Title: And You Thought Lockhart Was Bad.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
Hermione rushed into the Great Hall.
"Oh, Harry! Did you hear? Professor Snape's in the hospital ward! Appearently, Voldemort did something really horrible to him!"
"Gasp!" gasped Harry. "Snape's cover has been blown!"
"He's no longer a spy for Dumbledore, then?" asked Ron.
"This is all my fault," sobbed Harry. "Because of me, thousands of people are being killed and tortured."
"No they're not."
"Shut up, Ron! Harry's right. Now how am I going to pass Potions when there's no professor?"
"Never fear! Sichard Rimmons is here!" The doors flew open and in leapt Sichard Rimmons; fitness guru of the wizarding world. "Hello, everybody," he yelled, waving.
Fearing for their lives, the students waved back. Dumbledore clapped his hands, appearently delighted.
"Professor Rimmons has requested that all Hogwarts staff and students be put on a strict diet of fruit, vegetables, and rice," said Dumbledore.
"Hey!" exclaimed Malfoy as his turkey and dressing vanished to be replaced by a plate of brown rices, peas and pomegranates.
Harry looked at Hermione and Ron. "This is serious. We have to get Snape back before Sichard Rimmons starves us to death."
"Or worse," put in Neville, shirking at the way Sichard Rimmons leered at him.
McGonagall buried her head in her hands and truly believed there was no God.
In the meantime, Snape lie on a hospital bed, amusing himself with a Mad Lib.
"Let's see...Squirrly Applenut drove his sink to the crabshack for a bushel of lumberjacks! Ha! Ha! Ha! This is pure genius."
"Professor Snape!"
Snape flung his Mad Lib aside and proceeded to lie sprawled with a disoriented expression.
"Matilda? Are the pancakes done?"
"Oh, quit it!" Hermione slapped Snape, who frowned and sat up.
"Well? What is it? And why the hell is Longbottom here? He pisses his trousers whenever I look at him."
"It's horrible, Professor! Sichard Rimmons is taking your place until further notice," Harry informed Snape.
"He stared at me until I felt all naked and covered with cherry flavored oil," whimpered Neville.
"We're reduced to eating fruit! Please say you're well enough to teach again, Professor."
"No such luck, Weasley. I'm in terrible pain, and due to the horrid mental strain of leading a double life-"
Hermione recovered the Mad Lib and thrust it at Snape.
"What's this?" she demanded.
"Part of my therapy," retorted Snape, snatching the tablet and thrusting it beneath his pillow. "No, children, it looks as though I'll be in here for at least half the school year."
"We're doomed," announced Ron.
Madam Pomfrey marched in. "Out, children. It is time for Professor Snape's sponge bath." The nurse looked behind her. "All right, Mr. Creevey, you may begin your detention."
The next day...
Neville cowered in his seat as Professor Richard Simmons jogged in and winked at him.
"Everybody stand up! Up! Up! Aaaaaand, stretch those fingertips to the ceiling!"
"My father will put a stop to this," declared Draco Malfoy.
At that exact moment, the debonair Lucius Malfoy marched into the Headmaster's office.
"You have gone entirely too far this time, Dumbledore."
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," replied the Headmaster, tapping the tips of his fingers together.
"This is Sichard Rimmons we're talking about!"
Dumbledore only stared at the aristocratic blonde.
"We need to talk," said Lucius at last.
Snape sat munching Star Burst flavored jelly beans while having his feet massaged by Justin Finch-Fletchley.
"I'll bet you'll think twice before peeping in on Professor Sprout during her bath, eh Finch-Fletchley?"
"Professor...why are you wearing a diamond anklet?"
"Be silent and get started on my pedicure. Sexy feet turn women on."
"Who told you that, Professor?"
"I just know."
Hermione raised her hand as she and the other students completed their 25th lap around the dungeon.
"Sir," she panted, "water! Please!"
"We're dying here," added red-faced Ron.
