The Worst Songfic of Them All
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
Hermione ran into the Great Hall sobbing her eyes out.
"Whatever is the matter, Hermione," inquired Harry.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! My parents have conveniently died, so I am now parentless at the height of my budding sexuality!"
"Aw, that's alright," said Ron. "You can come and live with me. My parents won't mind-what's another mouth to feed, right? Just think, Hermione, we'll shag every night."
Harry looked confused. "Isn't Snape supposed to take her under his billowing black wing, and ultimately coerce her into having sexual intercourse with him?"
"I think she just lives at Hogwarts until she graduates...right?" Added Seamus.
"Oh honestly," flared Hermione. "I *have* other relatives I can live with, but this is just heartbreaking for me. I shall never be as I once was. Life is so confusing. I am no longer a child, but not yet a woman." Hermione sighs and dramatically draws her hand across her eyes.
Isn't life so funny?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Now I'll tell a story...
La! La! La! La! La!
Snape looked up from carving his roast mutton. "Where the devil is that annoying voice coming from?"
"There's too much teenage angst going on for me to handle," shrieked Hermione. "I hate the world!"
Stop the world, I wanna get off!
Screaming won't do you any good.
Especially when Snape's trying to eat his dinner.
This doesn't rhyme, but that doesn't matter.
Hey, that rhymed.
Oh yeah-doens't life suck?
Ron rushed over to Hermione and took her in his arms. "Hermione...I love you!"
"Oh Ron! You are my eternal soulmate!"
Ron got down on one knee. "Will you marry me and bear my children?"
Harry choked on his cornbread. "What the fuck is going on here? You're not even mentally capable of rationalising the true concept of marriage, let alone-."
True luuuuuuuuuuuuv!
Raphsody of dreeeaaaaaaams!
Crickets are nice, aren't they?
Listen to the treeeeeeeees!
Chewing his roast mutton, Snape glared up at the enchanted ceiling, where the enchanted voice appeared to be coming from.
"Oooooh, this is sooooooo romantic," breathed all girls between the ages of 10 and 17."
"WAIT," shouted a voice stricken with the very depths of emotion. Draco Malfoy was on his feet, his face betraying the inner conflict within him. "Harry...I-I-I LOVE YOU! I don't want to be a mean old Slytherin any longer! I-I want to dance, and pet furry animals, and wear pretty things! My daddy *rapes* me," he proclaimed before bursting into tears.
Torn, twisted, tortured!
AGONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The black cloth of my mind
is ripped like a vintage gunnysack!
Death! Die! Dead! Yeah!
Snape hurriedly swallowed his roast mutton with a large swig of pumpkin juice, and bared his uneven teeth at the enchanted ceiling. "Will you shut up?"
Anger! Rage! Torture!
The story of our liiiiiiives!
Malfoy's upset! So's Snape!
Let's rob an ice cream truck!
Show society who we *really* are!
Draco blinked back tears while insisting he wasn't angry at the moment, just mentally scarred for life.
"Having sex with Potter is the only thing that will make it all better!"
Harry seriously doubted he was on planet Earth at this point.
"Are you all listening to yourselves? This is madness! I'm the only one with the right to bitch about my life."
No paper mache sunshine for me, baby.
The toilet's all crumbled to hell.
Donkeys are bellowing at me.
Why won't they leave me alone?
Draco completely lost it, and ran over to comfort Harry, who was too dazed to protest. Somehow, Draco's special Malfoy touch worked its electric magic, and Harry suddenly felt aroused. The more he thought about it, the more Harry realized he wanted to feel Draco inside of him. Hormones completely drowned out his feelings of sorrow and loss. Hey, this happens a lot at Hogwarts, don't ya know? Harry Potter felt the overwhelming urge to...SHAG!
Ass smackies! Ass smackies, oh yeah!
Stomp a Christmas Tree and get on down!
Fire! Fire! Run! Now!
This is complete nonsense, but so are all song lyrics inserted into fanfiction for the sake of-.
*record skips*
Snape has discovered the true source of the unbelievably irritating music and acts accordingly. He seizes the record and smashes it to bits, whereupon he proceeds to stamp on the pieces while yelling, "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water! We don't need-!"
"Severus, do control your rage," interjected Dumbledore.
Snape ceases all stamping and stands there, breathing hard. Fortunately, his angry reaction has very positive results: everyone stops behaving like morons from outer space, and more like students.
Draco began taunting Neville. Hermione picked up her Arithmancy book and began to read. Ron and Harry discussed the upcoming Quidditch game. Yes, all was well until Dumbledore arose and announced the upcoming talent show. But that's another story.
~FIN~
A/N: I make no apologies for the sudden change of verb tense. Yes, I sort of took from a certain scene out of the movie Mystery Men. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. At any rate, I don't own the lyrics to "the roof is on fire" song, and, no, I don't know the name of the band who does. Nor do I care.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
Hermione ran into the Great Hall sobbing her eyes out.
