"Films and Fornication"
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all so check with her.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Miss Weasley!"
"What the hell for?"
"For helping Christy Underall with her potion."
"Who's Christy Underall?"
"I don't know! I made it up because God doesn't like you, and down in these dungeons, I am the closest thing to God there is!"
"And a greasy one at that," muttered a brave Gryffindor.
Snape continued to slither about the room while Ginny Weasley fumed. How dare Snape be so unfair to her! He did the same damn thing to Hermione whenever she helped Neville. Professor Snape must be a sexist! I suppose what happens next is inevitable. Ginny Weasley slammed down her vial and glared up at Snape. Then, in front of everyone, she told him off! What a red hot little badass she was! Naturally, everyone was shocked at Ginny's outburst. Fortunately, Snape had grown quite used to cute little girls screaming at him in public about his unsavory attitude.
"Detention, Miss Weasley! See me after class. Alright, who's the smart ass who stuffed Creevey into his cauldron?"
Using Colin as a plot device, the author has cleverly made the rest of potions class zoom by as everyone tried to help Colin out of his cauldron. Nervous, but still defiant, Ginny stayed after class to await her inevitably steamy fate. Now that's suspense for ya! I just can't wait to see what happens next! It's such a *mystery*!
Snape glared down at Ginny in a sexy Gothlike fashion that the youngest Weasley couldn't help but notice. But wait-that couldn't be right because Ginny hates Snape. He is a mean bastard. Yeah.
"If you ever talk to me that way again, Miss Weasley, blah, blah, blah. Your turn."
Ginny clenched her fists and began, "You're a sleezy, unfair, cruel man with an utter contempt for your fellow man! You ought to be forced to go to charm school! I'm bad ass Ginny Weasley, and don't you forget it, mister!"
Young Ginny looked astonishingly beautiful when angry. This must be love, but Snape couldn't dare show it. Not yet. No, there needed to be another 20 chapters of bickering and borderline groping before the two give into their passion.
Snape sighed. How he loathed these OOC romances.
"Oh, Ginny, do not yell at me for I am lonely. I am so very lonely. I love you," he said, monotone.
Because Ginny was a sultry, naughty, fiery, good-looking young girl with a killer body and nice boobies, she lifted her skirt and shows Snape the tattoo of Satan's bookend on her tight ass. Snape drooled. After all, he *did* like the lecherous, horny older man bit. Not to be outdone, he shows young Ginny his impressive package and lights a cigarette. Ginny grinned. Then, Ron walks in and ruins everything.
"You pervert," Ron yelled at the Potions Master. "What are you doing to my little sister?" Ron seized Ginny's hand and led her out of the dungeon.
Now that the opposing force has been introduced into the story, Professor Severus Snape sprawls onto his desk where he proceeds to eat cornchips and masturbate.
"Uh...professor, can I get some help here?" calls Colin from his cauldron.
In Headmaster Dumbledore's office, Dumbledore is chain smoking and watching pornos with Harry when Ron barges in.
"Do you know what Snape just did? He-hey! Is that 'Behind the Green Door'?"
"Yes," reply both Harry and Dumbledore.
Ron pulls up a chair and proceeds to critique the porno on a pad.
"I like 'Deep Throat better'," says Harry.
Meanwhile, Draco has discovered the joys of incest. He's smart enough to realize just how sexy he and Lucius must look while doing the nasty. Better still, Lucius sneaks into Draco's dorm once a week because he "loves" Draco. Due to Lucius Malfoy's traumatic childhood, he needs this twisted form of release. Indeed, poor Lucius' only happy childhood memory is going to Captain D's seafood restaurant, and reaching into the cardboard treasure box for a sucker. That and the chocolate cake. Captain D's had the best chocolate cake. Enough digression. To symbolize their everlasting father/son bond, both Lucius and Draco got their genitalia pierced. Isn't that nice?
And now for Hermione's big decision. Will she ruin her promising career for Ron, or will she become the next queen of Crackwhore Magazine? Yes, boys and girls, Hermione's sumptuous body is twice as nice as Ginny's because she's older. And she's bloody brilliant to boot! How about that?!? It is oh-so-nice to read about young people who never concern themselves about weight gain or acne. Okay, so there's the occassional Draco or Harry anorexia/bulemia fic with a nice sexual assault on the side, but we're talking about Hermione. She has a major dilemma on her hands. She loves Ron because Harry's turned out to be a real slut, and that's bad.
