me like dirt! Why didn't you tell me?"
"And how is it possible?" interjected the logical Hermione.
"Well," began Snape as the three sat down at a table, "I only slept with your mother, Lily, to get to James because I really wanted Remus but that miserable Black ruined everything. You were just a by-product of the whole mess, Harry-a constant reminder of my lust and stupidity! Now that that's cleared up-."
Hermione frowned at Snape. "Now I suppose we can't go on sleeping with each other?"
Harry gasped and clutched at his heart again. Ron came to and seated himself next to Hermione, who offered him a crumpet.
"So...so this is *your* marble, isn't it?" demanded Harry.
"Yes," said Snape solemnly. "In my youth I was a master marble player but I was forced to resign when I lost my lucky marble. You keep it, Harry. No hard feelings?"
"I suppose not. I don't even care if you and Hermione continue sleeping together with each other. I think I have my eye on Ron, Ginny and Malfoy."
"Ah yes...Malfoy...," mused Snape, "he's even better at rim jobs than Lucius."
"Don't I know it?" Ron smirked and tossed a few buttermints in his mouth.
"So who was the old man who had the marble in the first place?" Hermione wanted to know.
Snape shrugged. "Just another expendable, nameless character."
A loud banging on the otherside of the beautiful Beryl door startled them aplenty. "Are you quite finished in there?" called Voldemort. "I am getting very bored."
"Yes! Yes!" Snape wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Well, Harry, let's see if you survive this one or not. Then Hermione and I have a date in the hospital where I shall be recovering from at least a hundred Cruciatus Curses delivered in under five minutes."
Ron popped a few more buttermints in his mouth before they rushed into the next room like complete idiots. Voldemort stood in the exact center of the room with two cool-looking blackish red flames on either side of him for no other reason than aesthetic appeal.
"Nice touch," commented Snape.
"Thought of it myself. Now shut up, Severus, I will deliver an intensely painful, nearly fatal Cruciatus Curse your way after I give my dramatic speech. Now then, Potter-."
"Actually, my last name is Snape because Severus is-."
"I know that, Potter, but 'Potter' sounds better than 'Snape'. Don't interrupt me again. You're ruining the mood."
"Sorry."
"Right." Voldemort drew himself up proudly. "Countless times you have escaped unscathed, Harry Potter, but your luck has finally ended! First I shall torture your newfound father and your little friends just to anger you, amuse myself, and waste time! Then, when you foolishly attempt to best me, I will waste more time in an elaborate game of cat and mouse to further amuse my twisted ego. This will also give your friends plenty of time to pull some stupid parlor trick behind my back that ultimately results-."
"Tom, I'm really craving a cigarette. Could you please-?"
"Yes! Yes! Severus why did you get that girl addicted to nicotine?"
"I just offered her one. I never forced the cigarette down her throat."
Voldemort frowned and, laughing maniacally while still frowning, aimed his wand at Snape. "Crucio!" he intoned evilly.
Snape screamed, lurched, fell to the floor, writhed with pain, groaned, clenched his hands, gasped, yelled, unclenched his hands and by all rights should have died from the strain on his heart, but of course he did not die.
"God, he looks sexy when he's unjulating in agony," sighed Hermione, taking a deep drag off her cigarette. "Ron! That's your cue!"
"Oh! Yeah! Damn you V-V-V-arrrrgh!" Ron proceeded to run around the room, completely out of control. Voldemort rendered him unconscious with a spell neither you nor I have ever heard of and sounds overly-contrived.
"Harry!" shrieked Hermione. "Run! It's you he wants and the world must be saved! I'll hold him off until you get help."
"But I can't leave you or Ron or Sn-my father! Oh daddy, I'm sorry Voldemort loves to torture you so!"
"Do what she says Pot-Harry! I'll be okay. Come tomorrow I'll be carrying Hermione over the threshold of our new-OUCH! This really hurts!"
Completely flustered, Harry threw the pearlescent marble at Voldemort. Naturally, this was just the thing needed to vanquish the evil Dark Lord until the realm of fanfiction conjured him anew. In less than a millisecond it was all over.
"Oh Harry!" cried Hermione, trampling her beloved Snape to get a hug from the Boy-Who-Lived.
Then, Dumbledore and half the school walked in to congratulate Harry and completely disregard everyone else. It was never explained how Voldemort gained access inside the school or why the mysterious room with the Beryl door existed in the first place. But it didn't matter because Dumbledore had been in the know about everything all along, and there was a big nudist wedding for Hermione and Snape, Harry and Ginny, and Malfoy and Ron. They all agreed to swap partners on a weekly basis, and all of this occured before Harry officially graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
~FIN~