"Whatever is the matter, Hermione," inquired Harry.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! My parents have conveniently died, so I am now parentless at the height of my budding sexuality!"
"Aw, that's alright," said Ron. "You can come and live with me. My parents won't mind-what's another mouth to feed, right? Just think, Hermione, we'll shag every night."
Harry looked confused. "Isn't Snape supposed to take her under his billowing black wing, and ultimately coerce her into having sexual intercourse with him?"
"I think she just lives at Hogwarts until she graduates...right?" Added Seamus.
"Oh honestly," flared Hermione. "I *have* other relatives I can live with, but this is just heartbreaking for me. I shall never be as I once was. Life is so confusing. I am no longer a child, but not yet a woman." Hermione sighs and dramatically draws her hand across her eyes.
Isn't life so funny?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Now I'll tell a story...
La! La! La! La! La!
Snape looked up from carving his roast mutton. "Where the devil is that annoying voice coming from?"
"There's too much teenage angst going on for me to handle," shrieked Hermione. "I hate the world!"
Stop the world, I wanna get off!
Screaming won't do you any good.
Especially when Snape's trying to eat his dinner.
This doesn't rhyme, but that doesn't matter.
Hey, that rhymed.
Oh yeah-doens't life suck?
Ron rushed over to Hermione and took her in his arms. "Hermione...I love you!"
"Oh Ron! You are my eternal soulmate!"
Ron got down on one knee. "Will you marry me and bear my children?"
Harry choked on his cornbread. "What the fuck is going on here? You're not even mentally capable of rationalising the true concept of marriage, let alone-."
True luuuuuuuuuuuuv!
Raphsody of dreeeaaaaaaams!
Crickets are nice, aren't they?
Listen to the treeeeeeeees!
Chewing his roast mutton, Snape glared up at the enchanted ceiling, where the enchanted voice appeared to be coming from.
"Oooooh, this is sooooooo romantic," breathed all girls between the ages of 10 and 17."
"WAIT," shouted a voice stricken with the very depths of emotion. Draco Malfoy was on his feet, his face betraying the inner conflict within him. "Harry...I-I-I LOVE YOU! I don't want to be a mean old Slytherin any longer! I-I want to dance, and pet furry animals, and wear pretty things! My daddy *rapes* me," he proclaimed before bursting into tears.
Torn, twisted, tortured!
AGONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The black cloth of my mind
is ripped like a vintage gunnysack!
Death! Die! Dead! Yeah!
Snape hurriedly swallowed his roast mutton with a large swig of pumpkin juice, and bared his uneven teeth at the enchanted ceiling. "Will you shut up?"
Anger! Rage! Torture!
The story of our liiiiiiives!
Malfoy's upset! So's Snape!
Let's rob an ice cream truck!
Show society who we *really* are!
Draco blinked back tears while insisting he wasn't angry at the moment, just mentally scarred for life.
"Having sex with Potter is the only thing that will make it all better!"
Harry seriously doubted he was on planet Earth at this point.
"Are you all listening to yourselves? This is madness! I'm the only one with the right to bitch about my life."
No paper mache sunshine for me, baby.
The toilet's all crumbled to hell.
Donkeys are bellowing at me.
Why won't they leave me alone?
Draco completely lost it, and ran over to comfort Harry, who was too dazed to protest. Somehow, Draco's special Malfoy touch worked its electric magic, and Harry suddenly felt aroused. The more he thought about it, the more Harry realized he wanted to feel Draco inside of him. Hormones completely drowned out his feelings of sorrow and loss. Hey, this happens a lot at Hogwarts, don't ya know? Harry Potter felt the overwhelming urge to...SHAG!
Ass smackies! Ass smackies, oh yeah!
Stomp a Christmas Tree and get on down!
Fire! Fire! Run! Now!
This is complete nonsense, but so are all song lyrics inserted into fanfiction for the sake of-.
*record skips*
Snape has discovered the true source of the unbelievably irritating music and acts accordingly. He seizes the record and smashes it to bits, whereupon he proceeds to stamp on the pieces while yelling, "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water! We don't need-!"
"Severus, do control your rage," interjected Dumbledore.
Snape ceases all stamping and stands there, breathing hard. Fortunately, his angry reaction has very positive results: everyone stops behaving like morons from outer space, and more like students.
Draco began taunting Neville. Hermione picked up her Arithmancy book and began to read. Ron and Harry discussed the upcoming Quidditch game. Yes, all was well until Dumbledore arose and announced the upcoming talent show. But that's another story.
~FIN~
A/N: I make no apologies for the sudden change of verb tense. Yes, I sort of took from a certain scene out of the movie Mystery Men. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. At any rate, I don't own the lyrics to "the roof is on fire" song, and, no, I don't know the name of the band who does. Nor do I care.