Ron interrupts Hermione's musing in the library and asks her if she wants to be in his directorial debut.
"It's a delicious porno entitled 'Scrotums for Hire',"says Ron.
"I love you!" screams Hermione, flinging her arms around him. Ron's da man!
One night, Ginny decides to be very naughty and sneak into Professor Snape's romatically goth bedroom, complete with black satin sheets and Stevie Nicks backdrop. Ginny wants to watch the much older professor undress. Tee hee! Right on cue, Snape walks in and proceeds to disrobe. From behind the conveniently placed green curtain, Ginny grows very aroused as Snape does a regular little striptease minus the music. He's pale and very thin, but my-oh-my he has a nicely toned body. Everyone and his friggin moosecow has a nicely toned body at Hogwarts. I'll bet Dumbledore's body is more nicely toned than mine! Oh yeah, Snape's dick is nicely sized, too.
With an insane shriek, Ginny rushes from behind the green curtain at the astounded Snape. Cheesy 70's porno music begins to play. Suddenly, Hermione enters the chamber wearing a sexy red and gold teddie.
"Oh!" she says, "Whatever shall I do? My best vibrator has gone missing. Who could have stolen it? Whatever shall I do? I'll just sit here on this bed and peel down the top half of this teddie to cool my nipples. Ah, much better! If only I had my vibrator."
Someone swings in through the window that should not be there. A second someone descends from the ceiling. A third someone crawls out from under the bed. They are Harry, Ron and Professor Remus Lupin. Hermione gasps and sits with her legs spread wide apart.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? What do you want? Oh, go away!"
"Scrotums for Hire, ma'am," says Harry, handing Hermione a card.
"We heard about your missing vibrator, we're here to help," says Ron.
"When your vibrator's on the fritz or your man can't get his rocket off the launchpad, call us," says Lupin.
"Colin, are you getting this," asks Ron.
Everyone looks over at a cauldron with a video recorder sticking out of it.
"Si."
"A porno," breaths Snape, "I've always wanted to be in one."
"Me too," chimed Ginny.
"What luck," says Ron, "We are ready to film the group orgy scene."
At this moment, Lucius and Draco walk in. Lucius is wearing high heels, fishnets, a garter belt, black underwear, a haltertop and an leather jacket with chains. Draco is wearing leather chaps and a smile.
"We are the Vibrating Bandits," announced Lucius, whacking his left heel with his cane. "We are from the planet Cunnilungus, and are on a mission to steal all of Earth's vibrators so we can control the female population and make them our slaves. This is my faithful servent, Patsy."
Draco smiles. "That's right, master. We are assembling all of Earth's stolen vibrators to make one enormous Sonic Vibrator. With this Sonic Vibrator we shall control the sexual passions of the universe."
"Paradox is to be mine!" exclaimed Lucius, whacking his left heel with his cane yet again. "Oh! Oh!" Lucius grabbed his crotch, "I'm receiving a message from the mothership via my penis. Bend over, Patsy. I need to plug in for transmission."
"Not so fast," snarled Snape. "I will not allow you to deplete the Earth's supply of vibrators to control the women. Ginny, we must copulate to stop the evil Cunnilungians!"
"And I will help," says the brave and selfless Hermione.
"Leave these Cunnilungian scum to us!" shouts Lupin.
"Scrotums for Hire!" yells Harry.
"We must unite our nutsacks for maximum power," announces Ron.
"Then let us join in the orgy," decides Harry, and he disrobes.
At the Grand Premier of Ron's Porno...
Dumbledore wiped a tear from his eye.
"Wonderful, Mr. Weasley. All of you shall receive the Golden Phallus award for this masterpiece!"
And so love prevails between Ginny and Snape; Ron and Hermione; Lucius and Draco; and Harry with everyone because he's Harry Potter, the Boy Who Shagged. Cue cheesy 70's porno music.
~FIN~
A/N: Kudos to those of you who caught the Rocky Horror and Holy Grail references. Crack Whore Magazine is the brainchild of the creators of South Park. Thanks to those who love good twisted perversion when they read it!