"This is somehow all my fault. I'm going to yell now," whined Harry.
Sichard Rimmons brandished his bullwhip. "Faster! Feel the burn!"
"Damn you to hell, Sichard Rimmons," cried Neville, crawling behind the rest in his leather loincloth.
Lucius poured the Headmaster a stiff whiskey.
"They are consuming brown rice, Albus!"
"An excellent source of nutrition."
"My son, a Malfoy, eating brown rice!"
"There is more to life than Yorkshire puddings and chipolatas, Lucius."
"Exactly what did happen to Severus?"
"Voldemort forced him to sit through the entire cartoon of Return of the King. Well, naturally, by the end of it poor Severus was a mental wreak."
Flashback...
"Frodooo of the nine fingers..."
Snape: I beg of you, master, please kill me now! The boredom is searing my soul with madness! Orcs should not resemble cuddly stuffed animals with pointy teeth! I've read the books, and what the hell did they do to Elrond? What's with the stars? Is he on drugs? Pippin sounds like a surfer boy! If I hear that damn song *one* more time! Why does the whip song have a disco beat to it? There's no disco in Middle Earth! Is that John Denver singing? I long to scrape my brain with napalm!"
Voldemort: Muah! Ha! Ha! Soon the entire world shall tremble before me and my awesome Return of the King cartoon DVD of death!
End flashback.
Dumbledore eyed Lucius warily. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that incident, would you, Lucius?"
"Hell no. I loathe that blasphemous muggle monstrosity." This wasn't working. Lucius was forced to use plan 9. He reached into his pocket. "Headmaster, I just happen to have..."
Hannah Abbot gagged as she prepared to wash Professor Snape's hair.
"Please, Madam Pomfrey, I'd rather clean the entire third floor with my tongue."
"Now, now, do hurry up, Miss Abbot. Mandy Brocklehurst is scheduled to give Professor Snape a full body massage at two o'clock. After that, Dean Thomas comes in to wash and floss the Professor's teeth."
Now Hannah understood why she had seen Dean and Mandy with a blueprint of Hogwarts and several shovels.
Snape flicked his cigarette aside and leaned his head back. "Hurry up, Miss Abbot. Make sure you use Honeysuckle Sunshine and *not* Strawberry Sensation. Tomorrow, Miss Weasley is giving me a facial."
"She has detention, too?"
"No, she has recently started to sell Witch Hazel cosmetics."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione gaped at the front room in shock.
"Surely this is breaking some kind of law," stated Harry.
Neville was demonstrating Sweating to the Oldies in a white, see-through loin cloth.
"P-Professor Rimmons," he panted, "my heart-"
Sichard Rimmons whacked Neville with his scepter of righteous manhood.
"Work it, Longbottom! Work it!"
"I want Snape back," snivelled Neville.
"This is a travesty," declared Ron solemnly.
"Don't forget, Longbottom, you have to be in great shape for next week's body buffet for my unbirthday extravaganza! Everybody join in! Come on! You too, Finnigan."
"This'll make a drunk of me yet," said Seamus, getting to his feet.
Meanwhile...
"Another sherbet lemon drop, Headmaster?"
"Why thank you, Lucius. These are spiffingly delightful, they are! I-"
Dumbledore stared at Lucius as though seeing him for the first time. 'Uh oh, he's onto me,' thought Lucius.
"Is there a problem, Headmaster?"
"You-you!" sputtered Dumbledore, eyes growing quite large.
'Abort mission,' thought Lucius, edging for the door.
"Your ass is a cornucopia of fruity goodness!" exclaimed Dumbledore joyously.
Lucius' dark blond eyebrows furrowed. "Come again?"
"I-you-oh-it's-it is absolutely scrumptuous, my good man!" Dumbledore advanced on the sinister blond, a horrifying grin on his face.
"Those lemon drops were bogus! I've been had! Voldemort-this is *his* doing! Oh shit, did I say that out loud?" yelled Lucius.
