"Conclusion of the Panty/Stolen Sex Toys Saga"
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
While everyone else was searching and/or screwing throughout Hogwarts, Harry, Hermoine, and Malfoy were having a grand time in the "secret" basement. They had taken art to a higher plane by arranging the panties in perfect replicas of the various crop circles plaguing fields all across Britain. Hermione had just proposed duplicating one of Led Zepplin's album covers with creamy raspberry colored thongs, when a voice disrupted their fun.
"What the hell are you doing with my panties?'
The guilty party turned in the direction of the voice. There, in the doorway, stood Sirius Black, gaping at the impromptu art display. Malfoy tugged a pair of silvery-pink panties off his head to get a better view of the true keeper of the magnificant panty hoarde. Harry couldn't remember being this shocked, even when he'd figured out Dumbledore's true reason for allowing Filch to stay on at Hogwarts.
"Sirius! What are you doing here? You're on the run from the Azkaban dementors and the Ministry of Magic," croaked Harry, lest we forget.
"Well hell, Harry, I'm always popping up either in or around Hogwarts in these stories. Since no one is able to apparate in or out-unless, of course, she is a stunningly exquisite creature with perfect hair and tits like melons-I have to lodge somewhere...when I'm not lodged between Remus's two ass cheeks, anyway."
"Damn it!" Hermione flung her wand onto the floor. "All the good ones are either dead, married, or gay."
"Cheer up, Granger. Snape swings both ways, remember?"
"Oh yeah." Hermione smiled again.
"So...these are your panties," said Harry, trying to puzzle this out.
"Yep." Sirius entered his sanctuary. "Not much, but it keeps me going."
"Not much? Sirius, it's wonderful! You just don't look like the type to collect...well...women's underwear."
Sirius grinned. "Harry, in my third year I earned enough money to buy my motorcycle by renting my collection out to the students, male and female, for their dates." Sirius slowly walked by a few panty cropcircles, arms clasped behind his back. 'These are quite nice. I think the three of you are onto something here."
Meanwhile...
"I can't believe the sexual torture devices just disappeared into thin air!" Ginny frowned as she and the other students carried boxes to some unknown nearby location I don't feel like going into detail about.
McGonagall was busy directing people this way and that to set up their equipment. You are probably wondering what the hell is going on here, but you'll just have to remain confused for much longer that necessary before I disclose exactly what is happening. Anyhow, after several minutes the long corridor began to resemble something like a carnival with its stands and tents.
Ron was practicing his hand job technique when Harry, Hermione, Malfoy, and Sirius came upon the bustle.
"Harry! You're just in time. What are you going to do for the Fair Fundraiser? Oh, hi Sirius!"
"What fair?"
"To raise money for new sexual torture devices. Whoever raises the most money earns 100 points for their House and a years supply of Lockheart's Tickle-Tingly Lubricant!"
"I have dibs on the panty art!" exclaimed Hermione, eyes fierce with determination.
"That's fine," said Malfoy. "I know *exactly* how to earn lots of money." With a mysterious and naughty smirk, he walked off.
"I hate these last minute organized functions, though you'd think by now I'd be used to them," griped Harry. "I need to think." So he took a walk to see what he could see.
Sirius turned to Hermione. "Want help with that panty display? You haven't seen my sequined collection yet, have you?"
Racking his brains for a unique idea, Harry walked along the corridor, drinking in the sights and sounds. You couldn't help but get an excited quiver in your stomach at all the colorful displays. What to do? What to do? Something witty yet pleasurable. Not too difficult...keep it simple... He had a multitude of chocolate from all his hospital stays, trips to Honeydukes, and whatnot. And then it hit him-OF COURSE! How simple and yet how brilliant! Harry turned and rushed towards the Slytherin Common Room.
Dumbledore cleared his throat and stepped upon a small platform he'd magicked up for the occasion.
"Welcome to Hogwarts first ever Fair and Fundraiser extravaganza!"
The long corridor filled with cheers. Everyone was in high spirits with anticipation of the fun!