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all so check with her.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Miss Weasley!"
"What the hell for?"
"For helping Christy Underall with her potion."
"Who's Christy Underall?"
"I don't know! I made it up because God doesn't like you, and down in these dungeons, I am the closest thing to God there is!"
"And a greasy one at that," muttered a brave Gryffindor.
Snape continued to slither about the room while Ginny Weasley fumed. How dare Snape be so unfair to her! He did the same damn thing to Hermione whenever she helped Neville. Professor Snape must be a sexist! I suppose what happens next is inevitable. Ginny Weasley slammed down her vial and glared up at Snape. Then, in front of everyone, she told him off! What a red hot little badass she was! Naturally, everyone was shocked at Ginny's outburst. Fortunately, Snape had grown quite used to cute little girls screaming at him in public about his unsavory attitude.
"Detention, Miss Weasley! See me after class. Alright, who's the smart ass who stuffed Creevey into his cauldron?"
Using Colin as a plot device, the author has cleverly made the rest of potions class zoom by as everyone tried to help Colin out of his cauldron. Nervous, but still defiant, Ginny stayed after class to await her inevitably steamy fate. Now that's suspense for ya! I just can't wait to see what happens next! It's such a *mystery*!
Snape glared down at Ginny in a sexy Gothlike fashion that the youngest Weasley couldn't help but notice. But wait-that couldn't be right because Ginny hates Snape. He is a mean bastard. Yeah.
"If you ever talk to me that way again, Miss Weasley, blah, blah, blah. Your turn."
Ginny clenched her fists and began, "You're a sleezy, unfair, cruel man with an utter contempt for your fellow man! You ought to be forced to go to charm school! I'm bad ass Ginny Weasley, and don't you forget it, mister!"
Young Ginny looked astonishingly beautiful when angry. This must be love, but Snape couldn't dare show it. Not yet. No, there needed to be another 20 chapters of bickering and borderline groping before the two give into their passion.
Snape sighed. How he loathed these OOC romances.
"Oh, Ginny, do not yell at me for I am lonely. I am so very lonely. I love you," he said, monotone.
Because Ginny was a sultry, naughty, fiery, good-looking young girl with a killer body and nice boobies, she lifted her skirt and shows Snape the tattoo of Satan's bookend on her tight ass. Snape drooled. After all, he *did* like the lecherous, horny older man bit. Not to be outdone, he shows young Ginny his impressive package and lights a cigarette. Ginny grinned. Then, Ron walks in and ruins everything.
"You pervert," Ron yelled at the Potions Master. "What are you doing to my little sister?" Ron seized Ginny's hand and led her out of the dungeon.
Now that the opposing force has been introduced into the story, Professor Severus Snape sprawls onto his desk where he proceeds to eat cornchips and masturbate.
"Uh...professor, can I get some help here?" calls Colin from his cauldron.
In Headmaster Dumbledore's office, Dumbledore is chain smoking and watching pornos with Harry when Ron barges in.
"Do you know what Snape just did? He-hey! Is that 'Behind the Green Door'?"
"Yes," reply both Harry and Dumbledore.
Ron pulls up a chair and proceeds to critique the porno on a pad.
"I like 'Deep Throat better'," says Harry.
Meanwhile, Draco has discovered the joys of incest. He's smart enough to realize just how sexy he and Lucius must look while doing the nasty. Better still, Lucius sneaks into Draco's dorm once a week because he "loves" Draco. Due to Lucius Malfoy's traumatic childhood, he needs this twisted form of release. Indeed, poor Lucius' only happy childhood memory is going to Captain D's seafood restaurant, and reaching into the cardboard treasure box for a sucker. That and the chocolate cake. Captain D's had the best chocolate cake. Enough digression. To symbolize their everlasting father/son bond, both Lucius and Draco got their genitalia pierced. Isn't that nice?
And now for Hermione's big decision. Will she ruin her promising career for Ron, or will she become the next queen of Crackwhore Magazine? Yes, boys and girls, Hermione's sumptuous body is twice as nice as Ginny's because she's older. And she's bloody brilliant to boot! How about that?!? It is oh-so-nice to read about young people who never concern themselves about weight gain or acne. Okay, so there's the occassional Draco or Harry anorexia/bulemia fic with a nice sexual assault on the side, but we're talking about Hermione. She has a major dilemma on her hands. She loves Ron because Harry's turned out to be a real slut, and that's bad.
