Title: Snape's Moment of Angst
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
One evening at dinner, Snape set down his goblet and stood up to make an announcement.
"Everyone," he called out. "Everyone shut up and listen to me!"
Soon as the room was quiet, Snape continued: "I'm going to kill myself," he announced casually and sat back down.
"Are you going to wait until we finish our dessert?"
"Of course, Mr. Malfoy. Allow me to explain: Due to the constant turmoil of leading a double life I shall have a complete mental breakdown at around-oh-midnight or so. After reliving all the horrible things I've done, and realizing that my health isn't what it used to be due to Voldemort's liberal use of the Cruciatus curse, I shall decide to end my pathetic life in a very slow and painful manner. Someone had best lock up Miss Granger so she won't find me on the brink of death in a corridor or at the edge of the Forbidden Forest."
Both Ron and Harry brightened.
"Kick ass! No test on Monday!"
"You are mistaken, Weasley. Despite my being past caring about anyone or anything, the test will be right on schedule. McGonagall, or Sprout, or Madam Pomfrey will administer the test, which I have taken care to seal with a waterproofing spell due to Miss Granger's, Miss Weasley's, Potter's, and God only knows who else's boo-hooing."
Albus Dumbledore heaved a gusty sigh. "I suppose I will never be able to forgive myself for not forcing you to tell me why you look so depressed. Oh the things I never see coming because I am too busy doing Fudge's job for him. I'd best tell Dobby to wash and press my funeral attire, as I will be performing the ceremony."
Snape bit into a buttered roll before continuing. "Not necessarily, Headmaster. With Quantam Physics on her side, Miss Granger will inevitably stumble onto me. I think the fact she has been made Head Girl plays into this whole scenario. Anyway, whilst I am coughing out my last breath, you and Poppy pop up in the nick of time, courtesy of the plothole. You might want to bring a pack of cards because I will somehow manage to give a long, detailed account of my current state, despite my current state. Of course, all this will undoubtedly baffle Miss Granger, but she's smart so she'll figure it out."
"What will you be wearing, Professor?" inquired Hermione with a naughty grin.
"Miss Granger, I am surprised at you! The only redeeming quality of the entire situation will be myself clothed in my usual black attire, instead of my underwear or," Snape shuddered, "nudity."
"So you won't be raped?"
"No, Longbottom."
"How are you going to attempt suicide," inquired Cho Chang.
Snape looked remarkably thoughtful. "I haven't yet decided. Poison is the logical choice, but a knife sounds rather dramatic, don't you think?"
"Don't you dare bleed on my freshly mopped floor," growled Filch, stepping forward.
"We must all make allowances for Snape's mental breakdown, Argus," said Dumbledore calmly.
Ron frowned. "If you want so much attention, why not do something positive?"
Snape gave Ron one of his infamous superior expressions. "Now that wouldn't be any fun, would it, Weasley?"
"Am I the only one who sees how pathetically warped this is?"
"Quit overreacting, Ron," snapped Hermione, suddenly checking her hair in a mirror compact.
"After I am magicked to the infirmary, I will undergo an excruciatingly long and unnecessary surgery. For three weeks, I will be fighting for my life while the Headmaster and Madam Pomfrey will be helpless to ease my suffering. In my state of delirium. I will believe Miss Granger, who has visited me in secret the entire time, to be my lost love who left me when I joined the Death Eaters, and I was later forced to murder. This will strike a powerful chord deep within Miss Granger, and she'll begin to like me.
"During my horrendous struggle to find a reason to go on, while cursing my ineptness at suicide, Miss Granger and myself will fall madly in love. Potter and Mr. Malfoy will do likewise."
"Let me guess," Ron sounded bored, "an orgy will commence late one night in the infirmery, even though you should be sleeping in your own room by the time the orgy happens."
McGonagall beamed at Ron and awarded Gryffindor with 50 points.
"I guess I should practice keeping my mouth shut and looking scared for the next six months," sighed Draco.
"Buck up, Malfoy. There's the orgy to look forward to, don't forget."
"Potter, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to look scared and helpless-like I'm out of sorts because my father sexually abuses me and I'm afraid to tell anyone?"
"Well, pretend you're madly in love with Hermione, and are horrified of your father finding out. That at least eliminates the sodomy factor."
Draco sighed. "Sir, can't you resort to some other dramatic display of angst? Have you considered catatonia?"