"Not only will this raise enough money to replace our dearly departed debaucherous devices, but this fundraiser will provide each and every one of you with the hands on experience no amount of lecturing and textbook learning can provide. I know you will all do your best and I look forward to sampling the fruits of your creativity. Now, let the learning begin!"
Everyone rushed to their stations. As this author has neglected to work out how there can possibly be customers if everyone's working at the same time we'll just play it by ear. It's been done plenty of times before. Hell, let's just forego plausibility of the plot and get right to the good stuff.
One of the first set-ups on the right side of the corridor was courtesy of Colin Creevy. Colin would take nude photos of you and a loved one, doing whatever you wanted, for a Galleon a picture. He even had a few accessories like tiaras, boas, stilettos and cigarettes, to add a bit of flirtatious pizzaz.
"Oh yes! That's it. Oh that's the way. Work that ass, mama," directed Colin, oogling over asses, penises, vaginas, and boobies. One Ravenclaw girl was especially imaginative: she promptly bent over and thrust her wand between her ass cheeks. The wand showered gold sequins about her buttocks. Colin was overjoyed with the effect.
Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hannah Abbot were demonstrating some of the finer aspects of the Creeping Lust Vines. Left to their own devices these lust-filled vines would creep up any human orifice, though they seemed to prefer females. Never fear, gentlemen. Justin Finch-Fletchley was selling serum derived from Venemous Tentaculas. Expensive stuff, but a minute amount kept one's member rock hard up to four hours *and* induced multiple orgasms in men.
Pansy Parkinson, sporting a tophat; a coat-and-tails; thigh high boots; a cane, and not much else, stepped onto a small green stage with silver hangings. Directly behind her was a pavilion made of beautiful shimmering black-green fabric.
"Step right up, folks, step right up," she called in a loud clear voice. "The answer to all your sexual desires resides within this erotic temple." She tapped the pavilion with her cane. "Get to know your domineering side and rape the Snape! That's right, rape the Snape-right this way. Make him moan! Make him scream! *You* are the master for five Galleons. Go ahead, treat yourself, treat a friend-rape the Snape right now. Only five Galleons, ladies and gentlemen, and you can see why he really is Head of Slytherin House. Five Galleons!"
Completely Pointless Dream Sequence Courtesy of Seveurs Snape as He is Pretending to be Raped:
Ron burst into the staffroom shrieking,"The Asses! The Asses are calling us!" He lingered long enough to get everyone's attention, then took off.
Minerva McGonagall looked over at Madam Hooch.
"Did that just happen?"
Snape muttered something akin to "Weasley freaks" over his steaming cup of...decarbonated rootbeer?
Filius Flitwick cleared his throat until he had Dumbledore's attentiveness.
"Headmaster," he squeaked, "that's the third time this week. Shouldn't something be done?"
Dumbledore's lineage grew solemn. "Has it ever occurred to any of you that the Asses *are* calling us, but we simply cannot hear them?"
Snape stared at the Headmaster, entirely unimpressed and unbelieving.
"And Weasley can," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"It is probable, Severus," replied Albus calmly.
Snape threw his tea cup across the room and jumped to his feet, black eyes flashing.
"You're only saying that because you favor Gryffindor you...you-horizontal ass crack!"
End Pointless Dream Sequence
Pansy was now doing an odd little dance while chanting, "Rape the Snape! Ride that snake!"
A few booths over Ron was giving 10 Knut hand jobs (Kids In The Hall, anyone?). After awhile he began to wonder if it was just his imagination or if Filch really was showing up time and time again.
Meanwhile, a large group had gathered around Hermione's display. They ooooh'd and aaaah'd as Sirius's panties whirled through the air forming breathtaking geometric designs. Dumbledore remarked that the combination of satin and sequins surpassed any firework display by far. Parvati and Lavender took time out from performing palmistry (in the nude, naturally) and had Sirius sign them up to rent out some of his panties for the New Years Ball Hogwarts decided to have so all underage students can fall in love and shag. It was the busiest time of the year for Professor Snape and Draco Malfoy.
