Chapter 8
By May, I was getting frustrated with the fact that I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist, Dr. Greenwood. She ordered some blood tests to check my hormone levels, and they all came back normal. Ultimately, she told me what Shawn had been telling me all along, that we need to be patient. She said if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months, then we could order some more invasive tests. She said that though it might be hard, I should try not to focus on getting pregnant, just let nature take its course. Easy for her to say. Her best friend and sister weren't pregnant and talking about babies all the time. On top of that, Mother's Day was coming and the TV was plastered with ads for "what to get Mom to show her you care". Not only was I not a mom, but I couldn't even spend Mother's Day with my mother. One evening, Shawn and I were cuddled up on the couch watching TV when one of those damn Mother's Day commercials came on. I got so angry I shut the TV off and slammed the remote down on the coffee table. "Belle, what's wrong?" questioned Shawn. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I hate Mother's Day! It's a stupid holiday Hallmark made up to sell cards and dumb little trinkets. It's just so obnoxious. It sucks for anyone who isn't a mother or who doesn't have a mother. This year is my first Mother's Day since Marlena died. That's hard in and of itself, but to add to it, I would have been 7 months pregnant if I hadn't lost the baby. I'm surrounded by babies and pregnant women and I'm jealous. I just want Mother's Day to go away. The TV and card stores and e-mail ads are a constant reminder of what's missing in my life. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until May 15th. Can I do that? Call in sick for the next week and hide? Please?" Shawn held me close. "I'm afraid you can't do that. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. Do you want to skip going to the Mother's Day Brunch Sunday? I'll stay home with you and we can eat popcorn and watch movies that have nothing to do with mothers like . . . The Matrix, or something." "No Shawn, I don't want to keep you away from Hope on Mother's Day. I'll deal with it. I just need you to hold my hand through it OK?" Shawn kissed the top of my head, "Absolutely, and who knows, maybe next year, you can enjoy Mother's Day too." "I hope so."
The Mother's Day brunch was not as horrible as I had anticipated. That might have something to do with the large mimosa that Shawn placed in my hand when we got there. I spent the day joined at the hip with my husband. He was my strength. At one point, Hope took me aside and asked, "How are you doing? Today can't be easy for you." I am still amazed at how much Hope cares about everyone, including me. "I've had better days, but Shawn's been just wonderful. He hasn't left my side to go hang out with the guys and leave me alone in baby central." I motioned toward the table where Jenn, Sami and Mimi were. "Most of the time I can handle all the baby talk, but not today." "Well, I think you're doing just fine. Oop, I'd better go rescue Will, Zack has been playing with him all morning and he looks like he's had enough." Hope declared as she headed towards the boys.
By May, I was getting frustrated with the fact that I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist, Dr. Greenwood. She ordered some blood tests to check my hormone levels, and they all came back normal. Ultimately, she told me what Shawn had been telling me all along, that we need to be patient. She said if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months, then we could order some more invasive tests. She said that though it might be hard, I should try not to focus on getting pregnant, just let nature take its course. Easy for her to say. Her best friend and sister weren't pregnant and talking about babies all the time. On top of that, Mother's Day was coming and the TV was plastered with ads for "what to get Mom to show her you care". Not only was I not a mom, but I couldn't even spend Mother's Day with my mother. One evening, Shawn and I were cuddled up on the couch watching TV when one of those damn Mother's Day commercials came on. I got so angry I shut the TV off and slammed the remote down on the coffee table. "Belle, what's wrong?" questioned Shawn. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I hate Mother's Day! It's a stupid holiday Hallmark made up to sell cards and dumb little trinkets. It's just so obnoxious. It sucks for anyone who isn't a mother or who doesn't have a mother. This year is my first Mother's Day since Marlena died. That's hard in and of itself, but to add to it, I would have been 7 months pregnant if I hadn't lost the baby. I'm surrounded by babies and pregnant women and I'm jealous. I just want Mother's Day to go away. The TV and card stores and e-mail ads are a constant reminder of what's missing in my life. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until May 15th. Can I do that? Call in sick for the next week and hide? Please?" Shawn held me close. "I'm afraid you can't do that. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. Do you want to skip going to the Mother's Day Brunch Sunday? I'll stay home with you and we can eat popcorn and watch movies that have nothing to do with mothers like . . . The Matrix, or something." "No Shawn, I don't want to keep you away from Hope on Mother's Day. I'll deal with it. I just need you to hold my hand through it OK?" Shawn kissed the top of my head, "Absolutely, and who knows, maybe next year, you can enjoy Mother's Day too." "I hope so."
The Mother's Day brunch was not as horrible as I had anticipated. That might have something to do with the large mimosa that Shawn placed in my hand when we got there. I spent the day joined at the hip with my husband. He was my strength. At one point, Hope took me aside and asked, "How are you doing? Today can't be easy for you." I am still amazed at how much Hope cares about everyone, including me. "I've had better days, but Shawn's been just wonderful. He hasn't left my side to go hang out with the guys and leave me alone in baby central." I motioned toward the table where Jenn, Sami and Mimi were. "Most of the time I can handle all the baby talk, but not today." "Well, I think you're doing just fine. Oop, I'd better go rescue Will, Zack has been playing with him all morning and he looks like he's had enough." Hope declared as she headed towards the boys.