Snape snorted. "How boring do you think I am, Mr. Malfoy?"
"Well...piss off Voldemort so that he disfigures you in some way. Granger's a sucker for wounded potions masters-especially if your eyes are gouged out-"
"Or you're gang banged by the Death Eaters, and forced to run a gauntlet."
"Longbottom, you are a pervert."
"Madam Pomfrey, may I help undress Snape for the prolonged and unnecessary operation?"
"Certainly not, Miss Granger! That shall be Ginny Weasley's job!"
Ginny Weasley blushed as vividly as her red hair upon hearing this. Both Hermione and Ron frowned at her.
"You've seen Snape naked lots of times, Hermione," insisted Ginny.
Snape smirked. "Madam Pomfrey said nothing about you 'looking', Miss Weasley."
"Dammit!" With a huff, Ginny sat back down and sulked.
Snape shook his head. "Anyway, after all is said and done, Miss Granger and myself will announce our engagement."
"Well then," exclaimed Dumbledore, clapping his hands, "I'd best tell Dobby to wash and press my wedding attire!"
Filch frowned. "You won't be throwing rice and birdseed onto my clean floors!"
"Now, now, Argus, it's a joyous occassion that calls for festive littering. Miss Granger will be throwing away her promising future for our misunderstood Potions Master. There will be plenty of Ogdens Fire Whiskey for all."
"Hot dog!" roared Hagrid, making his first and only entrance within the story.
Ron glowered. "So who the hell do I end up with since Snape bagged my best girl?"
"He bagged your only girl, Weasley."
"Oh go curl up in a fetal position on your bed for the next nine months, Malfoy."
"Well, you can't have Potter. He's mine."
Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh hell with it already! I'll shag Fred and George until I work out something. Ginny, you have your pick between Colin and Neville."
Ginny only scowled down at her mashed potatoes, still upset over the hospital arrangement.
"Miss Weasley, you will have to wait until the orgy to see me naked. Now quit sulking or you'll end up with Filch."
"Will Filch be at the orgy as well?"
"Naturally, Longbottom."
Ron sank in his chair and groaned, "It's going to be a hell of a long year."
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
One evening at dinner, Snape set down his goblet and stood up to make an announcement.
"Everyone," he called out. "Everyone shut up and listen to me!"
Soon as the room was quiet, Snape continued: "I'm going to kill myself," he announced casually and sat back down.
"Are you going to wait until we finish our dessert?"
"Of course, Mr. Malfoy. Allow me to explain: Due to the constant turmoil of leading a double life I shall have a complete mental breakdown at around-oh-midnight or so. After reliving all the horrible things I've done, and realizing that my health isn't what it used to be due to Voldemort's liberal use of the Cruciatus curse, I shall decide to end my pathetic life in a very slow and painful manner. Someone had best lock up Miss Granger so she won't find me on the brink of death in a corridor or at the edge of the Forbidden Forest."
Both Ron and Harry brightened.
"Kick ass! No test on Monday!"
"You are mistaken, Weasley. Despite my being past caring about anyone or anything, the test will be right on schedule. McGonagall, or Sprout, or Madam Pomfrey will administer the test, which I have taken care to seal with a waterproofing spell due to Miss Granger's, Miss Weasley's, Potter's, and God only knows who else's boo-hooing."
Albus Dumbledore heaved a gusty sigh. "I suppose I will never be able to forgive myself for not forcing you to tell me why you look so depressed. Oh the things I never see coming because I am too busy doing Fudge's job for him. I'd best tell Dobby to wash and press my funeral attire, as I will be performing the ceremony."
Snape bit into a buttered roll before continuing. "Not necessarily, Headmaster. With Quantam Physics on her side, Miss Granger will inevitably stumble onto me. I think the fact she has been made Head Girl plays into this whole scenario. Anyway, whilst I am coughing out my last breath, you and Poppy pop up in the nick of time, courtesy of the plothole. You might want to bring a pack of cards because I will somehow manage to give a long, detailed account of my current state, despite my current state. Of course, all this will undoubtedly baffle Miss Granger, but she's smart so she'll figure it out."
"What will you be wearing, Professor?" inquired Hermione with a naughty grin.
"Miss Granger, I am surprised at you! The only redeeming quality of the entire situation will be myself clothed in my usual black attire, instead of my underwear or," Snape shuddered, "nudity."