Remus was inspecting the assorted sand dicks Ginny had set up on a rectangular table. He was especially partial to the one Ginny had sculpted while using the Potions Master for a model. Twas Snape who had taught Ginny the craft and Ginny felt she simply must immortalize his penis in sand. She dubbed it her "inspiration piece" and refused to part with it.
"It's a demo and not for sale," Ginny informed Remus.
"I thought you were sore at him over losing the Wheel of Love."
"I am, but that's not his penis' fault, is it?"
Remus furrowed his brow. "Are those *Sirius'* panties you're wearing?"
An argument would have ensued but for a loud, sultry voice that boomed, "Gentlemen and laaaaaadies, it's time for luuuuuuv chocolate!"
Sexy disco music filled the hall and a mirror ball lowered of its own accord as the lights dimmed. Hagrid poked his head out of the rape pavilion.
"Eh? Wot's that?"
Snape crawled under him for a clear view, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. Fang followed suit.
Draco Malfoy, wearing a snakeskin and leather thong and a matching pimp hat with a long purple plume, descended onto the dance floor on a swing made of Sirius's panties. Rapturous screams filled the air and it was impossible to say who was more excited: the students or the professors. Everyone tossed coins of all kinds at the sensual Slytherin as he swung his hips and did the pelvic thrust; the trademark Malfoy dong bouncing along to the beat of the music. Every so often Harry Potter, seen in the background DJ'ing the scene, would growl "luuuuuv chocolate" in a tone that would make Issac Hayes proud.
The grand finale happened when Harry pulled a long cord and luscious melted chocolate poured all over Malfoy's gyrating body. Several people fainted from sheer ectasy, including Professor Flitwick.
Aftermath of the Whole Thing
Ginny Weasley smiled broadly as Colin took a picture of her standing beside a brand new glistening Wheel of Love. The Great Hall had been transformed into a showcase for the new sex toys purchased with the proceeds from the Fornication Fair, as everyone now called it. Since Malfoy and Harry's joint act had easily raked in the most coins the prizes: 100 House points and a years worth of Gilderoy Lockheart's Tickle-Tingly Lubricant, were distributed evenly amongst Slytherin and Gryffindor.
Cocktails in hand, everyone admired the lovely sheen given off by the new spurs and shackles. Standing apart from the rest of the crowd, Severus Snape stood in the corner drinking his martini and frowning. Ginny sashayed over to him, still glowing from standing so close to the new and improved Wheel of Love.
"What's the matter, Professor?" Ginny inquired, only vaguely distracted by Remus making the rounds with a large box of rubbers, shouting, "Condoms for charity! Have a condom for charity!"
"Aren't you pleased about having all new sexual torture devices?"
"Of course I'm pleased," snapped Snape. "I still want to know who made off with the old stash. No one was punished for the crime."
Ginny sighed and rested her head against Snape's chest. "You know we'll never find out. The vital information always pales in sight of the uplifting conclusion where everybody's perfectly happy and in love."
Snape grimaced. "Don't tell me *you're* in love, Miss Weasley!" He gave Ginny a wary look.
"No," Ginny readily replied, "but I do know what'll cheer you up."
"Not the pony," Snape growled. "That's *your* fetish."
"Of course not." Ginny took the icy Potions Master's cold hand. "We're going to play the Wheelbarrow Game."
For once in his wretched existence Severus Snape smiled a genuine smile of happiness.
And so our story comes to a close, dear reader; new sex toys for all and a dazzling party where everyone is scantily clad at his and her best. We take our leave of the pleasant scene with an image of Dumbledore fondly recounting his "first time" to the party goers. In the doorway, a brief image of Severus Snape buck naked in a candy apple red wheelbarrow, his long lanky white legs dangling over the side, holding a decanter of brandy and a glass, joyously sings the theme song to The Smurfs while Ginny Weasley pushes full speed ahead, flits by.