"Turn around so that I may behold that ripe, fruitatious ass of yours, Malfoy!"
"Keep away!" Lucius threw himself against the wall, cane at the ready.
Pansy Parkinson faced Snape defiantly.
"I will *not* wash your underwear, Professor!"
"You will, or I shall give you double detention, during which I shall make see to it that you shave my bikini line."
"Euuuurgh!" Pansy felt sick. "Professor, I think you've recovered from your mental breakdown."
"Silence! Scrub my undies until they glow with cleanliness," commanded Snape, removing his silver thong from beneath his billowing black robes, and tossing it at Pansy, who caught it with a butterfly net.
"This is getting out of hand," commented Dennis Creevey as his brother, Colin, took pictures of the laundering of Snape's silver thong.
Just then, Lucius Malfoy rushed by the door, screaming. He was soon followed by Dumbledore, who had his arms outstretched and was yelling, "Fruitopia! Fruitopia!" over and over again.
Soon thereafter, Sichard Rimmons paraded down the hall with his scepter of righteous manliness.
"Follow me, everybody, " he shouted.
The students followed, crawling and moaning for water. Worst of all, Neville Longbottom was wearing a Speedo. Snape marched into the corridor.
"Just what the hell is going on here?" he demanded.
"No! No! Don't touch it," cried a voice that sounded like Lucius Malfoy.
"Albus, stop that," shrieked McGonagall.
The Headmaster said something about divinity and asses, but Snape couldn't be too sure.
"Potter, " he snapped, "what is the meaning of all this perversion?"
"Sichard Rimmons," wailed Harry.
"We tried to tell you, Professor," said Ron.
"Water," groaned Hermione, clinging to Snape's robes. She looked zombified. Snape sighed.
"I take an extended sick leave and the whole of Hogwarts comes crashing down. Headmaster, I am appalled!"
Dumbledore was oblivious to Snape's griping, so eager was he to lay his gnarled old hands on Lucius Malfoy's ass of cornucopious goodness.
"Enough of this behavior," roared Snape. "Sichard Rimmons, begone with you!"
Professor Rimmons halted his jaunt and faced Snape.
"Hogwarts belongs to me now, Severus Snape. No one can stop me! Come on, everybody, jumping jacks! One-two! One-two! That's it, Miss Bultrode. Oh yeah!"
Lucius Malfoy and Dumbledore began an impromptu game of chase while doing their jumping jacks. Lucius would jump away from the Headmaster and the Headmaster would jumping jack after him.
Snape was about to obliterate the school when Voldemort sauntered in with a walking entertainment system and the cartoon Return of the King DVD. Snape wailed a terrifying wail and sank to his knees.
"We're done for! No one can defeat the monotonous madness of that unbelievably boring cartoon!"
"Play!" Voldemort ordered of his Return of the King DVD of death.
About half the students shrivelled up and died ten minutes into the cartoon. Sichard Rimmons dove out the window, vowing never to come within a thousand miles of Hogwarts.
"This-must-be-stopped," groaned Lucius.
"We must destroy his entertainment unit," agreed McGonagall.
"No! Get this old man away from my ass!"
Harry uttered a battlecry and blasted the machine of death, DVD and all, to bits with his wand. In a blinding flash of light, Voldemort cursed and went back to that accursed hell from whence he came.
With a sigh of relief, McGonagall arose and went over to Snape's huddled figure rocking back and forth.
"Severus, it is over. You can calm down now."
"I'm daddy's little girl. I'm daddy's little girl-oh." Severus got to his feet. "Thank Merlin for that! I hope all of you studied for your test tomorrow."
Neville blanced. "N-not the one Professor Rimmons had planned? The one involving kiwis?"
Snape's visage once more became forboding and stern.
"Is there anything going on in that head of yours, Longbottom? Tomorrow, your lucky class is going to give me a mud wrap."
~FIN~
A/N: I do not own any part of that abominable Return of the King cartoon. Sichard Rimmons owns all rights to his scepter of righteous manhood.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
Hermione rushed into the Great Hall.