"So you won't be raped?"
"No, Longbottom."
"How are you going to attempt suicide," inquired Cho Chang.
Snape looked remarkably thoughtful. "I haven't yet decided. Poison is the logical choice, but a knife sounds rather dramatic, don't you think?"
"Don't you dare bleed on my freshly mopped floor," growled Filch, stepping forward.
"We must all make allowances for Snape's mental breakdown, Argus," said Dumbledore calmly.
Ron frowned. "If you want so much attention, why not do something positive?"
Snape gave Ron one of his infamous superior expressions. "Now that wouldn't be any fun, would it, Weasley?"
"Am I the only one who sees how pathetically warped this is?"
"Quit overreacting, Ron," snapped Hermione, suddenly checking her hair in a mirror compact.
"After I am magicked to the infirmary, I will undergo an excruciatingly long and unnecessary surgery. For three weeks, I will be fighting for my life while the Headmaster and Madam Pomfrey will be helpless to ease my suffering. In my state of delirium. I will believe Miss Granger, who has visited me in secret the entire time, to be my lost love who left me when I joined the Death Eaters, and I was later forced to murder. This will strike a powerful chord deep within Miss Granger, and she'll begin to like me.
"During my horrendous struggle to find a reason to go on, while cursing my ineptness at suicide, Miss Granger and myself will fall madly in love. Potter and Mr. Malfoy will do likewise."
"Let me guess," Ron sounded bored, "an orgy will commence late one night in the infirmery, even though you should be sleeping in your own room by the time the orgy happens."
McGonagall beamed at Ron and awarded Gryffindor with 50 points.
"I guess I should practice keeping my mouth shut and looking scared for the next six months," sighed Draco.
"Buck up, Malfoy. There's the orgy to look forward to, don't forget."
"Potter, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to look scared and helpless-like I'm out of sorts because my father sexually abuses me and I'm afraid to tell anyone?"
"Well, pretend you're madly in love with Hermione, and are horrified of your father finding out. That at least eliminates the sodomy factor."
Draco sighed. "Sir, can't you resort to some other dramatic display of angst? Have you considered catatonia?"
Snape snorted. "How boring do you think I am, Mr. Malfoy?"
"Well...piss off Voldemort so that he disfigures you in some way. Granger's a sucker for wounded potions masters-especially if your eyes are gouged out-"
"Or you're gang banged by the Death Eaters, and forced to run a gauntlet."
"Longbottom, you are a pervert."
"Madam Pomfrey, may I help undress Snape for the prolonged and unnecessary operation?"
"Certainly not, Miss Granger! That shall be Ginny Weasley's job!"
Ginny Weasley blushed as vividly as her red hair upon hearing this. Both Hermione and Ron frowned at her.
"You've seen Snape naked lots of times, Hermione," insisted Ginny.
Snape smirked. "Madam Pomfrey said nothing about you 'looking', Miss Weasley."
"Dammit!" With a huff, Ginny sat back down and sulked.
Snape shook his head. "Anyway, after all is said and done, Miss Granger and myself will announce our engagement."
"Well then," exclaimed Dumbledore, clapping his hands, "I'd best tell Dobby to wash and press my wedding attire!"
Filch frowned. "You won't be throwing rice and birdseed onto my clean floors!"
"Now, now, Argus, it's a joyous occassion that calls for festive littering. Miss Granger will be throwing away her promising future for our misunderstood Potions Master. There will be plenty of Ogdens Fire Whiskey for all."
"Hot dog!" roared Hagrid, making his first and only entrance within the story.
Ron glowered. "So who the hell do I end up with since Snape bagged my best girl?"
"He bagged your only girl, Weasley."
"Oh go curl up in a fetal position on your bed for the next nine months, Malfoy."
"Well, you can't have Potter. He's mine."
Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh hell with it already! I'll shag Fred and George until I work out something. Ginny, you have your pick between Colin and Neville."
Ginny only scowled down at her mashed potatoes, still upset over the hospital arrangement.
"Miss Weasley, you will have to wait until the orgy to see me naked. Now quit sulking or you'll end up with Filch."
"Will Filch be at the orgy as well?"
"Naturally, Longbottom."
Ron sank in his chair and groaned, "It's going to be a hell of a long year."
~FIN~