Ron interrupts Hermione's musing in the library and asks her if she wants to be in his directorial debut.
"It's a delicious porno entitled 'Scrotums for Hire',"says Ron.
"I love you!" screams Hermione, flinging her arms around him. Ron's da man!
One night, Ginny decides to be very naughty and sneak into Professor Snape's romatically goth bedroom, complete with black satin sheets and Stevie Nicks backdrop. Ginny wants to watch the much older professor undress. Tee hee! Right on cue, Snape walks in and proceeds to disrobe. From behind the conveniently placed green curtain, Ginny grows very aroused as Snape does a regular little striptease minus the music. He's pale and very thin, but my-oh-my he has a nicely toned body. Everyone and his friggin moosecow has a nicely toned body at Hogwarts. I'll bet Dumbledore's body is more nicely toned than mine! Oh yeah, Snape's dick is nicely sized, too.
With an insane shriek, Ginny rushes from behind the green curtain at the astounded Snape. Cheesy 70's porno music begins to play. Suddenly, Hermione enters the chamber wearing a sexy red and gold teddie.
"Oh!" she says, "Whatever shall I do? My best vibrator has gone missing. Who could have stolen it? Whatever shall I do? I'll just sit here on this bed and peel down the top half of this teddie to cool my nipples. Ah, much better! If only I had my vibrator."
Someone swings in through the window that should not be there. A second someone descends from the ceiling. A third someone crawls out from under the bed. They are Harry, Ron and Professor Remus Lupin. Hermione gasps and sits with her legs spread wide apart.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? What do you want? Oh, go away!"
"Scrotums for Hire, ma'am," says Harry, handing Hermione a card.
"We heard about your missing vibrator, we're here to help," says Ron.
"When your vibrator's on the fritz or your man can't get his rocket off the launchpad, call us," says Lupin.
"Colin, are you getting this," asks Ron.
Everyone looks over at a cauldron with a video recorder sticking out of it.
"Si."
"A porno," breaths Snape, "I've always wanted to be in one."
"Me too," chimed Ginny.
"What luck," says Ron, "We are ready to film the group orgy scene."
At this moment, Lucius and Draco walk in. Lucius is wearing high heels, fishnets, a garter belt, black underwear, a haltertop and an leather jacket with chains. Draco is wearing leather chaps and a smile.
"We are the Vibrating Bandits," announced Lucius, whacking his left heel with his cane. "We are from the planet Cunnilungus, and are on a mission to steal all of Earth's vibrators so we can control the female population and make them our slaves. This is my faithful servent, Patsy."
Draco smiles. "That's right, master. We are assembling all of Earth's stolen vibrators to make one enormous Sonic Vibrator. With this Sonic Vibrator we shall control the sexual passions of the universe."
"Paradox is to be mine!" exclaimed Lucius, whacking his left heel with his cane yet again. "Oh! Oh!" Lucius grabbed his crotch, "I'm receiving a message from the mothership via my penis. Bend over, Patsy. I need to plug in for transmission."
"Not so fast," snarled Snape. "I will not allow you to deplete the Earth's supply of vibrators to control the women. Ginny, we must copulate to stop the evil Cunnilungians!"
"And I will help," says the brave and selfless Hermione.
"Leave these Cunnilungian scum to us!" shouts Lupin.
"Scrotums for Hire!" yells Harry.
"We must unite our nutsacks for maximum power," announces Ron.
"Then let us join in the orgy," decides Harry, and he disrobes.
At the Grand Premier of Ron's Porno...
Dumbledore wiped a tear from his eye.
"Wonderful, Mr. Weasley. All of you shall receive the Golden Phallus award for this masterpiece!"
And so love prevails between Ginny and Snape; Ron and Hermione; Lucius and Draco; and Harry with everyone because he's Harry Potter, the Boy Who Shagged. Cue cheesy 70's porno music.
~FIN~
A/N: Kudos to those of you who caught the Rocky Horror and Holy Grail references. Crack Whore Magazine is the brainchild of the creators of South Park. Thanks to those who love good twisted perversion when they read it!