"Oh, Harry! Did you hear? Professor Snape's in the hospital ward! Appearently, Voldemort did something really horrible to him!"
"Gasp!" gasped Harry. "Snape's cover has been blown!"
"He's no longer a spy for Dumbledore, then?" asked Ron.
"This is all my fault," sobbed Harry. "Because of me, thousands of people are being killed and tortured."
"No they're not."
"Shut up, Ron! Harry's right. Now how am I going to pass Potions when there's no professor?"
"Never fear! Sichard Rimmons is here!" The doors flew open and in leapt Sichard Rimmons; fitness guru of the wizarding world. "Hello, everybody," he yelled, waving.
Fearing for their lives, the students waved back. Dumbledore clapped his hands, appearently delighted.
"Professor Rimmons has requested that all Hogwarts staff and students be put on a strict diet of fruit, vegetables, and rice," said Dumbledore.
"Hey!" exclaimed Malfoy as his turkey and dressing vanished to be replaced by a plate of brown rices, peas and pomegranates.
Harry looked at Hermione and Ron. "This is serious. We have to get Snape back before Sichard Rimmons starves us to death."
"Or worse," put in Neville, shirking at the way Sichard Rimmons leered at him.
McGonagall buried her head in her hands and truly believed there was no God.
In the meantime, Snape lie on a hospital bed, amusing himself with a Mad Lib.
"Let's see...Squirrly Applenut drove his sink to the crabshack for a bushel of lumberjacks! Ha! Ha! Ha! This is pure genius."
"Professor Snape!"
Snape flung his Mad Lib aside and proceeded to lie sprawled with a disoriented expression.
"Matilda? Are the pancakes done?"
"Oh, quit it!" Hermione slapped Snape, who frowned and sat up.
"Well? What is it? And why the hell is Longbottom here? He pisses his trousers whenever I look at him."
"It's horrible, Professor! Sichard Rimmons is taking your place until further notice," Harry informed Snape.
"He stared at me until I felt all naked and covered with cherry flavored oil," whimpered Neville.
"We're reduced to eating fruit! Please say you're well enough to teach again, Professor."
"No such luck, Weasley. I'm in terrible pain, and due to the horrid mental strain of leading a double life-"
Hermione recovered the Mad Lib and thrust it at Snape.
"What's this?" she demanded.
"Part of my therapy," retorted Snape, snatching the tablet and thrusting it beneath his pillow. "No, children, it looks as though I'll be in here for at least half the school year."
"We're doomed," announced Ron.
Madam Pomfrey marched in. "Out, children. It is time for Professor Snape's sponge bath." The nurse looked behind her. "All right, Mr. Creevey, you may begin your detention."
The next day...
Neville cowered in his seat as Professor Richard Simmons jogged in and winked at him.
"Everybody stand up! Up! Up! Aaaaaand, stretch those fingertips to the ceiling!"
"My father will put a stop to this," declared Draco Malfoy.
At that exact moment, the debonair Lucius Malfoy marched into the Headmaster's office.
"You have gone entirely too far this time, Dumbledore."
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," replied the Headmaster, tapping the tips of his fingers together.
"This is Sichard Rimmons we're talking about!"
Dumbledore only stared at the aristocratic blonde.
"We need to talk," said Lucius at last.
Snape sat munching Star Burst flavored jelly beans while having his feet massaged by Justin Finch-Fletchley.
"I'll bet you'll think twice before peeping in on Professor Sprout during her bath, eh Finch-Fletchley?"
"Professor...why are you wearing a diamond anklet?"
"Be silent and get started on my pedicure. Sexy feet turn women on."
"Who told you that, Professor?"
"I just know."
Hermione raised her hand as she and the other students completed their 25th lap around the dungeon.
"Sir," she panted, "water! Please!"
"We're dying here," added red-faced Ron.
"This is somehow all my fault. I'm going to yell now," whined Harry.