~FIN~
A/N: Next chapter...your guess is good as mine but it'll be a fresh story not involved with Hogwarts School of Perversion. Hey, change is good. I don't own the Smurfs. Woe is I.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
While everyone else was searching and/or screwing throughout Hogwarts, Harry, Hermoine, and Malfoy were having a grand time in the "secret" basement. They had taken art to a higher plane by arranging the panties in perfect replicas of the various crop circles plaguing fields all across Britain. Hermione had just proposed duplicating one of Led Zepplin's album covers with creamy raspberry colored thongs, when a voice disrupted their fun.
"What the hell are you doing with my panties?'
The guilty party turned in the direction of the voice. There, in the doorway, stood Sirius Black, gaping at the impromptu art display. Malfoy tugged a pair of silvery-pink panties off his head to get a better view of the true keeper of the magnificant panty hoarde. Harry couldn't remember being this shocked, even when he'd figured out Dumbledore's true reason for allowing Filch to stay on at Hogwarts.
"Sirius! What are you doing here? You're on the run from the Azkaban dementors and the Ministry of Magic," croaked Harry, lest we forget.
"Well hell, Harry, I'm always popping up either in or around Hogwarts in these stories. Since no one is able to apparate in or out-unless, of course, she is a stunningly exquisite creature with perfect hair and tits like melons-I have to lodge somewhere...when I'm not lodged between Remus's two ass cheeks, anyway."
"Damn it!" Hermione flung her wand onto the floor. "All the good ones are either dead, married, or gay."
"Cheer up, Granger. Snape swings both ways, remember?"
"Oh yeah." Hermione smiled again.
"So...these are your panties," said Harry, trying to puzzle this out.
"Yep." Sirius entered his sanctuary. "Not much, but it keeps me going."
"Not much? Sirius, it's wonderful! You just don't look like the type to collect...well...women's underwear."
Sirius grinned. "Harry, in my third year I earned enough money to buy my motorcycle by renting my collection out to the students, male and female, for their dates." Sirius slowly walked by a few panty cropcircles, arms clasped behind his back. 'These are quite nice. I think the three of you are onto something here."
Meanwhile...
"I can't believe the sexual torture devices just disappeared into thin air!" Ginny frowned as she and the other students carried boxes to some unknown nearby location I don't feel like going into detail about.
McGonagall was busy directing people this way and that to set up their equipment. You are probably wondering what the hell is going on here, but you'll just have to remain confused for much longer that necessary before I disclose exactly what is happening. Anyhow, after several minutes the long corridor began to resemble something like a carnival with its stands and tents.
Ron was practicing his hand job technique when Harry, Hermione, Malfoy, and Sirius came upon the bustle.
"Harry! You're just in time. What are you going to do for the Fair Fundraiser? Oh, hi Sirius!"
"What fair?"
"To raise money for new sexual torture devices. Whoever raises the most money earns 100 points for their House and a years supply of Lockheart's Tickle-Tingly Lubricant!"
"I have dibs on the panty art!" exclaimed Hermione, eyes fierce with determination.
"That's fine," said Malfoy. "I know *exactly* how to earn lots of money." With a mysterious and naughty smirk, he walked off.
"I hate these last minute organized functions, though you'd think by now I'd be used to them," griped Harry. "I need to think." So he took a walk to see what he could see.
Sirius turned to Hermione. "Want help with that panty display? You haven't seen my sequined collection yet, have you?"
Racking his brains for a unique idea, Harry walked along the corridor, drinking in the sights and sounds. You couldn't help but get an excited quiver in your stomach at all the colorful displays. What to do? What to do? Something witty yet pleasurable. Not too difficult...keep it simple... He had a multitude of chocolate from all his hospital stays, trips to Honeydukes, and whatnot. And then it hit him-OF COURSE! How simple and yet how brilliant! Harry turned and rushed towards the Slytherin Common Room.
Dumbledore cleared his throat and stepped upon a small platform he'd magicked up for the occasion.
"Welcome to Hogwarts first ever Fair and Fundraiser extravaganza!"
The long corridor filled with cheers. Everyone was in high spirits with anticipation of the fun!