Sichard Rimmons brandished his bullwhip. "Faster! Feel the burn!"
"Damn you to hell, Sichard Rimmons," cried Neville, crawling behind the rest in his leather loincloth.
Lucius poured the Headmaster a stiff whiskey.
"They are consuming brown rice, Albus!"
"An excellent source of nutrition."
"My son, a Malfoy, eating brown rice!"
"There is more to life than Yorkshire puddings and chipolatas, Lucius."
"Exactly what did happen to Severus?"
"Voldemort forced him to sit through the entire cartoon of Return of the King. Well, naturally, by the end of it poor Severus was a mental wreak."
Flashback...
"Frodooo of the nine fingers..."
Snape: I beg of you, master, please kill me now! The boredom is searing my soul with madness! Orcs should not resemble cuddly stuffed animals with pointy teeth! I've read the books, and what the hell did they do to Elrond? What's with the stars? Is he on drugs? Pippin sounds like a surfer boy! If I hear that damn song *one* more time! Why does the whip song have a disco beat to it? There's no disco in Middle Earth! Is that John Denver singing? I long to scrape my brain with napalm!"
Voldemort: Muah! Ha! Ha! Soon the entire world shall tremble before me and my awesome Return of the King cartoon DVD of death!
End flashback.
Dumbledore eyed Lucius warily. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that incident, would you, Lucius?"
"Hell no. I loathe that blasphemous muggle monstrosity." This wasn't working. Lucius was forced to use plan 9. He reached into his pocket. "Headmaster, I just happen to have..."
Hannah Abbot gagged as she prepared to wash Professor Snape's hair.
"Please, Madam Pomfrey, I'd rather clean the entire third floor with my tongue."
"Now, now, do hurry up, Miss Abbot. Mandy Brocklehurst is scheduled to give Professor Snape a full body massage at two o'clock. After that, Dean Thomas comes in to wash and floss the Professor's teeth."
Now Hannah understood why she had seen Dean and Mandy with a blueprint of Hogwarts and several shovels.
Snape flicked his cigarette aside and leaned his head back. "Hurry up, Miss Abbot. Make sure you use Honeysuckle Sunshine and *not* Strawberry Sensation. Tomorrow, Miss Weasley is giving me a facial."
"She has detention, too?"
"No, she has recently started to sell Witch Hazel cosmetics."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione gaped at the front room in shock.
"Surely this is breaking some kind of law," stated Harry.
Neville was demonstrating Sweating to the Oldies in a white, see-through loin cloth.
"P-Professor Rimmons," he panted, "my heart-"
Sichard Rimmons whacked Neville with his scepter of righteous manhood.
"Work it, Longbottom! Work it!"
"I want Snape back," snivelled Neville.
"This is a travesty," declared Ron solemnly.
"Don't forget, Longbottom, you have to be in great shape for next week's body buffet for my unbirthday extravaganza! Everybody join in! Come on! You too, Finnigan."
"This'll make a drunk of me yet," said Seamus, getting to his feet.
Meanwhile...
"Another sherbet lemon drop, Headmaster?"
"Why thank you, Lucius. These are spiffingly delightful, they are! I-"
Dumbledore stared at Lucius as though seeing him for the first time. 'Uh oh, he's onto me,' thought Lucius.
"Is there a problem, Headmaster?"
"You-you!" sputtered Dumbledore, eyes growing quite large.
'Abort mission,' thought Lucius, edging for the door.
"Your ass is a cornucopia of fruity goodness!" exclaimed Dumbledore joyously.
Lucius' dark blond eyebrows furrowed. "Come again?"
"I-you-oh-it's-it is absolutely scrumptuous, my good man!" Dumbledore advanced on the sinister blond, a horrifying grin on his face.
"Those lemon drops were bogus! I've been had! Voldemort-this is *his* doing! Oh shit, did I say that out loud?" yelled Lucius.
"Turn around so that I may behold that ripe, fruitatious ass of yours, Malfoy!"