"Not only will this raise enough money to replace our dearly departed debaucherous devices, but this fundraiser will provide each and every one of you with the hands on experience no amount of lecturing and textbook learning can provide. I know you will all do your best and I look forward to sampling the fruits of your creativity. Now, let the learning begin!"
Everyone rushed to their stations. As this author has neglected to work out how there can possibly be customers if everyone's working at the same time we'll just play it by ear. It's been done plenty of times before. Hell, let's just forego plausibility of the plot and get right to the good stuff.
One of the first set-ups on the right side of the corridor was courtesy of Colin Creevy. Colin would take nude photos of you and a loved one, doing whatever you wanted, for a Galleon a picture. He even had a few accessories like tiaras, boas, stilettos and cigarettes, to add a bit of flirtatious pizzaz.
"Oh yes! That's it. Oh that's the way. Work that ass, mama," directed Colin, oogling over asses, penises, vaginas, and boobies. One Ravenclaw girl was especially imaginative: she promptly bent over and thrust her wand between her ass cheeks. The wand showered gold sequins about her buttocks. Colin was overjoyed with the effect.
Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hannah Abbot were demonstrating some of the finer aspects of the Creeping Lust Vines. Left to their own devices these lust-filled vines would creep up any human orifice, though they seemed to prefer females. Never fear, gentlemen. Justin Finch-Fletchley was selling serum derived from Venemous Tentaculas. Expensive stuff, but a minute amount kept one's member rock hard up to four hours *and* induced multiple orgasms in men.
Pansy Parkinson, sporting a tophat; a coat-and-tails; thigh high boots; a cane, and not much else, stepped onto a small green stage with silver hangings. Directly behind her was a pavilion made of beautiful shimmering black-green fabric.
"Step right up, folks, step right up," she called in a loud clear voice. "The answer to all your sexual desires resides within this erotic temple." She tapped the pavilion with her cane. "Get to know your domineering side and rape the Snape! That's right, rape the Snape-right this way. Make him moan! Make him scream! *You* are the master for five Galleons. Go ahead, treat yourself, treat a friend-rape the Snape right now. Only five Galleons, ladies and gentlemen, and you can see why he really is Head of Slytherin House. Five Galleons!"
Completely Pointless Dream Sequence Courtesy of Seveurs Snape as He is Pretending to be Raped:
Ron burst into the staffroom shrieking,"The Asses! The Asses are calling us!" He lingered long enough to get everyone's attention, then took off.
Minerva McGonagall looked over at Madam Hooch.
"Did that just happen?"
Snape muttered something akin to "Weasley freaks" over his steaming cup of...decarbonated rootbeer?
Filius Flitwick cleared his throat until he had Dumbledore's attentiveness.
"Headmaster," he squeaked, "that's the third time this week. Shouldn't something be done?"
Dumbledore's lineage grew solemn. "Has it ever occurred to any of you that the Asses *are* calling us, but we simply cannot hear them?"
Snape stared at the Headmaster, entirely unimpressed and unbelieving.
"And Weasley can," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"It is probable, Severus," replied Albus calmly.
Snape threw his tea cup across the room and jumped to his feet, black eyes flashing.
"You're only saying that because you favor Gryffindor you...you-horizontal ass crack!"
End Pointless Dream Sequence
Pansy was now doing an odd little dance while chanting, "Rape the Snape! Ride that snake!"
A few booths over Ron was giving 10 Knut hand jobs (Kids In The Hall, anyone?). After awhile he began to wonder if it was just his imagination or if Filch really was showing up time and time again.
Meanwhile, a large group had gathered around Hermione's display. They ooooh'd and aaaah'd as Sirius's panties whirled through the air forming breathtaking geometric designs. Dumbledore remarked that the combination of satin and sequins surpassed any firework display by far. Parvati and Lavender took time out from performing palmistry (in the nude, naturally) and had Sirius sign them up to rent out some of his panties for the New Years Ball Hogwarts decided to have so all underage students can fall in love and shag. It was the busiest time of the year for Professor Snape and Draco Malfoy.
Remus was inspecting the assorted sand dicks Ginny had set up on a rectangular table. He was especially partial to the one Ginny had sculpted while using the Potions Master for a model. Twas Snape who had taught Ginny the craft and Ginny felt she simply must immortalize his penis in sand. She dubbed it her "inspiration piece" and refused to part with it.
"It's a demo and not for sale," Ginny informed Remus.
"I thought you were sore at him over losing the Wheel of Love."
"I am, but that's not his penis' fault, is it?"
Remus furrowed his brow. "Are those *Sirius'* panties you're wearing?"
An argument would have ensued but for a loud, sultry voice that boomed, "Gentlemen and laaaaaadies, it's time for luuuuuuv chocolate!"
Sexy disco music filled the hall and a mirror ball lowered of its own accord as the lights dimmed. Hagrid poked his head out of the rape pavilion.
"Eh? Wot's that?"
Snape crawled under him for a clear view, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. Fang followed suit.
Draco Malfoy, wearing a snakeskin and leather thong and a matching pimp hat with a long purple plume, descended onto the dance floor on a swing made of Sirius's panties. Rapturous screams filled the air and it was impossible to say who was more excited: the students or the professors. Everyone tossed coins of all kinds at the sensual Slytherin as he swung his hips and did the pelvic thrust; the trademark Malfoy dong bouncing along to the beat of the music. Every so often Harry Potter, seen in the background DJ'ing the scene, would growl "luuuuuv chocolate" in a tone that would make Issac Hayes proud.
The grand finale happened when Harry pulled a long cord and luscious melted chocolate poured all over Malfoy's gyrating body. Several people fainted from sheer ectasy, including Professor Flitwick.
Aftermath of the Whole Thing
Ginny Weasley smiled broadly as Colin took a picture of her standing beside a brand new glistening Wheel of Love. The Great Hall had been transformed into a showcase for the new sex toys purchased with the proceeds from the Fornication Fair, as everyone now called it. Since Malfoy and Harry's joint act had easily raked in the most coins the prizes: 100 House points and a years worth of Gilderoy Lockheart's Tickle-Tingly Lubricant, were distributed evenly amongst Slytherin and Gryffindor.
Cocktails in hand, everyone admired the lovely sheen given off by the new spurs and shackles. Standing apart from the rest of the crowd, Severus Snape stood in the corner drinking his martini and frowning. Ginny sashayed over to him, still glowing from standing so close to the new and improved Wheel of Love.
"What's the matter, Professor?" Ginny inquired, only vaguely distracted by Remus making the rounds with a large box of rubbers, shouting, "Condoms for charity! Have a condom for charity!"
"Aren't you pleased about having all new sexual torture devices?"
"Of course I'm pleased," snapped Snape. "I still want to know who made off with the old stash. No one was punished for the crime."
Ginny sighed and rested her head against Snape's chest. "You know we'll never find out. The vital information always pales in sight of the uplifting conclusion where everybody's perfectly happy and in love."
Snape grimaced. "Don't tell me *you're* in love, Miss Weasley!" He gave Ginny a wary look.
"No," Ginny readily replied, "but I do know what'll cheer you up."
"Not the pony," Snape growled. "That's *your* fetish."
"Of course not." Ginny took the icy Potions Master's cold hand. "We're going to play the Wheelbarrow Game."
For once in his wretched existence Severus Snape smiled a genuine smile of happiness.
And so our story comes to a close, dear reader; new sex toys for all and a dazzling party where everyone is scantily clad at his and her best. We take our leave of the pleasant scene with an image of Dumbledore fondly recounting his "first time" to the party goers. In the doorway, a brief image of Severus Snape buck naked in a candy apple red wheelbarrow, his long lanky white legs dangling over the side, holding a decanter of brandy and a glass, joyously sings the theme song to The Smurfs while Ginny Weasley pushes full speed ahead, flits by.
~FIN~
A/N: Next chapter...your guess is good as mine but it'll be a fresh story not involved with Hogwarts School of Perversion. Hey, change is good. I don't own the Smurfs. Woe is I.