"Keep away!" Lucius threw himself against the wall, cane at the ready.
Pansy Parkinson faced Snape defiantly.
"I will *not* wash your underwear, Professor!"
"You will, or I shall give you double detention, during which I shall make see to it that you shave my bikini line."
"Euuuurgh!" Pansy felt sick. "Professor, I think you've recovered from your mental breakdown."
"Silence! Scrub my undies until they glow with cleanliness," commanded Snape, removing his silver thong from beneath his billowing black robes, and tossing it at Pansy, who caught it with a butterfly net.
"This is getting out of hand," commented Dennis Creevey as his brother, Colin, took pictures of the laundering of Snape's silver thong.
Just then, Lucius Malfoy rushed by the door, screaming. He was soon followed by Dumbledore, who had his arms outstretched and was yelling, "Fruitopia! Fruitopia!" over and over again.
Soon thereafter, Sichard Rimmons paraded down the hall with his scepter of righteous manliness.
"Follow me, everybody, " he shouted.
The students followed, crawling and moaning for water. Worst of all, Neville Longbottom was wearing a Speedo. Snape marched into the corridor.
"Just what the hell is going on here?" he demanded.
"No! No! Don't touch it," cried a voice that sounded like Lucius Malfoy.
"Albus, stop that," shrieked McGonagall.
The Headmaster said something about divinity and asses, but Snape couldn't be too sure.
"Potter, " he snapped, "what is the meaning of all this perversion?"
"Sichard Rimmons," wailed Harry.
"We tried to tell you, Professor," said Ron.
"Water," groaned Hermione, clinging to Snape's robes. She looked zombified. Snape sighed.
"I take an extended sick leave and the whole of Hogwarts comes crashing down. Headmaster, I am appalled!"
Dumbledore was oblivious to Snape's griping, so eager was he to lay his gnarled old hands on Lucius Malfoy's ass of cornucopious goodness.
"Enough of this behavior," roared Snape. "Sichard Rimmons, begone with you!"
Professor Rimmons halted his jaunt and faced Snape.
"Hogwarts belongs to me now, Severus Snape. No one can stop me! Come on, everybody, jumping jacks! One-two! One-two! That's it, Miss Bultrode. Oh yeah!"
Lucius Malfoy and Dumbledore began an impromptu game of chase while doing their jumping jacks. Lucius would jump away from the Headmaster and the Headmaster would jumping jack after him.
Snape was about to obliterate the school when Voldemort sauntered in with a walking entertainment system and the cartoon Return of the King DVD. Snape wailed a terrifying wail and sank to his knees.
"We're done for! No one can defeat the monotonous madness of that unbelievably boring cartoon!"
"Play!" Voldemort ordered of his Return of the King DVD of death.
About half the students shrivelled up and died ten minutes into the cartoon. Sichard Rimmons dove out the window, vowing never to come within a thousand miles of Hogwarts.
"This-must-be-stopped," groaned Lucius.
"We must destroy his entertainment unit," agreed McGonagall.
"No! Get this old man away from my ass!"
Harry uttered a battlecry and blasted the machine of death, DVD and all, to bits with his wand. In a blinding flash of light, Voldemort cursed and went back to that accursed hell from whence he came.
With a sigh of relief, McGonagall arose and went over to Snape's huddled figure rocking back and forth.
"Severus, it is over. You can calm down now."
"I'm daddy's little girl. I'm daddy's little girl-oh." Severus got to his feet. "Thank Merlin for that! I hope all of you studied for your test tomorrow."
Neville blanced. "N-not the one Professor Rimmons had planned? The one involving kiwis?"
Snape's visage once more became forboding and stern.
"Is there anything going on in that head of yours, Longbottom? Tomorrow, your lucky class is going to give me a mud wrap."
~FIN~
A/N: I do not own any part of that abominable Return of the King cartoon. Sichard Rimmons owns all rights to his scepter of righteous manhood.